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Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone!

Yes, I know, I'm an ENTP posting on an INTJ forum. If this was Vegas, I would be shot. Whatever.

I am writing here today because I have recently acquired an INTJ boyfriend. He's wonderful, and our relationship has been very intellectually stimulating, but I am kind of at a loss as to how to show affection towards him in a way he would appreciate.

The things I've been doing so far have included spending time with him, participating in things that he likes but I wouldn't usually go to (ComicCon, Renaissance Fairs, the works), listening to him wholeheartedly, and the occasional homemade gift (I like to make things out of other things).

What should I be doing? Am I doing anything wrong? In what way do you feel loved/appreciated?

Thanks!
 

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If your relationship is an intellectually stimulating one, you've got a lot of your bases covered already. It's great that you are trying out some of his hobbies with him, I'm sure that he appreciates that a lot. Thoughtful, homemade gifts are always nice to receive as well.

Is there any reason why you think that he is not feeling your affection? It sounds like you're doing a great job. I don't think that most INTJ s are terribly demanding partners once you've caught our attention... at least in terms of something like this.

The only thing that I can think to add is physical affection, but I assume that you've already figured that one out on your own.

For myself, my strongest love languages are quality time, physical affection, and words of affirmation.
 

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I'm not sure ENTPs would be shot by INTJs as that could be a lot of work. :wink:

Anyway, I'd probably go down the route of trying different Love Languages and seeing what gets the best reaction of Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Word of Affirmation. While you are doing some of these, I'd suggest discussing which work better than others. While this can be a delicate conversation, it would probably improve things in a sense as this way you'd have a better idea of what things to combine.

For myself, Physical Touch and Quality Time would be my top two love languages. Thus, I'd probably want some quiet cuddling time. Course I can also enjoy having my brain picked though this can be a bit of a tricky thing as whatever subject was used as the backdrop of the brain picking I may come back and inquire what happened.
 

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I'm not sure that affection is going to ever truly be at the forefront of an ENTP-INTJ relationship - at least not in the ways that both partners expect. This is, in other words, one of the asymptotes/challenges of the pairing. ENTP and INTJ are functional opposites, despite having similar interests and life rhythms - which means the information they're going to expect from each other is in the same language at the same times (N, T, F, S), but in an opposite way (e, i, e, i vs. i, e, i, e). As one progresses through the less-comfortable functions of both types, it becomes obvious that the more "affectionate" functions (Fe and Fi) are weaker, and expressed differently for both.

Obviously affection doesn't have to involve Feeling, but it seems like that's what you're looking for in this case, so it may be a good idea to re-focus your mutual idea of "affection" towards something both of you can do as mediated by stronger functions. ENTP are touchy with Fi, and INTJ are touchy with Fe - it's the #1 cause of frustration between these two, and I've seen it a dozen times. 'Tis better for both to be "okay" with the intellectual/stimulative nature of the relationship riding tops, and funneling emotion elsewhere, since the emotional component will bring out the weaknesses of both.
 

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-You seem to be doing just fine by being yourself, OP.

-The only way to know if you're doing something "wrong" would be to ask the INTJ in question. After all, love languages vary.

-Personally speaking, I am very accommodating when it comes to how others express affection, even if it does not match my own methods. Unless it involves heavy doses of "mushy" conversation...
 

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Physical affection is a big one for me as well.

I have a good friend who is a strong Ne user and I love our conversations A LOT, but when she finally shuts up for a second and gives me a hug is when I really feel loved. Lol

I wonder why that is?
 

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I just ask my INTJ what he wants. Given enough time to think about it, he's very forthcoming. I do give him a time limit to get back to me on it, otherwise he'll think for days.
 

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Hi everyone!

Yes, I know, I'm an ENTP posting on an INTJ forum. If this was Vegas, I would be shot. Whatever.

I am writing here today because I have recently acquired an INTJ boyfriend. He's wonderful, and our relationship has been very intellectually stimulating, but I am kind of at a loss as to how to show affection towards him in a way he would appreciate.

The things I've been doing so far have included spending time with him, participating in things that he likes but I wouldn't usually go to (ComicCon, Renaissance Fairs, the works), listening to him wholeheartedly, and the occasional homemade gift (I like to make things out of other things).

What should I be doing? Am I doing anything wrong? In what way do you feel loved/appreciated?

Thanks!
I would just ask him. It's better to know for certain than to assume everything is ok.

Acts of Service and Quality Time are my two love languages.
 

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Hi everyone!

Yes, I know, I'm an ENTP posting on an INTJ forum. If this was Vegas, I would be shot. Whatever.

