Personality Cafe banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is my first post but it's so nice to find a spot where other people think like me! I am having this freak-out right now....my brain is in overdrive and I can't figure out what to do. If any of you have experience here please help me!

I'm a 30-yr old engineer. My first marriage was to an ESTJ who was violent and abusive. I was never good enough for him, and I could never meet his expectations. He hated my guts. He left and now I'm a single mom with three little kids, making the best of it. (I recently built my kids a treehouse, and of course the neighbors think I am a freak. One of the men who lives across the street asked me if I have testicles!!ha ha)

So all of the sudden this very very charming and attractive guy starts pursuing me...and naturally I don't like it. :) I feel like he is invading my space...asking for too much up front... pushing me in a direction I'm not sure I want to go in...
and at the same time I really really like him. So I must be nuts right?

So what do I do? I alternate between letting him get close and then freaking out and trying to push him away! He acts like I'm hurtful sometimes...but I'm just trying to be CAREFUL! I don't want to make a mistake...I told him I needed to THINK about this first! And he said stop overthinking and just try and see what happens... this of course sounds to me like Lunacy with a capital "L"!!

He is an ENFJ, I'm sure of it. Should I be as terrified of him as I feel?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,523 Posts
Whoa. Hold on there for a sec little missy. :p

First off, can you provide us more details on this guy? His characteristics, background, and social security? You don't have to give the latter.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Grey

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
ENFJ here who loves, loves most ISTPs. But I agree we need some details. I have only met 2 other ENFJs and one was completely off her rocker the other is not. Like with any type some are great and some not so great :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Grey

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
lol I spend very little time with other people, so my thought processes go around in my head until I open my mouth (or keyboard) and just spill everything at once. :)

He's a finance executive and he does carpentry on the side (that really detailed, fine furniture-type stuff that requires lots of patience and detail.) He is everything I am not, so I find him fascinating. He is divorced, it seems to me like his ex wife is highly self-involved and demanding. I tried to form that opinion on my own, rather than ask him to badmouth her, since I tend to be distrustful of people's explanations for their divorce anyway. He won't badmouth other people anyway, no matter how crazy they behave.

He's very accepting and I feel no condemnation or judgment from him. That's a wonderful thing.

What scares me is the expectations. I am very afraid that I am incapable of meeting other people's emotional needs. I'm very uncomfortable with that, and I seem to be unsuccessful in the past...

One thing I got from him early on is his need for verbal affirmation/affection. It's a pretty serious need and he made it known to me in plain language.. and I felt like he wanted me to fawn all over him and act desperate. So we already had that weird convo. LOL

I'm scared that he has some fantasy in his head of a perfect relationship...and I already know it doesn't exist. So as much as i like him i wonder if I should just cut line and bail.

****edited to add: I notice on the internet when I google this sort of personality match, people say it is a recipe for disaster! Do you think that's true?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
He's very accepting and I feel no condemnation or judgment from him. That's a wonderful thing.

What scares me is the expectations. I am very afraid that I am incapable of meeting other people's emotional needs. I'm very uncomfortable with that, and I seem to be unsuccessful in the past...

One thing I got from him early on is his need for verbal affirmation/affection. It's a pretty serious need and he made it known to me in plain language.. and I felt like he wanted me to fawn all over him and act desperate. So we already had that weird convo. LOL

I'm scared that he has some fantasy in his head of a perfect relationship...and I already know it doesn't exist. So as much as i like him i wonder if I should just cut line and bail.
Finding someone who is accepting and not judgemental is a rare and wonderful thing. Do you think there is some chance that despite the fact he is accepting of you, it is you who fears once he knows you better, he will reject rather than accept you? I think this is pretty common...he thinks I'm great, but will cut and run once he knows me! I know I have to talk myself off that ledge on a regular basis. The nice thing about most ENFJs is that we are incredibly loyal people and it takes A LOT to run us off once we have made a commitment to someone.

No doubt as ENFJs we have buckets of emotional needs. But he hit the nail on the head when he told you that he needs words of affection. If he is anything like me, a "thank you" and an "I appreciate you" go a looooong way. Even if you are not prone to being "sappy" picking up the phone and saying something like, "I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know how happy you make me" or leaving a sweet greeting card for him to find will go miles. I can say, that if I get something like that once a week, rather than someone dripping from me day to day...I'm still quite happy. Espcially if it comes from someone who I know has difficulty with emotion.

As for the fantasy...yeah, he probably has one...idealization is an unfortunate trait of our type. Good news it's probably not as bad as it seems. We have this romantic idea of what a relationship will be, but that fantacy often adjust to fit reality. As an example, I meet someone and things are going well, I have visions that we will have this perfect relationship, then we have a fight and make up. Then the "fantacy" adjusts becuase while I didn't dream about fighting, I think it is great that we can fight and make up...more than I counted on! We have the tendancy to see the silver lining, so even bad things can be good.

