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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all, I need your help... as an ENTJ I suck at making apologies.* I believe I have really hurt my INFP friend by neglecting to invite her to a gathering... but that is just my guess as she won't return my texts, and has blocked me on Facebook.

I did seek her out the next day and she shut the door in my face after saying she doesn't want to talk or be friends.* I realize that confronting her too soon was the wrong way to go.* But when she upset me, she text and called many times right away... and she even cried when we did meet to talk.* I assumed I could do the same.

Is there any hope?* It's been weeks and I have kept my distance.* I have been constantly thinking of what I can do or say to get her back in my life and it doesn't seem possible... I am afraid I will upset her even more.
 

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I’m sorry you are having problems with your friend. Do you mind if I ask your approximate ages? What’s typical for a 15-year-old would be something major for a 35-year-old for instance.

I think there is more to this story. Everyone is an individual, not an MBTI type. That said, INFPs are easily hurt but usually forgiving to a fault. It’s not like us to door slam at all, let alone over a social slight. My guess is either there has been an ongoing pattern of behavior she finds unacceptable, or there is some underlying unresolved romantic attachment on one or both of your parts and she felt the need to cut you off to avoid being hurt.

If she’s blocked you, you may have to respect her wishes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the reply. We are "adults" I guess you could say, but for 30 year olds I don't seem to have enough life experience to solve this on my own.

I had just invited her to a party the previous weekend, one I was throwing, and she seemed just fine then. But the gathering in question was not even my planning, yet I get the blame... I am very confused.

As far as unresolved romantic interests... maybe. I have felt that she could have romantic feelings for me, subtle touches (and some not so subtle), staring at me from across the room, and the deep eye contact we share... but, I am learning introverted types are very good at hiding their feelings, so I try not to get ahead of myself on that front.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Consistently thinking =/= Consistently acting with care

If she still likes you, you need to gain her trust back.
Ideas/suggestions on how to gain her trust back? I guess I am just afraid of saying the wrong thing, since I don't understand what exactly I've done incorrectly, so I don't know which steps I need to take to fix it.
 

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Completely agree with @Blue Flower

As I was reading the doorslaming thing, I thought There's no way this is over a social non-invite, that's too excessive. She's been carrying something for a while, a repetition of hurt feelings, over and over and over. Now she has exploded.

I realize that confronting her too soon was the wrong way to go.
No, it wasn't. It was a good move.
In other circumstances, her reaction would've been either to accept talking with you, or ask you directly for time and space to think. The doorslam tells me something abnormal has happened, and like BF said, she might like you romantically, possibly, but whether she does or not, the bottom line remains the same: accumulation of hurt feelings over an extended period of time.

Ideas/suggestions on how to gain her trust back?
Here's the problem, and I quote you:

but that is just my guess as she won't return my texts, and has blocked me on Facebook.
You are guessing. Nobody knows the WHY behind her behavior, and without knowing the WHY it's super difficult to know how to aproach this.
I was going to say Give her time and space to lick her wounds and process stuff, but then I read where you said it's been weeks. Weeks is good. A month is good too, considering she's REEEEALLLY hurt and furious.

I would give her a month, then reach out. Imo you need to use your very own words that you already told us:

I guess I am just afraid of saying the wrong thing, since I don't understand what exactly I've done incorrectly, so I don't know which steps I need to take to fix it.
Have you told her that? Cause that's exactly what you need to say.

If you already did, and she's not talking to you ---> no hope. Walk away. Maybe one day you'll bump into her accidentally in the street and you'll get talking again, it's happened to me before with NTJs. But in this scenario, forget the friendship and leave life to the gods.

Trust is built with:
* Show humility
* Actions
* Consistency/Reliability

Until you figure out what happened (the WHY) and what she needs, I'm not sure what those actions should be. If it turns out that she has romantic feelings for you, and you don't reciprocate, leave her alone; she shouldn't be friends with you, that's torture.
 

