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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure how to explain this but I'll give it a try.

I don't have any friends at the moment and any previous didn't last very long.

I find having friends very difficult. I have a hard time tolerating certain personalities and often find that I start comparing myself and my abilities with the friends that are more outspoken and share a lot more of themselves with other people. Being around this personlaity type makes me feel almost inferior to them and I start doubting myself.

I have found that not having friends and doing things on my own has helped me build my confidence and has allowed me to do things at my own pace finding things out for myself, therefore enjoying myself and life a lot more.

I have just started University and I am sharing a house with 7 other people most of them I get on well with and most of us seem to be introvert type people in that we need recovery time on our own in our own rooms.

However one girl is the opposite to this, she is very outspoken and often dominates the conversations we have. Making the conversation about her. She is 3 years younger then me but for some reason I feel intimidated and irritated by her because I am suddenly finding myself questioning my personality thinking that me being irritated by her means there is something wrong with me. I feel like I am starting to go backwards to the place I was 4 years ago.

I feel almost pressured into having to socialise with the people in my house when i just want to do my own thing. This girl in particular is very 'we should all go do this together' all the time and it puts me in the awkward position that if I don't want to do something and I say no I'm worried that I will offend her and the rest of the house.

I am a very emotional person and I feel things deeply. Being around lots of people seems to make me feel muddled inside. It's like I am feeling so many different feelings all at once and I don't know how to handle it.

Do INFJ's usually find friendships difficult? The last four years I have been more at peace with myself by not having friends. However I've notived that a few people, my brother and sister in particular, seem to think there is something wrong with me by not having friends.

I sometimes get lonely when I don't have someone to go to the theatre with but other than that I'd just rather be on my own.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Sorry for the long post. I'm feeling a little upset about all this.
 

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You're not alone. My friends (the few that I have) are offended if I want to do things on my own. If I go to get a haircut by myself, or if I go to a movie without inviting them, they pity me, then demand to know why I didn't ask them. However, often when I do ask them, they turn me down or bail on me at the last minute. No one understands why I take offense to their always turning me down or backing out.

I think it's a good thing that you do things on your own. Like you, I feel stronger and more confident when I do things myself, whereas whenever I do get a close friend that I spend lots of time with, I begin to feel awkward doing things alone. I begin to feel dependent, which I hate.

Possibly, your outgoing roommate feels she always needs people around, and she may be trying to create a support network for herself. Remember that she's not inviting you all along because she wants to make you feel awkward. Instead, she's probably trying to meet her own needs in a way that she thinks will help you all, too. That being said, however, you don't have to always go along with her. You have to take care of yourself, of course. :proud:
 

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Being empathetic can make socializing difficult. Hanging on to your own thoughts, beliefs and personality is harder because we tend to identify so strongly with other people.

I've pushed many a freindship away simply by being anti-social. I don't have many very close freinds. Loads of aquaintances though. I have a hard time letting people get close because it's hard for me to just be me when I'm around other people. I, like a lot of other INFJ, tend to be rather like a chameleon, and the only time I really feel my authentic self is when I'm with someone who knows me inside and out, or when I'm alone.

I've spent years thinking there was something wrong with me because of this, but I now know that it has been a necessary coping mechanism.
 

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I do find friendships difficult. New people make me nervous. It helps sometime just to say what I feel. I might say, I am introverted and need some time alone or it takes me a long time to get to know people. It takes me a while to get comfortable around people. I have a few good friends that have been in the making for many years. There have been countless others that did not become friends.
 

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I have trouble with friendships. I have built them up and they usually fall away eventually. Right now I don't have many friends (I don't consider people I say happy birthday to once/yr on facebook much of a friend). So I can definitely relate to what you are saying.

In college I felt conflicted many times because there were things that I was hoping for (a gf) that never happened, I never put myself in any situation to make that a possibility. On the other hand, as I get older, I know myself better and I know what works for me and what doesn't.

Honestly? I can't wait to move out of my parents house, I am confident I can get a decent enough job to find my own place to rent, and I'll be pretty happy at that point. I wouldn't say I'm happy now, I'm just okay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Possibly, your outgoing roommate feels she always needs people around, and she may be trying to create a support network for herself. Remember that she's not inviting you all along because she wants to make you feel awkward. Instead, she's probably trying to meet her own needs in a way that she thinks will help you all, too. That being said, however, you don't have to always go along with her. You have to take care of yourself, of course. :proud:
I didn't think of that, thanks! She does seem to need lots of people around her all the time as a support network.

It's strange that when the issue is happening to myself it's hard to find a way to fix it or look at it differently. I'm so much better at giving other people advice than giving advice to myself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Being empathetic can make socializing difficult. Hanging on to your own thoughts, beliefs and personality is harder because we tend to identify so strongly with other people.

