Personality Cafe banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is going to be a huge essay-type dump of everything wrong about my life.

I've always been the kind of person to keep in feelings good and bad. Because of this, I'm prone to bear a lot of guilt, pressure, and all sorts of bad things on my shoulders when I should be talking to people for help. I'm reserved and distant. I've created this impermeable barrier around my heart so that no one is able to hurt me. I've always tried to keep on a happy face in front of everyone. Giving everyone I've ever met a false "happy, carefree, easygoing and knowledgeable and unshakable" persona when I'm actually the most sensitive person who knows nothing.

I've dealt with a severe depression for 5 years (14-19). I'm 20 now and for a short period of time I thought I overcame my depression but I was just in denial. I'm smacked right in the face of realization that nothing I know is ever absolute. I know nothing. I've been feeling so down on myself for a few weeks now and I'm scared of going back to my self-destructive patterns back in high school when dealing with my depression by self-medicating (MDMA, marijuana).

My favorite hobbies I used to enjoy were playing video games, going out with friends, making music and dancing (pop and lock) after school. Now that I've graduated and am given more freedom on my life it's as if these hobbies become tedious and less meaningful and enjoyable. I'm always told to "just be yourself", but I've gone through so many changes over the recent years that I don't even know who I am anymore. Every time I get my hands on something that is enjoyable I destroy a beautiful thing, figuratively speaking, be it relationships, friendships, or material objects. Every time I see my friends or hear about them through conversations, I get even more sad because of how successful they've become or what they've achieved and here I am.

I don't know anymore... I can't find a job or leave where I am. I can't apply for a new passport, I can't go anywhere, do anything. It's a long story. It's physically impossible for me to get any official documents to identify who I am. On the surface it seems okay, but not everyone knows how hard it is to not be able to do the things you want to achieve due to a huge hindrance. I'm lost and I've relied on my single mother for too long. I do want to give back but I just can't. I was an unexpected son and definitely a pain in the ass to raise.

I thought I was over with this existential crisis crap 2 years ago but apparently not. It's pathetic isn't it? 20 year old son, reliant on others for help for tuition and living. A grown adult who can't go anywhere or find a job to support his own mother. I'm comparable to a sitting trashcan. Useless and filled with shit with nothing to contribute.

If it helps at all I'm supposedly an ISTP with an Enneagram type of 6w5.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
7,289 Posts
As far as screwing up everything good, that sounds a lot like me.

I got saved and gave up the video games. That has been a bonus so far, and I'm glad I gave them up. I get out more and do more activities now, and that helps.

That's all I got.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sparkling

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
Dear b_h: Have hope. I am your age, and recently took a semester off from college to piece my life together after I was diagnosed with health problems. It was incredibly frustrating at the start, but I am more happy now than I have been in a long time.

So start with small steps. A life can take a while to "fix", but patience and perseverance will take you a long way.

1) Are you able to access any kind of therapy, counseling, and/or treatment for your mental health concerns? Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and mindfulness have helped many people with mental health concerns including depression. This is critical, and it starts with a willingness to honestly accept your problems and agree to be proactive about taking care of your situation.

2) If you cannot see a therapist or counselor, there are many excellent books and online resources with which you can help yourself. It might take time for you to find the resources that click, but the search and wait are worth it. Do not lose hope. You can look around the internet, or if you like, I can provide you suggestions that have helped me.

3) Identify your primary insecurities and prioritize the things that need attention right now. You mentioned that you don't have any official documents and that you cannot apply for a passport. Are you a legal resident or citizen of the country where you are staying? It's really important for you to look into sorting this situation out. Is there someone, such as a community mentor, religious leader, friend, college counselor, etc. in whom you can confide and who might be able to help?

4) Are you at college?

5) Find a way to fit in at least 30 minutes to an hour of exercise daily. I absolutely hate exercising, but then discovered my love for swimming.

6) Are you taking care of your diet? Also, underlying physiological health concerns can lead to depression, lethargy, etc. so it might be a good idea to get a full medical check-up.

There are some basic points that I've made. If you want to go into specifics and talk further, feel free to send me a personal message. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
Again, I really suggest that you try to find a healthcare provider (especially a mental health professional). These are the people who are the most likely to be able to provide you an accurate, personalized assessment of your psychological and physiological state. If you don't have health insurance but are at school or college -- many institutions provide free counseling and basic healthcare.

Please don't self-medicate! Even if you're on caffeine, I suggest that you wean yourself off, however painful that is. Quitting self-medication was a slow but sure game changer for me.

If you MUST "self medicate", I suggest fish oil and/or fresh fish (full of mood-enhanching Omega-3 fatty acids), a multivitamin supplement, green tea (no more than one or two caffeinated beverages per day, and certainly not after the late afternoon), and other healthy foods.

Please do not think that eating healthy requires significant financial investment, and that it is beyond the reach of the average person. An inspirational British food blog which has won widespread acclaim and coverage in media like The Guardian and BBC shows that one can eat responsibly and healthily even if you're below the poverty line (A GIRL CALLED JACK).
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,871 Posts
This is going to be a huge essay-type dump of everything wrong about my life.

