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So, this is not an easy situation to describe. I am madly in love with an ISFJ who is madly in love with me. Here's the tricky part: we fell in love with each other while i am still married (separated in process of divorce, not bcuz of him) and he is living with his current girlfriend. Yeah, i know. We've known each other for almost 19 months and it has only been since August that somehow things progressed and now we want to be together (he started the progressing). He can't financially afford to leave his gf so he is working to become financially stable without her. I'm living on my own working on being financially stable without my soon-to-be-ex-husband. For the first few months he struggled a bit with being so emotionally taxed trying to navigate pursuing me and still being in a relationship but he did it anyway and we became even more close than before. Over time tho it proved to be too much for him so we are now in a "i can't pursue you while i'm still in a relationship with someone else, it's not fair to either of you, even tho i'd rather be with you so i will still talk to you every day and in my heart have a future planned with you but i can't tell you how i feel anymore until i'm free" stage. This confuses my heart to no end and bcuz of my past hurts i struggle A LOT to keep reminding myself he truly does love me and wants to be with me. He is fine with not restricting me expressing my feelings but he has almost completely stopped expressing his outwardly saying he can't respond to my feelings bcuz he is in a relationship but has asked me to know his heart and what he actually does want, which is to be with me. I may be a dreamer but life has taught me to be a realist and i honestly do believe that he loves me. The trouble i have is our relationship started online and is now via text, which has no tone and i have to strictly rely on intuition which is near impossible online, but i also over analyze and read way into things and then get paranoid and panic, i'm not good with silence. I guess i just want someone to tell me that even when he's not very talkative sometimes or doesn't respond how i was hoping, that he still does want to be with me. I mean, he texts me every morning to say good morning and has told me things/hinted at his feelings when i know he's not alone. Maybe this is more of an INFP forum thing? I'm not sure. All i know is i want to understand him, trust him, give him the space and encouragement he needs and to eventually be together. Help me while i wait? Thank you <3
 

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Side note: i've also noticed he has completely stopped being social from what i can tell. he used to be active on discord and he's silent (he even deleted his personal discord server), he used to be active on twitch, he's silent. it seems like i'm basically the only one he talks to, other than i'm assuming his gf and people at work. i know he's an extreme introvert, even more than i am, but should i worry that he seems to be isolating himself? when he was expressing his feelings for me, he would say that i was his entire world and has told me his romantic relationships are all-encompassing and his reason for living. should i worry? should i encourage him to look outside this? i'm honestly limited in what i can do since we can't see each other and can basically only text. Thank you for helping!! <3
 

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I'm going to be brief: before you do anything drastic, you should at least talk to each other with your uh, voices. I've got nothing against long distance relationships, I've been in them myself, but if your feelings are purely through text you should see if you can actually communicate with one another in real life. Hope everything works out for you two, ISFJs are hard to find and if you have one in your life it's hard to ever be anything but happy :proud: :heart:
 

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I don't see any reason not to believe he doesn't still want to be with you, or that his now-unspoken feelings for you aren't still just as real and intense. I've questioned my ISFJ husband before when it seems like he hasn't been very expressive of his emotions in a while and he's responded to me with something like, of course I still love you very much - I just haven't said anything because nothing has changed.

That being said, while I believe the ISFJ male's feelings for you can continue to be quite present and real even when unexpressed, I would encourage you to end the constant texting. You're looking to him for emotional support, and he just can't (and shouldn't) be that for you right now. Maybe establish a regular time to talk, a few times a week. Right now it sounds like you're hanging on his every response just to be ok. I certainly don't think you have to encourage him to look outside of your connection for something different, but I do think that you need to be working on learning to be ok on your own right now, so that you can give this new relationship the good, healthy, fresh start it deserves.

Once you're financially independent and stable on your own, and so is he, then you guys can give the relationship a real shot. Like Phil, I also encourage you to meet in real life when you can. I hope it all goes well for you both.
 

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE!!
So, there are times when i have days off of work during the week and he has called me and we do chat, its just not frequent and he has said he prefers to text me when he really has something to say cuz its easier for him to get his words straight cuz he says his heart melts when he hears my voice, and i think right now for him its easier to keep things less intense for him and i understand and respect that, it's just hard with my baggage for it to be enough to go on although i'm truly trying! I mean, how sweet can someone be?? We have also met irl 3 times and each time we have been AMAZINGLY happy and compatible. I've NEVER experienced this with anyone else in my entire life and honestly i am quite certain i will NEVER find this again, ever. He is the one who has pursued me this whole time and its only been recent that things escalated to mutual love and then had to calm down cuz of the emotional stress. I've been in terrible relationships and grew up in an abusive household so i do have a bit of baggage, hence the constant freaking out on my part to just learn to trust him, which i truly believe is something i can actually do with him. He has always told me the truth and even recently said his heart is in the same place as before he was being emotionally drained. He said he doesn't regret anything with me other than not being able to wait until he was out of his current relationship before pursuing me cuz now things are harder. I know he feels terrible and may even still be hard on himself for having to change the dynamic in our relationship bcuz its hard on ME, let alone his stress. I try to do what i can to make him feel like everything will be ok and that i'm ok with as much as i can be with how things are for now. I truly want to honor and respect his needs, it is very important to me especially since his former relationships have all seemed to have been toxic or he's been the primary/only caregiver. He deserves someone that can treat him and love him well and have equal value and contributions to the relationship. He truly is one-in-a-billion and i truly believe my soulmate which is why i need to get my stuff together cuz i honestly don't want to be without him. I don't want to be high maintenance either. This is all new to me in the sense that i actually think i'm a lot healthier now that i'm out from under my husband's verbal abuse. He knows it's gonna take awhile for me to heal and he is willing to be patient and help as i do so. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?? i've NEVER had anyone tell me that sincerely before, i've always been a burden or too much or whatever. Anyway, i truly appreciate your feedback and help with this. I truly want this to work and am willing to do anything to love him well and get healthy myself to make this last and work. <3
 

