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Discussion Starter #1
*Warning* This is a long story.

I am going to see a psychologist soon, but I'm still going crazy in the meantime and I thought who could better understand my position and give advice than my fellow INFP's?? Admittedly, I know I'm so wrong..but please try not to judge too harshly..

So here's the scoop. I'm dating a military guy. We got together in the summer of 2008, and it was pretty perfect. He left for boot camp a month later, and I didn't see him until Christmas. That was fine with both of us, we were too much in love for the distance to be a problem. Anyway, that time we saw each other we had sex for the first time and I got a promise ring. Next time I was him was end of February/beginning of March. It was still good then.

Then, I stayed with him for a month the summer of 2009. Toward the middle of it we began to have problems. I was doing all I could to make him happy, but in the middle of my stay, he told me "I don't know if you're the one." This was extremely painful especially since I had to sleep next to him at night..while knowing he didn't know if he wanted me or not. A couple days later he said he knew the answer, that he wanted to come home to me every day. Much rejoicing on my part.

But after that, I had a hard time getting as much affection from him as I wanted. When I was only there for a week longer he would do things like stay on his computer for hours looking on craigslist. And he didn't seem to want me as much sexually though I did all I could to make him interested. He was just really distant. And my last day there he didn't seem to care at all that I was leaving. In fact, as we were waiting in the airport parking lot, he started drumming his fingers. He does fidgetty things like that when he's impatient, so I said, "You want me to go don't you?" And he said "Kinda." So I left and cried almost the whole way home.

A week later, I freaked out because I didn't want to not be shown love from the person I was with so I broke up with him, even though I loved him. And I couldn't stand it, so immediately afterwards I begged for him back, and he said no. About a week later, he wanted me back. So of course, we get back together.

He came home in October, and I was completely on the back burner. He hadn't told anyone we had gotten back together and was doing everything he could to see his friends and I had to try to get him to see me. In fact I woke out of some seriously needed sleep, was horribly sick, and got out of bed at 10:30 at night to see him cuz he invited me to pizza with some friends.

After he left, he felt bad about how he had treated me, and warmed up a little, and stopped hiding me from everyone. But things just continued to feel lacking in the love and affection department for me.

We decided I would move in with him at the end of December, pretty much on my birthday. But at the beginning of December, all hell broke loose. I was in a class that had us doing a huge group project, so everyone in my group continuously emailed each other for about a month. Toward the end of it, I had gotten to know one guy better because when we talked about class, conversations about anything and everything just popped up randomly and easily. And then I noticed I began talking to him more than my boyfriend. I was pissed that he wasn't giving me attention, so I thought it was harmless until I ended up feeling something for the guy. And then I started being pulled in opposite directions. And I picked the new guy. It was completely promising, while the old relationship seemed hopeless. But what I didn't expect is my boyfriend made it so hard for me to let him go. He fought so hard for me, even though I thought he didn't care. And I could tell I hurt him so bad. It hurt me too. Especially when he told me he just was always too tired from work to talk much (he had the worst hours) and that he had been planning to ask me to marry him when I came. But it was too late.

To make an already long story somewhat shorter, the new relationship didn't last. He understood me like no one else and his kisses were complete magic, but he felt trapped or something and became distant after a month or two, and blew up on me for no reason. We broke up with him disrespecting me worse than I ever had been in my life, and I didn't deserve it. It made me think of how my ex would never disrespect me like that. And how he was really such a good guy, and I'd wronged him so badly, and that I wouldn't have completely burnt that bridge if I hadn't felt so pushed. So I offered to come see my ex (he wanted me to come before I made the decision to break up with him, and I refused :sad:) and give him explanation and try to make friends at least. For some reason, he said yes, even though I'd hurt him so bad (I broke up with him on christmas for God's sake.. :( ..)

So I went and we sorta ended up back together even though I still sort of wanted my ex. I went home, tried to see if my ex wanted to be friends, he refused, and so I went back to see my ex, and got back together with him. Blocked all contact with the guy so I could be with my boyfriend. For about 6 months stayed with him a little more often than at home, but began to struggle again with not feeling like I was shown enough love. This unhappiness in my relationship continued until about a month or two ago when he began showing me all the love I could ask for (even though I can't see him in person now), and told me he was ready to settle down, and spend the rest of his life with me. God that guy loves me so much, I can tell. And it means twice as much when I can see it because he's normally a guy you have to prod to make him divulge his feelings. And as my mom pointed out, this is a lasting change, because if he was just trying to placate me, it would have lasted a week of less.

So now that he is giving me all I could ask for, all that I've wanted, there's one problem. I see my ex around and I still have feelings for him. At first I just wanted the war to end and I told him I was single. I normally don't lie, but I knew how much he hated my boyfriend and I didn't want to spend the semester avoiding him and having an anxiety attack whenever I failed to. I figured if he knew I was dating him, it would be worse on me. Wrong. Now he has apologized for mistreating me and wants me back and I have to come up with excuses as to why I don't want to be with him, when both of us can tell I still have feelings for him to. And at this point, telling him the truth would be WAAAAAAAY worse on me than if I'd just let him hate me for being with my boyfriend. And I don't want to tell him the truth at this point. I figure if I just move to Guam ASAP (that's where my boyfriend is about to be stationed) and disappear randomly it would be better for everyone involved.

