[Dilldough]

Hey everyone! I want to share a brief background knowledge about my relationship between these two girls in order to help your understanding. I'm going to post this in other personality categories to help narrow the best decision and to understand what others think about my situation.

Lets get started :laughing:! Every Saturday I attend this program at a church (nothing religious) and have been in contact with an ISFJ girl for around 3 years now. The relationship between us is on and off, because early on when we first met (when we were much younger), she liked me but I didn't feel the same way. However, after a little less than a year of knowing her, I started to get attracted to her and we began to feel the same way. However, I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that commitment so I didn't make a move. Not long after, I went off for summer vacation and we weren't in contact for a good month or so and when I got back, I got intel from her cousins that she had a boyfriend. I was really shocked and confused because I knew she felt the same way. Later on, I found out that I made her wait too long so she moved on to somebody else.

I was still slightly attracted to her for the rest of the few years we're friends, but earlier this year I met an INFJ. We met in person and constantly texted or messaged each other after that and I really enjoyed our conversations. I began to drop my connection towards the ISFJ as my interest in the INFJ increased. We have similar interests and she understands where I go with things, but I don't know if these interests can escalate into something more. We met in person a few more times and I don't know if I feel as compatible with her than the ISFJ.

My problem here now is I can't decide between the two.. The INFJ is a great girl! I can be open about my feeling towards her and she totally understands and shares what she thinks as well, where as the ISFJ makes me figure out what she wants. I feel like she's playing mind games with me and not allowing me to know what's going on inside her head. When in person, she talks and shares what is going on with her life, but when I text her or message her, I feel as if she doesn't put effort into it. This is vice versa for the INFJ. We have great conversations through text, but when we're in person it's not as interesting and such. To conclude, the INFJ is more loyal and humble and a great personality overall, while the ISFJ can be more playful and charming and has more physical attraction. However, I don't feel as safe if I chose the ISFJ because she has had a few boyfriends within the years I've known her.

Advice/suggestions? Sorry if I confused anyone... there's more details I could have added but I didn't want this to be too long and boring for anyone.

 

[Lost in Oblivion]

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second." ~Johnny Depp

Give your INFJ girl a chance. You haven't known her for long, and who knows what time will bring? You will be able to see down the road together whether you two are compatible or not, and if you aren't, it's not like you are never ever going to get another girl again.

 

[Dilldough]

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second." ~Johnny Depp

Give your INFJ girl a chance. You haven't known her for long, and who knows what time will bring? You will be able to see down the road together whether you two are compatible or not, and if you aren't, it's not like you are never ever going to get another girl again.

Ahhh, I forgot to mention to ask if I should spend more time with the INFJ! The problem here is she goes to a different school and meeting up isn't as convenient. But I will keep that in mind...

 

[DreamingSoul]

Follow your heart. Who do you see yourself with for a long time?

 

[Pier 56]

Hey everyone! I want to share a brief background knowledge about my relationship between these two girls in order to help your understanding. I'm going to post this in other personality categories to help narrow the best decision and to understand what others think about my situation.

Lets get started :laughing:! Every Saturday I attend this program at a church (nothing religious) and have been in contact with an ISFJ girl for around 3 years now. The relationship between us is on and off, because early on when we first met (when we were much younger), she liked me but I didn't feel the same way. However, after a little less than a year of knowing her, I started to get attracted to her and we began to feel the same way. However, I wasn't sure if I was ready to make that commitment so I didn't make a move. Not long after, I went off for summer vacation and we weren't in contact for a good month or so and when I got back, I got intel from her cousins that she had a boyfriend. I was really shocked and confused because I knew she felt the same way. Later on, I found out that I made her wait too long so she moved on to somebody else.

I was still slightly attracted to her for the rest of the few years we're friends, but earlier this year I met an INFJ. We met in person and constantly texted or messaged each other after that and I really enjoyed our conversations. I began to drop my connection towards the ISFJ as my interest in the INFJ increased. We have similar interests and she understands where I go with things, but I don't know if these interests can escalate into something more. We met in person a few more times and I don't know if I feel as compatible with her than the ISFJ.

