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I went out with an ISFJ once. She was the warmest, most gentle person I've ever met. Although she wasn't very spontaneous or adventurous, she's the sweetest girl I know and I'm sure she would have done anything to make me happy. I broke up with her because I felt that there was an intellectual void between us and that she didn't understand my inner world. She cried for 2 days and didn't even show up to class the day after I broke up with her because she was so upset. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how I feel about her now and I'm considering trying to get back with her. I feel really guilty about the whole situation (because its all my fault, she probably would have married me if I hadn't broken up with her) and I'm having a really hard time grasping my feeling about this. Is this a good idea? What advice can y'all lend to me? I think this is just my Fe showing, and I do have a strong 4 wing on the enneamagram, so maybe I'm just getting overly emotional? Help me!
 

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you meanie!

meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie meanie!

Grouch!
 

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"Intellectual void" is fairly vague, friend. You're going to be asked for clarification, so I'll go ahead and just get that one out of the way now.
 

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It is going to be extremely hard or maybe perhaps impossible for a Sensor type to understand the inner world of an intuitive. The two types function on completely different levels. But if she is willing to learn, you can teach her how your intuitive mind works and close the gap. Good luck.
 

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"Intellectual void" is fairly vague, friend. You're going to be asked for clarification, so I'll go ahead and just get that one out of the way now.
She just didn't seem to have much interest in my theories about the world. Whenever I would attempt to initiate some sort of intellectual discussion, I felt like I was being held at an "arm's length." She would just say "Oh bay, your so smart, I wish I had your mind," and then contribute nothing to the discussion. I tried my damndest to be emotional and "be there" for her, and I just sort of felt a lack of reciprocation. It literally got to the point where our conversations became formulaic, and I was able to predict EXACTLY what we would say next. But for some reason, I just can't seem to get this girl out of my head, even though I've met a wonderful ENFP who I adore and feel much more compatible with. I'm not sure if she likes me or not, but I'm thinking about pursuing a relationship with her. I'm 17, btw.
 

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Try to consider who you'd be happier with. You can't have a healthy relationship if you never take time out for yourself to focus on your needs, and this is true regardless of type, but it's probably more true for INxx types.

Or maybe you're better off single? That's a thought as well.
 

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Look at 17 you don't even want to know marriage exists ok? As for your lady friend if she has other qualities to make up for her stupidity it might be worth keeping her around. If not there are plenty of fish in the sea.
I realize that, the marriage thing was more of a hyperbole than a serious statement. But how should I approach this? I texted her one night when I was drunk, and she responded the following afternoon. She seemed really skeptical of why I initiated a conversation with her and she even asked if I was high (which I was, but that's besides the point). I tried to explain my feeling towards her and asked if we could at least be friends. She asked if I "always talk in logic?", and didn't seem very receptive. I'm very confused.
 

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I went out with an ISFJ once. She was the warmest, most gentle person I've ever met. Although she wasn't very spontaneous or adventurous, she's the sweetest girl I know and I'm sure she would have done anything to make me happy. I broke up with her because I felt that there was an intellectual void between us and that she didn't understand my inner world. She cried for 2 days and didn't even show up to class the day after I broke up with her because she was so upset. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how I feel about her now and I'm considering trying to get back with her. I feel really guilty about the whole situation (because its all my fault, she probably would have married me if I hadn't broken up with her) and I'm having a really hard time grasping my feeling about this. Is this a good idea? What advice can y'all lend to me? I think this is just my Fe showing, and I do have a strong 4 wing on the enneamagram, so maybe I'm just getting overly emotional? Help me!
First off, feeling bad and guilty for breaking the heart of a sweet person makes you decent. You're not "overly emotional" - what you're experiencing simply means you are not a heartless, cold person.