I've pushed many a freindship away simply by being anti-social. I don't have many very close freinds. Loads of aquaintances though. I have a hard time letting people get close because it's hard for me to just be me when I'm around other people. I, like a lot of other INFJ, tend to be rather like a chameleon, and the only time I really feel my authentic self is when I'm with someone who knows me inside and out, or when I'm alone.

I've spent years thinking there was something wrong with me because of this, but I now know that it has been a necessary coping mechanism.
That's exactly how it feels. It's like I can pick up on all the emotions around me and I am soaking them in like a sponge and because of this I can't figure out how I am feeling. It's almost like I have to dig deeper when I'm around others because I tend to take on other peoples traits and ideas to fit in therefore losing a part of myself.

Often I'll go away from the situation and reflect over it and suddenly realise that actually I didn't agree with what they were saying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I do find friendships difficult. New people make me nervous. It helps sometime just to say what I feel. I might say, I am introverted and need some time alone or it takes me a long time to get to know people. It takes me a while to get comfortable around people. I have a few good friends that have been in the making for many years. There have been countless others that did not become friends.
Yeah it takes me a long time before my personality comes through. In my last job I would say it took me just over a year before I started feeling relaxed around my work colleagues, enough to have a bit of banter with them or joke around.

I think I can come across quite serious when people first meet me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have trouble with friendships. I have built them up and they usually fall away eventually. Right now I don't have many friends (I don't consider people I say happy birthday to once/yr on facebook much of a friend). So I can definitely relate to what you are saying.

In college I felt conflicted many times because there were things that I was hoping for (a gf) that never happened, I never put myself in any situation to make that a possibility. On the other hand, as I get older, I know myself better and I know what works for me and what doesn't.

Honestly? I can't wait to move out of my parents house, I am confident I can get a decent enough job to find my own place to rent, and I'll be pretty happy at that point. I wouldn't say I'm happy now, I'm just okay.
Same here, I have many 'friends' on facebook but these aren't people that I spend time with, they are people I knew from school/acquaintances.

I too am hoping for a relationship (bf), but like you I don't put myself in the situations to make it possible. I'm a lot more open with people than I used to be especially if I am conversing one to one. I came to University because I suddenly felt that I was ready to start making friends but now I’m starting to remember why I didn't have any in the first place (other than family).

I'm definitely a fan of chatting with people one to one. Maybe that's why I find my housemate irritating. When she dominates the conversation I feel that I can't get a word in and therefore any potential friends are taken away from me because I don't 'think' as quickly as she does or talk as quickly as she does. I find that I end up taking a back seat watching her have the conversation with the new people we just met. It almost makes me want to leave the room.

The other annoying thing is that sometimes I can see the new people we just met wanting to get to know me and my other housemates but because this one housemates dominates the conversation they can't get a word in either. Often when someone ask ALL of us what our names are etc she seems oblivious that the question doesn't just apply to her but the new person is actually interested in getting to know all of us.
 

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Friendships have never been my forte. Outside of family, I have a total of 3 really good friends and that's about it for now. The rest would I consider acquaintances. I honestly don't think I understand how having many friends works. How can a person have so much time and effort to maintain so many relationships and still have time for yourself and your life? My friends and I have enough trouble as it is getting a happy hour together with our different schedules.

The red flag for me that I did things differently in the friends department was when I noticed that many people don't take time to be alone. I need chill time alone to basically recover from being around many people. One of my friends is an ENFJ and she can't stand being alone. She says that it's almost frightening and just doesn't know what to do with herself. I on the other hand relish the thought of that. :crazy:

There are more extroverts than introverts out there so it would be natural to feel that you are odd at times. However I came to realize that it's different strokes for different folks. It's different ways of doing things and neither are wrong.
 

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[/QUOTE]=I too am hoping for a relationship (bf), but like you I don't put myself in the situations to make it possible. I'm a lot more open with people than I used to be especially if I am conversing one to one. I came to University because I suddenly felt that I was ready to start making friends but now I’m starting to remember why I didn't have any in the first place (other than family).

I'm definitely a fan of chatting with people one to one. Maybe that's why I find my housemate irritating. When she dominates the conversation I feel that I can't get a word in and therefore any potential friends are taken away from me because I don't 'think' as quickly as she does or talk as quickly as she does. I find that I end up taking a back seat watching her have the conversation with the new people we just met. It almost makes me want to leave the room.

The other annoying thing is that sometimes I can see the new people we just met wanting to get to know me and my other housemates but because this one housemates dominates the conversation they can't get a word in either. Often when someone ask ALL of us what our names are etc she seems oblivious that the question doesn't just apply to her but the new person is actually interested in getting to know all of us.[/QUOTE]
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Maybe one thing you can try to keep in mind, maybe making your interactions a little more enjoyable >> I heard some advice before basicaly saying: If you're having trouble, think of every conversation as a one on one conversation, even though everyone else is around. Because when you think about it, it is not possible for everyone to speak at the same time and hear what everyone else has to say.

