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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My friend is a type 9 and I just found out that she's struggling with anorexia. Until now I actually thought she was a very healthy 9, she got a scholarship and then also raised 2000$ for cancer on her own.
She's probably going to be hospitalized soon but I know that when she gets out of the hospital, she'll still be in pretty bad condition. Right now our group of friends is visiting her everyday but the problem is that we don't know how to act around her or how to comfort her because she never talks about herself.

So from a 9 point of view what would make you feel better in such a situation and what should we not do at all. Are there any fears or problems you suspect she might be having in such a stressful situation (something that might be fueling her fear of eating)?

Another thing is that I don't think she know's we were told about her anorexia, the information given to our class was that she was having heart problems.
 

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MOTM Nov 2012
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On the topic of anorexic I can't talk. I would not be surprised if she was Sp dom though.

Regarding her 9ness: Make it about her, let her talk, give no pressure to respond in any specific way and no judgement either. And make it clear to her that you care, the fact you're asking these questions shows you do.

One of the main reason 9s don't talk about themselves is because we don't see our pov mattering, if you can show that it does then maybe she will. Do people interrupt her? Answer for her? Presume things are a certain way without her saying so? Swing the conversation back to themselves and their needs if she doesn't talk up? All of those things would reinforce a 9s desire to stfu and they do not have to be overt to have that impact if the 9 is in a bad place.

There are plenty of times I will try to talk, all it takes is someone interrupting me or presuming something incorrect without asking and I'll withdraw inward with the belief that they don't want to hear about me or my pov, it would just bother them, and it doesn't matter anyway, acedia is always there so it's easier to just let them talk about whatever matters to them.

Loss of Holy Love: "Love is not real"

The source of emptiness and disillusionment, hidden very deep within the psyche, is the loss of Holy Love. At some point in childhood, 9's developed the belief that love is conditional. If they do things others like, they will receive love and approval. Love, then, is simply the consequence of surface behaviors or characteristics deemed worthy or acceptable by others.
9s typically treat people the way we would like to be treated, we don't judge, we don't pressure, we accept you however you come. She may not want to talk, and that is okay so long as the message received is that it's okay for her to do so.
 

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Thank you for the advice, it is true that since we're a fairly large group, the conversation gets hectic and she ends up just watching us.
She may enjoy having the big group there and watching everyone.

Make sure she does not feel at all pressured. She probably has a lot of people, doctors, parents, probing her for information etc. which could be making her clam up even more.

I think 9s find it easiest to talk about themselves when they feel no pressure to talk about themselves.

I had a 9 friend try to commit suicide earlier in the year. When I spend time with her I just... I don't know how to explain. I never asked her specifically about anything, maybe that is just 9 me, I talk a bit about myself, and we do things, just normal things, shopping, playing games, people watching, together. Sometimes she opens up a bit, tells me about trips to her psychologist, and when she does I am careful to listen and ask questions.

I can't say I am an expert at eating disorders, but I do know that often it is about control. The person feels they have no control over their lives, and what they eat feels like one thing they do have control over. This can make recover difficult because they feel like they are losing control over the one thing they had control of. I think usually there is a more deep-rooted issue going on, which the person has to deal with to really recover.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I can't say I am an expert at eating disorders, but I do know that often it is about control. The person feels they have no control over their lives, and what they eat feels like one thing they do have control over. This can make recover difficult because they feel like they are losing control over the one thing they had control of. I think usually there is a more deep-rooted issue going on, which the person has to deal with to really recover.
Yes, My first conclusion would have been that she doesn't feel accepted or appreciated but now that you mention control, I think it might actually be an existential crisis she's going through. She generally tries her best to do things for the greater good, and for underprivileged people and animals or for the environment but maybe she feels it's not enough.
I had gone through the same kind of train of thought (handled it a lot worse in the moment) and it makes one feel extremely helpless. And as soon as you stop being productive, the guilt gets even worse.

Correct me if I'm wrong in any way:
If I apply this to a 9, and their hidden anger for being overlooked or taken advantage of, their feeling guilty for not doing enough added to the pile would give them two contradicting emotions that they don't want to show anybody because they're also afraid of that conflict not being accepted. If it get's too strong and numbing it out starts failing they will panic but also feel self hatred for their lack of being able to maintain inner peace. So they will try to find a way of avoiding anything to do with those feelings. (note this is from a 4 point of view)

O_O I really don't want to believe that this is what's going on in her head..
 

