[Slkmcphee]

Okay, both my husband and my daughter are ISFPs. I have a high regard for y'all. But I have no idea, sometimes, how to work with my little girl.

She's in 3rd grade - sometimes she acts like a teenager (back-talking, loves fashion & music, shuts herself in her room, keeps an art journal, has already developed an interest in kissing boys, which freaks her father out, has begged without success for a cell phone, considers school important only for social opportunities) and sometimes she clearly wants to be babied and has admitted as much (wants to be held, fussed over, seems insecure, will play with toys and games that seem "young" for her). She has a lot of feelings.

I am an ENTJ. Since we are opposites, I sort of have this secret fear that our relationship will never be what she needs it to be. I grew up without my mother, so I really don't have a good role model for motherhood. I'm of the opinion that if I can genuinely help her to grow into an independent, successful person without emotionally damaging her (meaning she will want to come visit me when I am old), I will have accomplished my goal.

With my boys, the relationship is so natural. With my daughter I always feel like I am explaining too much, warning too much, directing too much...but at the same time, I don't think I am doing enough of something. I try to be available for her to talk to, but when I ask her questions she seems to feel interrogated. I especially want to be there for her as she makes friends, but I don't know what to do or say when "Ally said I couldn't come in her house because she was only allowed two friends and she chose Bailey and Angel," except to let her play the video game she requested as an alternative.

SO - Did any of you have a parent like me? Did they kill or mutilate your spirit? Where did they screw up? What sorts of things do you wish they had done for you? I ask my ISFP husband about all of this (they are two peas in a pod) but on a lot of the stuff he says that "girls are different than boys." Still, he "gets" something about her that I don't. What is it?

 

[Neon Knight]

Okay, both my husband and my daughter are ISFPs. I have a high regard for y'all. But I have no idea, sometimes, how to work with my little girl.

She's in 3rd grade - sometimes she acts like a teenager (back-talking, loves fashion & music, shuts herself in her room, keeps an art journal, has already developed an interest in kissing boys, which freaks her father out, has begged without success for a cell phone, considers school important only for social opportunities) and sometimes she clearly wants to be babied and has admitted as much (wants to be held, fussed over, seems insecure, will play with toys and games that seem "young" for her). She has a lot of feelings.

I am an ENTJ. Since we are opposites, I sort of have this secret fear that our relationship will never be what she needs it to be. I grew up without my mother, so I really don't have a good role model for motherhood. I'm of the opinion that if I can genuinely help her to grow into an independent, successful person without emotionally damaging her (meaning she will want to come visit me when I am old), I will have accomplished my goal.

With my boys, the relationship is so natural. With my daughter I always feel like I am explaining too much, warning too much, directing too much...but at the same time, I don't think I am doing enough of something. I try to be available for her to talk to, but when I ask her questions she seems to feel interrogated. I especially want to be there for her as she makes friends, but I don't know what to do or say when "Ally said I couldn't come in her house because she was only allowed two friends and she chose Bailey and Angel," except to let her play the video game she requested as an alternative.

SO - Did any of you have a parent like me? Did they kill or mutilate your spirit? Where did they screw up? What sorts of things do you wish they had done for you? I ask my ISFP husband about all of this (they are two peas in a pod) but on a lot of the stuff he says that "girls are different than boys." Still, he "gets" something about her that I don't. What is it?

I'll try to take a shot at this being an ISFP myself who had pretty much the same background as your daughter has. I myself was fond of back rubs no matter how big I was lol. Though it wasn't my mother that killed my spirit it was my bullies, authoritative teachers and father. I'd say don't coddle too much because when she gets out in the world reality can slap her in the face quite hard in many ways. Don't worry about her interest in boys I was at the same age as her when I got the interest in kissing them but I only started in grade 6 (I skipped a grade so I was with girls and guys a year older than me). I don't see it as a big deal, my teachers may have and I wish I could have had the type of relationship where I felt I could tell my mother about such things, but I still can't to this day. There's lots of things I feel I can't so I can also say to try and make her feel she can tell you or ask you anything. Let her go out with her friends when she's older and don't prevent her from feeling like she can't bring anyone home including boyfriends, otherwise she could just learn that she has to do these things covertly. I should know lol. Don't compare her to her brothers or treat her any differently and don't assume she will be anything like them either. Let her have her interests, age is just a number and gender is just functional. It's ok for her to be into things that "may seem younger" for her, if that's true she'll likely grow out of it especially if her peers are criticising those interests (not necessarily to her directly). As long as she's doing well in school you don't have to worry about why she's liking school, I was able to balance both, even when I was obsessed with boys. Maybe she is one of those too, I don't know.

