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***I posted this on my blog but I meant to put this on a forum***

I recently discovered that I am an IXTJ, leaning towards INTJ. {In the Enneagram test, I am a Type 1 or an 5w6} So I am kind of new to this but I have been looking for answers for a while.

I am/was in love with one of my guy friends for over 10 years. He took the MBTI test and he is an ENFP. I spent months trying to logically explain why I was in love with this idiot. I became obsessed with my research. I tried to search for signs to see if he did like me or not. Long story short - Although my gut told me he didn't like me, I was tired of liking him. So I decided to confess that I had feelings for him. I don't know if that is out of character for the average INTJ, but I wanted to get a solid "yes, lets see if this works" or "no, I don't see you that way."

My ENFP friend broke my heart when he told me he did not feel the same way and wanted to remain friends. I said everything was okay and made sure not to appear hurt in front of him but I needed to run away and cry by myself. It's been 2 weeks since this happened and I feel like a different person. I am more aggressive and rude and angry than I normally am. I fight everyone and I'm sarcastic (more than the usual). I hate my friend but I play it off because I don't want him to know that I hate him for not feeling like I do. I have considered going M.I.A again, but I know he will feel worse about it because he notices when I disappear.

I simply don't know how to deal with this situation. I feel like he crushed my dreams of being with him ever yet part of me wishes I could change his mind. I am mad at myself for telling him but I needed to hear it from him directly. Now I'm unsure if this was the right decision. How do I deal with this? Should I stop interacting with him? Do I tell him that it's better if we don't talk for a while? I am honestly mad that this is consuming me because I hate wasting my time on emotions so someone help me ASAP.

Thanks guys
 

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Appreciate his honesty.

You should wait some time to heal, and keep your mind on other things. Take it day by day and focus on the present and future.

Keep in mind that there are many people out there that you might come to love; people who'll give you the love you want in return.

Edit: Opening up to someone in real life can help you a lot.
 

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He's been your friend for ten years. Would you feel better if he had lied about it ? Like you already know, feelings cannot be controlled. He can't control his own, he's right to tell you he doesn't feel like this if he doesn't. 10 years is a long time but it's enough to know what you feel about the person in front of you.

Something similar happened to me, the difference was that my love for the person was platonic and I realized it in time, but I desperately needed that person so I felt really hurt, I tried to make him react, and it appeared that he felt the same way, in a platonic way of course. But since we were apart geographically speaking, we didn't talk that often and I blamed him a lot for that, so I was doing everything I could to make him have some kind of reaction like " Okay let's just end this, there's no point in remaining friends ", 'til he backed off and we went M.I.A. for two months, I thought it was truly over til he came back. We're still best friends and it's been six years now. I found somebody else I truly love in a non platonical way, and it couldn't be better. Don't be mad at him for not feeling the same way, and if you are, then explain to him the same thing, that you can't control your feelings either and that he hurt you by saying a definite " no " instead of a " let's try ". Take distance from him if you feel like that's what you need, and maybe in a few months it will be a better context to try and work things out as friends.

But yeah, you are in love, so staying in touch with all those things inside isn't a good idea. Tell him how you feel and why, and why you're hurt and need distance right now (without making this about you only, say you understand that he doesn't feel the same), he'll understand.
 

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He has no interest with being in the relationship with you, not being friends with you.

Go on tinder and find a new one.

Ending a friendship with him is an easy way, just as being dramatic, but that's weak and not so smart. It would be, if he's like not really a friend, or just unhealthy guy. Or whatever.

But of course you will stop talking to him for a while if it's just too difficult for you to handle.
 

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1) You did the right thing speaking your mind out to him

2) Trying to keep the friendship up, unfortunately, will only hurt you more

3) You aren't "wasting time on emotions". It will make your mind develop and grow up.
 

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I really hope you feel better soon. I know how it hurts. You need time to heal yourself. Be patient with yourself, try to explore your feelings and get distracted doing things that you really enjoy. I you don't find motivation in doing nothing in particular, then try to do things that are good for you: focus on taking care of your health, your studies or work, other good people around you, helping other people, learning new things... try to focus on doing something good for you and others, even if you don't find the motivation right now, it will bring you great and new things into your life, and you'll find easier to move on. When the person we love doesn't feel the same of us, it's really hurting, but it's necessary for us to understand the truth, to move on and find true love in the right person for us.

