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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For a couple of years I haven't had a solid reason to live. For some context, I grew up with strong religious beliefs, and these beliefs held up the context for why I exist .. or at least they gave my mind something to chew on so it would have peace that at least it was on the right track , annnd even better, it would be quiet and let me sleep sometimes.

That changed when I got sick three years ago when i was 20 with some nasty stuff, and through the experience of it, apparently by no conscious choice I remember I ditched all my beliefs in everything. Maybe it's that my mind became a scary place and my beliefs were feeding it, so to preserve my life, it displaced them? Not exactly sure, but anyways, I've got myself into a mess I don't know how to get out of, so this is me reaching out. I've always felt closer to this forum then really anyone in my life as far as understanding me and being helpful, so here's me and my mess.

Now why I bring this up is i just simply don't really like living that much anymore. Is it because I'm an ENFJ that losing a bigger picture or context of things and a system of beliefs Is so extremely uncomfortable for me? Because that's what I rely on as my strengths? I'm now embarrassing depressed and so anxious I don't until the sun is up most days. Ive talked to friends and they are definitely not up all night because they don't have a context for what the point of anything is. Why is this like torture for me? I want to be happy, but to be happy I feel like I need a context of what is going on around me. The answer seems simple that I just need to start again and figure out what I really believe and reconstruct my reality, but I'm so aware that it would me be just deciding how things are based on my very limited perspective and it would be wrong, and somewhere I feel like no one has a real answer.

I get a lot of internal dialog like..

Anyway who gave me the right to decide what is anyways? And how could anyone get that right so my mind could trust it.

We all seem to just decide what is best based on our own goals and perceptions. We live for what feels best but that doesn't mean much. But what goal is worth going for that doesn't feel good.

And I guess the depressed part of me thinks that if there isn't really a grand scheme about things and really life is just an attempt to go around finding ways to feel good emotions, then why no just say "hey I've already felt enough" and just end it?


Alright well there are some of my thoughts and I'm interested to see what you think about it all and even how it may relate to my personality.

even just a Tldr is okay feedback ha
 

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i was in a position somewhat similar but during that time i didn't know who or what i was. after endless days of random information devouring i came into contact with the personalty test. after i finished it and i read what my personalty was i was shocked,stunned and also a bit freaked out because there wasn't one thing i didn't have that it said. but it also brought me peace because i thought i was like this because i had some mental error etc. after that i started to devour as much information on the personalty's etc. and i was also lost and didn't know what to do to pull my self out. however i stopped and said hey wait lets just go one step at a time and i just worked on doing small things that didn't put to much stress on me.for ex. walking the elderly across the road,doing all the chores before your mom gets home so she can relax we always hold high expectations for us but me and you don't have the mental stability to take on the big tasks. We can improve our selves even by doing very simple things to help others that slowly rejuvenates us. so just go 1 step at a time and do simple things that help others and you will start to build
a new foundation for you mental,psychological and personal functions. and after time you will be back to 100%. good luck
 

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If it's any consolation, you are not alone and have helped me to feel like I'm a little less alone in having these thoughts too :)

I haven't slept normally in years either.

Why do you need a reason to stay alive dear? Are you dissatisfied with life in some way?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I admit I probably went too far on this one. Should keep some thoughts to myself lol. Not really a post to get help out of depression or whatever. More of a test to see if anyone related to or could dive into some of the mindsets that have been trouble for me to logic through lately. I've taken this feedback to heart though so thanks INFJeffery and Niffer
 

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No way, it's nice to have an outlet sometimes where it doesn't matter. We get so burdened with dark thoughts if we're not careful... that we KNOW we'll bounce back quickly from without much issue so there's no real need to worry the people in our life. But random strangers on the internet can be a very useful tool.

Definitely the bottom line here is you should NEVER feel like you shouldn't express yourself one way or another. Keeping everything to myself is what got me in trouble with extreme anxiety.
 

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You did not go too far or say to much *hug* please don't ever think that telling others your thoughts will result in some kind of backlash, it does depend on where you say things but I think you are quite safe here. There is nothing wrong and everything right with wanting a life 'purpose', I feel so many people just exist in a state of inertia but that's not OK or RIGHT.

I think the more you don't feel bad (this I've done myself too) for feeling bad or wanting more the easier it is. It's ok to expect more out of life and to be ambitious , regardless if those around you are not. I have had people tell me that I'm an inspiration to them and I don't even see how, because I feel like a freaking basketcase most of the time.

My INTJ friend today said "Hint: everyone is a basketcase" :D . What brings you joy? What do you feel passionate about? If you don't feel any and wish you did, what used to bring you joy? Do you think it could again? My ex did the greatest thing which he thinks is nothing and told me I'd never paint that canvas that I had.

Well it's been years since then and I have at least 100 paintings and people tell me all the time they are beautiful. I was painting from my soul, people are telling me that my soul is beautiful. I just did abstract stuff and went with feeling, you could give it a try or some artistic expression if you have it. I would never in a million years say I wanted to paint but I let go of my reasoning mind and did and it's something I can't imagine living without now.

It makes me feel.. alive :) I read somewhere that it's not people that are afraid to die, it's that they are afraid to really LIVE. Do your passion and you'll find your purpose :)
 
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My INTJ friend just said: "Tell him its from an INTJ that wishes him only the best and that his purpose will come to him as he grows into it."

 
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