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Discussion Starter #1
(Posted also to ISTJ, for I don't know if he is E/I.)

So I'm INFP female myself and have a big crush on ESTJ male. We have known each others for a year and became friends. He is maybe the kindest person I know. Last half a year we spent a lot of time together. I feel that he was always trying to find a reason to meet me and then we ended up cooking food together, watching movies etc. He always helped me with all the manly stuff I could not do myself and noticed if I was having a bad day and tried to cheer me up. He also flirted a bit and also told that I had nice outfits. If I asked him to join an event he was always there, even when I thought he would definitely not be interested in that event. I think his roommate thought that we had something going on and teased him a bit.

The sad thing is that he moved away. And I realize that I am thinking about him everyday. We have some plans to do a trip together with him and maybe some friends, and I will see him once before that, NEXT WEEK. (The trip being in September.)

So does it sound like he is just friendly or might he like me back? Should I tell him that I like him? Or will that scare him away? Should I do it before or after the trip? And how should I do it?

Please help, I have never told anyone that I like them!!
 

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@Pocis Go for it. It can be difficult to tell how a TJ feels from their actions, but it sounds like you definitely have a shot. Even if he doesn't like you, you still gain a valuable experience, and you can move on more easily. If you're thinking of him everyday, the only way to get your mind back is to have closure.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for your advice @maust!
 
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So does it sound like he is just friendly or might he like me back?


Could be both. They're friendly because it's the right/proper/socially-acceptable thing to do. It's one of their most charming traits. ;)

But he could also like you back. One of their love languages tends to be from acts of kindness.

Should I tell him that I like him? Or will that scare him away?
Funny story, my boyfriend (ESTJ) wouldn't have known that I liked him if I hadn't accidentally slipped on saying the fact. :p

Now we're 5 years together and currently 1 year long distance. If I hadn't made the first move, we probably would have just stayed friends out of oblivion.

I'm pretty sure ESTJ won't be scared away from a confession. They're generally very confident and consider what people have to say.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you @Ahiko, seems like I just have to get the courage and tell him! And figure out when it is the best time..
 

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Thank you @Ahiko, seems like I just have to get the courage and tell him! And figure out when it is the best time..
You're welcome!

It might be of interest to read up on Socionics dual relations, which the INFP/ESTJ pairing is (They're equivalent to INFj/ESTj in Socionics).

Dual relations actually don't notice each other in the beginning, which is the most amusing part. :p

But they are the best in terms of personality compatibility. Random food for thought. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #7
You're welcome!

It might be of interest to read up on Socionics dual relations, which the INFP/ESTJ pairing is (They're equivalent to INFj/ESTj in Socionics).

Dual relations actually don't notice each other in the beginning, which is the most amusing part. :p

But they are the best in terms of personality compatibility. Random food for thought. :)
I have to check this out, thanks for the tip! I remember that at least I did not notice him at first.. And then after a while I started to like him a bit but noticed that only after my friend noticed it first.. :D
 

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To me, it seems a lot like he likes you ^^
I can really see myself and one of my male ESTJ friends in most of those behaviours.
However, it's extremely important, that you clearly tell him, what you want from him.
I try to get away from it, but the ESTJs I know sometimes do "option seeking". Maybe he's thinking something like: "She's nice, she's pretty, she has certain qualities, she'd be a safe bet. I don't love her, but I would try a relationship, if she loves me"
If that's the case, you really need to express what you feel, as understandable as possible. If he likes you back, he'll respond positively and if he's not sure, he'll either also say, that he loves you or he will try to stay back and pretend that he didn't understand you.
As long as your description is accurate (I know, that INFPs sometimes misunderstand what an ESTJ does) I would say, that he either likes you or sees you at least as an option ^^
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you @Tsubaki!! Oh, I really should just tell him!
 

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(Posted also to ISTJ, for I don't know if he is E/I.)

So I'm INFP female myself and have a big crush on ESTJ male. We have known each others for a year and became friends. He is maybe the kindest person I know. Last half a year we spent a lot of time together. I feel that he was always trying to find a reason to meet me and then we ended up cooking food together, watching movies etc. He always helped me with all the manly stuff I could not do myself and noticed if I was having a bad day and tried to cheer me up. He also flirted a bit and also told that I had nice outfits. If I asked him to join an event he was always there, even when I thought he would definitely not be interested in that event. I think his roommate thought that we had something going on and teased him a bit.

The sad thing is that he moved away. And I realize that I am thinking about him everyday. We have some plans to do a trip together with him and maybe some friends, and I will see him once before that, NEXT WEEK. (The trip being in September.)