I don't think it's necessary to have had a blood maternal model because it seems like people just learn on their own whether they have had their mothers in their lives or not. If you want her to grow up independent you're going to have to let her make mistakes and learn from them because if she doesn't under your wing, she will away from it where she will feel like she's all alone in the world and that that world is a scary place with scary people everywhere. Be honest about everything. There's a way to do this without being hurtful or intrusive but you're gonna have to figure out that for yourself since I think it's different for everyone. Let her have privacy, don't read diaries unless you think there's something really seriously wrong like she seems suicidal, but I would recommend you get professional help first, since she might realize or feel she has no privacy and that's not a good feeling. Encourage her creativity too, I was encouraged to a point and I wish it had been a lot more, maybe I could have made something of myself f I had. That goes for any of her real interests. If she says she wants to be an astronaut, don't discourage her, if she wants to be a musician or artist, don't discourage her. Despite everything I feel I missed out on, I don't blame my mother she thought she was doing the right thing most of the time and I still see her just about every week. That's about all I can think of right now. If you have more questions of a personal nature feel free to PM me. :happy:

 

[Indigo Aria]

With my boys, the relationship is so natural. With my daughter I always feel like I am explaining too much, warning too much, directing too much...but at the same time, I don't think I am doing enough of something. I try to be available for her to talk to, but when I ask her questions she seems to feel interrogated. I especially want to be there for her as she makes friends, but I don't know what to do or say when "Ally said I couldn't come in her house because she was only allowed two friends and she chose Bailey and Angel," except to let her play the video game she requested as an alternative.

ISFP's...or at least me...don't like to be asked "generic" sounding questions, if you know what I mean. Like, you can't just say to me "what's wrong?" or "how was your day?". I will usually give the shortest most direct answer possible. That might just be me though, because I've learned not to answer those questions honestly...here's why. I think that's because no one around me understands MBTI and that makes being an Fi dom really awkward. and I think Fi on the level that we (ISFP's) experience it would make it awkward even for a little girl. I was raised by an ISTJ and a very ignorant INFJ, and any time I had problems that involved my Fi, they didn't understand how that could possibly be a problem and just kind of laughed it off. As a child I always had problems with acceptance, and the emotional pain that caused was unbearable, but no one really understood that or accepted it as a real problem...since i wasn't actually being beat up or something like that. It has affected who I am today to a fairly strong degree, and is one of the reasons I label myself a misanthrope. I don't like people, and don't trust them because of it.

Bottom line is...just make sure you seriously consider all the things that your daughter considers an issue.

As far as what to tell your daughter, in this particular situation, I wouldn't know. If it were me hearing that, I'd guess that the best thing to tell me would be maybe... "It wasn't Ally's fault that she couldn't let you come over. just imagine if you had to choose between two of your friends. maybe one day you can invite everyone over her" or something like that. ISFP's are great with empathizing.

SO - Did any of you have a parent like me? Did they kill or mutilate your spirit? Where did they screw up? What sorts of things do you wish they had done for you? I ask my ISFP husband about all of this (they are two peas in a pod) but on a lot of the stuff he says that "girls are different than boys." Still, he "gets" something about her that I don't. What is it?

Girls aren't different from boys in their thought patterns...only societal expectations and perceptions of them. tell your husband to cough it up.

 

[Indigo Aria]

And Revy2Hand had a pretty damn good post ^^^

 

[Neon Knight]

Thanks guys :blushed: This is kind of a close personal thing for me so I figured I'd give it a shot at least from inside the mind of a female ISFP. LuckyOne at least understands MBTI in depth, all I have is a crappy experience lol :tongue:

 

[RyRyMini]

I think you're doing a good job - ENTJs & ISFPs can either clash or learn much from each other. I think the best you can do is simply offer understanding when she has problems like not being invited to her friends, but only offer understanding if you truly understand how she feels (maybe if something similar happened to you before), otherwise she'll likely be able to see the ingenuity and probably resent it. The last question you ask is really tough. Maybe you could spend some time trying to figure out what her core values are to see if you can find some common ground there. I don't think you have to worry too much about being a perfect parental figure - from what you've said I think you've already picked up a lot from her that my parents were unable to do with me until much later.

For me, my parents (well, one in particular) screwed up by minimizing my problems because he couldn't handle them himself. This still happens to me so I've learned to only tell him so much of what I'm thinking because I don't believe much positive can come from it. This has definitely strained our relationship in the sense that we rarely have stimulating conversation these days. Another thing that I didn't appreciate is how I was sort of pushed (whether it was conscious on my parents' part or not) into a certain role. I started doing things because I thought I was supposed to and not because I actually wanted to. This included getting my hair cut a certain way, eating certain foods, playing sports, etc. Once I became old enough to use some Fi-Ni, I completely went against everything they had told me to do, almost to spite them. I eventually realized that wasn't how I wanted to be either, so I'm currently at a happy medium in the sense that I am who I am regardless of how others want or don't want me to be. I wish they would have encouraged a bit more freedom because it's of paramount importance to me.

