Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
141 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I hope some of you can maybe help me to better deal with my wife when she gets upset. She tested as an ENTJ and I believe she fits that type pretty well. When she is happy she is tolerable with some outbursts that I have learned to deal with, but when she gets upset over something she drives me f-ing crazy. The problem is when she gets upset she dosent care who hears her or sees her and in my opinion makes us both look like fools. I was raised in the complete opposite way where acting like that is hugely looked down on so it gets under my skin quite a bit. She has a photographic memory and is a 4.0 Nursing Student so she is very sharp. When she throws a tantrum she just buries me under all sorts of reasonings to support her and my problem is they are very logical and I cant argue to save my life. I am getting better at it though as I am now getting lots of practice :( One thing that she told me really upsets her is when she throws a fit and vents to me I always answer with a more rational explaination of the situation which she interprets as me ALWAYS taking the other person's side. When I hear a one sided arguement like that though it strikes a nerve with me and I cant stand it, let alone agreeing with it. Also when she is venting she always is asking me to provide an answer but then completely discounts it and ends up asking the same questions over and over again. She definately drives herself crazy as well as me and acts like everyone is out to get her all the time or she is being somewhow treated less than everyone else. Any pointers for me? thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
141 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
What the heck lol, I just noticed there is a sticky for this sort of question. Is there any way I can get it moved?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,780 Posts
Yeah doesn't strike me as an ENTJ to me either. If you're providing a rational explanation to the situation, an ENTJ would welcome it rather than outright reject it. I would say ESFJ as well. Her Ti probably isn't as well-developed as yours (yours is actually pretty good). Another explanation could be that she's an ESTJ with a temper. My grandpa is an ESTJ, and he used to have a temper. He used to rage about stuff, but he was generally very logical about the situation, and you could rarely say he was wrong. I would say that his tantrums were overreactions rather than being downright irrational.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
I hope some of you can maybe help me to better deal with my wife when she gets upset. She tested as an ENTJ and I believe she fits that type pretty well. When she is happy she is tolerable with some outbursts that I have learned to deal with, but when she gets upset over something she drives me f-ing crazy. The problem is when she gets upset she dosent care who hears her or sees her and in my opinion makes us both look like fools. I was raised in the complete opposite way where acting like that is hugely looked down on so it gets under my skin quite a bit. She has a photographic memory and is a 4.0 Nursing Student so she is very sharp. When she throws a tantrum she just buries me under all sorts of reasonings to support her and my problem is they are very logical and I cant argue to save my life. I am getting better at it though as I am now getting lots of practice :( One thing that she told me really upsets her is when she throws a fit and vents to me I always answer with a more rational explaination of the situation which she interprets as me ALWAYS taking the other person's side. When I hear a one sided arguement like that though it strikes a nerve with me and I cant stand it, let alone agreeing with it. Also when she is venting she always is asking me to provide an answer but then completely discounts it and ends up asking the same questions over and over again. She definately drives herself crazy as well as me and acts like everyone is out to get her all the time or she is being somewhow treated less than everyone else. Any pointers for me? thanks.
I've never known ENTJs (even myself) to consistently have outbursts or tantrums. A close ENTJ lady friend of mine and I, tend to be really level headed but brutally condescending when enraged. Never tantrums...I think the last tantrum I had was when I was a young kid.

I don't think she is an ENFP, because they are very open to logical alternatives to their interpretation of the situation.

ENFJs have tantrums, but they tend to have a bit more...caution about how they have their tantrums and are EXTREMELY apologetic when faced with a logical push back.

I'm thinking ESFJ also.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,780 Posts
@ruger141 One thing that occurs to me...well it requires the statement of observations first. I have noticed a lot with SJs that they generally like a certain level of control over a situation, some more than others. When they lose control of a situation, they tend to lash out in a manner proportional to how much they believe they should have control over said situation. It strikes me as a possibility that this is what's happening here. What triggers your kissy-friend's temper tantrums?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
An ENTJ nurse?


Eh, Im inclined to say ESFJ or ENFJ or maybe an ENFP.

EDIT: This conclusion was reached based on the description. Not ENTJ as a nurse. Though, I can't picture it. I'm in food service and I HATE it. Having to care for sick strangers? ALL HELL NAW.
My Mom is an ENTJ nurse, but she doesn't enjoy floor nursing. She works as a manager in a pediatric office and she enjoys that a lot more...it's more of an office job. When she worked in other areas of nursing, she was always supervisor or director of nursing.
 

·
fire breathing dragon
Joined
·
2,810 Posts
My Mom is an ENTJ nurse, but she doesn't enjoy floor nursing. She works as a manager in a pediatric office and she enjoys that a lot more...it's more of an office job. When she worked in other areas of nursing, she was always supervisor or director of nursing.
Yea I wanted to say I could see an ENTJ nursing supervisor but not some doting nurse. I can tell people how they should care for other people, but I don't necessarily want to do it. Id have to have feelings for a person to care about their well being.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,299 Posts
Any pointers for me? thanks.
Not trying to be funny but either an anger management class or therapy. It is difficult to have a rational conversation with someone who is enraged and having a temper tantrum. Sounds like she would benefit from professional help to guide her to the source of her anger regardless of what type she is.