My problem here now is I can't decide between the two.. The INFJ is a great girl! I can be open about my feeling towards her and she totally understands and shares what she thinks as well, where as the ISFJ makes me figure out what she wants. I feel like she's playing mind games with me and not allowing me to know what's going on inside her head. When in person, she talks and shares what is going on with her life, but when I text her or message her, I feel as if she doesn't put effort into it. This is vice versa for the INFJ. We have great conversations through text, but when we're in person it's not as interesting and such. To conclude, the INFJ is more loyal and humble and a great personality overall, while the ISFJ can be more playful and charming and has more physical attraction. However, I don't feel as safe if I chose the ISFJ because she has had a few boyfriends within the years I've known her.

Advice/suggestions? Sorry if I confused anyone... there's more details I could have added but I didn't want this to be too long and boring for anyone.

Uhm. Well...
You'd get along better with the ISFJ, because their S is higher. The INFJ is the opposite of the ESTP. I've heard many success stories of INFJs and ESTPs getting along, though. But I know a ENFJ and ISTP couple (also opposites) who have had nothing but woes.
The upside is that the cog functions of the INFJ and ESTP are the same, just flipped.
Meaning the great times will be great and the bad times will be bad and mostly nothing in between.

But it has worked before.

But the longer you put both of them on hold, the higher chance that you won't get EITHER of them...

 

[Dilldough]

Follow your heart. Who do you see yourself with for a long time?

I'm an ESTP; I don't look long term. Commitments make me dread and to say I HAVE to stay with one girl for the rest of my life I think I'd go crazy.

 

[skycloud86]

I'm an ESTP; I don't look long term. Commitments make me dread and to say I HAVE to stay with one girl for the rest of my life I think I'd go crazy.

Then do every woman you might get into a relationship with a favour and don't get into a relationship. Make it clear to them that you don't want a long-term relationship, because if you dread commitment, it's not fair on either of you for you if you don't let her know before any serious relationship begins to form.

 

[ljames]

In-person conversations will get better
the more you see the infj, we're like
steam engines...takes a while to get
rolling but once we do it's hard to
stop (for me at least). That could be
long term though so you'd have
to show some dedication. I can't
speak for the isfj girl because
i don't know anything about isfj's,
but i do know about head-games
and the result has always
been negative in the end for
what it's worth...I would not
let either of them know they
were a numbered option either. roud:

 

[Resolution]

INFJ isn't really the opposite of ESTP. They're actually quite close.

 

[Dilldough]

Then do every woman you might get into a relationship with a favour and don't get into a relationship. Make it clear to them that you don't want a long-term relationship, because if you dread commitment, it's not fair on either of you for you if you don't let her know before any serious relationship begins to form.

That's not my intention... I'll eventually settle down when I'm older (at least past my thirties). For now, I want to be able to see my options. To me, having a girl friend doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to have her for a long term relationship. If I lose interest in her then obviously I would look for someone else. The commitment part is just a combination of everything, I don't want to miss out something (possible even a BETTER option) if I made a commitment.

 

[Vivid Melody]

I say neither of them.

 

[Lost in Oblivion]

That's not my intention... I'll eventually settle down when I'm older (at least past my thirties). For now, I want to be able to see my options. To me, having a girl friend doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to have her for a long term relationship. If I lose interest in her then obviously I would look for someone else. The commitment part is just a combination of everything, I don't want to miss out something (possible even a BETTER option) if I made a commitment.

Here's the problem with that: by having this attitude, you've already doomed the relationship to failure. Taking that approach of "I don't want to settle" now isn't fair to your partner and will put them through unnecessary hurt.

Not to mention, that this will leave you endlessly unsatisfied in the end. For example, if, every year, I bought the new version of a car, just think about how much money I've wasted - and you know, they're going to keep coming out with a new version every year. You're going to have to settle with one version of the car sooner or later - or, you can just keep buying the new version every year, if that's your sort of thing.

You won't know the true worth of a person in a relationship until way down the road. By having that "grass is greener" syndrome might actually make you lose out on the best option that was available, which, ironically, is exactly what you're trying to avoid.

 

[Killbain]

There was once a handsome man of wealth and power. Several women were interested in him as a prospective suitor.

One was a great homemaker, she could cook, clean and act as a perfect hostess.

The second was a fantastic artist. She could decorate a home with light and space and colour.

The third was a scientist and teacher with brilliant methematical and financial acumen.







He chose the one with the biggest boobs.

 

[Opabinia]

Dude.. the INFJ. You know it. A) She will be nastier in bed. B) We get quiet in person around ESTPs because you guys take up so much of the goddamned energy at first, so we just let you talk. All you have to do is start asking her questions about what she thinks about something. The INFJ wants adventure and you can give it. You need foresight and a non-judgmental atmosphere and the INFJ can give that.