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Forgot to add: About the blocking. I don't know how or where you guys communicate, but whenever I blocked my NTJ friend on wassap and other social media, he found my instagram somehow (I don't even fucking know how that happened) and he PMed me through there. So you have options, just think outside the box. You could write on paper and put it in her mailbox, wouldn't be first time a friend does that, they put letters under my door in the past. Think creatively.

If communication gets blocked again, just accept the lost battle and walk away.

But I think that whatever you say next will make it or break it, so think carefully. Like I said, your previous words were, imo, the exact thing you have to say, cause it puts you in a place of humility, curiosity and genuine concern. Whereas saying something like "Gurl can you explain to me why you did that thing? Why u no talk to me??? Explaaaain" sounds demanding and like you're cornering her for explanations. She's not in a mindset where she believes she owes you anything; it's more like she thinks you owe her something. (Why she would think that, I don't know).

Remember that her Why is not going to be just one thing; she has a bunch of things stored, all related to each other like a web.
 
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I think there is more to this story. Everyone is an individual, not an MBTI type. That said, INFPs are easily hurt but usually forgiving to a fault. It’s not like us to door slam at all, let alone over a social slight. My guess is either there has been an ongoing pattern of behavior she finds unacceptable
I second this one! I was kinda irritated when I heard a rumor that i no longer go to lunch with some people in our office because they forgot to invite me to a gathering / dinner.. It's like.. Wth? I'm not that petty. Yes im sensitive but i wont get mad forever just because of one incident. Indeed if there's a consistent pattern of negative behaviors towards me then yes ill get distant eventually...

So have you thought of other actions that you may have done in the past, prior to that event?



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I would say to talk to her and be humble when doing so. Something i found out about myself is when i get pissed off at someone and yet that someone talked to me very humbly, sincerely apologized and saw a consistent positive behavior then my heart starts to melt.


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I can see myself doing the same kind of thing, slamming the door, because I felt slighted.

It usually means, there were other "crimes", leading up to the final door slam. But the party non-invite, is what everyone will think is the *The Main Reason*.

I'd love to talk with this woman. Invite her to this thread. Get her side of the story. Cross examination. Put her on the stand, let her speak her mind and story. "Why did you block him?" It would be interesting to see if she is teaching you a lesson for what she considers bad manners? .... or did she observe you doing something that really turned her off, something she holds value in, that you violated in her Rule Book. Remember, it's her eyes looking out into the world, her rules, her boundaries, it isn't what you feel is right. She is the one in the driver's seat here.

[HIGHLIGHT]Knees.[/HIGHLIGHT] You can use them. But it's been weeks. It looks like you've already been down the explaining and begging road.

Who knows what the future holds? She may come back around. Out of the blue one fine spring morning, when the sap is running high.

I do NOT forgive easily, but if there is any glimmer of hope for a re-connect with a human, that I have thrown into the broken toys pile... I need to feel pity or sorry for the person when they are apologizing to me. "I screwed up..." usually works. Plus a handful of cash and gift cards. This look works at times:


Everyone screws up. Some more than others.
 

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Can you just talk to her? Tell her that you miss the friendship and don't quite know what went wrong and you would like to fix it. Ask her how you can make it right. I think this is good advice with any personality type.

For me, if an apology doesn't get at what actually happened, it is not something I can forgive. I can appreciate that there was an apology and the effort involved but if it is not the right thing, how can I know the situation is rectified?
 

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If she's mad that you didn't invite her, she's probably reading something into why you did not, who know what it is, look at the reason why you didn't invite her, and look at the reason why she thinks you didn't, and if she has misinterpreted the reason why you can clear it up for her.

Or maybe you can simply tell her you'l invite her next time, you did not know it would get her so down.
 

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I would say to talk to her and be humble when doing so. Something i found out about myself is when i get pissed off at someone and yet that someone talked to me very humbly, sincerely apologized and saw a consistent positive behavior then my heart starts to melt.


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I agree. Anger and hate are not our nature. Consistent positive behaviors can melt it down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thank you all for the informative replies, this is just what I needed to know. I am going to write up something I can send her and have you give it the ok... this really does feel like its life or death. I am thinking short and sweet would be better?

