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Runescribe made me think of a book that may be well worth it for you to read " Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. The title does not do it total justice for all that is included in her book, yet it works very well. Clarissa Pinkola Estes is an American poet, psychoanalyst and post-trauma specialist. Maybe she can help by reading her book. If you like, check out the below link.
Amazon.com: Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman…

Thank you Runescribe...somehow you trigger word associations for me!
 

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My "plan" was to initiate a platonic relationship and endure or ignore any feelings that would disturb the peace.
Sister lemme tell ya - I have been there. You see this person. They strike a chord way down deep inside you. You tell yourself "It's OK. Yes he's attractive but I can acknowledge that without falling for him. I can appreciate his attractivness but still just be his friend."

That works 999 times out of 1000. In fact every human being does this every day and we depend on it. If we were not able to compartmentalize our thoughts in this manner we would all be like a bunch of Bonobos trying to hump each other on the street. So we have this natural belief in our ability to self-regulate in this regard. It's necessary for normal human interaction.

Limerence however bypasses our normal defenses. The problem isn't that our normal self regulation lulls us into a false sense of security - it's that the security we normally fall back on to prevent bad consequences of "lust" and "infatuation"" are ineffective against limerence. They don't work because Limerence is speaking to a different part of our psyche.

Now certainly the limerent object must be sexually attractive to us - but this alone will not induce limerence. Limerence is induced by a cocktail of several qualities that it may be hard to put your finger on. It's because you aren't cognitively processing these qualities consciously - you are processing them deep down in the subconscious mind. The ancient mind.

Some people may judge you. Just wait til the day *They* happen upon somebody who matches an inner archetype. Don't beat yourself up.

This is my "new" plan in a nutshell: Tell him I think he's great and I want to be his friend, and I am sorry for letting my feelings cloud my better judgement.
This is a good way to end limerence if you are able to pull it off. Consciously acknowledging that this is not a "regular" healthy attraction and politely informing the limerent object of your quandry can serve as a kind of release.

Caution: Few people understand what limerence is. If this guy isn't the sort of person who goes in for Jungian psychology you might do better to just explain that your emotions got the better of you but that you realize the reality of the situation and have repositioned yourself mentally.

This is actually how I ended my last limerent episode. (I've had a few. I think it goes hand-in-hand with N) I chose an appropriate private moment to explain to the young lady that I had for a time developed an undue mental and emotional attachment. I explained that I needed to take a short break to clear my head but that her friendship and respect were important to me.

She was very understanding and respected my candor. I took a break and worked on some other projects for a while. When I came back around to working with her again I felt an enormous sense of relief that I was able to function just as a regular human without having these intrusive thoughts.

You can do it. Direct straightforward dialogue with people who understand - friends - and in a non-confrontational way with the limerent object can help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
Runescribe,
Thank you so much for your insights. I am prone to developing limerent feelings for people, but this one is unusual in its intensity and sense of certainty. I have observed the archetypal quality of attraction, but your comments have added much depth and clarity to the subject. This is all very interesting to me. I hadn't considered really exploring the archetypology and I will contemplate on your suggestion that this is key to dispelling the enchantment. Limerence is a semi-conscious being in its own right, and it does not want to die. I agree that true love cannot exist until it does. Now, I when I see him next, I will wonder what is really him and what is my own archetype projection. I think there is plenty of overlap, though. From what I have read on the forums, INFJs seem to idealize romantic interests more than I do. I hate being put on a pedestal because of the inevitable fall, so I try to avoid doing it to others. Nevertheless, I will be more mindful of the difference between projections/illusions and reality. By definition an illusion is hard to discern from reality, but there must be some way to discern them.

About the familial connection, I have made an interesting observation. That is a mental association between limerence and mourning for me. The sensation of grief is exactly the same as the limerent low, and they become interchangeable mentally. I think of limerence, feel grieving pain, then think of my aunt. I think she would love him. Weird, but it makes perfect sense. It is the limbic longing for another and the drive to reunite with them, and is the same whether it is between mother and child, mates, or other close relations. Limerence is a "glitch," indeed! I never considered that it is an N thing, but I can see the intuitive associations it takes to create a limerent image.

