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Hello all. Before you decide to banish me to the darklands, yes, I am not INTP, I am ENFP. But I thought who better to ask advice about INTP´s than other INTP´s.
This story may seem a little long and being INTP´s you may get bored before you reach the end. But trust me, there is plenty in here for you to analyse 

This summer I met a girl. Well. I forced the meeting on her, being an ENFP as I am. I live in Spain, and one morning this summer when I dropped my sun off at summer school there was something that changed my life. I always speak to my son in English, and to my surprise there was a young girl dropping off a child, and she too was speaking English to the child. My ears perked at hearing English. I could tell it wasn´t her native tongue but she spoke really well. Anyway, she was very attractive, but the more I looked at her the more distant and lost she looked. It would turn out that she was a summer sitter for a family here. It troubled me to see her looking so lost. Anyway, I went home, but to say I thought nothing more of it would be a lie. You see as an ENFP I always want to help people feel better, and generally I do. I also always pick up stray animals off the street.

The next day I saw her again and she was speaking on her phone. This time she was speaking her native tongue, and although I only 3 or 4 words of that language (I have friends from the same country) I recognized where she was from. So I spoke to her. She looked understandably shocked and freaked out (being an INTP). I phoned a friend who had a summer sitter from the same country, who also did not seem to mix well with people and was lonely, so I thought hey, I´m going to introduce these girls and that way hopefully they will both be happier. It worked, they met, hit it off, and are still friends now.

That weekend I was going with my family and friends for a weekend away. To my surprise the friends who had the summer sitter said that this girl I had met had asked if she could come along as well. Anyway, we had a great weekend and I started to feel close to her. Too close maybe. We were 20 people on that weekend and god only know how but I had been convinced to make pizzas for everybody. It was manic. The oven was useless, and I was running out of ingredients. Anyway, the stray INTP was the one there helping me, calming me, assisting me in making various waves of pizzas. It was insanely good to be with her. She was coming out of her shell around me, being really funny and fun loving, and in turn she was helping me to relax. I have a tendency for anxiety; in fact I have been on meds for a few years now. Anyway, that weekend I forgot to take them. That evening with the pizzas she revealed that she was having a really hard time with the family here for whom she was sitting, and she didn´t know how she was going to survive the last week. So I told her to jack it in and come and stay at mine for a week as I had the space. She broke down in tears, not understanding there were people like that.

So she stayed with me. I didn´t see much of her as she was out doing her own thing, but when I was around her it was magic. And I always seemed to get a smile out of her. We both have a very sarcastic f**k you kind of humour. At the end of the week it was time for her to go home. It was a really shitty day. She wrote me a letter and gave it to me, that expressed a lot of feelings she couldn´t understand or describe, thanks for everything, and if one day I am a mother I want the children to have a father like you. I had also written her a message explaining that I didn´t know what was happening but that I had really strong feelings for her.

I took her to her bus to get to the airport. She was emotional after reading the message I saint, and we held hands all the way. She held my hand so tight that she almost cut off the circulation. She got on the bus, I stayed to wave her off, then being the hopeless romantic I am I got on the bus and kissed her. She was crying like crazy and it was really hard to see her like that. Just an extra note, the whole week she was around me I didn´t take my meds. And I had never felt better in myself.

So she went home, and for the next few weeks we talked every day on the phone. We even said I love you to each other, and we had 3 hour long video conversations, but with silences where we would just look at each other. She revealed secrets to me that she has never told anybody, and me to her.

Things started to turn sour. I pushed too much emotionally and she said things that just didn´t fit my values. So I almost cut contact and that really affected her. So much so that she told me she had lost trust in me. Since then there have been disagreements, and she has been very direct and said there will never be romance between us, just friendship if I want it.

