[LookingForTheDoor]

Hey guys, I'm having trouble an INTJ roommate and want to know if you guys can offer any help as to how I can better understand him/tolerate his tendencies.

So some (super long) background, feel free to skim this--we're both guys, and have been friends since the first year of college. I'm entering my third year now, and rooming with him for the summer. Prior to this he lived alone last year, and the year before got stuck with a guy that, at least among my friends, was universally intolerable. In the past he has been prone to isolation, not seeing or talking to anybody for extended periods of time, and with the stress of school, bad weather, and lack of social interaction I think he has enjoyed having me around as someone to talk to and hang out with. But here's the thing. He's the only person I interact with outside of work on a daily basis, and we pretty much run on the same schedule, doing everything together. This hasn't really been the case before this summer, and I'm finding that spending so much time with him has become tiring. As an INTJ he loves talking about his own interests, usually technology, but often our conversations tend towards bigger social issues. Because of his strong T preference, however, every time we talk about anything he speaks with pure logic and reason (he's thought through a lot of these things), and me, well the opposite I guess. This style of conversation, which usually leads to a debate of some sort, is tiring for me, and, because of his advantage, makes me feel inferior and overly defensive for a casual conversation, so I've shied away from my normal form of conversation, in which I ask a lot of questions, simply because I don't enjoy being logical all the time, if ever. He's somewhat arrogant in his beliefs, and just from the way he talks and makes statements it seems like whenever he says anything, his perspective on the matter is always correct, and he'll often criticize people and call them stupid from a "high and mighty" perspective, as if he is immune to making similar choices. I've found myself shutting him out more and more because I'm a terrible conversationalist to begin with, and conversations he starts always end up being in his style, which kills my already unstable moods.

So now that I've bored you with this essay, here's the real issue. After I leave school to go home for a couple weeks before school starts, he's going to join me there, leaving me with a week or so to myself at home. This is time that I really cherish, being at home, comfortable in my room with my family and friends from home, before the stress of school sets in. I originally offered early in the summer, and he booked tickets to be at my place for most of our break, in part because he doesn't like to be at home around his parents. I agreed to this time frame just because he immediately proposed it without asking how long he could stay, and now I'm afraid of being unable to enjoy myself because I'm going to have to entertain him for another week an a half while he uses my house for refuge. How can I better deal with this situation, and deal with him better? After the past two months I have to say that he's become an emotional liability for me, and while I wouldn't like for that to be our relationship I feel that we think on such a fundamentally different level that we'll never have the more enjoyable, relaxed, and carefree conversations that I share with my other friends. Ugh...

 

[Staryu]

Hey guys, I'm having trouble an INTJ roommate and want to know if you guys can offer any help as to how I can better understand him/tolerate his tendencies.

So some (super long) background, feel free to skim this--we're both guys, and have been friends since the first year of college. I'm entering my third year now, and rooming with him for the summer. Prior to this he lived alone last year, and the year before got stuck with a guy that, at least among my friends, was universally intolerable. In the past he has been prone to isolation, not seeing or talking to anybody for extended periods of time, and with the stress of school, bad weather, and lack of social interaction I think he has enjoyed having me around as someone to talk to and hang out with. But here's the thing. He's the only person I interact with outside of work on a daily basis, and we pretty much run on the same schedule, doing everything together. This hasn't really been the case before this summer, and I'm finding that spending so much time with him has become tiring. As an INTJ he loves talking about his own interests, usually technology, but often our conversations tend towards bigger social issues. Because of his strong T preference, however, every time we talk about anything he speaks with pure logic and reason (he's thought through a lot of these things), and me, well the opposite I guess. This style of conversation, which usually leads to a debate of some sort, is tiring for me, and, because of his advantage, makes me feel inferior and overly defensive for a casual conversation, so I've shied away from my normal form of conversation, in which I ask a lot of questions, simply because I don't enjoy being logical all the time, if ever. He's somewhat arrogant in his beliefs, and just from the way he talks and makes statements it seems like whenever he says anything, his perspective on the matter is always correct, and he'll often criticize people and call them stupid from a "high and mighty" perspective, as if he is immune to making similar choices. I've found myself shutting him out more and more because I'm a terrible conversationalist to begin with, and conversations he starts always end up being in his style, which kills my already unstable moods.