Or it could be biological reasons because some diets make people more easily tempered than others. Good luck based on just *your* side of the story...it seems like you are walking on eggshells....which sounds a little more like the behavior is attributed to type bipolar than any specific MBTI type. Again, not trying to be funny here and am basing it solely on *your* side of the story as presented above.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Yea I wanted to say I could see an ENTJ nursing supervisor but not some doting nurse. I can tell people how they should care for other people, but I don't necessarily want to do it. Id have to have feelings for a person to care about their well being.
I think that might be why she's chosen the areas of nursing she has.

In her 20's she did labor and delivery...she had 1 patient per shift, coaching the mother through her birth. She makes comments about how annoying it was for her to deal with the women who were afraid to push. She would tell them to push as hard as they could and many wouldn't listen. She also said she couldn't stand it when women screamed out of fear (screaming through the pain was tolerable to her because the woman was fighting). She said she would tell them that screaming because they're scared is a waste of energy and they might be scaring their baby, haha. Putting it like that, it makes her sound like she must've been awful, but she's actually got a way with words and she has a very friendly face and smile. Plus, a lot of women need a strong presence like that during birth and not someone who will coddle them.

I think pediatrics works for her because children are innocent. She enjoys the elderly too...again, I think it's the fact that they are vulnerable. She likes to protect the weak. She doesn't have any patience for anyone in between childhood and geriatric :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
141 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Hmm I guess I didnt expect those responses but thank you it has me thinking now. Also maybe the word Tantrum is not the most accurate one to use. When she gets upset she doesn’t start jumping up and down yelling or punching a wall or something but rather snaps at the person very harshly or is extremely rude. I think I should mention that I have a difficult time explaining things so maybe I should just give an example. She can find something she wants in a store and get up to the counter and try to use a 20% coupon off with it and if the cashier says that it doesn’t qualify for it then she sharply says I don’t want it, starts fuming and says lets go and leaves and will even leave other things she had to buy as well. Then she will have like 5 things to say about how stupid that was and how it didn’t make sense and how stupid the cashier was and give examples and so on. Another example, She just graduated nursing school and got a job doing Home Care with the help of a family friend who is a manager with the company. While working there I had to hear non stop how everyone was doing things wrong and she was getting screwed over by things like people not training her well enough, her getting more patients than they said she would or when hers canceled on her and the company found some other ones for her in areas she was not supposed to have to go to, she bitched up a storm to me about how it was all so unfair. I would tell her things like well they are trying to find you patients so you can still make some money today but that enraged her. You know the more I think about it the absolute biggest theme I see with her when she gets all upset is her being treated unfairly by others. She keeps an impeccable tally of things she does for others and expects to see those things back but always feels that she is not getting them. I also cant really trust her versions of things that happened because she twists things very cleverly to make it fit her view of how it should be. I have begun telling her how she could be a good lawyer lol because of how well she can argue something even if she is totally wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
568 Posts
I hope some of you can maybe help me to better deal with my wife when she gets upset. She tested as an ENTJ and I believe she fits that type pretty well. When she is happy she is tolerable with some outbursts that I have learned to deal with, but when she gets upset over something she drives me f-ing crazy. The problem is when she gets upset she dosent care who hears her or sees her and in my opinion makes us both look like fools. I was raised in the complete opposite way where acting like that is hugely looked down on so it gets under my skin quite a bit. She has a photographic memory and is a 4.0 Nursing Student so she is very sharp. When she throws a tantrum she just buries me under all sorts of reasonings to support her and my problem is they are very logical and I cant argue to save my life. I am getting better at it though as I am now getting lots of practice :( One thing that she told me really upsets her is when she throws a fit and vents to me I always answer with a more rational explaination of the situation which she interprets as me ALWAYS taking the other person's side. When I hear a one sided arguement like that though it strikes a nerve with me and I cant stand it, let alone agreeing with it. Also when she is venting she always is asking me to provide an answer but then completely discounts it and ends up asking the same questions over and over again. She definately drives herself crazy as well as me and acts like everyone is out to get her all the time or she is being somewhow treated less than everyone else. Any pointers for me? thanks.
Hmm... I suppose you could start with talking to her when she's in a good mood. If you don't like that she has a tantrum in public, tell her that. When she starts coming up with rational/logical reasons for her behavior, stop her dead in her tracks. She should respect you as her husband when you say "I do not like it when you do XXXX. It embarrasses me and I want you to work on that." If she starts losing it, leave the room. Leave the house. Come back an hour later and try to talk to her again. She's an adult isn't she? Your wife must learn to control herself around you when she's upset.

She may need individual therapy, which can work if she's willing to put effort in to becoming a more functioning, balanced individual when she gets hot under the collar. Marriage counseling could also work if both of you are willing to work out problems mutually.