Yes, it is your fault it's over. Yes, it is your fault that she felt so bad and didn't come to school. It doesn't mean that you should stay with someone forever just to never make them sad. If being in a relationship that felt insufficient to you would have led to you not being a great partner, causing problems and feeling deprived and like something better was always out there, then it's better in the long-run that you did this.

There are probably INTPs who make it work with their ISFJs and feel very satisfied, and some who do less well. There's no right or wrong answer here, you just make choices based on your best estimations. Only experience and better self-knowledge is going to tell you what you really need in a relationship and what you can compromise on or fulfill some other way. For ages I thought playfulness and weird-mind-sharing was an optional component in a relationship (my musts were more like caring, reliability) but since the break-up of my relationship I realise that it's not an optional bonus at all, it's vital because it adds to my energy and sense of hope in life. But there would be other people who would not agree with that... So yeah, these things are highly personal and it's up to you to know yourself so that you can be honest, and not just fall into something that's going to lead you to feeling resentful, or lead you to looking down on your partner.

In your post you talk about her in terms of how interested in looking after you she is, and what you prize in her seem to be her caregiving attributes. It sort of sounds like her value lies in how she exists to serve you. If that's what you want, then give it another go. But I think don't go back into it without trying to be a little more clear about what you want from time with a partner and what you have to offer them yourself. Going back to someone out of pity is the worst.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks Bengalcat, I really appreciate the advice (and the enmpathy). How would you go about being friends with her ( the ISFJ) and just being on friendly terms with her? I never intended to cut her out of my life completely, I just have poor interpersonal skills/ I might go away for school next year, so is it even a good idea to initiate a relationship with this ENFP girl?
 

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I went out with an ISFJ once. She was the warmest, most gentle person I've ever met. Although she wasn't very spontaneous or adventurous, she's the sweetest girl I know and I'm sure she would have done anything to make me happy. I broke up with her because I felt that there was an intellectual void between us and that she didn't understand my inner world. She cried for 2 days and didn't even show up to class the day after I broke up with her because she was so upset. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how I feel about her now and I'm considering trying to get back with her. I feel really guilty about the whole situation (because its all my fault, she probably would have married me if I hadn't broken up with her) and I'm having a really hard time grasping my feeling about this. Is this a good idea? What advice can y'all lend to me? I think this is just my Fe showing, and I do have a strong 4 wing on the enneamagram, so maybe I'm just getting overly emotional? Help me!
Ultimately, it's your guilt talking. You care for her, you don't want her to be upset. Understandable.
But if you found the relationship stagnant now, think of what married life would be like!
Breaking up is the right thing to do. Your young, you need to try out different people and find the right one. Staying in a relationship for the sake of the other person isn't going to make you happy long term
 

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I realize that, the marriage thing was more of a hyperbole than a serious statement. But how should I approach this? I texted her one night when I was drunk, and she responded the following afternoon. She seemed really skeptical of why I initiated a conversation with her and she even asked if I was high (which I was, but that's besides the point). I tried to explain my feeling towards her and asked if we could at least be friends. She asked if I "always talk in logic?", and didn't seem very receptive. I'm very confused.
Were you drunkly hitting her up for a booty call? Woman are confusing it just gets worse as they age so you have something to look forward to! It's good that you use logic it's a good skill to possess. Best of luck to you mate.
 

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Lol, no, the problem now its your mind, i hope that you didint love her because if you did, this girl will haunt you for the rest of your life and you will blame yourself for dumping her... but well maybe not, youre only 17 soooo, you can get another one dont you? the thing its that you doesnt know what the heck are you feeling... stop thinking about it and feeeeeeeel it... and the damage its already done, dont go back with her (in any way, not even friends) she will NEVER EVER be like she was before, you planted a seed of rejection in her mind (like inception) and will grow to hate you.
 
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I've got an idea: spend your time on something that's going to matter in a few years, like school work.

What is it with these teens on here writing novels about their romantic travails... You don't even know which way is up yet, the last thing you need is to believe you're in a deep relationship with someone because they're "nice"...
 