So now that I've bored you with this essay, here's the real issue. After I leave school to go home for a couple weeks before school starts, he's going to join me there, leaving me with a week or so to myself at home. This is time that I really cherish, being at home, comfortable in my room with my family and friends from home, before the stress of school sets in. I originally offered early in the summer, and he booked tickets to be at my place for most of our break, in part because he doesn't like to be at home around his parents. I agreed to this time frame just because he immediately proposed it without asking how long he could stay, and now I'm afraid of being unable to enjoy myself because I'm going to have to entertain him for another week an a half while he uses my house for refuge. How can I better deal with this situation, and deal with him better? After the past two months I have to say that he's become an emotional liability for me, and while I wouldn't like for that to be our relationship I feel that we think on such a fundamentally different level that we'll never have the more enjoyable, relaxed, and carefree conversations that I share with my other friends. Ugh...

I gather that the issue here is that you are unable to enjoy yourself because he is going to be around. And he's not enjoyable, relaxed, or carefree enough, so that seems to cause a great deal of stress for you, because you do not believe that you can enjoy yourself fully when he's around.
The best thing to do in this case, would be to either 1) tell him you need to work on some stuff and won't be able to entertain him, so he can either stay in your house or just go stay with his parents 2) tell him that it's fine that he's logical and everything, but it's honestly too uptight and that you don't feel like you can fully relax around him, and that you're worried that it'll affect your friendship
tell him this stuff, point blank. INTJs hate when people are evasive.
chances are, he'll be pretty accommodating. if not, not to worry, you don't need friends like him. but it's highly likely that he was not aware that he was making you feel that way.

 

[Molock]

That's a pretty terrible situation to be in. A little foresight might have prevented it but anyway...
You'll have to tell him to either a) go home at some time in the very near future or b) go do his own thing and allow you to spend more of your time doing what you want (as if he weren't around).

There are the only two solutions I can think of. Be direct in communication, if you are not clear enough he may not interpret the message as you intended.

 

[JungyesMBTIno]

I mean, if you can't be his mimic, then just entertain to the conversations differently from him. Just be creative about it. Or even better yet, just be honest that you're not as educated as he is on certain topics - it's really no big deal (I've told people how much more educated they are than me - maybe that'll improve the relationship). If you want to, try to learn from him. I mean, he didn't actually do anything to you. *shrugs* I mean, you can't actually be THAT unadaptable to people - that would be a huge liability on your part (to shut people down just because you can't deal with them - if he thinks people are stupid, then so what? He probably doesn't need to be preached at about it like he's 2 - doesn't mean he's abnormal either). Ultimately, try not to be a doormat and speak up for yourself. I don't mean to sound rude, but this sounds like a one-sided relationship, with you just egging him on.

 

[bluekitdon]

Say I love ya man, but I really need some time to myself. Of course I'm not always the best at relationships so might take that with a grain of salt. But somehow you need to tell him you need some space.

 

[ineffipy]

tell him this stuff, point blank. INTJs hate when people are evasive.
chances are, he'll be pretty accommodating. if not, not to worry, you don't need friends like him. but it's highly likely that he was not aware that he was making you feel that way.

THIS VERY STRONGLY. (how bold can it get? ) Chances are you are playing the tolerate it until bust game and INTJs are blind as a bat when it comes to other people's feelings. However, if you let him know what the issue is point blank, he will be alerted and will think about it a lot. Don't be afraid if he tries to argue with you, just keep pounding it into his head. If he treasures your friendship together, he will eventually learn. Learning how to communicate with an INTJ takes time and practice and persistence, so be patient with him and don't blow things up. He can be a very, very good friend in the long run; INTJs, once they begin to understand, usually are.

 

[Beauty for Ashes]

Wow... Like some others have said, I would just be up front and honest and be very factual and logical about what you need. You need time to recharge. Time to do X thing. Time to spend with X person alone. He's probably going to be fine with some time to himself and will understand what you mean. Just make sure you DO NOT come at it from an emotional angle, which he will either find irrelevant or make him feel threatened or both. Just explain the bare bones facts X + Y = Z and no more.

As to the heated conversations that end up in debates ... Just don't go there anymore if it irritates you. You will never get him to stop thinking he's right. Trying to beat an INTJ at a logic game is a huge lesson in frustration. I love my INTJ hubby to death, but he ALWAYS thinks he is right, especially if we somehow get into debate mode. The areas where I find his logic to be very helpful for me is if I factually present any dilemma I have, he will give me a possible solution to it. Sometimes his views make me angry/hurt (be ready for blunt), but other times they are VERY helpful, catching areas my own thinking (or lack thereof) missed in a way so simple that I don't even know HOW I missed it. Seriously, if he is friendly toward you, he could be a big help in practical ways and would probably enjoy that??

If you guys have some common interests/opinions, just focus on those or focus on your separate interests together.

 

[succubus]

If you're not into it, change it.

I don't see why you're going to accommodate him and his needs while sacrificing your needs/wants. Either way, I think whether or not he stays, his feelings are going to get hurt because it sounds like he's hard to get along with/live with.