 

[lightened]

So you're blaming temperament on a personality profile? There is your first mistake.

If you need help from others on choosing who you wish to get involved with in a relationship, you probably shouldn't be getting involved in any, period. You clearly have absolutely no understanding about your self, the basic needs, likes and dislikes that most people should figure out before getting involved in a relationship. I'd be wary if I were you. Your case preludes the typical scenario that involves "playing with people's emotions, because you have absolutely no idea to how and what or why you feel whatever it is that you feel."

Take a step back and really find out what you are doing, and why you are doing it.

 

[Jwing24]

Flip a coin.

 

[Dilldough]

Thanks for all of the replies, they really helped.

Here's the problem with that: by having this attitude, you've already doomed the relationship to failure. Taking that approach of "I don't want to settle" now isn't fair to your partner and will put them through unnecessary hurt.

Not to mention, that this will leave you endlessly unsatisfied in the end. For example, if, every year, I bought the new version of a car, just think about how much money I've wasted - and you know, they're going to keep coming out with a new version every year. You're going to have to settle with one version of the car sooner or later - or, you can just keep buying the new version every year, if that's your sort of thing.

You won't know the true worth of a person in a relationship until way down the road. By having that "grass is greener" syndrome might actually make you lose out on the best option that was available, which, ironically, is exactly what you're trying to avoid.

I totally agree with you, but I feel like you guys aren't completely seeing my point of view. That post you replied to is just referring to how I feel about relationships, but the problem as of now is choosing. I want to give relationships a chance so I can at least know what I want. I have the most problem with making decisions, especially when they're important ones, like this.

And about settling: I will settle, but not now. I want to be able to have a relationship with a girl but still keep my options opened to someone who might be better. And by saying that, I don't mean I will flirt and talk with every single girl I encounter while I have a girl friend, if you know what I mean. I want to ask you all what you will do when you find a girl who's better than your current mate. Would you slowly lose interest in your current one and be more attracted to the other one?

I feel like I'm attracted to the ISFJ physically and partially to her personality while on the other hand, the INFJs personality but not as much physically.

And the INTJ has a pretty good point. I'm going to wait and go with the flow so thanks guys.

 

[bengalcat]

I want to ask you all what you will do when you find a girl who's better than your current mate. Would you slowly lose interest in your current one and be more attracted to the other one?

When I do find a 'mate' it's someone who I think is the best thing since sliced bread. I devote myself wholeheartedly to finding out as much as I can about them and being very close to them. My attention is on building something worth keeping with them. I tend not to have any energy or interest in shopping around and continuing to compare. Basically, the person I get into a relationship is someone who I think is incomparable.

I didn't lose interest in the guy I was going out with long-distance for years despite the distance and the fact that he wasn't an amazing boyfriend. I pretty much thought I saw a genuinely good heart in him and that was enough to make me overlook all the other things. When it was over it wasn't because I had gradually lost interest. I made a choice to end it, but there was no waning of affection. The additions of fatigue and despair rather.

This perhaps may explain the lack of meeting of minds here on this issue of commitment and settling down. The whole idea of some sort of competition between people and 'upgrading' on human beings isn't one that sits very well with an INFJ's ideas on love, or at least to this one's. I mean I can see what you're saying and it sounds like it makes sense, but INFJs can be very picky in the first place and love is not really a hobby or pleasant time-filler. I don't go into anything I don't believe in - this of course is what makes getting into things quite hard and take a long time at the start.

 

[Resolution]

So you're blaming temperament on a personality profile? There is your first mistake.

If you need help from others on choosing who you wish to get involved with in a relationship, you probably shouldn't be getting involved in any, period. You clearly have absolutely no understanding about your self, the basic needs, likes and dislikes that most people should figure out before getting involved in a relationship. I'd be wary if I were you. Your case preludes the typical scenario that involves "playing with people's emotions, because you have absolutely no idea to how and what or why you feel whatever it is that you feel."

Take a step back and really find out what you are doing, and why you are doing it.

This is solid advice.

If you don't know enough to know what you want, it'll play holy hell in any relationship.

 

[TheRevaN]

Both of them is a good answer?
Well it depends a lot on what you want...If don't care for something serious then date both of them and have fun, keep the things light, don't give them any false expectations and all will be fine.
If you want something serious then ma friend this is your decision....Nobody around here can or should decide for you.