So we have tried being friends, calling and laughing with each other, but every now and again things get heated. Then a few days ago, at 1am she sent me a voice message. It was in her native tongue and she was crying like crazy. Of course, I am a protector and carer so it really upset and worried me. I phone her the next day and asked her if she was better and if she wanted to talk and she said she was better and no, didn´t want to talk. I didn´t know if that was because her sister was there with her or why. Anyway, I used a transcribe app and translation software (took me bloody hours) to try and interpret it. I needed to understand what was affecting her so much because I care for her a lot. Once I got the translation I sent her a message saying I wasn´t sure if the translation had worked but it sounded like this that and the other. I said I was sorry I couldn´t help her but that I am here if she needs me. I said that if any time she felt she could tell me these things in English then I would listen. I also said it would be great to talk on the phone, but maybe without her sister being there all the time.

F**k, that set things off. She wrote me that she wasn´t replying to my messages because she was with friends and didn’t want to be living on her phone. That the translation was not at all what she said. That she did in her native tongue because it was her recording her thoughts and emotions at that moment and she didn´t want me to understand it. She just needed to send it to somebody. It wasn’t about me and that´s why she didn´t do it in English. That she was not going to push her sister away for me etc. etc.

I told her OK, all clear, and left her alone for the rest of the day. Yesterday I messaged to see how her days off were going. 10 hours later (by that time I was asleep) she said fine and asked how I was. I texted back this morning that all good……message not going through. She has blocked me.

So if you are still reading this, thanks for your patience. I care so much for her, but I don´t know what to do or how to handle this situation. I don´t want to lose her, and I know that when we are together we complement each other so well.

How can I get the trust back?

Do I try contacting her by other means or do I leave her space and let her contact me (if she wants to)?

Should I do something crazy like flying to see her so she can see that I really am here for her?

Any further advice?

Just to add that she has a complex home situation and I know there are things there that are suffocating her.
 

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Sorry to hear about your problem.

Assuming she is INTP and that we are all enough alike for my advice to be pertinent - I can certainly say the last thing you should do is show up there. I mean the very last thing.

It can be hard to understand differing types to our own sometimes but often the key is simply to understand that you don't understand. Your typing is a reflection of how one thinks, feels solves problems and interacts with the world - you ánd she have quite different tools and different preferences for their use. A solution for you is not going to be a solution for her and vice-versa.

With my disclaimer disclaimed - on to some problem solving.

Space is your friend here, which can seem counter-intuitive when trying to stablise a relationship I'm sure but speaking for myself in the hope its reflective of others of my type.. we don't react well to pressure or feeling cornered. The more leash you allow us, the more we are likely to come back to you - pull too tight and we'll become stubborn, even rebellious.

A general rule of thumb is that we do like a calm environment (not overly friendly or insincere, not full of drama and conflict) with relationships of equals - we'll usually go along with any reasonable request as long as we feel it is OUR decision and we have time to come to it.

I'd advise a brief note on whatever channel you've been using to commnicate most frequently that simply informs that you are here if she needs you and that you'll give her some space.

I can't guarantee things will work out, sadly - but I'd honestly place that as your best chance.

I'd advise giving Michael Pierce's INTP revisited video a listen - he hits some nails on the head. Some key paraphrased points;

- INTPs do not respond to sound and fury. They are unmoved, and qute conscious of being unmoved, by appeals to emotion.

The ultimate INTP guidebook in my opinion would be 'A description of the INTP Personality Type' by Paul James - it's like an owner's manual it's so accurate, at least for me. It might help you get into the right frame of mind too.

Very best of luck!
 
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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks Benjimac for the advice. I had thought space would be the thing to do, but where you INTP types analyse with logic us ENFP´s analyse with emotion and that is where my confusion was. I will check out those links to try and better understand this personality type, at the same time as crossing my fingers for her to come back
 

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And another question. If she does come back what do I do? Ignore this has happened and just start fresh? Bring it up in a non emotional way? Hey stranger, nice to have you back?
 

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Owning an INTP cat can be a challenging experience for us xNFPs. They definitely need their space and can become overwhelmed by our need to show affection, interest and overall clinginess (not necessarily the bad type). I've had an INTP cat for over 9 years now and he can get grumpy if he gets emotional and I "push" him too much. I say "push" because that's how they can perceive the Fi(Te) attachment we have with them. There were times he wouldn't speak to me, not because we fought, but only because he needed some quiet time, away from emotional stimuli. These kitties are not very great with emotions, many times they even think they don't have any at all, until you pet them too much and they get annoyed, then they nibble you and then feel sorry for it so they lick you to apologize or other times they leave and return like nothing happened, which is fine too.
Best of luck, I hope the kitty returns and chooses you. Feeding them helps a lot, too.
 