On the other hand, about your ENFP friend... I'm and ENFP, and if I were him, I will be honest with my friend but I will try to be as caring for that person as I can. Maybe, your ENFP friend don't know if he's gonna hurt you more with being communicative to you right now, or if it's better for you to let you alone. For example, in my case as an ENFP, once I had friend who want me to be his girlfriend, but I didn't felt the same. When he knew, he instantly get distant from me, and he even treated me bad sometimes, ignoring me or making mean comments about me. I was hurt, because I cared about him, but I understood him at the same time. He was struggling with his feelings, so I tried my best to respect him, so I also distanced myself from him. I didn't do it because I didn't care about him, but because I thought it was the best for him. I thought that if he wanted me to be his friend after that, he would have asked me, because he always was quite sincere with me. But he didn't. After some months, he fell in love with someone else and now, when we casually see each other, we act distant (he is more distant than me) but he's usually quite nice to me. And it felt right to me, because I tried to respect his decision to be distant. That's what he needed, and I'm a very empathetic person, so I didn't force him to keep being my friend after I knew he wanted me to be something more. I don't know if nowadays I would have acted differently, but I hope that my experience can help you in some way.

I think you need to respect yourself now. You need to reflect about your own feelings, and try not to force you to do something you're not feeling that is right for you. If you want to keep being his friend, it's ok if you feel ok with it. But, if you feel that things are different know and that you need some or total distance from him, I think you should accept that and try to move on. That's also completely right if that's what you need, at least for now. If your friend ask you for an explanation or you want to give it you him, do it being free to be honest with him. I think he would appreciate that, specially being an ENFP. If not, it's not a problem either. We are all different, even sharing the same personalities. You're free to make your own decisions about it, and he should respect that.

As I've said before, I really hope you feel better soon. It will be better way sooner than you can imagine now.

We don't know each other, but if you wanna talk, here I am!
 

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Solution: Time + distance

Unfortunately for the idealists out there,
a rejected relationship, isn't a friendship, but a prison of torture.
Rejected love always turn into hate, and if you do not allow yourself to hate him,
you must invariably hate yourself.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks to everyone that answered my post. Its been a month since this all happened and I feel a bit better. I do feel like I hate him and I think it is best for me to be distant. Just a simple Hi and Bye whenever I see him. I don't feel like being his friend really. Hopefully things will get better soon. Thanks again to you all <3
 

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Can't say if 'confronting' someone with your amorous intent is an INTJ female thing, but I'm the say way because I prefer a direct yes or no rather than wasting time obsessing over someone without knowing whether they feel the same way.

Anyway, he didn't break your heart; it was just a rejection. And tbh, you probably built this up in your mind so much that the rejection was too jarring for you to handle. That's not his fault and you shouldn't hate him for it.

If you don't think you can be friends, then hold back on communicating so often, maybe even try to distract yourself. Ya just gotta give yourself time to lick your wounds.
 

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***I posted this on my blog but I meant to put this on a forum***

I recently discovered that I am an IXTJ, leaning towards INTJ. {In the Enneagram test, I am a Type 1 or an 5w6} So I am kind of new to this but I have been looking for answers for a while.

I am/was in love with one of my guy friends for over 10 years. He took the MBTI test and he is an ENFP. I spent months trying to logically explain why I was in love with this idiot. I became obsessed with my research. I tried to search for signs to see if he did like me or not. Long story short - Although my gut told me he didn't like me, I was tired of liking him. So I decided to confess that I had feelings for him. I don't know if that is out of character for the average INTJ, but I wanted to get a solid "yes, lets see if this works" or "no, I don't see you that way."

My ENFP friend broke my heart when he told me he did not feel the same way and wanted to remain friends. I said everything was okay and made sure not to appear hurt in front of him but I needed to run away and cry by myself. It's been 2 weeks since this happened and I feel like a different person. I am more aggressive and rude and angry than I normally am. I fight everyone and I'm sarcastic (more than the usual). I hate my friend but I play it off because I don't want him to know that I hate him for not feeling like I do. I have considered going M.I.A again, but I know he will feel worse about it because he notices when I disappear.

I simply don't know how to deal with this situation. I feel like he crushed my dreams of being with him ever yet part of me wishes I could change his mind. I am mad at myself for telling him but I needed to hear it from him directly. Now I'm unsure if this was the right decision. How do I deal with this? Should I stop interacting with him? Do I tell him that it's better if we don't talk for a while? I am honestly mad that this is consuming me because I hate wasting my time on emotions so someone help me ASAP.