I would come clean with him regardless of him getting his 'feelings' hurt. Sure, he might be upset for a long time (or not at all...) but, I think deep down, he would appreciate the honesty (or not care at all....) and might even come around again.


Best of luck.

 

[perfectcircle]

This may suck for you, cause it's very likely to effect your relationship depending on how mature you are, but mostly it might make you FEEL guilty, and conflict may be hard for you.

But this is learning opprotunity. You are worn out by his Te, but this is a situation you need to learn from him and use it. You need to say clearly and directly, "I know this is the situation we thought we had, but when I said it was ok to come over, I wasn't prepared to spend the entire break with you. My alone time and family time is very important to me, and I'm sorry to ask you to find something else to do for part of break." or the like. You're gonna feel like SHIT cause he already has the tickets.

This is kind of no win-win-- you can't be super decent and flexible and let him stay the whole break since he already bought tickets, and let everyone go feeling good, cause that's going to make you feel bad, and you probably feel you need to assert your boundaries and protect your free space. But unfortunately, a lack of foresight or prior planning happened when saying yes. In the future you'll know to say, "yes but for x days" or whatever, but these kinds of things HAPPEN in life, and sometimes it sucks. But that's ok.

Second of all, even if talking in a Te way drains you, it might be good for you. It sounds like you feel this implicit pressure to AGREE with him or adapt to his arguements. I get it if it feels like someone has a Te edge on you, cause he DOES, but that doesn't mean you have to respond and fight Te with Te! Use your Te & Ne to make clearly outline cause and effect MORAL arguements. Use Fi and a sense of humanity and right and wrong, and certain boundaries we just don't cross cause of uh, humanity. You'd be surprised how far you can get with these arguments if you do it well. Learning to advocate and be articulate and non-devensive but able to DELIVER your views could be really important. ummatute ntjs will cut you off or edge you out in conversation cause they just think you aren't getting what they have to say if you disagree, but ignore that if he does it, and know it's him not you haha. often if people think you have an interesting idea or slant, they will slow down and listen as you try to formulate. Don't let a sense of PRESSURE get to you, cause it'll make you say things you don't wanna say to catch up to the percieved speed & form of their Te-- but guess what, Te is an effective but crude tool, and once you bring the converation away to subtleties a lot more can happen. I wouldn't view an intj combating with you verbally as a situation where you have to adapt to him, but isntead see it as a challenge to step to the plate and communicate your views with someone who loves ideas, and is willing to do it even if they totally disagree with you, which is OK, cause you disagree with them!! That said, what you want to do with your time is yours alone, and you need to assert your needs (Fi) with your (Te) and not feel giulty about it!!

it also sounds like this guy is your sole source of social support. i know when you have few options it is REALLY REALLY EASY to get attatched to whoever is around out of convienence, and then feel obligated out of loyalty to stay with them. this is how i ended up with shitty friendships with peopel i didn't even like most of middle school, and how i ended up in weird situations in high school and even college, but the difference is by college i was able to say, "whoops this is awkawrd, you got the wrong idea. sorry not going to do that." Try making new friends at college or at least being comfortable alone. Stifling yourself for someone else's company makes you resent them and yourself.

 

[perfectcircle]

I mean, if you can't be his mimic, then just entertain to the conversations differently from him. Just be creative about it. Or even better yet, just be honest that you're not as educated as he is on certain topics - it's really no big deal (I've told people how much more educated they are than me - maybe that'll improve the relationship). If you want to, try to learn from him. I mean, he didn't actually do anything to you. *shrugs* I mean, you can't actually be THAT unadaptable to people - that would be a huge liability on your part (to shut people down just because you can't deal with them - if he thinks people are stupid, then so what? He probably doesn't need to be preached at about it like he's 2 - doesn't mean he's abnormal either). Ultimately, try not to be a doormat and speak up for yourself. I don't mean to sound rude, but this sounds like a one-sided relationship, with you just egging him on.

Agree but to be fair, sometimes at whatever level personalities are at, they just can't get along or bring negative things to eachother. I've had many situations in the abstract it's like, "i SHOULD be able to get along with this person, just be decent, flexible, and honest", but engaging with them leaves a bitter taste in my mouth every time. Sometimes it's not something othes would see, sometimes it is, but in the end, you just gotta go with what maeks you happy cause life is short. Some problems will be solved indirectly with other peopel down the road. I'm not saying it's a good idea to burn every bridge that proves challenging, but don't waste your life all the bridges you can't cross when there are nicer ones down the corner, for whatever reason.

 

[JungyesMBTIno]

You're too judgmental. Either that or you should really trust your hunches or experiences more about who you hang around.