I am writing here today because I have recently acquired an INTJ boyfriend. He's wonderful, and our relationship has been very intellectually stimulating, but I am kind of at a loss as to how to show affection towards him in a way he would appreciate.

The things I've been doing so far have included spending time with him, participating in things that he likes but I wouldn't usually go to (ComicCon, Renaissance Fairs, the works), listening to him wholeheartedly, and the occasional homemade gift (I like to make things out of other things).

What should I be doing? Am I doing anything wrong? In what way do you feel loved/appreciated?

Thanks!
Are you sure you aren't actually asking how you can get your INTJ to become more emotionally expressive in your relationship, rather than what you can do to make him more appreciative? Because from what you've said so far in this thread, it sounds like you are already doing quite a lot for him, or at the very least, putting a fair amount of thought into conveying your feelings to him. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised (whether you consciously know it, or not) that part of the reason why you are being so attentive to him is because you want to have a similar "treatment" recognized and reciprocated by him. As the old axiom goes: "if you like someone, treat them the way you want to be treated." Right?

In all actuality, he has probably already been reciprocating those emotions that you've been expressing to him, just in a way that you don't realize. However, if you really do think that he might be emotionally stagnant, it would never hurt to simply talk to him about it. Don't be be taken aback though if he is surprised by this, because in his mind his feelings probably seem very evident (especially if he has never been in a serious relationship before). I think every INTJ probably experiences this in at least their first serious relationship. We just aren't naturally very explicitly expressive in that way.

Chances are though, he does appreciate you a good deal. If he's physically affectionate, has good sex with you and spends a lot of time with you, than he definitely likes you and you don't have to worry about it. You mentioned too that you have good intellectual conversations together. In my mind that pretty much seals the deal. Any reasonably attractive girl (basically, anyone with a vagina who isn't also fat or disfigured) immediately receives my attention, affections and appreciation if she can make me think. I'm sure he probably likes you a lot. I would just talk to him about expressing that more often with you and in a way that is helpful to your understanding. Naive INTJs tend to assume their thoughts and feelings are readily conveyed to the people who know them, via their actions and the implications that they carry for us (letting you come to his conventions/activities with him, talking to you on a daily basis, talking to you at all...). Help him to understand that this is rarely the case and you will be much happier, because he'll undoubtedly be willing to work at that side of himself, if you also make the effort to work with him (and aren't pushy). And by work on your part, I mean be super sweet to him (because he'll be uncomfortable) and have sex all the time.

Also, remind him that despite being a logical person (you're an ENTP, so I'm assuming you're reasonably logical) you are still also a girl and carry around more emotions than he will ever likely experience or understand in his entire lifetime. Help him to realize that and he'll appreciate it in the long run, especially when you start showing that side of yourself (like right now in this thread).

Best of luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
BallsAway, you may be right. I would appreciate a bit more reciprocation, and I will talk to him about it. This is his first real relationship, so I've been taking it slowly and not "being pushy" (as far as I can tell). I'm kind of new at this, like he is, and am terrible at expressing emotion, so I was also making sure that I was expressing my affection in ways that would be noticeable to him, which I think you said that I was.

Your post was very helpful to me, and I really appreciate the time you obviously took in writing it. Thank you! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Is there any reason why you think that he is not feeling your affection? It sounds like you're doing a great job. I don't think that most INTJ s are terribly demanding partners once you've caught our attention... at least in terms of something like this.
oh, INTJs, I love the way you guys over analyze the things I say. But you're right, I think that he may not be feeling my affection because he's not reciprocating in a way that I understand. I suppose I'm just more emotionally needy (as much as I hate to admit that) than he is.

I'm also kind of terrible at expressing affection, so I was just making sure I was doing it right. :tongue:
 

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Discussion Starter #12
-You seem to be doing just fine by being yourself, OP.

-The only way to know if you're doing something "wrong" would be to ask the INTJ in question. After all, love languages vary.

-Personally speaking, I am very accommodating when it comes to how others express affection, even if it does not match my own methods. Unless it involves heavy doses of "mushy" conversation...
Thank you! And I try to stay away from "mushy conversation", it's uncomfortable for the both of us and is avoided unless absolutely necessary. ;)
 

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-You seem to be doing just fine by being yourself, OP.

-The only way to know if you're doing something "wrong" would be to ask the INTJ in question. After all, love languages vary.

-Personally speaking, I am very accommodating when it comes to how others express affection, even if it does not match my own methods. Unless it involves heavy doses of "mushy" conversation...
Absolutely true in my opinion. I can just add a few more things which actually might only be true for me.