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I'm beggining to notice a alarming tendency in INTPs to have ISFJ girl problems in their teens. But it's probably just a coincidence we have the same problem.

First of all let's be honest here, an INTP and an ISFJ is just never meant to be. They will get along with each other at first, maybe even fall in love with each other but in the long run the personalities just diverge enormously and there is just almost no chance of ever bridging that gap, it's two completely different world which don't work well with one another. For example, you have that intelectual gap you talked about (Doesn't saying "you're so smart" and contributing nothing to the discussion get on your nerves after a while? It sure did with me). That's not to say it's not possible for it to work out, but the probability of it working out is extremely low. If you're familiar with Quantum Electrodynamics (who isn't?) the probability of an INTP-ISFJ relationship working out is similar to the probability of a ray of light leaving a lamp in Canada, bouncing off a mirror in China and ending up somewhere in Germany (maybe I'm exagerating a bit).

Secondly, don't let the guilt eat you up. Her reaction is just more indication that it wouldn't work out between you two. Crying for 2 days because your boyfriend broke up with you? TWO WHOLE DAMN DAYS?! It is extremely hard for an INTP to handle this kind of emotional reaction. I can see it in you and I've been through that before, you are completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of her emotional reaction.

Overall don't feel guilty about it. It's admirable that you broke up in time and didn't let a bad relationship devolve any longer, INTPs have a tendency to do that sometimes.
 

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I'm beggining to notice a alarming tendency in INTPs to have ISFJ girl problems in their teens. But it's probably just a coincidence we have the same problem.

First of all let's be honest here, an INTP and an ISFJ is just never meant to be. They will get along with each other at first, maybe even fall in love with each other but in the long run the personalities just diverge enormously and there is just almost no chance of ever bridging that gap, it's two completely different world which don't work well with one another. For example, you have that intelectual gap you talked about (Doesn't saying "you're so smart" and contributing nothing to the discussion get on your nerves after a while? It sure did with me). That's not to say it's not possible for it to work out, but the probability of it working out is extremely low. If you're familiar with Quantum Electrodynamics (who isn't?) the probability of an INTP-ISFJ relationship working out is similar to the probability of a ray of light leaving a lamp in Canada, bouncing off a mirror in China and ending up somewhere in Germany (maybe I'm exagerating a bit).

Secondly, don't let the guilt eat you up. Her reaction is just more indication that it wouldn't work out between you two. Crying for 2 days because your boyfriend broke up with you? TWO WHOLE DAMN DAYS?! It is extremely hard for an INTP to handle this kind of emotional reaction. I can see it in you and I've been through that before, you are completely overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of her emotional reaction.

Overall don't feel guilty about it. It's admirable that you broke up in time and didn't let a bad relationship devolve any longer, INTPs have a tendency to do that sometimes.
The INTP/ISFJ pairing is quite common. I guess each being subconsciously drawn to what they lack.
 

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The INTP/ISFJ pairing is quite common. I guess each being subconsciously drawn to what they lack.
In that case we would be more drawn to ESFJs, but ISFJs fit the quiet, nice girl stereotype that every INTP is attracted to at some point. But as much as oposites do attract there still needs to be a degree of common ground for a relationship to work out.
 

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...All I'm going to say is... if she doesn't want to be your friend after you dumped her, don't pressure her into being friends.
 
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Were you drunkly hitting her up for a booty call? Woman are confusing it just gets worse as they age so you have something to look forward to! It's good that you use logic it's a good skill to possess. Best of luck to you mate.
They are not confusing. If it was a booty call then she was smart for not responding because that's disrespectful. She made the comment about "do you always talk in logic" because she is telling him that he needs to tell her how he feels not what he thinks. She can probably tell that he is holding back from really explaining his emotions. Obviously he has some but he just thinks them unimportant and is trying to suppress them. She can probably see this.
 
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