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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
As an introduction: I'm a lurker around here so that would explain my lack of post counts. :/

I am an INTP and I was in a relationship with an INTJ for a good seven months until he broke it off with me. At first he wanted to stay close friends with me. Later he claimed that he broke up with me in hoping I could mature and perhaps we can work it out again.

A few weeks later after the break up, he would present me with forum topics of girls he considered hot and would talk about his perfect girl and actually rated me pretty low. I didn't know how to take this, other than he was being brutally honest. He spoke of wanting an incredibly hot girlfriend and whatever shallowness could provide him. Unfortunately, as that break-up month passed, he really stopped caring about me and was constantly rude to me unlike before. He started to become more intolerable of what I had to say and became somewhat... obsessive over himself. Eventually he claimed he needed a break -- and I had an emotional outburst in letting him have it. (Bad decision, I know, but I've been holding it in for far too long because he was irritating me).

The break lasted around four weeks.


Five days ago, I called him and he picked up. He was busy and we said good-bye. A few days afterwords, he messaged me asking what I called him for. I said I was just checking up on him. He was like "Oh" "I'm alright" and just left it at that. So I bluntly questioned him, "You don't really want to talk to me anymore, right?". He replied that since I had the outburst last time, he feels entirely indifferent about whether we still speak to each other. He said the fact that he picked up the phone already confused him because normally he would have ignored the phone call if it was anyone else.

I called him and apologized about what I've done and that I hoped we could still be close friends since before we hook up, we were really close. He was just like "Yeah", "Okay" but then proceeds to say that we had our break and there was nothing missing during those times. He told me we should stop talking to each other; period. Then this part threw me off:

He fumbled with his words before he hung up. At first he said something among the lines of, "Look, I have to go, I'll talk to you later-- I mean maybe we won't--" before sighing and settling with, "talk to you later, bye."

Just yesterday we spoke again and his mood hadn't changed much except he told me he was upset that everyone he knew doesn't know how to deal with their problems. He's been speaking to his ex's and one decided to stop speaking to him entirely, and the other just rants to him about her boyfriend. He stated he only has around two or three friends he cared about. I played it cool and didn't bring my emotions into the topic. He started to say that I was still too emotional and that he was angry when I spoke badly about him when he cheated on me many months ago. He was also upset that I told him to 'piss off' before we had the break -- but now, he doesn't really care anymore because I mean nothing to him.

He STILL thinks we shouldn't talk to each other. And he said he considers me as a friend... "just one that I barely talk to or never at all." (What a cold statement but I let it slide.)

However despite his remarks, I still want to hold onto the friendship because he is my only current friend who even remotely thinks like me: logical and rational. I began to speak of it in a logical standpoint.

I apologized to him and I told him that I knew words meant nothing, but I would still like to be his friend. I praised him for his rationality and how we think in similar ways. (And this lifted the mood a bit when I praised him) I told him I wished that we could be close friends. He told me the only reason he could think of why he wouldn't want to be close friends with me is that he doesn't think I'm emotionally unstable. I refuted that and replied that I was not stable only because he cheated on me and that he broke up with me-- and I've been fine lately.

At the end of the convo, he's still unsure of whether to keep me as a friend and left the convo stating that he'll just talk to me whenever he feels like it.

........Sorry for the long wall of text.


Okay, so since I'm not an INTJ and I know how normally INTJs are blunt and easy to leave relationships... I just want some more input.

Is there a way to win back a friendship with an INTJ?

I'm not looking for a relationship anymore, but I believe that this friendship is worth fighting for... but unfortunately, he seems to not give a crap. He is positively an INTJ because he had taken the test and told me the results were exactly like him.

What should I do? Can I rationally and logically work the friendship out? I don't think we can settle for a conversation based on feelings and convince him our friendship is worth it based on our relationship.

Should I give it more time and wait for him to talk to me? But then again, I suspect he wouldn't bother to contact me at all and just said that to keep me on hold. And do I really mean nothing to him, or is that his way of making me feel bad?

If possible... what is he probably thinking as an INTJ?

I think it would be nice to know the answers now before I put more effort in attempting to rebuild this friendship. Because there's nothing that annoys me more than putting effort on something unobtainable.