The person I have the best relationship in the world with is an ISTP...it took a little time for that realtionship to develop (mostly becuase I got resistance from her) and now we have an AMAZING friendship. She says this is the first "real" friendship she has ever had...becuase of the acceptance and loyalty she receives from me...and that feeling is mutual. My neice and brother-in-law are also ISTPs...love them!!

It is very important that you communicate what you are thinking and feeling to this guy, otherwise he will probably feel rejected. But if he is like most ENFJs he wants to make you happy and if you tell him how to do it, he is likely to comply.

Good luck!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Grey

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
****edited to add: I notice on the internet when I google this sort of personality match, people say it is a recipe for disaster! Do you think that's true?

I think maybe if both the personalities are extreme, it is possible for it to be a disaster, otherwise I personally find it a nice compliment. I should mention that I am close to the "line" on all of my preferences other than the N, so that probably helps in my relating to ISTPs.

Fact of the matter...you can analyze this to death, but there is only one way to find out if the two of you will work together :tongue:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Grey and Mandarin

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
If he is anything like me, a "thank you" and an "I appreciate you" go a looooong way.
Yes, I "got" that from him loud and clear pretty quick! That is definitely true of him, and I'm also shocked by how giving he is. (they call you types "givers" right?? It is so true..) For instance, I mentioned that I need to make some shelves for my kitchen (since I'm in the middle of remodeling it as well as several hundred other projects...ahem) --- and he made me some beautiful shelves! This was VERY early in the relationship.

As time went on, I got the feeling that he would probably do anything I asked of him, even if it was unreasonable. This is very interesting to me. I have no desire to use him but I feel like he is a walking "mark" to be taken advantage of that way...I kept thinking "why aren't you holding back a little...we haven't known each other very long" (in effect, "why aren't you more like me?" lol)

I know you say I shouldn't overanalyze, but that is exactly what he said too. And with all due respect, I feel like it is almost impossible to overanalyze anything. :) So I send him text messages occasionally that say "Ok I've been thinking some more."
and his response is always "Oh SH*T!"

I am very scared that he won't like me once he knows me well enough. So you're right about that too!

and i think it's funny that I posted this in the ISTP forum and it's the ENFJ who is talking me off my ledge. :p He has talked me out of one fit after another. I'm a little high strung....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,508 Posts
Yes, I "got" that from him loud and clear pretty quick! That is definitely true of him, and I'm also shocked by how giving he is. (they call you types "givers" right?? It is so true..) For instance, I mentioned that I need to make some shelves for my kitchen (since I'm in the middle of remodeling it as well as several hundred other projects...ahem) --- and he made me some beautiful shelves! This was VERY early in the relationship.

As time went on, I got the feeling that he would probably do anything I asked of him, even if it was unreasonable. This is very interesting to me. I have no desire to use him but I feel like he is a walking "mark" to be taken advantage of that way...I kept thinking "why aren't you holding back a little...we haven't known each other very long" (in effect, "why aren't you more like me?" lol)

I know you say I shouldn't overanalyze, but that is exactly what he said too. And with all due respect, I feel like it is almost impossible to overanalyze anything. :) So I send him text messages occasionally that say "Ok I've been thinking some more."
and his response is always "Oh SH*T!"

I am very scared that he won't like me once he knows me well enough. So you're right about that too!

and i think it's funny that I posted this in the ISTP forum and it's the ENFJ who is talking me off my ledge. :p He has talked me out of one fit after another. I'm a little high strung....

This is interesting. I feel that way too a lot. If so and so know the REAL me....then they will grow tired of it. That is a very real and understandable emotion you got goin there and it's difficult to make a decision on whether or not to let the person in.

I wish I could help you more. I'm in the same boat with you. But the advice I would give is.....if ANYONE is going to like you for you....nothing more and nothing less.....shouldn't you show them you?

Basically, If you want someone to like you for you....then be yourself. Picture yourself in a comfortable relationship.....how do you feel? How would you like to act in a comfortable relationship? Act that way. See if it works. See if the ENFJ can handle you in the raw.