This isn't the first time I have dealt with these kind of feelings, but I feel better equipped to cope with them now than I did when I was younger. To everyone who has posted, it has been very helpful to read of your experiences, advices and moralizing. It is a lot of food for the Ti machine to grind on. My emotions are stable now, but just wait until I see him again! Haha. Thank you so much, everyone.

Dalien,
I have that book and it is one of my very favorites. But I haven't read it in a long time so I think I will crack it open and see if there is something applicable in there.
 

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Dalien,
I have that book and it is one of my very favorites. But I haven't read it in a long time so I think I will crack it open and see if there is something applicable in there.
Maybe chapter 5.
 

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Why are you looking in the INFJ section? This isn't a personality thing, this is a "man" thing.
I offer a gentle and polite disagreement Amanda. The root of limerence is a draw of an archetypal construction. Her chances of finding people who understand the influence of archetypes and of knowing what limerence is, is far greater here than in other forums. Jung the INFJ is the author of the notion of the archetype after all. And we members of his tribe are often the ones most blessed with understanding these forms. So she is in the right place.
 

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The True Nature of Limerence

I am prone to developing limerent feelings for people, but this one is unusual in its intensity and sense of certainty. I have observed the archetypal quality of attraction, but your comments have added much depth and clarity to the subject. This is all very interesting to me. I hadn't considered really exploring the archetypology and I will contemplate on your suggestion that this is key to dispelling the enchantment.
There are some modifications I would make for your strategy based on your Type, your age and your sex. Limerence may be misinterpreted as a manifestation of the Shadow (and perhaps it contains some Shadow components) but in the main it is needs-based. Here I offer a more full description based on my own research and first hand experience.

OK - So what is "Limerence"?
Limerence comes from a very primative part of the psyche and is only partially volitional since it is deeply rooted in the subconscious. It is not something everyone is familiar with and so it is easy to mistake it for a common infatuation. This is not the case. The "romantic" component of limerence is merely attributional and not elemental. The primary elemental characteristic is a misapplication of needs-based cognition focused towards a particular person (the limerent object) due to a complex and heady mixture of psychological and biological cues.

Moralizing such a problem is counterproductive in terms of solving it because it belies the nature of the core issue. The induction of limerence bypasses our normal self-regulatory behavior in regards to attachment because it is actually based more in core "childlike" needs than in "romance". The limerent object is unusual because they don't just send one or two mental cues - they emit countless cues.

Compare it to a book.
Here's an analogy. Compare limerence for a moment to a book. Most of us have the experience from time to time of seeing or meeting a person who has a certain magnetic quality we just can't quite put our finger on. If we pause for a moment and deconstruct our thoughts we often find that this person has something going on with them that reminds us of a formative figure in our life. Their face may remind us of our mother or father, we may be receiving a visual cue of genetic compatibility with them, we may be receiving an unconscious olfactory cue of genetic compatibility. They may look like the little boy you played doctor with that one time in the garage when you were in grade school. Perhaps their calves resemble the calves of your baby sitter when you were a toddler - and you would be familiar with these since you were on the floor and she was walking around you.

A single page from the Limerence book.
Taken in isolation a person with one of these qualities fits a certain pattern in your head that is compelling, but not sufficiently compelling to induce an obsession. You might be attracted to them, perhaps even romantically. But the attraction is not obsessive. Imagine this as being a single page.

A single chapter from the Limerence book.
Next imagine a person who has perhaps a half dozen of these qualities. This person will be more compelling than the person who comprises a single page. Our relationship to them is more volumetric than the person of the single page, but this volume is still not enough to induce limerence. We will regard this person as strangely magnetic - perhaps one may even become infatuated. But enough ameliorating data is still entering into our conscious cognition for us to behave rationally in relation to this person. We find them compelling but we aren't ready to dive off a cliff for them. This is a full chapter from the book of limerence.

