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Hello, all my life i've been abused and am now a messed up adult. I recently left my husband who was verbally/emotionally abusing me and am trying to live on my own now. I am currently trying to navigate my way through trying to have a healthy relationship with the most amazing, kind and gentle ISFJ but i still struggle with a lot of fears, doubts and some paranoia. I was hoping that if i shared with other INFPs there could be a safe place for me to process things and grow past my problems. I really want to be healthy and i really want to make this second chance relationship work. I'm at a place where i'm willing to be as open and honest as i can even tho you're all strangers. I'm THAT determined to conquer this, tho i know i can't do it alone. Some of my problems are i hyper-fixate and obsess over things and i am not that great at waiting until there's a response, silence is a land mine field for me cuz my brain just won't stop sometimes and i panic and think the worst. I have gotten better but if i'm honest, i still worry that i said or did something wrong and read way into things more than i should, that whole "trying to fix perceived problems" thing when there's most likely nothing there at all. Anyway, i'm putting myself out there cuz i need help and i desperately want to love this man well and to let him love me well. Thank you <3
P.S. You don't HAVE to be an INFP to respond :)
 

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Do you know what codependency is?
 

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I want to encourage you, and also say be patient with yourself and let those who love you know that you need them to be patient with you as healing is a long process, and there may be many times where you feel like you've gone backwards, or you feel bad for still having and talking about the same problems. It's okay.

My personal experience was with my best friend and roommate who over time became so negative towards me all the time that it destroyed the positive foundation I'd had as a child and I came to expect everything I did or said to be wrong somehow and couldn't believe anyone would forgive me for even the smallest things. I finally realized I Had to move out, and thankfully I was able to live with someone who was really amazing, like a second mom to me. I honestly felt like I had to grow up all over again, have my world view and expectations of people re-formed. For me it was retreating back to childhood and kind of reliving those positive years, but I understand you wouldn't have the same sort of memories to relive.

One of the Main things I had to work on was redirecting my thoughts whenever I started to brood. I definitely understand the worry-wart tendencies you described. Silence or the slightest displeasure in someone's tone can send me into a pit of dark thoughts questioning everything I think I know - what if they actually totally hate me and I was just deluding myself all this time that they were anything but tolerating me - and so forth. I realized I Had to stop as soon as I realized I was doing that and fill my mind with something positive, whether it was putting on happy music, or reading a good book, or imagining a fairy-tale story, something to get my mind OFF my own life. Now of course you can't just ignore your real life, but it does no good dwelling on your problems at times when you're not actively working on solving them. Brooding over possible but unconfirmed negatives can be a really hard habit to break. It was probably 6 or so years before I started to feel like my old self again, where the good thought habits were more frequent than the negatives, but even still at 10 years later I have an underlying paranoia and tendency to be anxious and distraught whenever I pick up any unhappy vibes from people.

Something I've had to learn is not to get stressed out when my husband is silent or grumpy just because he is tired. It's something that passes, and everything will likely be just fine in the morning. It's so hard to sleep sometimes when your mind is relentlessly going over nuances of unhappy expression you piked up on from someone important, but I've learned it's better to remind myself to write it off as 'just tired' and stop thinking it's an indication that he's displeased with me on the whole for whatever little thing I was doing that happened to grate on his tired senses.

Personally I also found it important to let the near and dear people know that I need frequent straightforward confirmation that they love and care for me. It may seem silly and like it should be obvious, but after the emotional trauma of having everything I did eye-rolled and snorted and glared at - I think I kind of needed a Lot of positive confirmation that I wasn't just a nuisance to eventually counterbalance all of that negative feedback. I kept feeling like everyone must be just putting up with me, so it was sooooo important to my healing process to hear the words that expressed "I love you" "I'm glad your'e here" "I think you did a great job" "I appreciate the effort you put into this" etc. I couldn't trust my reading of others positive cues, I needed to have it actually spelled out for me.
 

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Take my words not as an attack, but an attempt to give you at least one useful advice:

1.)I don't think that this site would be the best choice for share your problems or ask for help. Because:

a.)This site is full of mistyped, misinformed people who are trying to act like a certain way to prove themselves something.
Because of this, you most likely will not get any useful response at all, not to mention the fact, that on this forum, some topic
about Tea could be more popular than an acutal serious discussion. Because no one seems to focus on truth(can be see when
you look at the amount of mistyped and misinformed people here) and no one seems to focus on actually relevant topics (can be
see when you look at popular topics theme) your problem wont get enough focus or attention, thus you will not get any useful
result.

b.)This is your private life. And your individual problems aren't connected to anyone here,unless the participants of your case aren't
here. Because of this - again - your chance of getting any useful, personal help is woefully limited. What I want to say with
these, is that you better seek help elsewhere if you want solutions.