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Hi Red Panda. Could you divulge on the feeding them statement? What is their favourite food? I am assuming praising their vast intelligence and logic would be tasty for them?!?!? But perhaps in a not too obvious and sucky way?
 

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Hi Red Panda. Could you divulge on the feeding them statement? What is their favourite food? I am assuming praising their vast intelligence and logic would be tasty for them?!?!? But perhaps in a not too obvious and sucky way?
I meant actual food but intellectual one works too yes. They like to bounce their ideas and interests on others for sure and some recognition for them is good but just how much and in what way may depend on the individual. Sometimes I overdo it with analyzing his systems from a Te perspective, he feels I invalidate it as a whole when that's not what I aim for. Communication can be difficult in that way.
 

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She did compliment my cooking :) Shame she is such a bloody long way away right now :(

We did have a discussion where I went the Te route with her....impossible. Her cat jumped on her back as we were talking, and she finally said my cat would not like you because he does not like any men. I said her cat would love me as all animals do, and she said no way. So I said think about it, being an INTP how could she support that theory with no logic or experimentation to prove it. Impossible, she had already probably calculated 20,000 different hypotheses in her head and 100% her cat would not like me. She is very strange and knows how to bring out both the best and worst in me, to an extent that is quite scary. But hey, life should be fun and challenging for an ENFP.
 

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She seems to be pretty young (and immature?), from what you're saying. You also called her a girl, while you're generation X already. With the INFJ psychic powers that I have, I can tell that this won't last, even if you get her back. I'm just making fun of my own type, but I really think it's not going to last. Hopefully I'm wrong. Or maybe all you want is to enjoy the moment, and then suffer, who knows. Don't hate me.

My boyfriend is an INTP, however I don't think I can help you. I mean, we don't have big fights or drama going on in our relationship. When we do have disagreements or some sort of fight, he's still rational, and I am pretty rational too. He has a tendency to withdraw if it's too overwhelming or I became absurd (which do happens at times), but I just keep talking about things until it feels satisfying and clear. So I don't let him withdraw, not more than for a little bit, otherwise things would remain unclear and pile up. But we both want to work it out, because it's our relationship and we care about it. I'm not sure how my experience would apply to yours, if she's indeed an INTP.

Is she from Eastern Europe?

You seem to be very romantic. :)) You remind me of an online friend that I have, he's from Spain as well. Good luck.
 

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She is nordic, so they are pretty cold by nature. And i am an anglo saxon who ended up here in middle of nowhere Spain for what i thought was love (turned out to be co-dependence). And yes, i suppose i am romantic. I was brought up by a single mum who escaped my abusive father, therein my desire to make people feel good amd protected as i know what its like to feel so low and confused.
 

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Hi Red Panda. Could you divulge on the feeding them statement? What is their favourite food? I am assuming praising their vast intelligence and logic would be tasty for them?!?!? But perhaps in a not too obvious and sucky way?
I meant actual food but intellectual one works too yes. They like to bounce their ideas and interests on others for sure and some recognition for them is good but just how much and in what way may depend on the individual. Sometimes I overdo it with analyzing his systems from a Te perspective, he feels I invalidate it as a whole when that's not what I aim for. Communication can be difficult in that way.
So true, but to complicate matters further just for fun, it's my experience and I've seen it in INTP descriptions so I'm gonna assume it's common, we can't take compliments.

All attention, even positive, is uncomfortable if not handled right.

A modest compliment is fine - we like to be fairly appreciated - but anything superlative it which we feel is 'a bit much' or even worse, insincere - will have the exact opposite to the intended effect.

For a practical example, my new colleagues banded together recently and bought me a gift. A very thoughtful and perfectly chosen one and came to present it to me - all smiles and friendly.