The Codex Limerence
The limerent object does not stop at one or two of these attributes nor at a half dozen. The limerent object posesses countless such attributes. And in the case of the limerent object these attributes often map strongly to very core primitive archetypes in the subconscious such as the Mother, the Father, the Peur, or perhaps a transitional object. They form a supervenient archetype that encompasses many others without contradiction and thereby simply overwhelm our consciousness with such a great volume of needs-based cues that we are immediately drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Imagine a person in whom we find combined so many attributes akin to those of the Page or Chapter - that they embody an entire Tome of signals that communicate to us the fulfillment of dozens of needs. I suppose there may even be cases where a Library is a more apt metaphor than a Book.

The problem of limerence is that it is not presenting a realistic picture of the actual nature of the human being we are attracted to. We are not being drawn to this "person" - we are being attracted to them as a complex of signs which signify ancient abstractions associated with core needs in the subconscious. Much of our conscious interpretation of this sign-relational complex is a misattribution. The person may have "some" of those elements True within them (maybe they do really smell like family) and indeed limerence does not happen if some of the signs aren't True. Limerence can only thrive when there is some relation to reality. But in the main it is illusory. No one single person can possibly embody all these characteristics in a single whole. We "believe" it somewhat unwillingly.

For if such a person did exist they would be to us like a God who could order our every action. Indeed one of the most uncomfortable effects of limerence is the persistant dread of our continued sycophantic deeds and entreaties toward the limerant object. They are like a monarch from whom we seek praise but are often too fearful to approach without averting our eyes or bowing and scraping.

I think honestly the best way to describe it is to say it is like crack. The addict enjoys it in the moment but is filled with the dreadful awareness that they are slowly killing themself.

Why is Resolution Necessary?
Limerence must be broken not for moral reasons but for reasons of simple self-preservation and the maintenance of an accurate conscious relationship to reality. Limerence must be broken for the maintenance of one's sanity, not the sake of morality.
 

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Are you married and trying to start a relationship with another man who is also in a relationship?

Please tell me I'm wrong.
Hi Slider. This situation may not be as you perceive it to be. This lady is having a Limerent episode. It is not entirely volitional. Moralizing won't help in this case.

She's INTP and must understand rationally what is happening, why it is happening and how to stop it as a matter of cognition. Emotion and judgment during this time will only fuel the undesireable cognitive reaction she is experiencing.

I encourage everyone who looks at this thread to read up on Limerence before getting carried away by the details of her quandry. Anybody reading this thread is at some risk of Limerence whether they realize it or not.

She needs our love, care and considered understanding - not our judgment.

Thanks

~Rune
 

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You mentioned having limerent episodes in the past. So now that we've gone over the nature of limerence and some strategies for ending it I would like to address issues of prevention. Limerence is one of those experiences that is difficult to prevent but if you can stave it off it is far preferable to suffering for months or years struggling for a resolution. Key to understanding prevention is understanding how it starts.

Why Does Limerence Happen?
Limerence as I've covered previously is the result of a mental glitch. It is basically a collection of misapplications of Signs to Meanings in relationship to personal attachment. We see "evidence" in this person [the Limerent Object] of them having several attributes that are central to core needs of the psyche. Some of this evidence may map in a true relationship between the Sign (such as a subtle olfactory cue of healthful compatibility) and the Meaning being realistically accurate. Limerence requires a good deal of reality to persist. But in the main the relationship between these Signs and our perception of their Meaning is false. Their perceived congruency of the sign relational complex in limerence is illusory.