Thanks guys
*OUCH*. On behalf of the entire INTJ armoured regiment, let me extend fellow condolences.

xNFPs have a way of getting under the INTJ skin, don't they?
The best advice I can give -- and I know it is bound to sound nauseating at best -- is "this too shall pass."
If you have spent a lot of time pining over him (and it sounds like you have) there may be a fair amount of time picking all the bits of shrapnel out of your ego: all the seeds of shared experience, commonality, things you hoped to think of as "us" between the two of you.
The important thing to remember, though, is that he still values you as a person -- as in, you've been somewhere in his life for 10 years: many friendships/acquaintances do not last that long. Look at it this way: if you had some other male friend, and you cruised along as buds for years, and he confessed to carrying a torch for you, would your rebuffing him, meant he didn't matter?
No, it just means you didn't think of him in *that* way.

There are two different schools of thought on how to proceed.
One is to cut him off, so you don't torment yourself with false hopes.
The other, you know, is to go on and have an awesome life anyway (not for revenge, but, just because, and it's better than being unhappy). And keep your eyes open for other men who share the characteristics that attracted you to this guy.

Best wishes!
 

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Step one: Take a long hot shower

Step two: Find your favorite bathrobe. Do your hair and makeup. Anything to make you feel sexy

Step three: Pour yourself a glass of wine. Or a glass of whiskey if it's really bad. Or you can just drink it straight from the bottle if you've hit that level of desperation. Get creative with it! (note: if you're currently abstaining from The Devil's Water, you can always substitute by pouring grape juice into a wineglass for aesthetic purposes only)

Step four: put on sad, breakup songs. I recommend "Habits" by Tove Lo or "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse

Step five: Sit on the ground and cry. Just fucking cry. Pretend you're in a music video. Lay down and roll around a bit. Sing along to the songs.


I occasionally do this just for fun, breakup or not.
 

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***I posted this on my blog but I meant to put this on a forum***

I recently discovered that I am an IXTJ, leaning towards INTJ. {In the Enneagram test, I am a Type 1 or an 5w6} So I am kind of new to this but I have been looking for answers for a while.

I am/was in love with one of my guy friends for over 10 years. He took the MBTI test and he is an ENFP. I spent months trying to logically explain why I was in love with this idiot. I became obsessed with my research. I tried to search for signs to see if he did like me or not. Long story short - Although my gut told me he didn't like me, I was tired of liking him. So I decided to confess that I had feelings for him. I don't know if that is out of character for the average INTJ, but I wanted to get a solid "yes, lets see if this works" or "no, I don't see you that way."

My ENFP friend broke my heart when he told me he did not feel the same way and wanted to remain friends. I said everything was okay and made sure not to appear hurt in front of him but I needed to run away and cry by myself. It's been 2 weeks since this happened and I feel like a different person. I am more aggressive and rude and angry than I normally am. I fight everyone and I'm sarcastic (more than the usual). I hate my friend but I play it off because I don't want him to know that I hate him for not feeling like I do. I have considered going M.I.A again, but I know he will feel worse about it because he notices when I disappear.

I simply don't know how to deal with this situation. I feel like he crushed my dreams of being with him ever yet part of me wishes I could change his mind. I am mad at myself for telling him but I needed to hear it from him directly. Now I'm unsure if this was the right decision. How do I deal with this? Should I stop interacting with him? Do I tell him that it's better if we don't talk for a while? I am honestly mad that this is consuming me because I hate wasting my time on emotions so someone help me ASAP.

Thanks guys
Hey there. *hug* I'm really sorry this happened to you. Matters of the heart are so delicate, aren't they?

In my opinion, you must stop talking to him for at least a few months in order to move on. Explain it to him, and then block him from Facebook/social media for a while, so that you are not reminded of him. I'm sure he'll understand, and you guys can be friends after this no-contact period if you wish.
 

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Also...if it makes you feel better! I think that statistically speaking, there are more ENFPs out there than INTJs. So you are bound to meet someone again with similar qualities to this man. :)
 

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@janelleaileen

I'm really sorry. Nothing sucks quite like unrequited love. I think it'd be helpful for you to have time and space from him. You can tell him that you want to stay friends but need a break if you'd like, or you can just be distant. I think he'll get it either way. If it's any consolation, I had my heart broken in a not dissimilar way a long time ago with someone I'd been friends with for many years - today, almost 10 years later, we are very good platonic friends, and I am happily married to someone I am very in love with. I remember putting on sad music in my car and crying frequently over the course of three days... and finally I reached that point of artistic melancholy that's kind of satisfying despite the despair. From there I was still heartbroken but began moving on. And eventually new love knocked, as it does. Just give yourself leeway. Your body, mind, and spirit know how to take care of you.
 

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Comfort yourself with the fact that you haven't lost anything valuable - that's what I do :)

A reality adjustment to realize that the connection wasn't that valuable to begin with - never hurts as much as actually losing something valuable.
 
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