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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone, I'm an INTJ and I seek advice from you guys, it’s about my boss he is an ENFJ (don’t ask how I know it, I just do), I have been working with him for 18 months and sometimes I see him as an intruder in my world, he tries to chat with me or to talk about personal life (and it’s not his fucking business) I tend to listen to not hurt his feelings because I don’t know how to handle him. I see him as a needy person who wants everybody’s attention and that makes me frustrated also he wants to control and criticize others, he tried that with me, I tend to obey to a certain point; I’m afraid I will explode on his face and ruin his life (HELP me to handle him correctly). What I want from him is simple just to work and leave me alone and when he talks speak in logic, is that hard to do???

I mean no offense or criticize here; all I want is to seek advice
 

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Find another job. Anything you'll do to him (or say to him) at this point will only make him think badly of you. Not saying it's because he's an ENFJ... but because it appears he has poor boundary issues with getting into other people's businesses and personal space.
 

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He will probably continue as he is, so being that he's the boss I guess you either humor him or you start looking for a new job. You know alot of people think that a friendly boss is a good thing. I think I have an EXFP boss and I think he rocks.

Of course not all ENFJs behave in the same way, at work I don't try to pry into people's lives but they always seem to confide in me anyway, I think I must have "shrink" written on my forehead lol.

..."speak in logic" that's so T. He's a feeler hun, he's not going to have the same logic as a Thinker.
 

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@thetruehell Trying to "make" him speak in logic is probably like trying to get you to speak in touchy-feely. Though from your point of view he may come off as nosy and overbearing / pesky, he's probably just a decent person who is concerned about his fellow coworkers, I'm sure the last thing that he has in mind is annoying you; most ENFJs just want everyone to get along. Do you feel as though you stand to lose something tangible by talking about your personal life with him?
 

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You're saying that all you seek is advice.

Advice on what? How to tolerate him more or advice on how to make him obey?
These are very critical questions you need to answer. Not to me, but to yourself.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@thetruehell Trying to "make" him speak in logic is probably like trying to get you to speak in touchy-feely. Though from your point of view he may come off as nosy and overbearing / pesky, he's probably just a decent person who is concerned about his fellow coworkers, I'm sure the last thing that he has in mind is annoying you; most ENFJs just want everyone to get along. Do you feel as though you stand to lose something tangible by talking about your personal life with him?
I don't share my personal life even with my parents; I don't like talking to Fe people because they take everything personal and feel like being judged. I avoid hurting their feelings, for example he is religious person , me not to that point, I speak in logic when I'm talking about God and I noticed that he doesn't like my logic, he wants to believe blind fully, so I just want some ideas that may help here.
 

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I don't share my personal life even with my parents; I don't like talking to Fe people because they take everything personal and feel like being judged. I avoid hurting their feelings, for example he is religious person , me not to that point, I speak in logic when I'm talking about God and I noticed that he doesn't like my logic, he wants to believe blind fully, so I just want some ideas that may help here.
Help at what? Force him to admit you're right?

Why can't you just tolerate him? If he wants to talk about his personal life, then let him.
If he wants to talk about yours, you can just say you don't want to.

What's the big deal? This situation only requires you to tolerate him and for him to take "No" for an answer.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Help at what? Force him to admit you're right?

Why can't you just tolerate him? If he wants to talk about his personal life, then let him.
If he wants to talk about yours, you can just say you don't want to.

What's the big deal? This situation only requires you to tolerate him and for him to take "No" for an answer.
To make him understand that I don't give a fuck of what he feels or what he thinks and If he wants to express his emotional opinions do it away from me, otherwise I will make him suffer with my logical criticisms and I don't want to do that.



Good God it seems like I can't talk to you guys even through the NET.
 

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To make him understand that I don't give a fuck of what he feels or what he thinks and If he wants to express his emotional opinions do it away from me, otherwise I will make him suffer with my logical criticisms and I don't want to do that.

Good God it seems like I can't talk to you guys even through the NET.
This is exactly what I thought. I'm actually surprised.

You don't want advice on how to cope with him, you just want advice on how to force your way on others.
 

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To make him understand that I don't give a fuck of what he feels or what he thinks and If he wants to express his emotional opinions do it away from me, otherwise I will make him suffer with my logical criticisms and I don't want to do that.



Good God it seems like I can't talk to you guys even through the NET.
It seems like the crux of this issue is that you have to have some kind of relationship with this person because he is your boss but you have such different communication preferences. I don't think that suddenly treating him differently or changing how you relate to him is going to cut it. There is such a mismatch that it is upsetting you and I think it is time for some direct and honest discussion that lets him know that you're not comfortable talking about feelings and that you use a very different (thinking based) frame of reference. ENFJs think that it is nourishing to take an interest in people and to confide in them but I know that all of my NT friends do not agree....It took me a while to understand this but I really appreciate the ESTP workmate that told me this and I have since backed off on talking feelings and people to T personalities.
 