2.)Which is bring me to my second point: If you absoluetly cannot solve your problems by yourself, then professional help may be a good choice. I see some unhealthy thinking pattern in your writing. However, you are relatively lucky. Your case is fairly common, so there should be enough professional resource to properly solve this problem.

Good luck with this.
 

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I want to echo "be kind to yourself". I think of emotional wounds as the same as physical wounds. Let's say husband takes a knife and cuts me, or stabs me. I will retreat to nurse that wound*. I'll try not to let it get infected. So with emotional wounds that another human puts on you -- put antibiotic creme on it, a band-aid, let yourself rest and mostly importantly don't let my husband stab me, or another person, stab me again. Sometimes there are signs that another person might do this, but yes, sometimes it comes out of the blue. Sometimes you need a therapist to help you heal, just like a doctor for physical wounds.

*this is after, I stab him, myself.
 

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I tend to think about things obsessively too(other things), ruminating I hear it is called. I can't give advice as to stop it as I have not fully managed to myself, but it certainly helps to keep my mind occupied. It is like the thoughts, every time you return to them, plow a deeper ditch leading where you should not be going, and as it gets deeper and more connected to other areas of thought, it gets easier to fall into it again, and again. So one need to stop that pattern, and let the trail slowly erode. Which is terribly difficult, and takes time. It has helped me to study, and a subject that I feel really enthusiastic about, because it is not just a distraction, but it tires my mind and allows me to almost obsessively think about the projects, which is not harmful, I get to use that capacity of thinking of things for all angles and different perspectives, but about something less emotional. It works halfway at least. You need to rest too, and then it is possible old thoughtpatterns return. So learning to deal with them when they show up is also important.

Any way, I am sorry you had that experience, but glad that you are not any longer. Take care.
 

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Like everyone else says, it's codependency. You need to develop self-love by doing strengthening actions that help yourself. Make choices that strengthen yourself. When you take care of yourself you can start to love yourself, sometimes for the 1st time. The brain will reward you and you can tell that part of the mind can trust yourself more or less. When it trusts more you can handle conflict and you don't follow people's suggestions all the time.

Then when toxic people are around you, you can hold them accountable. Try to do as many things for yourself as you can and expect your partners to do the same. Make sure you can get pleasure from hobbies and interests. The external motivation to develop yourself is more difficult but it seems to be the only way. Meditative concentration has to give way to Flow, which requires skill preparation and a meditative readiness. You can detect this when your mind is preoccupied with something, especially if it's addictive or habitual, and you are interrupted. It hurts a little. When you are prepared and ready, obstacles are less painful.

You'll find over time that concentration, and being able to direct your attention span is where a lot of yourself esteem comes from.


There's a lot more and I'm delving into another video on Freud where he goes into this type of relationship of codependency and narcissism. As I read more Freud it's clear that he's one of the greatest thinkers of the 20th century, simply because so many people crib his notes and act as if it's their insights. That's usually a sign of great influence.

To keep it simple I'll say that co-dependents debase themselves by dropping their interests and concerns to garner responses from toxic types (not just narcissists) and have been trained to expect less from people through intermittent reinforcement where people give you lots of love in the beginning but soon become bored and give less regard overtime. A codependent usually blames themselves and keeps over-contributing to toxic types when really it's the toxic person's fault for their boredom. Both partners need to solve their own boredom THEMSELVES and stop putting the onus on their loved ones. It takes years of conditioning yourself, but as you take your power back you begin to see things from a new angle that you haven't before. It really is like putting on new glasses, but it takes longer. You realize that you have to rely on yourself to make yourself happy. This includes actively changing your emotions and also altering your environment.

The best way to get out of your head is to look at meditation in a more practical way and to try to live in activity instead of rumination. Living in a world of putting things behind you will condition you to be a bit more ESTJ. Inactivity and rumination are your enemy. Good luck!
 

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Developing good habits is going to be key for you. To find out things you enjoy and slowly making them an essential part of your life. As INFPs, while we are vulnerable to abuse, we also possess an innate optimism for life that we see in your opening post. Can you think along the lines that the worst is behind you? If you can then whatever comes your way, you have the ability to put a positive spin on it. But don't hurry the process. Healing is a slow and automatic process. Some days would feel like worse than ever. But they would be a passing thing too. Some form of reimagining and understanding the past all over gain would be necessary too. Restrict that to once a week or once every two weeks. Welcome the new person you are becoming. Have empathy for the new person you are becoming. Also have patience with the past person who still persists in you. Some parts of your past person are remarkable and strong. You would want them to be at the heart of your new person.

