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So, I personally am a 3w4, and my friend is a 1 (not sure of the wing). Frankly, we haven't had a very steady friendship, it has been like a roller coaster. To be honest, after our most recent conflict, I realized that I am definitely in the wrong for not trusting her, and doubting her abilities. In the past when we have tried to make up, I have attempted to explain my actions, but none of my reasons were good enough for her (understandably in some cases, not so much in others).
Normally, I would just admit fault and try to move on, however, in this situation, that feels unnatural, and at times it simply feels like we are incompatible. I guess the real rub, is that I want to apologize, and clean my side of the street, but I'm not sure that I want to continue having a friendship at the level that we previously did. Any suggestions on how to approach the situation?
Thanks in advance for your time!
-Pam
 

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MOTM Jan 2014
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Every1 is different :p but if you want to win her forgiveness, I would suggest showing her through your actions that you are determined to improve. 1s respond well to 'right action' which reveals you have understood your mistake and plan to improve. They spend their lives improving all of their own errors, and grow resentful that others don't take this seriously.
Actually, having read this a second time, I am not going to say I 'suggest' doing that - but rather, that is what a 1 probably wants to see, and would respond well to. Whether you want to give that to her, or feel her requirements serve your needs as well, is another question.

That said, I cannot tell you whether the relationship is worth it. What do you feel? What value does the relationship add to your life?
 

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Pam,

Sorry to hear about you and your friend. I've definitely felt like I think you're describing your 1 friend to other people and know it isn't fun for anyone. Short answer - I'd say, apologize only if you really do truly feel sorry for something you did or said, and only if you truly do want to apologize and feel it's necessary.

1's are very sensitive to the idea of correction - they tend to empathize with those who recognize a need to correct themselves, because the tiniest part of them is always under the gun of being wrong too. I know the times an apology has really moved me has usually been a time when I see that someone has really beat themselves up over something and I start to do it too to myself and feel like I'm actually the one who is the asshole.

Not sure of the details of your situation, but if it's really an incompatibility at play and not anything you truly did wrong, I'm not so sure that a heartfelt apology per above is needed here. I would probably say something that apologizes for any hurt for not having noticed the incompatibility sooner ("I didn't realize how much it bothers you when X") and increase your distance.
 

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I think apologizing to a 1 is easy-- just do it. 1s tend to be forgiving when people admit fault. However, that doesn't mean they're going to agree with you or see your point of view. They will accept your apology while continuing to fully believe you were in the wrong. And since they're used to feeling that other people are in the wrong, she might not see this particular dynamic as being harmful to your friendship ("what's wrong? I treat everybody this way!")
 

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Personally, I dont like apologies. I think they are unnecessary, a waste of time and uncomfortable for everyone involved. I know what you did wrong, you (the potential apologizer) know what you did wrong, cant we just move on? Try not to repeat your mistakes and dont fuckin bother me, I dont want to hear your excuses :D
 

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Simply never repeat the same mistake and show a deliberate wariness in avoiding that mistake and let the 1 know that you learned this lesson because of her. That's what I'd like to see.
 

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I personally require an apology, or you're out.

The main issue I've had with people is when they apologise for something I consider grave (like breaking my trust) and then expect everything to return to how it was before. An apology, especially an insincere one, only lets me know you want to change. It doesn't reverse anything or re-earn what you broke. That's much harder won.
 

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So, I personally am a 3w4, and my friend is a 1 (not sure of the wing). Frankly, we haven't had a very steady friendship, it has been like a roller coaster. To be honest, after our most recent conflict, I realized that I am definitely in the wrong for not trusting her, and doubting her abilities. In the past when we have tried to make up, I have attempted to explain my actions, but none of my reasons were good enough for her (understandably in some cases, not so much in others).
Normally, I would just admit fault and try to move on, however, in this situation, that feels unnatural, and at times it simply feels like we are incompatible. I guess the real rub, is that I want to apologize, and clean my side of the street, but I'm not sure that I want to continue having a friendship at the level that we previously did. Any suggestions on how to approach the situation?
Thanks in advance for your time!
-Pam
I don't know if you are still reading replies here and you probably already sorted the issue since then but I'll comment just in case or for anyone else reading.

I guess the part that's hard is if she wants to continue the friendship at the earlier level. I would say, be as respectful and attentive as possible in discussing things and in discussing how you feel about the issues that make you feel like you can't go on with some things anymore, but if you are sure that you need to have some limits then do set up those. You can't force yourself to do something that's unmaintainable, especially if you see the reason for why it is so.

Another main piece of advice here is examining the nature and the extent of the incompatibility and if she'd like to, discussing that together. This is me, but I'd prefer to discuss, and have all the facts laid out. That then can help me understand and have empathy too for the side of the other party. Actually, talk about feelings too, those can be part of the facts.

The thing though is, unless she's a very healthy 1, anything that is not just the facts objectively laid out for a constructive purpose and instead can feel like criticism, is going to get in the way, IMO. Because the 1 already is trying their best* and then it feels like it's unappreciated. Even if that's an irrational initial reaction to the criticism or to whatever sounded like a criticism. So that's the tricky part there.

*: (That can be improved further though, of course. :D And one of the ways it can be done is through taking in more facts through accepting constructive "criticism".)

Anyway, good luck if that's still relevant.
 

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I think MBTI and Eneagram plays together. I am ESTJ.

I like apologies too myself, but it's not so easy to apologize, I think there are a few requirements I check off.
1. How great was the offense? Can I forgive you?
2. Do you mean your apology? and I expect more then the word Sorry. You need to know why you are sorry? I don't want a sorry because you want to please me, no deal if that's the case.
3. How many times have you done this? How many strikes do you have? If you apologize for the same things more then twice or thrice I'll have to tell you that you don't mean it. I give some chances but if it's too many times then no. If I see that you mean it through observing you with others or somehow, I'll think about it.

If you keep having issues I may say that our friendship maybe isn't worth keeping.

I have had a friend who I believe is a 3 but her wing is 2. I think?
 

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From my experience, the apology should be short and sincere. Make it short, because longer ones would sound too contrived, too fake. Admit your mistake and take responsibility. Also, it should be honest. I think 1's are the kind of people who would rather not receive an apology than receive an insincere one. This should be enough for the 1 to forgive you. No need for grand, theatrical gestures or anything like that. Just a simple and honest private apology.
 

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Just add a short description of what you did. They want to hear you say it! :)
for me, they know what they did, i know what they did ..as soon as i start hearing the apology, i shut them up and forgive them.... i interrupt with ... "dude... its ok. were human. same team. love you bro" ... big bear hug.

but thats me... type 8. i have a feeling type 1's might want the whole thing. good point 1nq.
 

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Like so, "I am sorry. *Insert sincere apology here without making any note of things you felt she did wrong* Will you please forgive me?"

I wish you luck in your endeavors!
 
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