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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
hello PerC browsers :)

Just want a fellow ENFP's perspective on an ENFP I know - what they might be possibly thinking/feeling in this situation although I know that ultimately only he can give me the answers. Apologies for this being a long post but ENFPs like a challenge for the mind right? ;D

I, an INFJ, met this ENFP through a friend who thought we would get on like a house on fire. With friend's encouragement I dropped him a message and we got chatting in a BIG way - I looked at the timestamps and he was taking a whole hour solidly typing each time he replied (and I was sending about as much). Lots of exciting NF essays on humanity,spirituality the nature of existence, being very positive and complimentary... He tells me I am the most interesting person he's 'met' by far in a long time, that he hasn't been able to talk so openly about certain topics in a long time and appreciates that I reciprocate his intensity/openness and asks to meet me irl so it's going well...

In person, we were meant to meet the next day just us 2 but end up the night before in a group. He doesn't talk to me as much as I thought he would, but he seems scattered in general (ADD) - it's a little odd that we clicked so much over messages and he's not expressing such a rapport in person. But it's not like we aren't getting on, he's just a little 'cooler' in terms of enthusiasm. I mention it to our mutual friend's GF and she says that he's probably nervous cause I'm so pretty (pffftt, would never see that as the reason but eh I did ask for her perspective). We then impromptu end up going to this other girl's house to watch films. By this point ENFP guy is asking where he's going to stay tonight before he meets up with me tomorrow and it makes most sense for him to stay at mine so we've agreed that. Anyway so we are heading to this girl's home by car and there are 2 cars. 1 is the mutual friend's girlfriend's which would be me, our mutual friend and the gf. There is another car which is two girls he's never met before and who he admitted later were quite a different vibe to him. So logical thing to do is get in the car with the people you know right? But at the last minute he turns around and gets in the other car?! I joke to mutual friend's GF that I scared ENFP off and she and mutual friend make some comment about mutual friend being shy when they first met, drawing a comparison as if they thought we might be in a similar situation perhaps (who knows).

At her house we watch films and he doesn't speak much to anyone, on his phone. In fact he actually blocks me out of a conversation and ignores my contribution but i'm not sure if it was by accident. At this point I'm like huh, well, this is awkward, seems like he's decided he doesn't really like me, this is awkward, he's meant to be staying at mine, should I just leave... But then the girl asks ENFP where he wants to sleep in her house and he declines and says he's going back to mine so I'm like okay then...

Thankfully, we get into the taxi,things start to flow - once alone very quickly we are talking about our diet beliefs, conspiracies, all that good deep stuff. Now he's being like the person I messaged. It's early hours of the morning and we stay up at mine til 8:30am and after a few hours sleep spend the rest of the day together talking about everything:hopes and fears, philosophies ,friendships, past relationships, family, etc etc... a lot of opening up and pretty intense! A lot of laughter and smiling and agreeing or thinking what the other person said was awesome. he also said he felt really comfortable around me. Yes goddamn it I was attracted to him but I didn't say anything overly flirty or try to get closer to him physically or drop any hints in that way - there was a weird vibe going on where what he said was very affirming about things I would say but his body language was very closed, not wanting to come close, almost like he's protecting himself in some way (especially when he opened up about an ex, said he felt he was over the situation and didn't care but his body language betrayed the unhealed hurt for sure). He was behaving like someone not attracted to me but honestly it seemed like there was more to whatever the hell vibe was going on than that being the sole explanation. I have really low self esteem about my appearance (I was once suicidal about it) but objectively I don't think he could be that grossed out because he said something that I did was 'cute' and when he was still sleepy (I've noticed he gets more sentimental when sleepy) told me I have really pretty eyes. Anyway so I'm acting chill, he has to leave and he says 'this was sick are you free next week?" (for added info he had asked me if I was free earlier in the day as well and said he hoped he knew me for a really long time at another point).