I believe that some of the reason this illusion occurs is that the intersection of the True relationships we see carries with it such complexity that there are a number of gaps. We see enough familiar things in this mesh of attributes that we are perceiving in this person that when ideation kicks into high gear (iNtuition) we start filling in the gaps with qualities the Limerent Object doesn't truly have. So while previously I talked about how there is a great volume of True attributes about this person which have come together to make them compelling. Our imagination is also taking hold (perhaps in its excitement) to map ideations we have about this person onto qualities they don't actually posess in reality. These misinterpretations are free riders. They are being carried along like driftwood in the stream of our accurate interpretations. Their progress is fueled by our glee at discovering this person who appears to fulfill so many of our needs.

Needs-Based Vulnerabilty
Limerence is a disproportionate and innacurate attachment response held by one person towards another, founded upon misinterpretation of Signs of compatibility. The misinterpretation is sparked by the perception that this person - the Limerent Object - will fill unrequited needs. The perception is split between conscious and unconscious interpretation. The greater the need in the potential admirer - the greater the vulnerability to projecting needs fulfillment onto the limerent object.

The less our core childlike needs are being fulfilled, or the less that we perceive them as being fulfilled, the more vulnerable we will be to the initiation of a limerent episode. In my analysis I make little distinction between the perception of a lack of needs fulfillment psychologically and its grounding in attempted provision because the net effect is the same. If one is in a prison cell and the door is unlocked, one is still not free until one has walked out the door.

What Are Some Needs-Based Vulnerabilities?
There are many needs we have in life. But I think limerence primarily thrives in the absense of the fulfillment of core psychological needs such as unrequited childhood desires for peace and security, or romantic satisfaction. The less secure a person is in these areas, the more vulnerable they will be in general to a limerent episode. Certain types of behavior such as attention seeking and flirting or circumstances such as continued exposure to the source of stressors like being trapped in an abusive relationship, will increase the risk of a limerent episode.

I feel I must stress at this point however that the Risk of Limerence is not a quality unto itself. The Risk of Limerence is measured as the product of Exposure, Vulnerability of the Need and the Value of the Fulfillment of the Need. The more a core need has been fulfilled or the lower its value to the core psyche - the less its relationship to the risk/vulnerability equation. However, risk and vulnerability are not enough to induce limerence. An element of propinquity is also required. While the vulnerable person may be vulnerable to several types of inappropriate relationships, a limerent episode requires Exposure to a person posessing a collection of Signs necessary to spark the process.

Not just anybody can trigger a limerent reaction in a given individual. It does require that special person. But the likelihood of encountering that person is increased by habitual risky behavior or by habit-forming ideation. There are things we can do to make us more or less vulnerable to the risk of a limerent reaction. Yet it is important to realize that because the potential limerent object represents such a large volume of Signs or Cues - most anyone could be vulnerable if Just the Right person came along.

Now this is an area where I falter. I think some of it is personal and some of it is related to temperament. I will go into that further. For now I have to leave it here because I'm running short on time for the moment.
 

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Hi Slider. This situation may not be as you perceive it to be. This lady is having a Limerent episode. It is not entirely volitional. Moralizing won't help in this case.

She's INTP and must understand rationally what is happening, why it is happening and how to stop it as a matter of cognition. Emotion and judgment during this time will only fuel the undesireable cognitive reaction she is experiencing.

I encourage everyone who looks at this thread to read up on Limerence before getting carried away by the details of her quandry. Anybody reading this thread is at some risk of Limerence whether they realize it or not.

She needs our love, care and considered understanding - not our judgment.

Thanks

~Rune

Are you a psychiatrist?

Anyway. I looked it up.

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person.

It occured to me that you must open yourself up to the possibility of limerence if you are to experience it.

This is definitely something a married person should not make themselves available or vulnerable to.

Hey, I'm certainly for love, caring, and understanding, but this is all kinds of f**ked up. When you're in a relationship, albeit, a shitty relationship, you don't try to fill the void by fantasizing or even engaging in a romantic relationship with another person. That's just a really crappy thing to do.

While you're in a relationship, don't start a new one. End the first one and move on before making another committment.