I appreciated the gesture but honestly I hated every second of it. Not ungrateful for it, just uncomfortable with displays of emotion, including positive ones and especially in a group context - and totally unsure how to respond.

We are a massive pain in the arse, all of us. No two ways about it.
 

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And yes, I don´t say it for fear of the typical societal respones, but there is a rather important age gap. The romantic me would like it to last, and the semi realist in me would like us to at least have a shot, whilst the realist tells me to move on. But I have never been a quitter, and am always prone to following my heart to complete destruction. Why change the habit of a lifetime. Will I get hurt? More than likely yes. Will I come out the other side? It won´t be the first time and I suspect it won´t be the last.
 

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And yes, I don´t say it for fear of the typical societal respones, but there is a rather important age gap. The romantic me would like it to last, and the semi realist in me would like us to at least have a shot, whilst the realist tells me to move on. But I have never been a quitter, and am always prone to following my heart to complete destruction. Why change the habit of a lifetime. Will I get hurt? More than likely yes. Will I come out the other side? It won´t be the first time and I suspect it won´t be the last.
This way of reasoning is weird for me, and I'm always surprised to see it, especially in experienced people. I'm always looking for purpose in things, and especially when it comes to relationships, I prefer something that is tangible, possible, that will do me good, instead of hurting me. I suffered a lot because of following my feelings when I was younger, and because of feelings in general. Following my heart to complete destruction makes no sense to me anymore.
 

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I suggest looking into attachment theory also. I suspect you may be an anxious-preoccupied type and she some kind of avoidant - either dismissive or fearful.

I didn’t read the whole thing, honestly, because I can’t follow “and then she said this...and then I did that” stuff.
What I got out of it was...you smothered her a bit, there were things about her she said / did that you didn’t like (not sure how you handled that....tried to influence at all? Got offended?), and then she had an emotionally needy moment and out of mortification denied it and pulled back. All of this reeks of a relationship between opposite attachment styles (neither being secure styles).

I suggest you start to cultivate a more secure style. A secure attachment style means you evaluate if someone suits your values, and if they don’t, then you politely move on. Insecure types gloss over, idealize, and then they lash out or withdraw when reality inevitably disappoints them. A secure style means a good mix of support and independence - not smothering and not withholding.

So take some time alone to consider whether your “feelings” aren’t really fueled by fears and anxieties as opposed to knowing what you need and is good for you. Act from a secure place of love and respect (for yourself and her), and you probably won’t find her all that compelling anymore, unless she begins to return that approach. The only way you will get different results in a relationship is if you change what you do.
 

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Hello! INTP girl here.
You didn't mention what damaged the relationship at first place. From what you wrote, two points caught my eye:
1- She told you something didn't fit her values- why? What part of relationship was wrong in her eyes? You don't have to write it here. Figure it out for yourself. INTPs may not at all seem moralist in the conventional way but often have strong personal value systems. That said, if something goes against that she is unlikely to let it go.
2- Anyway, she seems immature- she has passionately engaged in romantic behavior with you; pulled away for some reason, then sent you the non-comprehensible message in her own language in the midnight, just to tell you later that it was personal and not meant to be understood by you! Weird. Then the cat thing. It seems childish. Apparently, he has some feelings for you but doesn't know how to manage it. Maybe she's afraid because you pushed her so hard, and feels that you don't respect her need for personal time and space (I'm not saying that those feelings are always reasonable, however I understand them, because as an INTP I sometimes have felt trapped while the OP just had the best of intentions).
How can I get the trust back?
Do I try contacting her by other means or do I leave her space and let her contact me (if she wants to)?
There is no guaranty. IMO, the best way is to let her alone until she contacts you. Then tell her that this behavior left you confused. Don't get emotional. Try to talk in a rational way, so that she can see what she has done. It doesn't seem that you trying to contact her is useful now.
Should I do something crazy like flying to see her so she can see that I really am here for her?
No! It scares the INTP. Never do this, specially when she clearly cuts the ways to contact her, unless you want to look like a stalker.
Good luck
 
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