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THANK YOU for your perspective!! You are absolutely right! I am looking to him for emotional support too much and i DO need to be working on my own stuff right now, which is exactly why i'm reaching out. I've been doing a lot better with a lot less texting and trying to be aware of not letting him or me be the sole initiator or conversations. That said, tbh i have been having a really hard time, although i don't tell him at all. I need to work through this on my own and he doesn't need the burden of knowing i'm struggling so much cuz i know he will feel guilty that he can't be there for me or help me. I am determined to not burden him as much as possible so he doesn't have to feel the weight of my stuff. That said, he knows me well enough to know things are probably going on but i'm hoping that if i keep letting him know i'm getting better that will help him feel better. He is such a kind and understanding and gentle man. I've NEVER had anyone be so sweet to me and be ok with all the things that are going on with me, and he still fell in love with me! I would love to have your input/encouragement/insight as i navigate through this. Again, thank you for sharing your perspective and i plan on putting it to good use! <3
 

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THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE!!
So, there are times when i have days off of work during the week and he has called me and we do chat, its just not frequent and he has said he prefers to text me when he really has something to say cuz its easier for him to get his words straight cuz he says his heart melts when he hears my voice, and i think right now for him its easier to keep things less intense for him and i understand and respect that, it's just hard with my baggage for it to be enough to go on although i'm truly trying! I mean, how sweet can someone be?? We have also met irl 3 times and each time we have been AMAZINGLY happy and compatible. I've NEVER experienced this with anyone else in my entire life and honestly i am quite certain i will NEVER find this again, ever. He is the one who has pursued me this whole time and its only been recent that things escalated to mutual love and then had to calm down cuz of the emotional stress. I've been in terrible relationships and grew up in an abusive household so i do have a bit of baggage, hence the constant freaking out on my part to just learn to trust him, which i truly believe is something i can actually do with him. He has always told me the truth and even recently said his heart is in the same place as before he was being emotionally drained. He said he doesn't regret anything with me other than not being able to wait until he was out of his current relationship before pursuing me cuz now things are harder. I know he feels terrible and may even still be hard on himself for having to change the dynamic in our relationship bcuz its hard on ME, let alone his stress. I try to do what i can to make him feel like everything will be ok and that i'm ok with as much as i can be with how things are for now. I truly want to honor and respect his needs, it is very important to me especially since his former relationships have all seemed to have been toxic or he's been the primary/only caregiver. He deserves someone that can treat him and love him well and have equal value and contributions to the relationship. He truly is one-in-a-billion and i truly believe my soulmate which is why i need to get my stuff together cuz i honestly don't want to be without him. I don't want to be high maintenance either. This is all new to me in the sense that i actually think i'm a lot healthier now that i'm out from under my husband's verbal abuse. He knows it's gonna take awhile for me to heal and he is willing to be patient and help as i do so. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?? i've NEVER had anyone tell me that sincerely before, i've always been a burden or too much or whatever. Anyway, i truly appreciate your feedback and help with this. I truly want this to work and am willing to do anything to love him well and get healthy myself to make this last and work. <3
For future reference, hit "Reply with Quote" when there's a certain person or post you want to reply to, it'll notify said person that you replied to them and avoid any confusion as to who you're talking to :proud: It's at the bottom of any post! Let me show you:



As for your post, I'm very happy to hear you found someone that can help you improve your life so much! All it's going to take is a little trust and patience and everything will work out :heart:
 

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For future reference, hit "Reply with Quote" when there's a certain person or post you want to reply to, it'll notify said person that you replied to them and avoid any confusion as to who you're talking to :proud: It's at the bottom of any post! Let me show you:



As for your post, I'm very happy to hear you found someone that can help you improve your life so much! All it's going to take is a little trust and patience and everything will work out :heart:
Thank you! You're so sweet to help me and i appreciate it a lot! <3 And yes, it is going to take trust and patience, and hopefully some new friends to help along the way. :)
 

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Sounds like he has a few more on the side busy boy
no, he actually withdraws from things as he's an extreme introvert. i actually worry about him when he gets over-socialized, he becomes pretty anti-social and will barely even talk to me. it's something i'd like to understand more so i can be there to help and know when to just give him the space he needs to get back to a good place mentally/emotionally, or if i need to intervene to help him get back to a good place.
 