At any rate, good luck. I hope it works out and all parties involved are satisfied with the outcome.

I should probably also add: "Do what I say, not as I do."
 

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Are you a psychiatrist?
It's far worse than that I'm afraid; I'm a philosopher ;-)

Anyway. I looked it up.

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person.
Although it's a good start Wikipedia's definition does not reflect a Jungian perspective which is my main area of interest - being related as it is to both Type and cognition. I believe that the principle triggers of Limerence are the presentation of Signs which the limerent would interpret subconsciously as relating to qualities possesed by the limerent object as archetype.

This is my belief based on my own research and personal experience. Since a cognitive state is a subjective matter of qualia I can only submit it for consideration as anecdote and acknowledge that it is not provable in a formal sense.

It occured to me that you must open yourself up to the possibility of limerence if you are to experience it.

This is definitely something a married person should not make themselves available or vulnerable to.
In another post to this thread I addressed that a part of the risk equation for a limerent episode is vulnerability in certain high-value core needs of the psyche. However encountering a person who has just the right concoction of such relevant sign qualities that would spark the reaction is impossible to predict*.

It's a little bit like Medusa. You don't know exactly what her face looks like until you've seen it, but by then it's too late.

When you're in a relationship, albeit, a shitty relationship, you don't try to fill the void by fantasizing or even engaging in a romantic relationship with another person.
My advice to the lady who posted this thread is from an amoral perspective. I'm addressing cognitive states. Her moral choices are her own. But take a look at that Wikipedia description again. Notice the word "involuntary".

While you're in a relationship, don't start a new one.
This is one ideal of a proper relationship Slider, which is held in common in many Western cultures. It is not the only ideal.

My goal is to answer her request "Help talk me through this limerence" - The request is very specific and is phrased exactly the way an INTP would phrase it. She is using rational dialogue to break a limerent episode. Once it is broken she will be in a better position to make rational choices regarding her relationship. Freed from limerence she can make choices according to her values. Not according to the dictates of an obsessive psychological state.

--

*Some INFJ folks here posess "abilities".
*This is not the kind of prediction to which I refer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
Slider,
Your judgments are painful to read but I think they deserve an answer. Years ago I had a dream in which my landlady poisoned my garden. I was so angry but there was nothing I could do because she owned the land and had a right to destroy the garden. I carried a can of gasoline with the intent of revenge, but then I realized that I could not escape the consequences of my karma and all I could do was sit down and cry. I literally cried in my sleep and was awakened by by aunt. I analyzed the dream and realized that I was poisoning my own garden, though how and why I could not determine and still can't. It is easy for someone to say, "Just stop poisoning your garden." Sometimes these judgments can help me get a grip on reality, but more often than not they just make me more self-defensive.

I lost years of my life being unable to control my own mind as I suffered with what could be described as a severe affective disorder with psychotic features. I attribute it to a combination of limbic malfunction and high iNtuition. I wish I had come out of that experience with more that I could use to help other people find their way out, but at best all I can do is offer tips on managing symptoms. When I got married I saw an opportunity for the stability that I desperately needed. The fact that my intellectual and emotional needs were poorly met did not bother me very much because I suppressed and denied them. I thought that as long as my partner was basically a decent person, which he is, that it would work out. I was wrong. The illness kind of resolved on its own when my daughter came, and perhaps uncoincidentally, that is when my marriage began to fail.

At the height of my illness, even my grasp on physical reality was shaky. I had mild auditory hallucinations, and those I observed and began to learn to discern between real sounds and hallucinatory ones. But still, the only way to dispel a hallucination was to seek the source of the sound and be convinced 100% that it is not real. I was open to the possibility of a spirit world and past lives, so I was haunted by spirits and past life memories. I was intruded upon by a wounded wolf maNitou who became a significant character in my inner world, hence my avatar, in tribute. You know what I did to stop the hauntings? I adopted a metaphysical reality in which such things are not possible. I am an atheist and scientific materialist, and the things for which I have no explanations get filed in the "things that can't be explained by science" folder. My inner world is less colorful but more stable. With a dominant introverted thinking function, I need internal order, or else as you said, it is "all kinds of f^cked up." Strong emotions disrupt that order.