Any help would be IMMENSELY appreciated. I apologize for the huge wall of text and all of the questions.

Thanks, fellow INTJs!
 

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You believe a friendship is worth fighting for after he cheated on you? That is very interesting. My thoughts, leave now while you still can and move on, he isn't the only supposed logical and rational person in the world. This is a shitty relationship. Keep it simple.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
You believe a friendship is worth fighting for after he cheated on you? That is very interesting. My thoughts, leave now while you still can and move on, he isn't the only supposed logical and rational person in the world. This is a shitty relationship. Keep it simple.
I knew this would be brought up. I have my reasons for wanting to keep the friendship. To be simple: he was a very good friend. Throwing the whole cheating thing aside, it was a good relationship and I have NO PLANS of returning to him.

This is purely because I hold friends in very high regards and I would like to keep him around because our friendship was very good from the start.

And yes, I consider moving on. I just want to see other people's input before I make the decision.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
A good friend does not cheat on you though, maybe your standards are different?
Very good point. I've never thought of it that way. I'll take that response into consideration as a reason to not pursue the friendship again.

Well, he didn't have a long-lasting affair. He slept with his ex and then never spoke to her again, cried to me about how he was very sorry on various occasions. (Which surprised me) I admit, I should have left the relationship there.
 

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He seems more like an emotional vampire than a friend to me. Just because he thinks like you is not a good reason to keep him as a friend.
It doesn't seem as if he wants you as a friend anyway. Does he really deserve you as a friend?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
He seems more like an emotional vampire than a friend to me. Just because he thinks like you is not a good reason to keep him as a friend.
It doesn't seem as if he wants you as a friend anyway. Does he really deserve you as a friend?
You really think so? Actually just yesterday I remember thinking to myself about how he seem to be indifferent/cold/harsh, but somehow... I sensed him being a bit emotional about it.

And yes, you're probably right. Perhaps he doesn't deserve me as a friend. We used to connect with each other a lot in interests and how we view the world and I rarely find people like that nowadays. I guess I'm just a very tolerable person. Even if someone blatantly bludgeon me in my face, I somehow manage to forgive them. It's unfortunately my weakness in being so forgiving...
 

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You really think so? Actually just yesterday I remember thinking to myself about how he seem to be indifferent/cold/harsh, but somehow... I sensed him being a bit emotional about it.

And yes, you're probably right. Perhaps he doesn't deserve me as a friend. We used to connect with each other a lot in interests and how we view the world and I rarely find people like that nowadays. I guess I'm just a very tolerable person. Even if someone blatantly bludgeon me in my face, I somehow manage to forgive them. It's unfortunately my weakness in being so forgiving...
You are giving him chances constantly to revive your friendship. He is refusing but trying to keep you hooked.
You're giving to him while he takes from you as you wonder about your 'friendship' with him. Which I would imagine; is a major drain on you thinking about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
You are giving him chances constantly to revive your friendship. He is refusing but trying to keep you hooked.
You're giving to him while he takes from you as you wonder about your 'friendship' with him. Which I would imagine; is a major drain on you thinking about it.
Oh yes. It's been a major pain on me. It doesn't help me that I can't stop focusing on the subject and wondering about it every few ten minutes. :sad:

The thing is, somehow he's turned it around into the fact that HE'S the one that's giving me chances. I guess it could be seen that way since he was the one to break up with me. And somehow, it led to this: having an impossibly hard time to maintain just a simple friendship.

When you say "hooked" do you mean that he might actually wants a friendship, or is just playing around with my mind so he could be in control? Could it be a good idea to just stop it all together and 'unhook' myself?
 

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Oh yes. It's been a major pain on me. It doesn't help me that I can't stop focusing on the subject and wondering about it every few ten minutes. :sad:

The thing is, somehow he's turned it around into the fact that HE'S the one that's giving me chances. I guess it could be seen that way since he was the one to break up with me. And somehow, it led to this: having an impossibly hard time to maintain just a simple friendship.