I ask you the following questions personally: what do you enjoy? Cooking? Reading? Sketching/drawing/painting? Music? Something physical? Writing? Feel free to share as much or as little you wish to. I would like to assure you that this is a safe place. One random negative comment would not be too difficult to ignore.

@Nier Schintterhaven

Your precaution is appreciated. But your perception is rather flawed. Just because are sometimes typed wrongly (I am looking at you @Phil) does not mean they lack a mind or capacity for empathy. You might be projecting some of your own insecurities and disappointments over here, which is the great part of this forum that it absorbs everything and in the end we are all of us left with a better person that we can be. I have been where you are at. I was bitterly disappointed with this place. Ask @mimesis. But then it was in the end the projection of my own insecurities. Those are violent, yes. But this place, and the people here can absorb a lot of bad.

That said, I do get bored with the repetitive topics sometimes.
 

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Keep a list of the nice things he said and maybe immerse yourself in his surroundings so you know you're safe.

For me, the affection my bf shows me is enough to make me feel secure. At the same time, I know all his friends and their idea of a big night out is seeing the Pokemon film lol which is why I trust the boys aren't up to anything weird. There's also no way they'd okay bad behavior as they respect me.

These are just some examples, as I think for you it appears you need reasons to feel secure. Put weight behind his positive actions and when he deserves it, reward that behavior.

And be honest. If he's a decent guy, he'll care about your feelings. My bf knows he needs to text if he's out very late, and I reward this by not nagging him about irrational fears. Behaviors should be positive on both sides.
 

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I think honestly you just have to learn what your mental "triggers" are that can send you down a pattern of negative thoughts and catch them consciously before you go there. It can be treated as a bad habit like any other, patience, persistence and eventually you will not be thinking those thoughts at all. Self-consciousness about your habits of thinking will allow you to understand how to treat your mind better.
 

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Hello, all my life i've been abused and am now a messed up adult. I recently left my husband who was verbally/emotionally abusing me and am trying to live on my own now. I am currently trying to navigate my way through trying to have a healthy relationship with the most amazing, kind and gentle ISFJ but i still struggle with a lot of fears, doubts and some paranoia. I was hoping that if i shared with other INFPs there could be a safe place for me to process things and grow past my problems. I really want to be healthy and i really want to make this second chance relationship work. I'm at a place where i'm willing to be as open and honest as i can even tho you're all strangers. I'm THAT determined to conquer this, tho i know i can't do it alone. Some of my problems are i hyper-fixate and obsess over things and i am not that great at waiting until there's a response, silence is a land mine field for me cuz my brain just won't stop sometimes and i panic and think the worst. I have gotten better but if i'm honest, i still worry that i said or did something wrong and read way into things more than i should, that whole "trying to fix perceived problems" thing when there's most likely nothing there at all. Anyway, i'm putting myself out there cuz i need help and i desperately want to love this man well and to let him love me well. Thank you <3
P.S. You don't HAVE to be an INFP to respond :)
Hey! I hope I can give you some good advice. I speak from the heart because, I myself have been struggling with trauma after an event that was shocking for me, though it was not abuse. I know that when we are traumatized things can trigger us and we perceive danger where there is not. I understand you cause I go through this often. The reality is that although these disturbing thoughts and physical sensations can happen it is not those that can stop you. Just say to yourself -These thoughts, feelings happen. Ok. I am just going to let them be. But guess what ? They cannot define me. It is not they who determine my relationship and my life. When you feel ready, I think you should be open with your partner about your struggles and in what areas you have difficulty and explaining to him why. Make him understand that you really care for him and want him so much and that certain reactions or difficulties that may arise have to do with your past and not with him. When you are ready, start trying to be open about your fears, just tell him, I'm sure he will understand! Remember how much you want this!This is my advice. When it comes to other advice I believe is valid, I read a really good book by psychologist Peter Levine, called "Waking the tiger", in which he explains that when we have trauma excess energy gets trapped in our body, because in the moment we where traumatized too much energy that was supposed to go into the fight or flight response got trapped into our bodies creating what we know to be symptoms of trauma. Luckily if we trust our instinct over our rationality (as in not interfere and let the energy and symptoms flow by acceptance) that trapped energy can turn into a constructive energy and it can lead the path of renegotiating trauma. The only thing about the book is that it over complicates this fairly simple concept into many pages of explanations you may not need. If you wish, I do anyways advise you to get informed about this way of understanding and resolving trauma ,which is also used in a naturalistic type of trauma therapy called Somatic Experiencing, if you want to look it up. My best wishes, I am sure everything will be fine and that you will achieve happiness in your relationship and in your life! :)
 
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