I've always been the kind of person to keep in feelings good and bad. Because of this, I'm prone to bear a lot of guilt, pressure, and all sorts of bad things on my shoulders when I should be talking to people for help. I'm reserved and distant. I've created this impermeable barrier around my heart so that no one is able to hurt me. I've always tried to keep on a happy face in front of everyone. Giving everyone I've ever met a false "happy, carefree, easygoing and knowledgeable and unshakable" persona when I'm actually the most sensitive person who knows nothing.

I've dealt with a severe depression for 5 years (14-19). I'm 20 now and for a short period of time I thought I overcame my depression but I was just in denial. I'm smacked right in the face of realization that nothing I know is ever absolute. I know nothing. I've been feeling so down on myself for a few weeks now and I'm scared of going back to my self-destructive patterns back in high school when dealing with my depression by self-medicating (MDMA, marijuana).

My favorite hobbies I used to enjoy were playing video games, going out with friends, making music and dancing (pop and lock) after school. Now that I've graduated and am given more freedom on my life it's as if these hobbies become tedious and less meaningful and enjoyable. I'm always told to "just be yourself", but I've gone through so many changes over the recent years that I don't even know who I am anymore. Every time I get my hands on something that is enjoyable I destroy a beautiful thing, figuratively speaking, be it relationships, friendships, or material objects. Every time I see my friends or hear about them through conversations, I get even more sad because of how successful they've become or what they've achieved and here I am.

I don't know anymore... I can't find a job or leave where I am. I can't apply for a new passport, I can't go anywhere, do anything. It's a long story. It's physically impossible for me to get any official documents to identify who I am. On the surface it seems okay, but not everyone knows how hard it is to not be able to do the things you want to achieve due to a huge hindrance. I'm lost and I've relied on my single mother for too long. I do want to give back but I just can't. I was an unexpected son and definitely a pain in the ass to raise.

I thought I was over with this existential crisis crap 2 years ago but apparently not. It's pathetic isn't it? 20 year old son, reliant on others for help for tuition and living. A grown adult who can't go anywhere or find a job to support his own mother. I'm comparable to a sitting trashcan. Useless and filled with shit with nothing to contribute.

If it helps at all I'm supposedly an ISTP with an Enneagram type of 6w5.
Unfortunately, while very in-depth, this offers not much tangible that we can aid with because key information is missing. I assume you're in college. Have you tried work-study?

You are only 20. At that age, not many people are very sucessful as college will last a year more or so.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Thank you everyone who replied, it means a lot to me.

Yes, I'm studying in college in my second year.

I do not self-medicate anymore now, I've put that in the past.

I'm technically a visitor in Canada due to not being able to apply for permanent resident status which turn is because I have no official and valid documents to show proof of who I am. It's a domino effect. I have no one that can help me with this situation and the American embassy will not allow me to re-apply for a new passport without valid government photo I.D. (Student cards don't count). So once again, I'm unable to do anything that requires my I.D., can't find a job because I can't apply for my Social Insurance Number.

My exercise routine consists of doing 15 minutes of bedroom workouts in the morning. As for mental health, I am not able to find a counselor or therapist because I don't have any medical insurance.

With regards to dietary concerns, I try to incorporate all the necessary food groups into my meals throughout the day. I usually have my meats, veggies, grains, and dairy. I have fish every 2 weeks. I mainly drink water and apple juice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
As for mental health, I am not able to find a counselor or therapist because I don't have any medical insurance.
Have you tried to see if your university offers counseling services and free, basic healthcare? I'm not familiar with Canada, but many American institutions (including my university) offers these services. There are licensed psychologists, psychiatrists, disability services workers, medical staff, etc.

During my first two years of college, they helped me complete necessary medical tests, get medication, etc. Although I had insurance, I wouldn't have needed it, although some specialized services would have cost me (e.g. the blood-work). I've heard that the Canadian healthcare system is significantly friendlier on the wallet than that of the USA. If it's anything like the UK's NHS, which provides free healthcare, medication, and surgery even to non-residents and non-citizens (at least that was the case when I lived there 10 years ago), it's too good to pass up.

So look into your options. At the very least, see if you can talk to your college counselor, even if he/she is not a healthcare professional. You are going through a lot, and need to be proactive. However, that almost definitely will require you to lean on someone who has the position and resources to help you move forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
I'm technically a visitor in Canada due to not being able to apply for permanent resident status which turn is because I have no official and valid documents to show proof of who I am. It's a domino effect. I have no one that can help me with this situation and the American embassy will not allow me to re-apply for a new passport without valid government photo I.D. (Student cards don't count). So once again, I'm unable to do anything that requires my I.D., can't find a job because I can't apply for my Social Insurance Number.
By this, I'm assuming that you are originally an American citizen, unless there are further details and complications to the matter that you are not able to share with us. Surely there is a solution, as I can imagine that many people before you have lost documentation for their original country of origin.

Would it not be possible for you to contact officials and make a plea, possibly with your university's support, and present other documentation -- e.g. birth certificate and proof of your relationship to your mother (if that has not been established, can you get a birth certificate now? Can she legally "adopt" you?), your mother's official documents and proof of citizenship/legal residence, records of your previous schooling, etc.

Again, this sounds like a serious problem, and you need to (persuasively and tactfully) work with a trusted official. Feel free to PM me if there's something you'd like to discuss that you do not feel comfortable about sharing on a public forum. Good luck!
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top