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To make him understand that I don't give a fuck of what he feels or what he thinks and If he wants to express his emotional opinions do it away from me, otherwise I will make him suffer with my logical criticisms and I don't want to do that.



Good God it seems like I can't talk to you guys even through the NET.
so your fundamentally unhappy that people who are not like you exist.. sorry no way to solve this..


honest and true criticisms are not alone enough "or reason at all really.." to cause a person to suffer, though it sounds like you are.

honestly I think this is more about the rejection you feel, than it is about you rejecting what sounds like an attempt to be concerned with your life.

should we tell you to go express your "logical" opinions away from us? and that we dont "give a fuck" what you think? you realize this feeling has a some number of names.. anger, resentment, rejection... etc.

maybe answering for yourself the question, why does it bother me more when other people want to talk only about certain things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@HappyRedux

I started this thread because I really appreciate other people and from I wish them all the prosperity and happiness, I never express personal opinions or criticism to others in any way, I respect all people for who they are. What I can't do is to get into relations (to socialize) with others that I don't know or like. I have to work with them, I can handle other types even an ENFJ but I'm seeking the best approach to deliver my message that I don't like his feelings and I don't care about his ideas because it's dumb.
 

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You're saying that all you seek is advice.

Advice on what? How to tolerate him more or advice on how to make him obey?
These are very critical questions you need to answer. Not to me, but to yourself.
Sounds like he wants to know how to deal with him effectively w/insight, given that it is his boss, and all. I'm just curious, what is the basis of your assumption that he wants to make this guy obey? Did you think he was projecting when he said his boss craved attention, and loves to control and criticize others? Or, do you actually believe this is INTJ behavior in the workplace? Or is it option C.
 
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so your fundamentally unhappy that people who are not like you exist.. sorry no way to solve this..
No, I would say he's fundamentally unhappy that people exist who put forth as much effort into understanding him, as you are implicating he is. I'm sorry that you seem to think the OP is the one being closed-minded in this situation. Proven by his choice to come here to get advice on how to deal with somebody that doesn't understand typical INTJ characteristics, such as hating small talk and divulging personal information to others they are not especially comfortable with.
 

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@HappyRedux

I started this thread because I really appreciate other people and from I wish them all the prosperity and happiness, I never express personal opinions or criticism to others in any way, I respect all people for who they are. What I can't do is to get into relations (to socialize) with others that I don't know or like. I have to work with them, I can handle other types even an ENFJ but I'm seeking the best approach to deliver my message that I don't like his feelings and I don't care about his ideas because it's dumb.
If you have this problem with more people I advice you to show them who you are. I think most important is that the same way that you want to be respected for your logic thinking (which I totally bow to, I myself have 100% faith in the scientific method and I don't need a religion for that), the same way others want to be respected for uhm, well yeah their delusions :laughing:. I hardly tell people they are deluded because in all honesty, if they are they don't get it and rather have the "feeling" being personally attacked. By showing who you are without intruding others' "personal space" (their "beliefs", "values") you will earn more respect, and won't have the urge to think about other people's bullshit. Because in all honesty, I tend to think that after thousands of years mankind should know better about how to achieve peace and prosperity. It's just that i say that HERE on this forum. Perhaps a few religious people will stop thanking my posts, but I won't need to attack anyone personally with that because I don't have to work closely with them.

Also, you may get some useful advice from the INTJ forums. Lots of like minded people who probably had the same experiences as you did.
 

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@HappyRedux

I started this thread because I really appreciate other people and from I wish them all the prosperity and happiness, I never express personal opinions or criticism to others in any way, I respect all people for who they are. What I can't do is to get into relations (to socialize) with others that I don't know or like. I have to work with them, I can handle other types even an ENFJ but I'm seeking the best approach to deliver my message that I don't like his feelings and I don't care about his ideas because it's dumb.
Im certainly not here to dissuade you from finding a better way to communicate your boundaries regarding emotional disclosure. honestly, although I would feel somewhat rejected, stating simply that your only interested in work related issues at work and not to be friendly should more than get the message across.. when I heard this believe me I never tried to talk to them again.. sure I felt rejected however, if he realized how much frustration and anxiety his talkativeness was causing I really doubt he would keep it up. and telling him your at work only to work should do the trick. you do risk alienating yourself from you boss which might be complicated..

what ways have you tried to communicate that you wished to minimize the unnecessary interactions?
 

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Try to appreciate his point of view as a counterpoint to your strengths and weaknesses. He will notice things you will simply overlook and vice versa (and no, just because you did not think of it does not mean it is unimportant). I have an ISTP co-worker who drives me nuts, but he really is very good at getting me to slow down and look at all the details I have overlooked. And he is also getting me to be more flexible than I would naturally be. He will never be my best friend, but I appreciate that his attitude helps me to do a better job.
 