All of this is relevant because, thanks to the illumination from Runescribe, I can see now that I am again grappling with illusion and obsession with a different face. You are correct that I was open to the limerence in the first place, just as I was open to being possessed by a wolf spirit in need of a psychopomp. You may be correct that I shouldn't be open, but from my perspective that is an act of will like asking a hungry person not to think about food. I figured that what I do in the privacy of my imagination is my own business, though I understand your argument and recognize it from Buddhist philosophy. In hindsight it might appear foolish, but I did not recognize the Medusa until I saw her face. I don't regret it; it was inevitable. I have a lot of soul-searching to do.

When I first posted, I was emotionally wrecked. It still hurts. There was/is internal disorder that I had no idea how to contend with so I asked for help. I want to do the right thing, but it's hard when under the influence of illusions warping my reality. I thought it was about him, or him and me. I thought that because he appears to fit the profile of INFJ, that is who I should ask. So I came to the right place for the wrong reason, yet that is not a coincidence. I thought I was self-absorbed for looking inward, but that is where I ought to be looking. I am to slay the Knight in Shining Armor who has come to rescue me from my loneliness.

Again, thanks everyone.
 

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Slider I realize now that I look back on my posts that I have committed the same error in two different threads from two different directions.

In a previous post in another thread in response to comments made by Lor, I took the "moral" perspective.
I criticized him for his opinions which in retrospect I realize he was offering from the non-judgmental "amoral" perspective.

In this thread I criticized you for looking at Nitou's problem from the "moral" perspective that I had adopted in my exchange with Lor.
In this thread I was adopting the "amoral" perspective Lor had been using in the thread about INFJ men.

So in each case I was focused on analyzing a problem from a given perspective (which will entail its own vocabulary and implications) and basically criticizing another person's comments as wrong - not thinking in the moment that they were being given in a different context. This adds up to a rather stark inconsistency. It doesn't amount to hypocrisy because it was not a conscious difference, but it is a regrettable inconsistency.

So I offer you both an apology for my criticism and my gratitude for helping me to be aware of a division in the perspectives of my thinking.

Sorry - and thanks :cool:
 

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More thoughts on a different tack

This post has peaked my interest in the interplay of your Type and your Gender.
(I hope you don't mind me using you as a Guinea pig. If at any point it makes you uncomfortable just let me know and I will stop.)

I was so angry but there was nothing I could do because she owned the land and had a right to destroy the garden.
This definitely points to NT. The NT perspective often takes a tack like this to avoid what I would call discomfiting axioms. An INTP will likely not countenance a popular NF phrase like "property is theft" because their perspective on the world, while intuitive, is object-focused. The NF is subject-focused and recognizes the perspective of "property as theft" as being a needs-based "Feeling" social concern- though while we recognize its nature we may not agree with it. A further indicator of a P-oriented NT is the invocation of judgment-by-implication. Everybody has to reach a conclusion once in a while. Since *NTP sees the problem in utilitarian terms.

I literally cried in my sleep and was awakened by by aunt.
This illustrates how Emotion and Feeling are not the same thing. They are tied together but not synonymous. I am frustrated by the perspective some people have that NFs can feel emotion or emotional states such as love and that an NT or SJ are somehow not experiencing them. They are experiencing emotion and feeling. Everybody has all 4 functions. We just have them in different order.

When it comes to people - Robots have feelings too ;-)

I am to slay the Knight in Shining Armor who has come to rescue me from my loneliness.
Now this is very curious. This kind of poetic metaphor normally *is* the domain of the NF. This is a way of looking at your problem using a metaphor that depends upon understanding an archetype. And it recognizes the pain you feel at the prospect of having to give up on this particular encounter. My detached philosopher's eye recognizes it as an example of how archetypes have their root in a kind of universal subconscious cognition. In this case given utterance with language that probably emerges from a difference of gender and enculturation.