When you say "hooked" do you mean that he might actually wants a friendship, or is just playing around with my mind so he could be in control? Could it be a good idea to just stop it all together and 'unhook' myself?
He broke up with you yes. He also cheated on you and has shown nothing but rudeness and contempt for you ever since. It certainly cannot be seen as him giving you chances.

Judging by me, I wouldn't 'hook' somebody if I wanted to be their friend. I would let them know. Not constantly put it off, leaving them trapped in thought.

But even if he somehow does want friendship. Do you want someone who only talks to you when they feel like it and doesn't give anything to this friendship? Friendships are give-and-take. Not give and get nothing but ungratefulness.

I would highly recommend 'unhooking' yourself from him. He's only going to prevent you from functioning properly and damage your health.
 

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You really think so? Actually just yesterday I remember thinking to myself about how he seem to be indifferent/cold/harsh, but somehow... I sensed him being a bit emotional about it.

And yes, you're probably right. Perhaps he doesn't deserve me as a friend. We used to connect with each other a lot in interests and how we view the world and I rarely find people like that nowadays. I guess I'm just a very tolerable person. Even if someone blatantly bludgeon me in my face, I somehow manage to forgive them. It's unfortunately my weakness in being so forgiving...


Are you sure you are an INTP? You sound to me like an INFP. I am INFP and forgiveness is one of our main traits. I had a relationship with an INTJ. He suddenly doesn't speak anymore to me. I mean if I go look for him or call him he probably will reply but if I don't he won't even call me to know about me or whether I am fine or not. So basically the "friendship" doesn't go both ways. I do care about him, I used to call him or go to see him to his work, but since he seems indifferent I don't feel like running after him anymore. He doesn't want my friendship, then he doesn't deserve it. That's all.


I think it should be the same for you. I think if someone is being rude and telling you straightforward that he doesn't care too much about you, you should have a little bit of pride and SELFSTEEM and send him to F off.

C'mon! There is a lot of other people that can enrich your life much more than this [email protected] Just get out of your shell, I know it is difficult for us, introverted, but if you make a little effort you will realise that there is other special people in this world and that u are missing them while running after someone who is not worth.


Good luck anyway!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
He broke up with you yes. He also cheated on you and has shown nothing but rudeness and contempt for you ever since. It certainly cannot be seen as him giving you chances.

Judging by me, I wouldn't 'hook' somebody if I wanted to be their friend. I would let them know. Not constantly put it off, leaving them trapped in thought.

But even if he somehow does want friendship. Do you want someone who only talks to you when they feel like it and doesn't give anything to this friendship? Friendships are give-and-take. Not give and get nothing but ungratefulness.

I would highly recommend 'unhooking' yourself from him. He's only going to prevent you from functioning properly and damage your health.
Thank you for this post. It made a lot of sense to me and you are absolutely correct. Although, partially, the reason that he treated me unfairly was because I started it first when I was upset with him. It just gradually got worse because we got tired of each other being pissy all the time.

And I've thought about how it is unfair and one-sided how he told me he'd only talk to me when he felt like it.

So I guess I'm just not going to speak to him or initiate anything. I also suppose that should he talk to me I keep to short and prompt.

I tried talking to some of my other friends about the situation but they never gave me a reason which made too much... sense or couldn't properly explain why I shouldn't talk to him. Hence, I posted here for people's opinions although I'm sure my questions were kinda dumb in the sense that the answer should be easy.
 

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Thank you for this post. It made a lot of sense to me and you are absolutely correct. Although, partially, the reason that he treated me unfairly was because I started it first when I was upset with him. It just gradually got worse because we got tired of each other being pissy all the time.

And I've thought about how it is unfair and one-sided how he told me he'd only talk to me when he felt like it.

So I guess I'm just not going to speak to him or initiate anything. I also suppose that should he talk to me I keep to short and prompt.

I tried talking to some of my other friends about the situation but they never gave me a reason which made too much... sense or couldn't properly explain why I shouldn't talk to him. Hence, I posted here for people's opinions although I'm sure my questions were kinda dumb in the sense that the answer should be easy.
Does you being pissy warrant cheating?
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Are you sure you are an INTP? You sound to me like an INFP. I am INFP and forgiveness is one of our main traits. I had a relationship with an INTJ. He suddenly doesn't speak anymore to me. I mean if I go look for him or call him he probably will reply but if I don't he won't even call me to know about me or whether I am fine or not. So basically the "friendship" doesn't go both ways. I do care about him, I used to call him or go to see him to his work, but since he seems indifferent I don't feel like running after him anymore. He doesn't want my friendship, then he doesn't deserve it. That's all.


