[PeaceOfMind]

Hi guys, it's my first time to post in this thread.

My roommate is an ISFJ who has been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. Initially, she said, the guy has been more forward and demonstrative of his love for her, while she was more passive. They are in a long-distance relationship and the guy is usually the one who initiates conversations and tries to draw her out. Two years into their relationship, the guy asked her to open up to him fully because according to him, their relationship can't work out if she remains private to him. And so she did.

Now, the guy has changed and I think he's taking her for granted. He didn't even give her a gift for her birthday, he doesn't call when he says he will, etc. She also found that the guy has been lying to her about his conversations with another girl (who is probably flirting with him). They have been fighting almost every week for the past 4 months and she has told me that, although she can't trust him, she wants it to work with him because he's her soulmate.

But I have been so tired of seeing her yell at him on the phone, cry and pound at things when they fight. I truly believe she is better off without him and deserves better, and though I have said that, she doesn't listen.

I really admire the fact that she will do anything to make their relationship work, but is there anything I can do as her friend to help her, especially when they get into these situations? How do I support her at this time?

 

[Mendi the ISFJ]

i wouldnt call that an "abusive" relationship, but a bad one. I dont think there is anything that you can say to make her give up on him... thats the thing, we are very loyal because we believe that being loyal is very important. I personally, couldnt handle a long-distance relationship because im just not very trusting. But she aparently is somewhat. What she needs is a distraction. Something to make her feel good about herself, maybe even to see what a good relationship is, so that she will realize that what shes in is not one. Any way for her to work with physically abused women in a shelter? Those places always go over the signs of what is bad behavior in a relationship. Or maybe you could just google something about what is inappropriate so that she can see its not just coming from you.

 

[Kynx]

I definitely agree with the idea of a distraction. Take her focus off him onto something else.
I doubt she will listen to what anyone else says about the relationship. If anything, it probably will only make her try harder. She has to realise it herself.

 

[Falling Leaves]

Sadly, the problem with terrible relationships is that you condition yourself into accepting it; the longer you put up with it, the harder it is to break free. Can you think of any real reasons as to why she doesn't leave him? Tbh, a girl with self-esteem problems or a history of shitty relationships may be more likely to put up with more bad behaviour purely for the fact they are more likely to adopt a 'I don't deserve any better' mindset.

From the sounds of things, she does genuinely want things to work out with this guy; sadly however, she can't see the woods for the trees. The trouble with emotional attachment of any kind is that it makes us see what we want to see - we fall in love with an idea, not a person. Spells like this can be extremely hard to break; you might actually find that she does in fact reach breaking point at this guy and ends things, only to very well run straight back into his arms a week later (thats all the time it sometimes takes to 'forget' the bad and gild the good with gold).

Another problem is that maybe admitting this guy who made her feel so special is a bastard like the rest of them isn't something she really wants to do, nor does she want to deal with the heartbreak which is going to come along with it. If there is one thing I've learnt in life (and this is coming from a Thinker perspective) it's that sometimes things in life are going to rip a hole right out of you, however, it's only through facing your fears and hurt face on that you can deal with it and move on. It seems she'd rather take the tiny increments which come in the form of the constant arguments than the payload of a breakup.

Just be there for her as a support, tell her your concern, but don't ever try to force her hand; mistakes may be stupid, but they are a hugely important part of life. When she does realise what a jerk he his and gets rid of him, stay close. Try to keep her from trailing down old paths. She's going to need you.

(Can I also recommend books called 'He's just not that into you' and 'it's called a break up because it's broken'? You don't have to give them to her now, but when the magical moment when she says 'fuck you and fuck having to put up with x years of your shit' they could really help. )