I drop him a message the next day and... nothing. I ask our mutual friend after a week or two if I've been ghosted or if he's just busy (I also know because ENFP told me that he's bad at communication and he told me a story of a girl he was potentially interested that he blanked for a month once when he was on tour(?!) ). My friend said he hasn't heard from him recently either but that ENFP has said that he 'really really liked me' (i didn't ask him to elaborate) so he's sure I would hear back from him.

After 3 weeks ENFP messages back saying sorry its taken so long to reply and that it happens with everyone and he promises it's not just to me and that he'll reply to me properly that evening. He never does.

Another few weeks go by, ENFP gets into a bad situation where he needs a place to crash. Our mutual friend asked me to house him for the night and I say yes because I don't want anyone sleeping on the streets for the night. I say to our mutual friend that I've barely heard from ENFP since last time and he said haha typical of the ADDers and that ENFP said I was a 'super awesome lady' and he wanted to be good friends with me but he was just really busy.

So ENFP shows up and he says he is sorry this is the first I've properly heard from him after last time and he feels bad about it and I ask him if he's OK because of the situation that happened that night that led him to be at my door and he says no he's not and we talk through what happened and the more long term context and psychology behind why he felt the way he did about the situation etc etc... He's upset and in need of emotional support so I don't want to probe him about what happened with me and him but he brings it up himself. We were talking about him not feeling supported/ loved by certain people and he then goes on to say that ironically he thinks finds it difficult to receive love because he doesn't feel he deserves it and I give him some kind of pep talk I think and then he says that he 'hadn't had that connection with anyone before' and that he didn't know how he felt about it so that's why he reacted in the way he did and that didn't mean it was right and it was a dick move and he was sorry. I didn't ask him to clarify what he meant by this or if he knew what he was feeling now which I should have been but it was one of those situations... he said that he would never want me to be anything but myself and something about last time being intense and I laughed and said yeah I don't know what happened there either, I looked back on the situation and was like huuh? (I've never opened up anyone in general about my thoughts so fast in my life). Then we just sit and chat about life, it's not as intense, he gets sleepy and says 'thank you for being so great' and I leave him to rest. Next day when he leaves he says 'don't be a stranger' and I say well that's up to you since you're the one who wasn't speaking haha. He drops me a message when he's almost home saying thank you so so so so so much for last night and that it genuinely means the world to him and I reply to that briefly but he never replied to that and it's been a couple weeks now lol.

Tha fuck is up with this ENFP silliness... What have I triggered within him that causes him to run away? To say he wants to know me and then not communicate? I think I'm being pretty normal about things, neither stand offish nor clingy... he's said nice things to my friend and to my face about me... I would say that he really admires and respects me. There's been a few times I've said something and I get the sense that he's in awe of what I just said, like if you could have a crush on a thought or an idea... He's a guy with manners and authenticity and I don't believe he has any ill intentions.. it's just bloody confusing not to understand. Sure I think he is a beautiful human but it's not even about whether he would want to date me (lots of other hoops one would have to be able to jump through before I consider that with anyone), more than I want to understand what the hell just happened because I have never had what on Earth vibe we shared before... As a hopefully somewhat emotionally intelligent INFJ my attitude is if someone vibes with me that's awesome and I invite them into my life to see whatever it becomes in whatever form because it's a beautiful soul journey and we could both learn a lot from one another. So what has caused him to not have that outlook? (other than the simple explanation of an avoidant attachment style)

Here are some possibilities, if you could let me know how likely or unlikely they are that would be wonderful you absolute stars <3

a) he likes me as a person but isn't physically into me and senses I am into him and so is going about telling me that in the most cowardly way
b) he might have feelings that are more than friendship but he's not sure because I'm not like girls he has liked in the past
c) he might have feelings but doesn't know if he wants to act on them so it's easier to 'make the problem go away'
d) he is intimidated by how emotionally open/aware I am, not used to being 'seen' or not having somewhere to 'hide' because INFJs can usually see through someone's shit and he might be afraid of what negative things about his character I could find if I got to know him more
e)he's afraid of getting closer to people in general romantically or platonically because of his last break up which was baaaad and involved losing friends (maybe he realises he has some healing to do before we could become closer in any way and he's kinda mentally putting me on a shelf to return to)
f) he is a reptilian agent and I am of no interest to his mission

If any of you ENFPs have had a similar experience of running away from someone you liked (in whatever way) please do chip in...
 