My human eye sees the sadness. And my human heart feels the sadness with you. Because just as ladies like yourself dream of Knights in Shining Armor to slay your loneliness, so many of us men wish to be Knights in Shining Armor, and so we dream of our Princess Lointaine.

Both of us are dreaming about archetypes because of dissatisfaction with the fulfillment of core needs.

Now are we unfulfilled because we haven't found Prince Charming or the Princess? Or are we unfulfilled because they stand beside us and we don't know how to tap into them?
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
I'm back. :confused:
I love pain. I drink pain. I laugh at pain. BWAHAHAHA!

So... I finally got an opportunity and dropped the truth bomb in my friend's lap. I wrote a short letter because I need straightforward communication and I wanted him to understand my motives. I wrote a letter with these points, paraphrasing: I apologized in case my behavior made him uncomfortable and that I would back off. Told him that I admire him and why. Told him that I had developed unsettling romantic feelings for him that clouded my judgement, and why. Told him that I hope we could be friends but it is up to him. Wished him well with whatever he does.

Well. I believe it did relive some unspoken tensions, at least superficially. I thought that he would either leave me alone or come straightforward to me. NOPE! Instead I got a display of his less-than-admirable qualities with a couple of "I want to talk to you... later" sans follow through. Then an apology for lack of follow-through and another "I want to talk to/call/text you." I gave my email address. Haven't heard anything yet, as expected. I am finding it almost amusing despite the confusion/frustration.

Dream interpretation, anyone?
It is the end of the day. I see Limerance ahead of me and run to catch up to him so we can walk home together. When we come to my street I turn to go home but he invites me over to his place. Limerance is wearing a pretty dress and I ask him why he is wearing a dress. He seems slightly embarrassed and says something about it was supposed to be for an event that day. I call my husband to let him know I am at a friend's house. There is a storm brewing and the streets are getting flooded and I wonder whether I should go home before it gets worse. Limerance and I are just hanging out. He touches me (non-sexually). I am messing with a cheap calculator that has the keys falling out and I am trying to fix it. There is some story narrative going on (as if watching a movie) about some guy having sexual relations with one woman and then another. Limerance is calling him a player. I jokingly said that he wasn't doing both women at the same time (ie. threesome) and he says "What?!" Then I wake up.

I must have underestimated the moral component. I know several of you have pointed it out, and I like to think I am a moral person too. I essentially offered to withdraw completely. But my conception of morality is primarily based in thinking, which is apparently a bit different than feeling-based morality. My messing with a broken calculator represents me trying to rule myself with reason in the face of overwhelming feelings. And what's up with the dress?

Well, que sera sera. I'm just rambling though my feelings again.
 

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Nitou: Your INFJ guy sounds indecisive. Sometimes it takes them a really long time to respond, I doubt he's doing it on purpose. Just be very patient. Trust me, being impatient with an INFJ is the worst thing you can do.

It sounds like your subconscious is quite moral!
 
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I essentially offered to withdraw completely.
Explaining your need to take a breather lets him understand what is going on. It is being respectful of him instead of withdrawing with no explanation. But the decision to take a breather must rest with you.

If you feel honestly deep down that you have overcome the limerence then there is no need to withdraw. The explanation serves to advise him of why you may have been acting a certain way and you can carry forward. However; if you believe you are still struggling with the limerence, turning over the decision of taking a breather to him yields to the feeling and not your own volition.

Limerence is a powerful state that sneaks up on you. But once you understand what has happened you have the ability to pull yourself free. Doing that as a matter of your own volition empowers you.

The purpose of advising him of this state that sneaked up on you is to turn the corner and move into a phase of more sober consideration. It is not to yield even more power to the ideal which has been formulated.
 
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