 

[Neon Knight]

Another thing that I didn't appreciate is how I was sort of pushed (whether it was conscious on my parents' part or not) into a certain role. I started doing things because I thought I was supposed to and not because I actually wanted to. This included getting my hair cut a certain way, eating certain foods, playing sports, etc. Once I became old enough to use some Fi-Ni, I completely went against everything they had told me to do, almost to spite them. I eventually realized that wasn't how I wanted to be either, so I'm currently at a happy medium in the sense that I am who I am regardless of how others want or don't want me to be. I wish they would have encouraged a bit more freedom because it's of paramount importance to me.

I was pushed to be the opposite of what I am and had lots of bad things happen and did everything they didn't want, not because I was being spiteful though. I feel like I exploded when I got out of home and that's why I did what I did. Parts of me are still exploding now I think, as I figure out who I really am this late in life. I agree, freedom and nurturing her interests are very important. I couldn't even close my bedroom door and wasn't allowed to hang with people that were older and wore make-up when I was 15-16. I eventually ended up hanging with the worst possible people when I left home and was taken advantage of repeatedly and lots of really bad things happened. I'm just mentioning this because I think it's an important warning as to the possibility not to scare you.

 

[Slkmcphee]

I was pushed to be the opposite of what I am and had lots of bad things happen and did everything they didn't want, not because I was being spiteful though. I feel like I exploded when I got out of home and that's why I did what I did. Parts of me are still exploding now I think, as I figure out who I really am this late in life. I agree, freedom and nurturing her interests are very important. I couldn't even close my bedroom door and wasn't allowed to hang with people that were older and wore make-up when I was 15-16. I eventually ended up hanging with the worst possible people when I left home and was taken advantage of repeatedly and lots of really bad things happened. I'm just mentioning this because I think it's an important warning as to the possibility not to scare you.

You know, I just had another issue with the drama between her and her friends today. She came to me saying that a girl told her she had to give her some of her Barbie toys or else she wouldn't be allowed on her trampoline. Finally she came to me in tears over the girls teasing her and being verbally cruel. I had to speak to the girls' mother (never fun) and eventually the mothers had to sort it all out. The one girl was demanding toys and clothes from my girl and threatening to steal her bike -- at 8 years old!!!!

I am really worried about her being taken advantage of...if it was my boys, I would say (right or wrong) lay the sucker on his back once and be done with it. But solving problems between girls is so much more difficult because the abuse is emotional. I never really fell into that sort of thing, being an ENTJ. I just went and played with the boys. To this day I don't have a lot of female friends because I never could deal effectively with the cliques and drama. So this is one area I worry that I am failing her. She begged me not to go talk to the mothers, but it was the only way I could see to make the girls aware that my daughter wouldn't be bullied. Now I am worried that they will tease her at school. She is literally in the 0% for her height and 2% for her weight...she is like a little sprite. I worry that this will persist because of her size and emotions.

She has such a tender heart and I don't know how to help her. Did any ISFPs have issues when they were kids when it came to bullying?

 

[Indigo Aria]

You know, I just had another issue with the drama between her and her friends today. She came to me saying that a girl told her she had to give her some of her Barbie toys or else she wouldn't be allowed on her trampoline. Finally she came to me in tears over the girls teasing her and being verbally cruel. I had to speak to the girls' mother (never fun) and eventually the mothers had to sort it all out. The one girl was demanding toys and clothes from my girl and threatening to steal her bike -- at 8 years old!!!!

I am really worried about her being taken advantage of...if it was my boys, I would say (right or wrong) lay the sucker on his back once and be done with it. But solving problems between girls is so much more difficult because the abuse is emotional. I never really fell into that sort of thing, being an ENTJ. I just went and played with the boys. To this day I don't have a lot of female friends because I never could deal effectively with the cliques and drama. So this is one area I worry that I am failing her. She begged me not to go talk to the mothers, but it was the only way I could see to make the girls aware that my daughter wouldn't be bullied. Now I am worried that they will tease her at school. She is literally in the 0% for her height and 2% for her weight...she is like a little sprite. I worry that this will persist because of her size and emotions.

She has such a tender heart and I don't know how to help her. Did any ISFPs have issues when they were kids when it came to bullying?

PM sent...

 

[Neon Knight]

PM sent as well.

 

[NekoNinja]

I think just the fact that you care about your relationship now and in the future is plenty enough for your relationship to last. My parents had (or maybe i should say have) way too many other problems to deal with to have been worried about their relationship with me... Just try to keep an understanding between the two of you so that you both see where the other is coming from and i believe that you will be fine. And dont worry too much about her being childish. I remember when I was around that age I did a tea party thing with my younger sister (although I'm not sure if this counts as childish or more so as girly... not too sure about exactly how old i was at the time either but you get the point i suppose).... plus im in college now and I still sleep with a blanket....

As for bullies... I cant ever remember having much of a problem with that. But that maybe because when I was that young I had two really best friends who lived next door to me. I never bothered with making much of any other friends. I suppose I was lucky back then. By the time I lost them (they moved) I was old enough to be able to find the right group of friends to hang out with.... so sorry that I cant really help you there.