So my dilemma is, I have feelings for someone other than my boyfriend, and I don't want him out of my life completely. But on the other hand, my boyfriend is such a good guy, and he is finally putting in the effort I wanted, and we're beginning to understand each other better and how to work together for our relationship, and he'd always respect me and care about me. And he wants to seal the deal, and so do I, but what about these other feelings?? I feel like I don't deserve someone like my boyfriend because of them, but I am trying to do the right thing by getting away from the guy and cutting him off completely very soon, as soon as I don't have to see him anymore.

I'm a little freaked out because I sometimes want this other guy, when I know it would never last. Is this just happening to me because I got to know him too well and the past is biting me in the ass? Or am I cheating-prone? I don't want to be :sad: Does anyone have something to say that would help get my head on straight about all this? I feel like a basket case just about every other day. Please help!
 

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It doesn't sound like you feel truly fulfilled with either of these guys. It also sounds like you might have some insecurity issues. These need to be looked into and straightened out, to the best of your ability, before you can be in a relationship as serious as you're talking. It can be very difficult and unpleasant to try to maintain a relationship when one or both of people involved is insecure and often feeling unloved. It seems like you're being a little hasty in wanting to "seal the deal", and that also tells me of your insecurity. Marriage, if that's what you meant by sealing the deal, happens for different reasons for a lot of people, but I think the reason that helps mold a marriage that lasts is not haste and a desire for security, but rather true understanding of one another, real happiness, and the ability to work out conflict in a way that is beneficial to both involved. It sounds like you want this relationship or marriage more for the security rather than love and understanding, and I'm telling you now, you will probably regret it.

But it's not just you. Neither of these guys seem to be a good fit for you, all of the other things aside. I know love is not perfect, and I know there will always be difficulties, but I also know that love is much more beautiful than what you seem to have described. I think you should take a break, figure things out on your own (do not let either one of these guys influence you during this process) and try to go from there. You sound pretty perturbed by all of this, and I know there is potential for much more happiness down the road for you, if you take a minute to realize it, and do the work necessary to get there.

You and your cat are incredibly cute, by the way :)
 

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what type is this guy? I want to put him into a box so I can pull some confirmation bias and calm anxieties.
 

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I agree with Gem, sounds like dude your with isn't everything you want him to be, you keep saying he's a good guy which makes me think you feel sorry for him and want to sacrifice your own happiness for his. On the other hand, the guy that you're still attracted to sounds like he didn't treat you right, and isn't your ideal guy either. I'm sorry you're having conflicting feelings, and I don't blame you for wanting to be with both, but moving to Guam or getting married is not the right choice at this juncture. I would suggest taking time, maybe alone, maybe with your guy, and telling both of them the truth. This doesn't mean saying it bluntly, rather, tell boyfriend you're feeling confused and not ready to seal the deal, and tell dude you still like him but it's not gonna happen right now.
 

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Thanks guys. My boyfriend is ISxx (he scored evenly on the last two). All the time I would half jokingly/half seriously tell him he's like a statue, because I can't read him and it's hard to get into his person and find out how he thinks and feels. He's not too big of a talker, which is the main thing that is making me unsatisfied, especially after experiencing a guy who was incredibly so (the other guy). But my mom told me "That's what your friends are for." And I think she has somewhat of a point; when my girl friend came to visit me in South Carolina when I was staying with my boyfriend this summer, I was soooo much happier. But at the same time, I want some level of good communication with the one I'm with. And my boyfriend and I seem to be just figuring out how to do that, so I don't want to just up and leave.

That's really my only complaint with my boyfriend. Besides his taste in music and perhaps he isn't the greatest looking guy in the world, but I've never had any problem being attracted to him, so yeah.

As far as the other guy, I've never connected on such an intimate level talking with anyone. It's was completely fulfilling. We spend hours and hours and hours talking in his car numerous times and keeping each other up late talking about everything under the sun, mundane to deep. And some pretty electric kisses which I doubt could ever be recreated among two people (jk..but I bet you it's extremely rare for them to feel THAT good). His downside is he broke up with me randomly when I hadn't even done anything, he even admits this. Yes, he's sorry, and yes I forgave him, but I wouldn't trust him to stay with me. And after he said such things to me, he doesn't really deserve any benefits either, but I'm not that kind of girl anyway. Especially not since I am with someone. It kind of sucks having the look but don't touch rule going on though..

I guess my inability to read my boyfriend contributes to the lack of chemistry, which isn't an issue with the other guy. So I agree that he doesn't quite satisfy me (otherwise I wouldn't be feeling torn at all). However, if I break up with my boyfriend to find myself, it's over for good because 1. he doesn't want to wait and 2. he's sure I'd end up with someone else and if certain things happened between me and another guy, he says he wouldn't take me back. And it seems like too much of a shame for me to break up with him right now because it is just starting to get really good, and the change seems lasting, and I would like the opportunity to find out if it's what I want.

As for marriage..some days it sounds good, because I know he'd always be good to me, he'd be a good father, and lots of other good qualities which others seem to lack these days. Other times, I freak out and want to move to Zimbabwe and get away from all the drama I created. In other words, some days I am scared shitless and know I'm not ready for it. But I'd at least like to see..that's why I am in sort of a rush to go to Guam. It'd get me away from overwhelming temptations and allow me to breathe and see what's up with the relationship I'm in. Because I really can't do that very well from a distance...

As for insecurity, yes. This is why I need a shrink. I mean, one of many.. lol I'm making myself sound like a psycho..*slaps forehead*:tongue:
 
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