- Do not push. The more someone pushes the more I feel like someone is invading my space.
- We might not be very emotionally expressive at first but we do feel. I for my part have strong feelings but tend to rationalize them to death. From my experience and from what I've read here so far many of us express emotions through music. Either we listen to it or we play it. It would be interesting if you would take some of his favourite songs and try to understand what he feels when listening to it. (Or maybe I'm just crazy. But in this part of the forums who isn't?)

Anyway good luck!
 

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Hi everyone!

Yes, I know, I'm an ENTP posting on an INTJ forum. If this was Vegas, I would be shot. Whatever.

I am writing here today because I have recently acquired an INTJ boyfriend. He's wonderful, and our relationship has been very intellectually stimulating, but I am kind of at a loss as to how to show affection towards him in a way he would appreciate.

The things I've been doing so far have included spending time with him, participating in things that he likes but I wouldn't usually go to (ComicCon, Renaissance Fairs, the works), listening to him wholeheartedly, and the occasional homemade gift (I like to make things out of other things).

What should I be doing? Am I doing anything wrong? In what way do you feel loved/appreciated?

Thanks!
For myself there is nothing I love more than having an intellectually stimulating conversations on a regular basis that challenge me to think in new ways and from new perspectives. Another thing with me is honesty and authenticity is extremely important to me. If you do something I like and are miserable doing it, I will not have fun either.
 

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The things I've been doing so far have included spending time with him, participating in things that he likes but I wouldn't usually go to (ComicCon, Renaissance Fairs, the works), listening to him wholeheartedly, and the occasional homemade gift (I like to make things out of other things).
I've previously had the reverse of your situation - INTJ lady with an ENTP boy - so my experience is a little different but hopefully still helpful. I think you're off to a good start here. One of the most endearing things my ENTP did was not only coming to stuff I enjoyed, but actively finding slightly geeky things to do together, even though he wasn't much of a geek. Importantly, it shows not just that you're willing to participate with us in our interests, but you're not judging us for having those interests.

I know the others have talked about physical affection, but I'd be a bit careful about your timing. I don't like physically clingy people, and am often only reciprocal to affection in the right setting. A good time is either in a 'standard' romantic setting (like after one of you has made dinner or something) or else when you've had an amazingly mentally stimulating conversation or experience.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I've previously had the reverse of your situation - INTJ lady with an ENTP boy - so my experience is a little different but hopefully still helpful. I think you're off to a good start here. One of the most endearing things my ENTP did was not only coming to stuff I enjoyed, but actively finding slightly geeky things to do together, even though he wasn't much of a geek. Importantly, it shows not just that you're willing to participate with us in our interests, but you're not judging us for having those interests.

I know the others have talked about physical affection, but I'd be a bit careful about your timing. I don't like physically clingy people, and am often only reciprocal to affection in the right setting. A good time is either in a 'standard' romantic setting (like after one of you has made dinner or something) or else when you've had an amazingly mentally stimulating conversation or experience.
Haha! You sound like a female version of my boyfriend! :kitteh:

I have a question about the "doing things together" part. Does it matter to you if your partner is any good at the things they do with you? Like, hypothetically, you invite him to play paintball. He completely sucks at paintball, and has no experience, but wants to do it because it will make you happy. Would you still enjoy him being there, even if he was awful at the activity? Just out of curiosity.
 

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Haha! You sound like a female version of my boyfriend! :kitteh:

I have a question about the "doing things together" part. Does it matter to you if your partner is any good at the things they do with you? Like, hypothetically, you invite him to play paintball. He completely sucks at paintball, and has no experience, but wants to do it because it will make you happy. Would you still enjoy him being there, even if he was awful at the activity? Just out of curiosity.
I had to think about this a while! I honestly think it depends on the activity, so I'm not sure a hypothetical situation works. For example, I really like classical music, but my ex does not. I tried to encourage him to show more than a passing interest, but it wasn't really his bag. That didn't frustrate me because that would have been unfair - what did frustrate me was that he would reject my attempts to find an activity where we could both learn together.

So, taking the lessons from that, I think it's nice if you want to participate in his favourite activities but you might be better off leaving him to do those activities on his own/with friends on a regular basis. Coming (say) paintballing one time and being enthusiastically rubbish is endearing - continually coming and ruining our experience is not ;). I'd consider touting a new hobby that you're both new at - a language, maybe, or a sport. At the end of the day, you shouldn't have to continually put yourself through his (maybe) dull hobbies, it should be fun for both of you!
 
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