My fiance, an ISFJ, came home from work last night in a very bad and depressed mood. Lately he's been stressing over money (what else, right?). He kept saying he's a failure because he's convinced that he's not able to provide for me with the money he has right now.
I kept saying that I'll worry about me, and that I think he should worry about his own money problems first before he worries about mine. I told him I'm able to take care of myself and that it's not his job to provide for me, rather it's both our jobs to help each other out as much as we can, like a team. Then I realized that telling this to an ISFJ male and expecting to get my point across is just about as productive as bashing my head against a brick wall.
Trigun64 said:
The best way to help him is to first, not cheapen his desire to provided, this will just push him further away from any attempts of cheering him up. Be supportive that he wants to help. Yes, he knows its about coming together, but he feels he is not carrying his weight.
Yeah, I totally agree with Trigun on this one. I'm pretty sure I understand your thoughts and intentions upon saying this and why you thought/hoped this might encourage him or make him feel better, but I think it only makes things worse.
I think for most ISFJ males (or at least me), it's not that the money thing is him trying to...control you or feel like he's being responsible for you. I get the impression that an INTJ female might feel that and feel like it's almost an insult to her independence, autonomy and self-support. And perhaps if he was say, an ESTJ, it might be that. But for an ISFJ, it's not like that...it's really like he's trying to serve you. It's his way of showing love. Like Trigun said, it's more that he wants to carry his own weight for you. Like Trigun also said, your response almost seemed to cheapen what he might feel is one of his best strengths.
Phillyfox said:
What would be the best way to be supportive. Supportive to me might not mean the same thing as it does to you. To me being supportive means listening and giving suggestions as to how I can solve my problems or make improvements down the road. Sometimes it even means saying "These are the facts. It's up to you what you do with them." How would you support and encourage an ISFJ?
Ha ha, your definition of support sounds very similar to the kind that I've heard ESTJ's say they tend to give...strikes me as very much of a T thing. :happy: The thing about that is...sometimes it's what I need and is very helpful. However, when I'm most troubled, especially emotionally, it doesn't really help much at all. Like Trigun (again :tongue: ) said, the listening part is really helpful, but the suggesting part is where problems start stirring. Believe me, I know that it must be endlessly frustrating, but I feel more and more like ISFJ's often just need to vent, let everything out, and have someone just be there for them to listen. That
always makes me feel so much better about a problem...just to have a shoulder to cry on.
The kind of support that best helps me is just feeling loved and appreciated. Knowing that someone loves me for exactly who I am and doesn't have a focus of changing me is so wonderful. When someone points out the things I do well, or the things that they appreciate, is awesome too. And I just like it when I can be myself around people and don't feel scared to say what I'm feeling, or do what I like. Again, like Trigun said, respecting what we like makes us feel really good too.
I know this is hard advice to follow, and I would imagine it would be for an INTJ. I've joked before that it's almost like handling an ISFJ with "kid gloves" or even babying someone. And while that's a bit extreme to say, I also think there's a hint of truth to it...if your goal is to make him feel better and cheer him up, I think that'll do it best. And if he truly is an ISFJ, don't worry, he'll return those same actions in kind once his head gets over the whole money thing. If he truly feels you love and accept him no matter where he stands financially, he's more likely to get to the point where he doesn't care about it, since he won't need to feel that it's his "job" to "earn" your love, almost.
I always find INTJ/ISFJ relationships interesting, there have been a few mentioned on PerC. My best friend is also an INTJ. They're two types that appear to have so little in common and function so differently, and yet it seems to work out so well sometimes. I think for me, what I like so much about my INTJ best friend is that I can be myself around him completely and don't have to put on an act...I just trust him so deeply that I'm not hurt or bothered by his teasing or his negativity about the world. I feel like I'm in his inner circle and that even if he finds my ways funny or weird, he's totally accepting of them and will always be there for me. And that makes our friendship really strong.
I hope this helps, and I hope he starts cheering up. You should tell him that PerC ISFJ's know exactly how he feels. :tongue: