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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi. We fought just a few minutes ago..ONLINE.

I know it'd help if I'd disclose everything, but I don't want to get into specifics. We're co-authors and we were writing a story. I was telling her my opinion about something. I told her it'd be better if we did this and that, because she wanted a love-story, she wanted drama. I didn't want that, she did. But I obliged and now she wouldn't accept my ideas because it 'stepped on' the character she was in charge of.

I told her that while writing, she often let her mood affect everything, and that she was too protective of that character she created. I reminded her we were writing a dramatic story so that character was bound to get hurt or something. She seemed to want a flawless story, and I didn't want that as it seemed too...boring.

Anyways, it's so shallow, I know, but she's pissed lol. Things got heated up and she started asking me things like, "Have you ever even fallen in love?" and I told her yes and she asked how I realised it. I said I don't remember and I don't know why I liked that person, I just did. She was saying I had no idea about love basically.

So I just said fine, okay. Forget it. Then she said "Whatever you say."

I didn't reply to that. And that's it. It's so shallow, but I actually liked talking to her. But if she's not going to talk to me again after this, I certainly won't as well. I've never in my life said sorry to someone when I'm sure I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure I was right, too.. Anyways, I'm here to ask what you INFJs think she'd do next? Would she talk to me again? Would she say sorry? What does this mean to her?

Because what I'm going to do is.. nothing. If that's how it'll end, it sure was fun.
 

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ugh. You're not going to do anything? Am I right in saying that this conflict did not root solely from her, but a conflict between you two? between opinions? When she felt that you stepped on her character, isn't it just courteous to say that you didn't mean to, at-least?
 

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How old are you two? It sounds like a very immature and irrational argument, so I'm not sure if I should give you grown-up tips or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
ugh. You're not going to do anything? Am I right in saying that this conflict did not root solely from her, but a conflict between you two? between opinions? When she felt that you stepped on her character, isn't it just courteous to say that you didn't mean to, at-least?
That's because I did not 'step on' her character. She wanted DRAMA, so I suggested something dramatic - and in my mind, since she wanted drama, someone's bound to get hurt somehow, but she didn't want that either.. Then she proceeded to start asking me personal questions which just basically meant to say: "INTJ, what do you know about love, anyway?" and now I owe her some form of explanation/apology? I really don't get it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How old are you two? It sounds like a very immature and irrational argument, so I'm not sure if I should give you grown-up tips or not.
It was shallow, I know. But she was asking for suggestions and she wanted a dramatic story.. and in drama, someone's bound to get hurt. I suggested something that 'hurt' her character or something, and she didn't want it. So I had no idea how we're supposed to go with it. Then she started asking me personal questions which just meant to say "What do you know about love, anyway?" and I just stopped replying instead of saying something that could potentially hurt her again or something. I just don't get it..
 

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As I see it, you're both guilty of inconsiderateness and have both failed to attempt to see things from the other's perspective. In the interest of preserving goodwill, I would suggest you apologize first as the rational, and simultaneously request that she make attempts to try to understand where you're coming from.

Open communication is key.
 

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I don't think this is an issue strictly related to MBTI, it is just an example of two friends being unable to effectively collaborate in their work. There's nothing remarkable about that - to salvage your friendship, all you need to do is come to an agreement with the other person and immediately cease collaborating on this book. It's not working for you two because you have different visions as to where the project should go, and this difference appears irreconcilable. So the logical thing to do is to give up on working together and instead both of you go your separate ways and write however you see fit. Where MBTI comes into it is with both of you being Ni doms, meaning that you like to be independent and don't like it when somebody else comes in and starts telling you what to do. We don't do group work very well, unless the group is committed to our vision.

You could try something of a challenge. Both of you finish off the book alone and then when you're done you swap manuscripts and decide which one is better. That's the only way here. Opinions don't mean shit to INJs. Only evidence does. If one of you produces an overwhelmingly superior piece of work, then one of you will have proven the superiority of your approach, and the other person then has to start working with you and you rewrite the book, but this time, in your way unquestionably, with the other person there as support rather than leadership.
 

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You had a clash of visions and with you both being stubborn as hell you'll never reach a solution to your problem. Her vision allows for paradoxes, she's too emotionally involved and identifies with the character too much right now. Hurting the character is hurting her. You need to acknowledge this and at the same time tell her that you're in this together, that you're not trying to ruin the story on purpose and that she needs to step back and try to look at it objectively and let you two cooperate.