Best of luck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,780 Posts
Hmm I guess I didnt expect those responses but thank you it has me thinking now. Also maybe the word Tantrum is not the most accurate one to use. When she gets upset she doesn’t start jumping up and down yelling or punching a wall or something but rather snaps at the person very harshly or is extremely rude. I think I should mention that I have a difficult time explaining things so maybe I should just give an example. She can find something she wants in a store and get up to the counter and try to use a 20% coupon off with it and if the cashier says that it doesn’t qualify for it then she sharply says I don’t want it, starts fuming and says lets go and leaves and will even leave other things she had to buy as well. Then she will have like 5 things to say about how stupid that was and how it didn’t make sense and how stupid the cashier was and give examples and so on. Another example, She just graduated nursing school and got a job doing Home Care with the help of a family friend who is a manager with the company. While working there I had to hear non stop how everyone was doing things wrong and she was getting screwed over by things like people not training her well enough, her getting more patients than they said she would or when hers canceled on her and the company found some other ones for her in areas she was not supposed to have to go to, she bitched up a storm to me about how it was all so unfair. I would tell her things like well they are trying to find you patients so you can still make some money today but that enraged her. You know the more I think about it the absolute biggest theme I see with her when she gets all upset is her being treated unfairly by others. She keeps an impeccable tally of things she does for others and expects to see those things back but always feels that she is not getting them. I also cant really trust her versions of things that happened because she twists things very cleverly to make it fit her view of how it should be. I have begun telling her how she could be a good lawyer lol because of how well she can argue something even if she is totally wrong.
Definitely sounds like an Ne/Si user, and I am leaning towards Si being the dominant of the two. Regardless of her type, she isn't a healthy one. That isn't to say that she's a bad person, but I was a cashier for a total of a year and 2 months and there was only one time someone freaked out over a discount (incidentally, it was because he actually did get a discount). That type of behavior isn't healthy in any human being. Like what was said earlier, counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,853 Posts
I will say this. ENTJ and ISFJ is almost the worst natural pairing. Even if this individual were in a good mental state, it's almost inevitable that you'd clash. Te/Ni vs Si/Fe wouldn't be an even fight, so you would predictably come away thinking she were mean, rude, and uses twisted logic.

My dealings with healthy ISFJs have been fraught with very similar experiences. My mother is ISFJ, and my friend's wife is ISFJ. My mother always thinks I'm cruel and vicious when I'm angry, mainly because I am. I don't get angry a lot, though, and I have a reasonable fuse burn before I blow up. My friend's wife sees me as manipulative and a facts-twister, mainly because of her Si-dominance. Since the concepts she has internalized MUST be right, my compelling arguments are "twisting the facts."

I'm not ruling out a mistype. ESTJs test as ENTJs quite often. However, she could well be one. Good communication is important. Firmly establish the fact that her behavior is a problem for you before you go calling the psych ward. You'll have to convince her that it's a good idea first.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
It sounds very like a problem I was having with my entj friend.

ENTJ Personal Growth

It sounds to me like you are doing everything right to help her grow as an entj. She might not like hearing what you have to say, but you are doing her good by saying it. She'll thank you for opening her eyes to something that is very difficult/impossible for her to see on her own.
 

·
mafia mod
Joined
·
13,334 Posts
She seems to have the "the world owes me something" attitude, and loves to draw attention to herself.

First, dont reward the behavior. When she starts in walk away and dont say a word.

Later when she has calmed down, give her a reality check. Mentioning that some times things dont go our way and that we have to deal with it. Ask her what good the tally is going to do; and what is it going to accomplish. You can go from there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,102 Posts
This is NOT an ENTJ problem, but a classic man/woman husband/wife relationship problem. Here is a tip - she doesn't want your advice, she just wants you to listen:

While working there I had to hear non stop how everyone was doing things wrong and she was getting screwed over by things like people not training her well enough, her getting more patients than they said she would or when hers canceled on her and the company found some other ones for her in areas she was not supposed to have to go to, she bitched up a storm to me about how it was all so unfair.
I would tell her things like well they are trying to find you patients so you can still make some money today but that enraged her
Don't do that. Just nod your head and ask a question to keep her talking about her "problems". Something like "who is responsible for finding you cases?" or "what do they teach at that training?"

The real problem is to avoid asking questions that highlight the fact you aren't listening.

"Oh, so its so and so's fault?"

"No, what are you talking about... are you even listening to me?" (busted)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
I was thinking that perhaps this is more of an enneagram thing. Don't unhealthy 2's do this? They want to do for others, but get angry and upset when they don't get something in return?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
141 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Awesome lots of great responses, thanks a lot guys for all the input. One thing that I do have is a ton of is patience so we will work this through. I have no problem proposing talking to a counsler or someone of the like if it comes to that. It not ususally bad just when she gets stressed it comes out on everyone else as she recounts every bad thing that has ever happened and links them all together. I guess you cant learn to overcome things in life without experiencing problems first hand so I'm going to take some of these sugestions and apply them, thanks.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top