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It seems to me he really likes you (and from how you write, I can see why :)), but there's something bugging him that prevents him from pursuing you in a consistent way. Could be that previous heartbreak, could be something going on in his life right now, could be him not being convinced of the potential of a relationship with you (despite that crazy attraction).

I had a somewhat similar situation, weirdly with an INFJ, with all of the above 3 factors influencing my decision. :) We were part of a group that was meeting monthly for almost a year. I felt the pull the moment I met him, even before he opened his mouth, I was sucked in by his very presence. And once he opened his mouth, the attraction grew even more. Many of his opinions and ideas were as if hijacked from my mind. I suspected him of being like me (ENFP), but he wasn't really. I was confused and enchanted at the same time. Once he sort of asked me out and I was so impressed by the energy between us when it was just the two of us. Everything was multiplied on every imaginable level. How could it be more than it already was? At some point he gently touched my hand and I jumped in my seat, hiding my hand under the table. My body language must have been very confusing. I was just too electrified, my Fi couldn't catch up. It was absolutely clear to me we could have stayed in those chairs forever, talking about everything and just being in each other's presence. And there could have been so much more.

Eventually hours later in that singular event both of us stopped. We recognised the potential, but we knew we were looking for different things in the short-term. Now, the younger me wouldn't have missed out on an amazing experience like that, even if it was just for a short while, but the me at that point had very clear priorities. I withdrew for a while to process my feelings about him. I realized the problem wasn't only that we wanted different things in the short-term, but there were 1-2 red flags for the long-run as well. We are generally very understanding and accepting, but red flags can be a big deal for ENFPs if they are potentially violating our values. I was so tempted to give it a chance nevertheless, but I decided to keep my distance instead. When temptation is so great, you just can't be close to that person. Or if you are, it could become an on-and-off thing that gets too sticky to get out of, but also doesn't really lead anywhere.

However, if you feel it's worth it, I'd talk about it with him. It's better to get clarity from the only person who can give it to you. Makes moving on easier. Or it could remove what's standing between you and this could become a one-in-a-lifetime experience for both of you. :)
 

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I can't explain what's going on with him because I can't relate to it (and the above post does a nice job of clarifying), but this is a situation where the why maybe matters less in the long run than the what.

People do not often change, and if they do, it's because THEY want to bad enough to abandon their bad habits.

If he is being hot / cold with you now, and not speaking to you for weeks at a time even if he seems to like you, and that bothers you: it's not gonna change. It will STILL bother you if you wind up being friends / significant others with him, because as he and others pointed out to you from the start -- this is his usual behavior pattern, which means it's become a habit to neglect people and he WILL keep doing it until such time as it becomes painful for him and has serious repercussions.

You sound like a lovely person who deserves someone who can't wait to talk to you on a daily basis. :)
 

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Yeah, I think he likes you, but he's got some issues to deal with. I understand forgetting, but to not respond to someone you like for that long is problematic. At the very least, he's not ready for a relationship.

I know that ENFPs and ESFPs are different, but I had a really close friendship with an ESFP that behaved similarly to how this guy did with you (except our friendship was platonic). He had a lot of issues, and I think he felt like I was too good for him. Also, I'm 99% sure he started to develop feelings for me, but he knew he could never have me since I was straight, engaged, and going to get married soon. He didn't want to cause problems for me in my relationship, and didn't know what to do, so he panicked and ghosted me. I know it tore him up to do it, and it tore me up too. But he couldn't handle how much it hurt, and it only made him more aware of his problems, so he distanced himself from me. He never said a cross word to me or acted like a jerk to me. He just stopped having time to hang out, and stopped answering my texts.