You're both very young (I guess), and this is not the kind of fight that ends a friendship, but perhaps you two should work separately if possible? If you're not both willing to synthesize your ideas, this will never work. Is the story or the collaboration more important? Do you really need to work together?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks everyone. She just messaged me, apologising. She said she got too emotional. I know I was very stubborn, but I'm just the type of person who just can't apologise for something I'm sure I wasn't wrong about. Anyways, thanks again. I'll probably just drop the book - I never wanted to write in collaboration with her in the first place. I agreed to it because she asked for my help, and since we're just clashing when it comes to ideas, I'll just drop it all together and help her some other way.
 

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Hi. We fought just a few minutes ago..ONLINE.

I know it'd help if I'd disclose everything, but I don't want to get into specifics. We're co-authors and we were writing a story. I was telling her my opinion about something. I told her it'd be better if we did this and that, because she wanted a love-story, she wanted drama. I didn't want that, she did. But I obliged and now she wouldn't accept my ideas because it 'stepped on' the character she was in charge of.

I told her that while writing, she often let her mood affect everything, and that she was too protective of that character she created. I reminded her we were writing a dramatic story so that character was bound to get hurt or something. She seemed to want a flawless story, and I didn't want that as it seemed too...boring.

Anyways, it's so shallow, I know, but she's pissed lol. Things got heated up and she started asking me things like, "Have you ever even fallen in love?" and I told her yes and she asked how I realised it. I said I don't remember and I don't know why I liked that person, I just did. She was saying I had no idea about love basically.

So I just said fine, okay. Forget it. Then she said "Whatever you say."

I didn't reply to that. And that's it. It's so shallow, but I actually liked talking to her. But if she's not going to talk to me again after this, I certainly won't as well. I've never in my life said sorry to someone when I'm sure I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure I was right, too.. Anyways, I'm here to ask what you INFJs think she'd do next? Would she talk to me again? Would she say sorry? What does this mean to her?

Because what I'm going to do is.. nothing. If that's how it'll end, it sure was fun.
decide what's more important to you: having this friend or being right. seems like all you care about is the latter. doesn't seem like you care much what really happens in the story, you just want to have control of that while her emotions flail. Will it really kill you to back down and let her have her way? sounds like it's something creative she wants to explore that's really important to her. Again, if you remain that black and white, and you know this, you will have to choose between having a friend and being right.

I don't get the feeling this friend ever acts like a whiny baby to get her way....I feel she is taking a chance on showing a big emotion, which you are uncomfortable with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
decide what's more important to you: having this friend or being right. seems like all you care about is the latter. doesn't seem like you care much what really happens in the story, you just want to have control of that while her emotions flail. Will it really kill you to back down and let her have her way? sounds like it's something creative she wants to explore that's really important to her. Again, if you remain that black and white, and you know this, you will have to choose between having a friend and being right.

I don't get the feeling this friend ever acts like a whiny baby to get her way....I feel she is taking a chance on showing a big emotion, which you are uncomfortable with.
I'm the one taking a chance at emotions and she doesn't like my idea as it 'hurts' her character, but it's a love story that's dramatic and how could it be dramatic without hurting the main character one way or another? Anywaaaaays, it's over. It's done, thank you for your help.
 

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Sounds like a classic Fe/Te clash. I can see your friend being protective of the character that she created. I can see myself doing that. You were looking for the end result (dramatic tension) therefore you didn't think your suggestion was hurtful to her.

Only when both of you would step back to see where the other side came from that you two can keep a working relationship. Many times this type of conflict is what brainstorming is about, arguing about different POVs to come up with the best scenario.

I hope your friend would not feel hurt by your decision to drop the co-authoring project. I know I would feel hurt.
 

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Thanks everyone. She just messaged me, apologising. She said she got too emotional. I know I was very stubborn, but I'm just the type of person who just can't apologise for something I'm sure I wasn't wrong about. Anyways, thanks again. I'll probably just drop the book - I never wanted to write in collaboration with her in the first place. I agreed to it because she asked for my help, and since we're just clashing when it comes to ideas, I'll just drop it all together and help her some other way.
A suggestion:

Don't work on it if you don't want to. If you do want to, there are still ways for you to turn this around. The primary changes are, 1. using a different communication mode, 2. restating or re-envisioning goals for the project.

