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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please give me some advice?
Okay so my partner (ESTJ) and I(INFP) have been together for 4 years. She has a niece whom I can't identify (she is 15 and maladjusted). Her niece has always stayed the weekends and such. Well recently she has had more problems at home and has stayed over more.

The past few weekends, I keep noticing my stuff missing. Little stuff like makeup and jewelry and clothes. I was avoiding saying anything because a) I know she will deny it. but more importantly, this girl needs help and I was hoping to figure out a way to mend the situation without creating more friction. Well, I sucked at it.

I caught her walking from my room to the bathroom. I confronted her just as her mom showed up to pick her up. She tripped out and played victim and ran out to the car crying.

What do I do now? I know this girl is going through "rough teenage years" and she is in desperate need of guidance and love BUT I can't just do nothing while she shops in my room every chance she gets like it's a freekin beauty supply store.

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Ok, so now that she has indeed done something wrong. Then reduce the visits and so forth. i.e. find a way to stop her from doing the stealing. The only way I can see this is if she cannot or is not allowed to stay over for a short period of time.

Let her stew on her own actions for a bit. But, to bring her round and to encourage her to be honest, and so forth, she has to have felt loved and be loved back. So, if she is going through that stage of where she wants to be curious about herself, and her own identity, and is using make up to achieve that. Maybe you can get her a nice set of present to represent this in her next birthday or holiday? i.e. writing a more direct note, but without the direct confrontation, cos she may be embarrassed by it. Since you already know that she has done what she did, skirt between the line when you write that note.

Slowly see if she uses the make up and is happy with it, and when you do see her next, you gotta make her feel comfortable in being with it. The thing is to bring her confidence and trust back in you also as an adult too. Maybe it also helps if you have already let go of this first before helping her, otherwise you may hit yourself harder this way and resent her faster than anything.

I remember also stealing as well when I was a kid. I think it was a bowl with some small changes in it. I remember connecting the dot, of taking these pennies and going to the sweet shop to buy things ! I cannot recall if my dad did caught me out, or my gran-dad did. But I do remember slowly stopping this. Cos I knew then it was somewhat wrong. As a young child of 6 or 7, where do I get the money from ? I think I got questioned as well from the shop owner... Oops.

You have to remember what it likes to be a child. She is not "playing victim" than she is "scared". When she is scared, she probably do the next best thing even as adults do, which is to take care of herself, of her own identity, and so forth. In this case, that classic female thing of "looking after yourself and your beauty". This is why she is doing this. To gain acceptance and love again. I mean, I would sit on this a little bit, and then talk to your partner about this and how you should handle this.

Maybe it is worth your while to actually talk to the mom, when the worst is blown over in their household first, and when the time is right. For now, she may have more and more things going on in her own household such that she possibly need better time in order to feel safe again. If she has to stay again, then put a lock on the door, but continue "as is" ? I think she will know then that she has done wrong, cos the method to do that something again has been removed from her access. This is maybe a more mature way to deal with it. Since, this is how we deal with things in IT ! You do wrong, you do not get access to it again until you are trusted. : /
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