I haven't said a word to her since she shut the door in my face 8 weeks ago. That hurt and I have been in shock since. She and I got along so well, I don't understand where it went wrong... but even before that I have been trying to get a read on her, if she does have romantic feelings for me or not, and it seemed impossible to tell because she is quite reserved about some things. Or maybe I have been getting in my own way this entire time.
 

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Thank you all for the informative replies, this is just what I needed to know. I am going to write up something I can send her and have you give it the ok... this really does feel like its life or death. I am thinking short and sweet would be better?

I haven't said a word to her since she shut the door in my face 8 weeks ago. That hurt and I have been in shock since. She and I got along so well, I don't understand where it went wrong... but even before that I have been trying to get a read on her, if she does have romantic feelings for me or not, and it seemed impossible to tell because she is quite reserved about some things. Or maybe I have been getting in my own way this entire time.

Do you have romantic feelings for her?

Yes, short and sweet but sincere and humble. My experience with ENTJ apologies is they tend to have a “but” in them that shares the blame. Own up to hurting her AND not knowing exactly why. And wanting to give her a chance to share her side. If you admit to being a bit emotionally clueless (assuming that’s the case) you will appeal to her helping side. But it MUST be sincere.

And if you have feelings for her and she lets you back in, you have to take the lead. You’re the guy AND you are ENTJ!! Out of character to sit back and wait even if you have your own issues so she will never believe you are interested unless you show her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Do you have romantic feelings for her?

Yes, short and sweet but sincere and humble. My experience with ENTJ apologies is they tend to have a “but” in them that shares the blame. Own up to hurting her AND not knowing exactly why. And wanting to give her a chance to share her side. If you admit to being a bit emotionally clueless (assuming that’s the case) you will appeal to her helping side. But it MUST be sincere.

And if you have feelings for her and she lets you back in, you have to take the lead. You’re the guy AND you are ENTJ!! Out of character to sit back and wait even if you have your own issues so she will never believe you are interested unless you show her.
I do have romantic feelings for her, but I have kept them hidden(as much as I can) for fear of ruining our friendship... which seems to have happened anyway.

And you're quite correct about my apologies "sharing the blame." Something I am trying to work on, since it seems my apologies don't come off as sincere, even when I do regret something big time. I end up trying to logically explain my way through why I did what I did to help the other side see my perspective, and it comes off as not acknowledging their side at all, playing the blame game - which is not what I intended.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Here is what I drafted so far:

Hey... I have been afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so I've kept my distance. Every day since, I've been trying to figure out if it's possible for you to consider talking to me again. I've misunderstood a lot of things and it hurts me greatly that I've hurt you, I am sorry.

If not being friends or ever speaking to me again is what you really need, then I will do my best to respect that. It's not what I want at all, but I will still be here if you ever need me. I hope that one day we can talk and be friends again.
 

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Here is what I drafted so far:

Hey... I have been afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so I've kept my distance. Every day since, I've been trying to figure out if it's possible for you to consider talking to me again. I've misunderstood a lot of things and it hurts me greatly that I've hurt you, I am sorry.

If not being friends or ever speaking to me again is what you really need, then I will do my best to respect that. It's not what I want at all, but I will still be here if you ever need me. I hope that one day we can talk and be friends again.
Add the bit where you really miss her and she means a lot to you. My husband is ENTJ and I know it’s hard for you guys to articulate some of this stuff. :heart:
 

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I do have romantic feelings for her, but I have kept them hidden(as much as I can) for fear of ruining our friendship... which seems to have happened anyway.

And you're quite correct about my apologies "sharing the blame." Something I am trying to work on, since it seems my apologies don't come off as sincere, even when I do regret something big time. I end up trying to logically explain my way through why I did what I did to help the other side see my perspective, and it comes off as not acknowledging their side at all, playing the blame game - which is not what I intended.
Yep. And the other side sees it as defending your own position as if you think you were right. My husband does that too. Drives me crazy.
 
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