You can try that. If it doesn't work, fine. Try something else.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Grey

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
Oh I get the irony of you getting advice from me :) But doesn't it stand to reason that I would be happy to help considering what you know about us ENFJ's

You are right, that in a lot of ways, we are walking "marks" and at times it can be exhausting, but it is indeed self-imposed at times. I will say this though, if this guy is like me, there are indeed limits to what we will do. Like I said, it takes a lot to run us off, but it is possible. While I don't do things with the motive to get something in return (the motive is to make someone I care about happy - because much of my happiness is derived from seeing others happy), if someone becomes selfish, demanding and unappreciative, all of the giving will come to a screeching halt. I don't make shelves, but I do cook...like gourmet cooking, from scratch...I dated a guy who never cooked and who was eating Hot Pockets before I came along actually got angry if I didn't have dinner ready for him when they came over! He once showed up at 11PM and was mad I hadn't cooked for him...mad! Needless to say, he is history and back to eating Hot Pockets.

It doesn't sound like you would be selfish or demanding so this shouldn't be a problem. We also don't like being bossed around, but ISTPs tend not to be bossy, so once again, probably not an issue. I am almost afraid to say this because I don't want to discourage you, but I would feel remiss if I didn't...I mentioned the crazy ENFJ I know. She embodies all that can be bad with an underdeveloped ENFJ. She is controlling in a manipulative way (mostly through using guilt) and always gets her way because no one wants to "upset" her. She fosters dependency because she is afraid of being alone, but then runs around like a martyr making everyone feel sorry for her and indebted to her. Instead of giving you what you actually want, you get what she thinks is "best" for you. So while I do think most ENFJs are sincerely kind, altruistic people, there is the occasional crazy. BUT there are crazies in every type, I just thought I should tell you both possible sides so you can use your judgment to make sure you are dealing with a "good guy". Which it sounds like you are.

I can relate to your history to an extent, my father was an abusive ESTJ who threw me out when I was a teenager because I never lived up to his expectations of me. I think, actually I know, I am still very cautious about getting into relationships because I never want to feel that helpless and victimized again...and of course it has left the scars that make me wonder if I will ever be good enough for anyone. So not to make everything about me ...I just want you to know, I get it. I don't know you, but I do know that there are people out there who will love you just for you and I am sure that is what you want, because that is what we ALL want. Try not to let your past prevent you from finding it. The worst possible thing that can happen if things don't work out with this guy, is that you move on. You have survived worse, right?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ryosuke93 and Grey

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
While I don't do things with the motive to get something in return (the motive is to make someone I care about happy - because much of my happiness is derived from seeing others happy), if someone becomes selfish, demanding and unappreciative, all of the giving will come to a screeching halt.
Hmmm, I sense this too. Just based on his mentions of his ex wife. He never badmouths anyone, but I felt how agitated he got when he described some of the selfishness/demanding behavior she exhibited. It appeared that he gave and gave and gave and she took took took, and then complained that he wasn't giving more. I guess this is a problem for ENFJs?

In my case he mentioned that he's never been with anyone who appreciated his carpentry. This seems to give him a real high. I'm a builder/designer/remodeler, and I think his skills are wonderful and I get very excited when he builds me something. LOL This in turn seems to make him euphoric. He can't believe I built a treehouse by myself and I can't believe he has the patience to hand carve stuff. It's a strange relationship perhaps?? :p


I can relate to your history to an extent, my father was an abusive ESTJ who threw me out when I was a teenager because I never lived up to his expectations of me. I think, actually I know, I am still very cautious about getting into relationships because I never want to feel that helpless and victimized again...and of course it has left the scars that make me wonder if I will ever be good enough for anyone.
Yes I am surrounded by these STJ types who make me feel constantly judged. I never live up to their standards and I get so depressed thinking ...I'm just not good enough for anyone. I have those identical thoughts. I know there must be STJs who are nice and non-abusive, but I don't know any.. :(

Anyway this is my first relationship with an ENFJ and I feel so totally off balance, and wonder if he's too good to be true. Thanks for your help. I've almost dumped this guy at least 4 times for no reason other than my own freaked out thought processes.... I'm trying to calm down!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Basically, If you want someone to like you for you....then be yourself. Picture yourself in a comfortable relationship.....how do you feel? How would you like to act in a comfortable relationship? Act that way. See if it works. See if the ENFJ can handle you in the raw.
This is good advice too...I'm going to spend this weekend with him and maybe I'll try it. I'll leave my shoes and coat all over the place, take naps at the wrong time, and talk to him while he's trying to sleep. Then maybe I'll dig around in his shop and lose some of his tools.

It'll be a good test. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
Keep me posted Miss! Feel free to send me a message if you ever need an ENFJs perspective. Good luck and all the best!:laughing:
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,508 Posts
This is good advice too...I'm going to spend this weekend with him and maybe I'll try it. I'll leave my shoes and coat all over the place, take naps at the wrong time, and talk to him while he's trying to sleep. Then maybe I'll dig around in his shop and lose some of his tools.

It'll be a good test. :)
There ya go. You're gettin it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ryosuke93
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top