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no, he actually withdraws from things as he's an extreme introvert. i actually worry about him when he gets over-socialized, he becomes pretty anti-social and will barely even talk to me. it's something i'd like to understand more so i can be there to help and know when to just give him the space he needs to get back to a good place mentally/emotionally, or if i need to intervene to help him get back to a good place.
Extreme introvert eh? He is extroverted enough to hunt for other women when living with his GF
 

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Extreme introvert eh? He is extroverted enough to hunt for other women when living with his GF
i'm not quite sure how this is helpful and you aren't aware of all the details. there is such a thing as being with someone you think is the one and then realizing they may not be and then realizing further that they aren't. i never thought i would be in that situation and yet, here i am. i'm just trying to figure some things out here, thanks.
 

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i'm not quite sure how this is helpful and you aren't aware of all the details. there is such a thing as being with someone you think is the one and then realizing they may not be and then realizing further that they aren't. i never thought i would be in that situation and yet, here i am. i'm just trying to figure some things out here, thanks.
Remember, if he cheated on his GF, He will cheat again probably. Best of luck
 

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i'm not quite sure how this is helpful and you aren't aware of all the details. there is such a thing as being with someone you think is the one and then realizing they may not be and then realizing further that they aren't. i never thought i would be in that situation and yet, here i am. i'm just trying to figure some things out here, thanks.
It does seem like you have very rose-tinted glasses on regarding the ISFJ at the moment. I don't necessarily think he has someone in addition to you presently, but I do think Surreal Snake's point is lucid. I have been in the place of thinking someone is the one and realizing they're not, and I also have been in the place of falling into infatuation and not making good decisions because I was letting my happy-feel neurotransmitters take over my judgment. Right now you're in an unhealthy relationship place and you acknowledge that, but if what you're asking for is just positivity towards you and ISFJ's relationship, unfortunately that just may not necessarily be what is best for either of you. We are here to support you, but it's not clear from your posts that you and ISFJ being together is healthy for either of you now or in the long run. I do want it to work out for you guys but I hope you can try to consider what other people looking at these posts are seeing, too, which is the existence of some very realistic yellow if not red flags. I do think it can happen that you both find each other and fall in love very accidentally while with other people, but if you two are really soulmates, he's not going anywhere, and you have to trust that. You also have to be willing to see his bad side - whatever the reasoning, he did initiate and encourage both of you to cheat on your present partners. Please do try to work on finding some things that stabilize and reward you for your own sake. You want to take care of you and be healthy and happy for you. That way, if he is your soulmate, and he's waited like he promised, he'll get a happy and healthy partner; if he's not, then you're healthy and happy anyway. The key to the whole thing lies in taking care of your own soul. You do that, then regardless of what the future holds, you're going to be ok.
 

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It does seem like you have very rose-tinted glasses on regarding the ISFJ at the moment. I don't necessarily think he has someone in addition to you presently, but I do think Surreal Snake's point is lucid. I have been in the place of thinking someone is the one and realizing they're not, and I also have been in the place of falling into infatuation and not making good decisions because I was letting my happy-feel neurotransmitters take over my judgment. Right now you're in an unhealthy relationship place and you acknowledge that, but if what you're asking for is just positivity towards you and ISFJ's relationship, unfortunately that just may not necessarily be what is best for either of you. We are here to support you, but it's not clear from your posts that you and ISFJ being together is healthy for either of you now or in the long run. I do want it to work out for you guys but I hope you can try to consider what other people looking at these posts are seeing, too, which is the existence of some very realistic yellow if not red flags. I do think it can happen that you both find each other and fall in love very accidentally while with other people, but if you two are really soulmates, he's not going anywhere, and you have to trust that. You also have to be willing to see his bad side - whatever the reasoning, he did initiate and encourage both of you to cheat on your present partners. Please do try to work on finding some things that stabilize and reward you for your own sake. You want to take care of you and be healthy and happy for you. That way, if he is your soulmate, and he's waited like he promised, he'll get a happy and healthy partner; if he's not, then you're healthy and happy anyway. The key to the whole thing lies in taking care of your own soul. You do that, then regardless of what the future holds, you're going to be ok.
You're right. Thank you for being honest. I will think about all that you've said.
 

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i'm not quite sure how this is helpful and you aren't aware of all the details. there is such a thing as being with someone you think is the one and then realizing they may not be and then realizing further that they aren't. i never thought i would be in that situation and yet, here i am. i'm just trying to figure some things out here, thanks.
With all due respect... I don't mean to sound accusatory, but I implore you to analyze the picture as a whole rather than the sum of its parts. What are the chances this becomes a recurring theme? I mean, let's say you and your ISFJ solidify things. You get your divorce and elope with your newfound love. Who's to say it won't happen again later on down the line? Wouldn't it stand to reason that if you fell out of love once before, it's inevitably going to happen again? Are you prepared for the possibility of another fallout? What are you going to do if he "falls out of love" with you? And if so, what's Plan C?
 
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