Certainly, the above situation occurs, where people just babble on and on simultaneously, but we are often in situations where people are not this way. In situations with a lot of people, we can try and focus on that one person, in that moment. I think we'll have to try and block out what we're picking up from people about their feelings a bit and try to focus on what that one person is saying at that time.

Another idea could be to try and build the relationships with people one on one, intentionally. Say you have that dominant person around all the time. No problem. What you can do is ask different people, one on one, out on separate outings and if people wonder what you're doing you can just tell others you want to get to know each person individually. I would be surprised if your friends / acquaintances did not appreciate that. For example, you could ask one person to join you while you study, you could ask someone out to coffee, where ever you are comfortable.

Those are some thoughts, maybe that helps. =/
 

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I think it's better to just relax in situations like this and try not to overthink it. If your outspoken friend means well, then that's a good thing. You don't have to bounce off the walls, but I don't think you have to withdraw from everyone either. You may think that you are being "independent" by wanting to do your own thing, but it might just be that you are uncomfortable, in which case, I think it would be better to address the issue.

I think the problem with MBTI and all those psychological terms like "introvert" comes when we can develop an "us v. them" attitude toward other personalities. It can also make us bitter toward them, which I don't think is a good thing. You also should bear in mind that extroverts have more of a NEED to talk. So if it seems like they talk about themselves too much, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are conceited. You posted on this forum probably to get your feelings off of your chest. Extroverts often do the same thing outloud.

You are not inferrior to anyone, and I don't think any of your problems have to do with you being an introvert. You have some insecurities, but I think you can get through them if you work at it.
 

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You're not alone. My friends (the few that I have) are offended if I want to do things on my own. If I go to get a haircut by myself, or if I go to a movie without inviting them, they pity me, then demand to know why I didn't ask them. However, often when I do ask them, they turn me down or bail on me at the last minute. No one understands why I take offense to their always turning me down or backing out.
I am the EXACT same way. I've noticed that I always seem to have friends come and go... I'll be friends with someone for a while and eventually they will seem to "drift away" because when I ask them to hang out or call them or whatever they back out cause they won't "feel" like it. I've noticed this with a few of my older friends.

With some newer friends from college though, I've noticed they can't understand how I don't call them like every week or that I don't ask them to go shopping when the truth is I hate going shopping with people... if I REALLY want to shop, then I do it on my own because I can just get what I need and get out.

Then there are some friends where its like the more I am around them, the more they start rubbing my nerves the wrong way. I've noticed this trend mostly with ESFJs.


... this may be why I mostly have guy friends. I just call them and they'll hang out and its not so complicated. :wink:
 

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And you also have to remember.... most people don't have REAL friends. I know several ESFJs or ESFPs, etc. etc. and they may hang out with people a lot but none of them seem to be their REAL friends. From what I've observed... they never have deep conversations or really have grown to truly know one another.

So are we really that out of the loop with friends?? Not really. We just don't "fake" the depth of our friendships. If that makes sense.
 

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I didn't think of that, thanks! She does seem to need lots of people around her all the time as a support network.

It's strange that when the issue is happening to myself it's hard to find a way to fix it or look at it differently. I'm so much better at giving other people advice than giving advice to myself.
My ENFP roommate (I know you're all tired of hearing about her!) is that way. She sort of collects people and drags them around with her, like she's creating her own little entourage. :laughing:
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks everyone I appreciate your support and suggestions. I have been getting along with her much better the last couple of days. I think she is beginning to understand that we all need our own space and we are all different. She hasn't been as forceful about us all doing things together so maybe it was 'nerves' about living away from home that she feels like she needs a support network.

We are going to be living with each other for a year!

I'm feeling much better about it all and not so intimidated about saying no if I don't feeling doing everything her way. She takes it pretty well. The same with the others in the house, they have started to mention that she can be a bit bossy but it doesn't stop us from being friends. :crazy:
 

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Thanks everyone I appreciate your support and suggestions. I have been getting along with her much better the last couple of days. I think she is beginning to understand that we all need our own space and we are all different. She hasn't been as forceful about us all doing things together so maybe it was 'nerves' about living away from home that she feels like she needs a support network.

We are going to be living with each other for a year!

I'm feeling much better about it all and not so intimidated about saying no if I don't feeling doing everything her way. She takes it pretty well. The same with the others in the house, they have started to mention that she can be a bit bossy but it doesn't stop us from being friends. :crazy:
I'm so glad to hear things are going better. Keep us informed!
 
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