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Yes, My first conclusion would have been that she doesn't feel accepted or appreciated but now that you mention control, I think it might actually be an existential crisis she's going through. She generally tries her best to do things for the greater good, and for underprivileged people and animals or for the environment but maybe she feels it's not enough.
I had gone through the same kind of train of thought (handled it a lot worse in the moment) and it makes one feel extremely helpless. And as soon as you stop being productive, the guilt gets even worse.

Correct me if I'm wrong in any way:
If I apply this to a 9, and their hidden anger for being overlooked or taken advantage of, their feeling guilty for not doing enough added to the pile would give them two contradicting emotions that they don't want to show anybody because they're also afraid of that conflict not being accepted. If it get's too strong and numbing it out starts failing they will panic but also feel self hatred for their lack of being able to maintain inner peace. So they will try to find a way of avoiding anything to do with those feelings. (note this is from a 4 point of view)

O_O I really don't want to believe that this is what's going on in her head..
I don't believe it is as simple as her not believing she can't make a difference to the 'greater good'. That could be part of it, but much could be around her personal life, maybe she is unsure what to do with her life, she can't see a future for herself, people keep telling her what she should do, these kind of things.

I mean, I am not sure, I don't know her or her situation.

With my 9 friend I can see something from her childhood which I believe is a contributing factor to her unhealthy mental state.
 
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If I were in that situation...Hm. I'd appreciate if nobody suddenly goes all "are you okay?" and start babying me just because of this, I'd rather have them act as they usually do. If I'm comfortable enough I'd automatically open up to you, and when I do I'd appreciate if you actually listened (as mentioned before!) It's probably not the same for everyone, but I tend to just automatically assume everyone would rather have me treat them as per normal xD

On anorexia...I watched a documentary before about child anorexics (It's on youtube!) Don't fully remember the reason behind their anorexia, but I remember one of the girls talking about how there's a part of her controlling her, and telling her that she shouldn't eat any more than a certain amount or something 0_o And one of the experts talked about family problems and such and how most anorexics are intelligent and perfectionists. Honestly I feel like it's not really something they can control, I mean well obviously they CAN, they just have to struggle really, really hard :sad: Everyone has their own little devil's tail, that part that makes you do things you know you shouldn't do. In this case it's something their little tails are causing them to harm themselves :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
If I were in that situation...Hm. I'd appreciate if nobody suddenly goes all "are you okay?" and start babying me just because of this, I'd rather have them act as they usually do. If I'm comfortable enough I'd automatically open up to you, and when I do I'd appreciate if you actually listened (as mentioned before!) It's probably not the same for everyone, but I tend to just automatically assume everyone would rather have me treat them as per normal xD

The waiting is a bit difficult even if she doesn't know that we know yet, she's still really weak and at this point the doctors are recommending to hospitalize her because they can't find her pulse anymore. Right now she speaking to us a little about how it went with the doctors but it's only the good bits and pieces, the rest we find out from her father.

When she had her first started refusing to eat about a year or two ago, her father did mention her saying she had no friends or no one liked her. And I can see that she's testing us a little to see if we really do care or if what we promised was true, which doesn't bother me but it shows that she's still not completely sure she has our support.
We became friends as teenagers though so I don't know much about in her childhood.

And by the way, I really appreciate all your guy's help, it means so much to me!
 

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The waiting is a bit difficult even if she doesn't know that we know yet, she's still really weak and at this point the doctors are recommending to hospitalize her because they can't find her pulse anymore. Right now she speaking to us a little about how it went with the doctors but it's only the good bits and pieces, the rest we find out from her father.

When she had her first started refusing to eat about a year or two ago, her father did mention her saying she had no friends or no one liked her. And I can see that she's testing us a little to see if we really do care or if what we promised was true, which doesn't bother me but it shows that she's still not completely sure she has our support.
We became friends as teenagers though so I don't know much about in her childhood.

And by the way, I really appreciate all your guy's help, it means so much to me!
I know it's hard, but I'm willing to bet all of us are supporting you and your friend! :D That she's starting to open up and testing you is actually a good sign, and soon enough she'll see how much you guys care about her, but I'm sure you already know that! The thing is, there's probably a part of her that knows she does have friends, that's the part that cheers me up whenever I feel lonely :) For now, just keep fighting! :D I'll pray for her :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I know it's hard, but I'm willing to bet all of us are supporting you and your friend! :D That she's starting to open up and testing you is actually a good sign, and soon enough she'll see how much you guys care about her, but I'm sure you already know that! The thing is, there's probably a part of her that knows she does have friends, that's the part that cheers me up whenever I feel lonely :) For now, just keep fighting! :D I'll pray for her :)
Thank you so much, that's very kind of you :)
 
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