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Hi, everyone. I'm new, but wanted to start here. My friend said I'm a 9w1. I wanted to vent and hear advice, so prepare for the unleashing. Have a traumatic history with my family. I've felt largely disowned by them growing up. Unprovoked mistreatment caused difficulties I struggle with today. It ended with an event that led me to leaving home, and relying on friends, fearing becoming a burden. Troubled relationships preceded and followed my move. Friendships and romances ended painfully, and some hopeful ones could never seem to start. This could owe to difficulty feeling close to others. I want to be in a relationship, but once things become intense I feel stuck, or suffocated, and unintentionally sabotage closeness by finding faults in someone. Feeling judged by people, something always wrong with what/how I'm doing. Any criticism is painful to hear. I'm reminded inside that I'm not good enough like how I felt at home. I feel powerless to protect myself from any perceived oncoming, inevitable crash, like family drama returning, or foreseeing the end of a comforting relationship, despite the problems leading to it. Wondering if I'm hated even by people I don't know upsets me. I don't like myself, maybe owing to family treating me like they don't like me. Guilt over being thought of as something bad, even if I haven't done anything but exist.

Lately the biggest pain has been not wanting contact with family again. Have distanced from them. Afraid of them trying to find me. Feels like being dragged back in. Bad memories. Health troubles are also stressful. Generally I feel no peace and no control.

Any advice or feedback from personal experiences or otherwise is highly appreciated. And thank you.
 

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You could be helped with psychotherapy. It would be really useful. It could be an painful process in the short term, but good for you in the long term.
 

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I hope you will feel better and that things will turn around for you, sincerely. I hope you find good help.

I can relate to what you've said. I have never had a good relationship with my family, either, though I try to turn things around a little by little. I know it's hard, but try to remind yourself that when you were a kid, if you were made to feel less-than or as though you had to grow up too fast, that's not on you. Everyone needs guidance and care as they are growing up, and no one deserves to be made to feel that they don't for whatever reason. Also, I know this may or may not be even harder, but try to empathize with those who may have made you feel that way. Or at least, sympathize. Personally I don't like the concept of forgiveness (something about it just makes me feel like I hold too much power) but for others it is a helpful concept. You don't have to forgive or even sympathize, but it might help with the healing process. The more you can see these issues in perspective, the less power they will have over you. The truth is that people only ever become abusive because they feel abused themselves, even if none of this is at all fair, I know. Maybe even figure out where they might be in the enneagram and whatnot? That's helped me understand where my family has been coming from, personally. But that's just me.

Hang in there.
 
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