She doesn't need to disconnect her emotions to be able to work on the story. There is a difference between being invested in the characters and being invested in the overall story. Neither is the only right way to do it, but they give different results. If she refocuses on her investment in the overall story, it allows for more flexibility in how the story and the characters change. Stress that the more open she is to change in her story and characters, the greater number of opportunities open up for success in her goals.

Saying, "This would be better." is not helpful. It merely degrades her idea which she thought was good without offering an explanation as to why hers wasn't going to work. Restructure the critique to something like, "When you do it xyz way, your story has less strength in xyz element. You have the option of introducing ___ at ____ location in the story. I think ___ option works more effectively than ___."

When you speak to her about how putting the character through trouble would be better, It can't just be because, "In drama, someone's bound to get hurt" That doesn't help her understand why she should change her story/her character. "Dramas frequently have a character who goes through a moment of hurt because it allows the viewer to connect and have greater emotional investment in the story. I think your story would have more impact if you followed this tactic. If you don't want it to be about a character getting hurt, how do you propose to gain and keep the reader's investment in the story?"

That difference in the way you speak to her about your ideas will help her communicate why she thinks it's important that her plan stays the way it is, instead of reacting emotionally and rejecting your idea because she doesn't yet see why your solution could be a good one.

It's her responsibility to not react so emotionally, but adjusting your own communication is something that you have power over and will help the situation if you choose to pursue it further. And on that note, personally, I think you really need to find a moment to bring up how it hurt you when she said you don't have any experience with love. That wasn't fair, and it was inconsiderate.
 

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On the subject of apologizing, I also strongly believe you shouldn't apologize for something you didn't do wrong, either.

That said, her reacting badly shows that you pushed a sensitive spot. You didn't do it on purpose, but you did do it. Doesn't matter if you or she handled the situation better. She's your friend. You hurt your friend accidentally. There's nothing wrong with apologizing to her for that, and it just might be exactly what she needs to hear.
 

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But also, if this was something you were supposed to be working on together, you really need to talk again about that. Are you just helping, or do you have equal sway in things? That's the part where the goals bit is super important to lay out clearly for the two of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
A suggestion:

Don't work on it if you don't want to. If you do want to, there are still ways for you to turn this around. The primary changes are, 1. using a different communication mode, 2. restating or re-envisioning goals for the project.

She doesn't need to disconnect her emotions to be able to work on the story. There is a difference between being invested in the characters and being invested in the overall story. Neither is the only right way to do it, but they give different results. If she refocuses on her investment in the overall story, it allows for more flexibility in how the story and the characters change. Stress that the more open she is to change in her story and characters, the greater number of opportunities open up for success in her goals.

Saying, "This would be better." is not helpful. It merely degrades her idea which she thought was good without offering an explanation as to why hers wasn't going to work. Restructure the critique to something like, "When you do it xyz way, your story has less strength in xyz element. You have the option of introducing ___ at ____ location in the story. I think ___ option works more effectively than ___."

When you speak to her about how putting the character through trouble would be better, It can't just be because, "In drama, someone's bound to get hurt" That doesn't help her understand why she should change her story/her character. "Dramas frequently have a character who goes through a moment of hurt because it allows the viewer to connect and have greater emotional investment in the story. I think your story would have more impact if you followed this tactic. If you don't want it to be about a character getting hurt, how do you propose to gain and keep the reader's investment in the story?"

That difference in the way you speak to her about your ideas will help her communicate why she thinks it's important that her plan stays the way it is, instead of reacting emotionally and rejecting your idea because she doesn't yet see why your solution could be a good one.

It's her responsibility to not react so emotionally, but adjusting your own communication is something that you have power over and will help the situation if you choose to pursue it further. And on that note, personally, I think you really need to find a moment to bring up how it hurt you when she said you don't have any experience with love. That wasn't fair, and it was inconsiderate.
Basically.. I have to soften everything up, even the way I normally say things? Sigh.. You guys are tedious, but I like you.

EDIT: We're talking again, and I never brought up the little insult she threw at me. I considered it over with, but not that I'd forget it for good..
 
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