So does it sound like he is just friendly or might he like me back? Should I tell him that I like him? Or will that scare him away? Should I do it before or after the trip? And how should I do it?

Please help, I have never told anyone that I like them!!
Assuming you want to get together with the guy in question, your best bet is to just look for opportunities to initiate contact with the guy in question. Physically meeting up is hard in your case, but talking online is good also. ISTJs tend to respond better online.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thank you for advice, @Epicyclic! That is true. It is just I do not really use social media so I guess I do not have that choice. :/ But I just have to use the old-fashioned ways to initiating contact! :)
 

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I'd say go for it. With an ESTJ you need to be direct, we like certainty. Just let him know you like you like him and your expectations for a possible relationship if that is what you desire.

If he's interested he will acknowledge almost immediately with a similar sentiment. If he's not sure, but sees you as an option, be very afraid. That's when he will see you as a passing option to satisfy his desires/ego until someone else he desires comes along.
 

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I'd say go for it. With an ESTJ you need to be direct, we like certainty. Just let him know you like you like him and your expectations for a possible relationship if that is what you desire.

If he's interested he will acknowledge almost immediately with a similar sentiment. If he's not sure, but sees you as an option, be very afraid. That's when he will see you as a passing option to satisfy his desires/ego until someone else he desires comes along.
And trust your gut, NFs! An unsure ESTJ will give a lot of mixed signals, so it's up to the NF to just know when to draw the line and walk away, if the NF senses they're not getting an equal effort from the ESTJ.
 
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For NFs - ESTJs are quite direct. Take what we say at face value, and try not to jump to conclusions. Jumping to conclusions and accusing him based on that conclusion you jumped to is a great way to get into an argument / conflict.

In general, it is difficult to assess if the ESTJ is being polite when saying no, or being cautious, unless you know the person well. What is quite clear cut is if the ESTJ says yes - the person will spare no effort in getting close.
@Seamaid - Why trust your gut feelings when relating to ESTJs? What does it mean by trusting it?
 

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For NFs - ESTJs are quite direct. Take what we say at face value, and try not to jump to conclusions. Jumping to conclusions and accusing him based on that conclusion you jumped to is a great way to get into an argument / conflict.

In general, it is difficult to assess if the ESTJ is being polite when saying no, or being cautious, unless you know the person well. What is quite clear cut is if the ESTJ says yes - the person will spare no effort in getting close.
@Seamaid - Why trust your gut feelings when relating to ESTJs? What does it mean by trusting it?
Not all ESTJs -- just the ones who are hiding something and for whatever reason find it difficult to be authentic to themselves (inferior Fi)...

Example: The ESTJ I got involved with was trying to repress his bisexuality (or maybe homosexuality) by having girlfriends. He intends to get married to a woman and have children. Still, it was obvious to me that he preferred to be with men, judging by what he said of his past and his ongoing interests, and women were kind of the "poor substitute". He never could just admit all this out loud directly, he conveyed it with lots of hints that I had to piece together -- with my gut.

I can see and have heard of closet bi and gay men in the military (an ESTJ-heavy institution) who lead similar double lives -- one life to appease tradition/status quo and another life trying to appease their true self, while hating themselves for having to lie, often turning to drink and drugs because the lying itself goes against their values. When an ESTJ is that deeply in denial or trying to control/resist their feelings while concocting a fictitious fantasy, it is up to the NF to listen to what their gut is telling them, and this goes for anyone, that any type may meet.

All I am saying is that ESTJs feel DUTY BOUND to do the "right" thing, and sometimes that "right" thing is not who they really are, but ESTJs will suppress who they are, and in the long run will make themselves miserable and everybody involved with them by playing a role they only think they should play. They need to learn that it's ok to follow their feelings and be themselves, to do what makes them happy and not feel bad about it no matter what other people might say. INFPs and ENFPs can sense when people are not being real instinctively, therefore must trust their gut no matter how in love they might be, because an ESTJ hell-bent on being "straight" will get married and have kids and then regret it down the line, when their true feelings finally decide to assert themselves.
 

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I think you should just go for it! I'm an ESTJ and before we got together, my boyfriend told me he liked me. At the time I didn't reciprocate it and I said, "I'm sorry I just don't feel that way about you". We continued to hang out and then I thought, "Hang on. Why am I hanging out with this guy so much?" My attraction grew and before I knew it, we were together!

I don't reckon you should over think it or consider what your relationship should be like etc just yet. If he likes you back, great! Enjoy that feeling. If he doesn't feel the same, then it's no biggie. Feel proud you were able to be openly honest with someone and be vulnerable.
 
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