I think it should be the same for you. I think if someone is being rude and telling you straightforward that he doesn't care too much about you, you should have a little bit of pride and SELFSTEEM and send him to F off.

C'mon! There is a lot of other people that can enrich your life much more than this [email protected] Just get out of your shell, I know it is difficult for us, introverted, but if you make a little effort you will realise that there is other special people in this world and that u are missing them while running after someone who is not worth.


Good luck anyway!
Yeah I'm certain that I'm an INTP. I've read the profile of an INFP and only a few traits suit me while many of an INTP's trait suit me. Somehow I get attached to people, but people had also known me to be arrogant or cold to people I'm not too interested in. XD

Oh and that's interesting. It sounds exactly like what my INTJ guy could do because I know him well. Yeah, by now I realize that it is not going towards the direction of having a mutual friendship.

I've personally never told anyone to F off. :crying: So I'm going to avoid the conflict of doing that and just not speak to him then unless he initiates it. I'll see where it goes from them.

And thank you for the reply. ♥ I guess I'm a bit uneasy since no one had actually... felt indifferent or hated me before -- at least with me knowing. I'll try to move on to better things.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Does you being pissy warrant cheating?
Oh no, it was after he cheated. At first he was fine with me being pissy, but I didn't move on as quick as he thought I would and eventually got sick of me being upset with him/not having trust.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Why did he cheat on you btw?
He told me he had no idea. His said he visited his ex because he's been treating her like crap and wanted to apologize. Somehow it led to sex and he said he stopped a little bit after they begun after he realized what he was doing.

I don't know how many of it is true, but I do know that she hates him now so he did tell her off later.
 

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Oh no, it was after he cheated. At first he was fine with me being pissy, but I didn't move on as quick as he thought I would and eventually got sick of me being upset with him/not having trust.
Well excuse you for not forgiving him, for violating your trust and completely disrespecting you in probably the worst possible way.

He should have been grateful for you keeping him around, the way I see it.

You can't help but feel it's your fault can you?
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Well excuse you for not forgiving him, for violating your trust and completely disrespecting you in probably the worst possible way.

He should have been grateful for you keeping him around, the way I see it.

You can't help but feel it's your fault can you?
I am actually really happy to read this. I'm glad an INTJ actually sees it the way I do. For a while there, I was thinking, "Maybe he's mad at me because he doesn't see how cheating is extremely disrespectful because he's an extreme INTJ." But I guess I don't completely understand INTJs. :bored:
People have told me that too... that I shouldn't had kept him around and that he was lucky. Yet again, somehow he twisted it to his favor. That I was lucky he kept me around.

To be honest, I do feel that I am responsible for the desecration of our relationship and friendship in general. But I KNOW that it isn't entirely my fault; if anything, he's the one that initiated the fall. It's his confidence that really irritates me. Or more like, arrogance. He always believes he is correct and is convinced that it is my fault.
 

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I am actually really happy to read this. I'm glad an INTJ actually sees it the way I do. For a while there, I was thinking, "Maybe he's mad at me because he doesn't see how cheating is extremely disrespectful because he's an extreme INTJ." But I guess I don't completely understand INTJs. :bored:
People have told me that too... that I shouldn't had kept him around and that he was lucky. Yet again, somehow he twisted it to his favor. That I was lucky he kept me around.

To be honest, I do feel that I am responsible for the desecration of our relationship and friendship in general. But I KNOW that it isn't entirely my fault; if anything, he's the one that initiated the fall. It's his confidence that really irritates me. Or more like, arrogance. He always believes he is correct and is convinced that it is my fault.
Then he is narcissistic, close minded and needs to be dropped.
The solution is simple: Cut him off. He's obviously caused nothing but hassle and drama. You really don't need him in your life as far as I can see.
 
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