I think that if you can talk to him about how his behavior bothers you, and be open and direct about your feelings, either he'll change/try to change, or he'll stay the exact same, and possibly even become more distant.

But that way, you'll know if it's going to go anywhere. I never got to talk to my ESFP friend about this because we always didn't have long to hang out, so there was never enough time for such a conversation (but if you can get enough time to speak with him 1 on 1 in person about it, maybe it'll help).

That's just my 2¢ anyway. I hope that helps.
 

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I think you nailed it with d and e. He's hurting, this guy. He needs to get through a lot of his issues and learn to be okay with himself before he would feel comfortable having someone as awesome as you in his life. He doesn't like himself at all, sweetheart (and please know I'm not saying that patronizingly--- I know you will feel compassion for him and it would be hard to not be right with you each step with how you wrote it-- I was with you). But he can't have pity from someone he respects as much as you and wouldn't want to be a burden to you-- that's how he feels about himself right now. He can't forgive himself and he's probably got himself so involved with so many things that he also can't get away from feeling like he's doing nothing right. The memory of your time together will stick with him as something amazing. Hopefully he will work through what he needs--- it might take years. He needs self-love. When I think of all the people I burned while I couldn't forgive myself.... and it was for nothing. I did nothing wrong or rude, just over-worked myself and over-prescribed myself and thought I could be everywhere and fix everything and then couldn't and couldn't forgive myself and felt too emotional... etc. etc. f was funny! loved it! =)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you for the kind words <3 As I said it's more about taking a guess at understanding before I get a chance to ask :) And I know it's not his behaviour pattern with all people, not his closest friends anyway. I do believe he sometimes slips up sometimes but I also know that he was saying that to avoid confrontation and he gave something of an explanation why he backed away in person last time I saw him. I think if I understood the situation and the kind of interaction he wanted in terms of friendship I'd be okay with it, I have a friend who comes and goes but when we do get together we have a wonderful time :)
 

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I think you nailed it with d and e. He's hurting, this guy. He needs to get through a lot of his issues and learn to be okay with himself before he would feel comfortable having someone as awesome as you in his life. He doesn't like himself at all, sweetheart (and please know I'm not saying that patronizingly--- I know you will feel compassion for him and it would be hard to not be right with you each step with how you wrote it-- I was with you). But he can't have pity from someone he respects as much as you and wouldn't want to be a burden to you-- that's how he feels about himself right now. He can't forgive himself and he's probably got himself so involved with so many things that he also can't get away from feeling like he's doing nothing right. The memory of your time together will stick with him as something amazing. Hopefully he will work through what he needs--- it might take years. He needs self-love. When I think of all the people I burned while I couldn't forgive myself.... and it was for nothing. I did nothing wrong or rude, just over-worked myself and over-prescribed myself and thought I could be everywhere and fix everything and then couldn't and couldn't forgive myself and felt too emotional... etc. etc. f was funny! loved it! =)

Thank you soo much, this made me feel much better :) I think we tend to think the worst of ourselves in an ambiguous situation but looking at it rationally I think if someone brought up my name in conversation he would be thinking/saying nice things about me and even if the situation is not the best if I did some good and helped someone to grow along their path I'm really glad about that :)
 

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I reckon you already intuit what is going on, but I'll help reassure what you probably already know.

He's been hurt before- he's got some form of emotional baggage where he connected with someone and got hurt, and your connection might remind him of that. He probably knows that if you guys get closer that your interaction is inevitably going to have romantic connotations to it, even if you decide to be friends and set boundaries it's just the type of connection that you guys have. He values not getting hurt over his connection with you, as messed up as that may sound. He talks more freely with you when you guys are more distant because it feels safer, then when you get close it's like "well our connection is so strong that I'm inevitably going to end up in an escalating situation with this person, so the fact I have that intuition means even small interactions between us feel like a big commitment". It's like a similar motivation as someone not doing "a little bit of heroin" once a week- is doing a little bit once a week going to harm? No- but are you going to be able to ONLY do a little bit of heroin over the long term? No- it'll escalate and you'll become an addict. Weird analogy, I know, but hopefully you follow what I mean.