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@thetruehell

I were in a similiar situation, the solution? i found a "not normal solution" show him how different and strange you are (showing him truth or lies) but always beeing happy about it, scare the shit out of him if needed, its your space after all... also you dont really have to be under the opinions of others, tell him the truth but respecting his own... changing job? what crazy solution is that? changing your life for a pity human being, thats not the answer, get power and crush him if youre at your limits.

Really, the space of a human is sacred, dont tell him things that you dont want to. I totally identify myself with that "feeling", goddamit its like that cable guy from the movie "Cable guy" were Jim Carrey acts, underbalanced Fe can scare a lot.

 

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Hi everyone, I'm an INTJ and I seek advice from you guys, it’s about my boss he is an ENFJ (don’t ask how I know it, I just do), I have been working with him for 18 months and sometimes I see him as an intruder in my world, he tries to chat with me or to talk about personal life (and it’s not his fucking business) I tend to listen to not hurt his feelings because I don’t know how to handle him. I see him as a needy person who wants everybody’s attention and that makes me frustrated also he wants to control and criticize others, he tried that with me, I tend to obey to a certain point; I’m afraid I will explode on his face and ruin his life (HELP me to handle him correctly). What I want from him is simple just to work and leave me alone and when he talks speak in logic, is that hard to do???

I mean no offense or criticize here; all I want is to seek advice
I am curious, how old is your boss? Has he been in this position long? I ask because I had a very similar experience with a former boss (who vascilated between ENFP and ENFJ) who had serious boundary issues. I too am an "I" and a "T" and I think much of the conflict with personal boundaries evolve around these 2 traits. You also have an advantage over me as you are an "N" - same as your boss - and that provides a bit more of a similar perspective of the world.
If in fact he is a mature boss who has been in the role successfully for a while, he should be able to adjust his approach with you if you lay down some boundaries. If he is comfortable having personal conversations with you about his faith, I would assume that he would be comfortable having one about personal boundaries.
The challenge is delivering the boundary in a gift-wrapped box. Saying it in a way that appreciates his management style and relationship building communication. Perhaps saying something like, "I appreciate your concern about people, especially your employees. I think you try really hard to support us personally and professionally. Here's how you can support me in a way that you will get the most out of me... I prefer to focus on my job tasks and will definetely come to you if I get stuck. While I am at work, I am motivated by getting my job done and find talking gets in the way of that..." Or something similar.
My challenge with my former boss was that he managed according to his personal relationships, so if you were his "friend" you got his ear and support, if you were not, then too bad for you. the only way I could resolve this was to leave the job. Good luck to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
I am curious, how old is your boss? Has he been in this position long? I ask because I had a very similar experience with a former boss (who vascilated between ENFP and ENFJ) who had serious boundary issues. I too am an "I" and a "T" and I think much of the conflict with personal boundaries evolve around these 2 traits. You also have an advantage over me as you are an "N" - same as your boss - and that provides a bit more of a similar perspective of the world.
If in fact he is a mature boss who has been in the role successfully for a while, he should be able to adjust his approach with you if you lay down some boundaries. If he is comfortable having personal conversations with you about his faith, I would assume that he would be comfortable having one about personal boundaries.
The challenge is delivering the boundary in a gift-wrapped box. Saying it in a way that appreciates his management style and relationship building communication. Perhaps saying something like, "I appreciate your concern about people, especially your employees. I think you try really hard to support us personally and professionally. Here's how you can support me in a way that you will get the most out of me... I prefer to focus on my job tasks and will definetely come to you if I get stuck. While I am at work, I am motivated by getting my job done and find talking gets in the way of that..." Or something similar.
My challenge with my former boss was that he managed according to his personal relationships, so if you were his "friend" you got his ear and support, if you were not, then too bad for you. the only way I could resolve this was to leave the job. Good luck to you!
Thanks for your post

My boss is like 40’s, the difference of age between me and my boss is around 12 to 15 years, and he is in this position for more than 7 years but technically he is not fit for that position (public company where no one cares). The thing that annoys me a lot is the bad decisions he made in work accompanied with racist attitudes, he is “religious” and he uses his appearances to influence the people around (some psychological fear of anything holy) but that crap doesn’t work on me, I know these techniques very well and I’m immune against them. He is the person like (you’re with me or against me) type (without expressing it), if you’re with him you get all his blessings and he take care of you (trainings, high points, the easiest tasks, …) and if you’re against him well you can forget any promotion and expect a lot of criticism and the shitty tasks.

I hope this brief description gives you a little bit of my perspective, I know his approaches, he wants to make some kind of personal relation so you can feel comfortable with him then without knowing it you would be his toy, This type of people are very gifted to influence people’s minds and get what they want (politics, social life, …).

I don’t give a shit about what he does to get what he wants as long as he is doing it far from me.


By the way I’m searching for a new job and I can’t leave this until I find a new one.
 
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