I mean, there for sure might be some kind of internal struggle for him, but honestly his behaviour suggests his motivation for not getting hurt is pretty strong, and I might be wrong but in my experience I've never seen successful relationships start with anyone in that frame of mind.
 

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I'm not a male, or an ENFP, but I've learned over the years that guys mean exactly what they say. He said that he wants to be "good friends," with you. So I would leave it at that, FOR NOW. ENFPs are extremely charming, and they flirt with everyone. At least that's what I've realized. He might have an attraction to you in a romantic way, but I agree with the other posts that he has some issues that he needs to sort out. That or he's not completely open with you in what he wants out of the situation. I would ask him. I know that's a hard thing to do as an INFJ, at least it would be for me, but it seems like that might be your only option at this point because of his actions. Don't get down on yourself. You seem like an amazing being. One that I'd probably be really close to. I hope this doesn't come off as harsh. Then again, I'm not speaking from the standpoint of a male ENFP, I'm the same as you. Best of luck, beautiful soul. <3
 

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ENFPs tend to shelve things and return to them later. Chore that needs to be done? Shelve it for when they've got the emotional energy to do it (yes, chores can be very emotionally draining for an ENFP). Interesting conversation that they aren't quite done with but aren't in a mental state to continue with? Shelve it.

This is because at that moment they can't (or in the case of chores, don't want to) give the subject the attention it/they need and deserve. In some cases this turns into indefinite procrastination (which is a sign of immaturity in most cases, although even some mature ENFPs still struggle with it).

Something I've noticed about myself (not sure if this applies to other ENFPs) is that I tend to form and favor friendships that can stand the strain of long silences. Not talk to my best friend for 3 months? No biggie. I'm not sure if other ENFPs are this way.

This guy disappears because he either simply dislikes the burden of maintaining communications, or he's naturally a hardcore long silencer (who apparently disregards the fact that other people do not communicate in this way and refuses to correct himself to something a bit more socially considerate).

This brings about an important point: If it is the first possibility, then it is of note that an ENFP often finds communication most burdensome when struggling with depression. Reaching out to people or maintaining communications becomes exhausting, and it's very easy to just go quiet. Given that he's already got some bad things going on in his life, watch for other depression symptoms.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I'm not a male, or an ENFP, but I've learned over the years that guys mean exactly what they say. He said that he wants to be "good friends," with you. So I would leave it at that, FOR NOW. ENFPs are extremely charming, and they flirt with everyone. . <3
That would be a good estimation to make except that
a) he told that to my friend, who he also said he simply didn't reply to me because he was busy. ENFP then admitted to me that there was a reason other than the busyness that he hasn't replied, involving him not knowing how he felt. So he was white lie-ing to my friend so I don't think that comment holds as much value :L
b) He wasn't flirting with me. Flirting was not the vibe. It more a vibe of something deep under the surface, not saying romantic but perhaps me bringing some kind of inner questioning or transformation or inspiration. it didn't really fit the box for either flirting or romance or normal platonic. It was some fuckery from another planet :L

Thank you for your kind words <3
 

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That would be a good estimation to make except that
a) he told that to my friend, who he also said he simply didn't reply to me because he was busy. ENFP then admitted to me that there was a reason other than the busyness that he hasn't replied, involving him not knowing how he felt. So he was white lie-ing to my friend so I don't think that comment holds as much value :L
b) He wasn't flirting with me. Flirting was not the vibe. It more a vibe of something deep under the surface, not saying romantic but perhaps me bringing some kind of inner questioning or transformation or inspiration. it didn't really fit the box for either flirting or romance or normal platonic. It was some fuckery from another planet :L

Thank you for your kind words <3

 
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