[mangosloth]

I've had a crush on INFP guys a couple of times and they happened to be really shy and passive. All they did was sending really subtle hints, subtle to the point I didn't even know if they actually were hints or if I was projecting my desires in what was only friendship. All I can tell is that my INFP friend acts like this with girls he has a crush on. It's always girls who come to him and not the other way around, and even when he's interested he doesn't dare making a move or even becomes distant or manages to screw things up.

So I was wondering:
When you have a crush on a girl, do you expect her to make the first move? Would you like it or on the contrary, would you find it unattractive or less attractive than subtlety?
And do you like daring girls in general, energetic girls who have many goals and an adventurous temper?

 

[TheJ]

When I was young I was this way, but i'd get all panicky when a girl would do the unimaginable and hit on me.
Now at 24 I do not expect girls to make the first move and always do it myself, but I can greatly appreciate a girl that is daring, I think it's impressive to have the ability to break free from gender roles and I'd be very flattered if a girl happened to hit on me, infact even if the girl doesn't seem too attractive to me at first glance, it'll definitely up her score.

As for your last question- I think it depends on many other factors, I personally am introverted and I'd need a person who understands that I need my time alone sometimes and that often I would prefer cuddling in bed all day than going out, and would not pressure me to go out and meet people all the time, but the traits of being energetic, ambitious and adventurous on their own sound quite appealing.
Extroversion also often makes for being a good conversationalist, and being more of a listener myself I like not being forced to think about how to progress a conversation, I find it a real chore sometimes and I appreciate it when the other person takes the more active part there too.

Another thing you have going for you is that I like both mangos and sloths, so you get the male INFP seal of approval:

 

[leictreon]

I'd rather have them make the first move.

 

[Plumedoux]

Flirting is not the main strength of male INFPs, and personally it depend a lot on what I feel for a girl.
I can flirt with a girl who I don't have a crush on, it's come as a game and i don't care if she rejects me.
But I have a hard time flirting with a girl who I have a crush on, I make mistakes, I appear weird and all this stuff because I fear if she rejects me.

Concerning your questions, I never expect girls to make the first move because it's rarely the case. And of course I would like it, this make the girl ten times more interesting, so a big yes for daring girls.
Yes I like energic girls with many goals and especially adventurous, as an INFP we love adventure but we are also shy so those things that put ourselves out of our shell are very attractive.

 

[piece in quite]

I've had a crush on INFP guys a couple of times and they happened to be really shy and passive. All they did was sending really subtle hints, subtle to the point I didn't even know if they actually were hints or if I was projecting my desires in what was only friendship. All I can tell is that my INFP friend acts like this with girls he has a crush on. It's always girls who come to him and not the other way around, and even when he's interested he doesn't dare making a move or even becomes distant or manages to screw things up.

So I was wondering:
When you have a crush on a girl, do you expect her to make the first move? Would you like it or on the contrary, would you find it unattractive or less attractive than subtlety?
And do you like daring girls in general, energetic girls who have many goals and an adventurous temper?

I do, but often the type of women that make the first moves come on a bit too strong and startle/confuse/leave me feeling embarassed, which just makes the whole situation awkward and not lead anywhere. That's just me though.

 

[mangosloth]

Thanks for your answers!
@TheJ my friend is 25 but it seems he hasn't reached your maturity! He fantasizes a lot about girls he meets on the internet and never IRL because they live far away. He's a stay-at-home and he lacks social skills. Fortunately for him, he's handsome and interesting, so he's caught the eye of some cute girls, but he always rejects the attention he gets. It seems he's too afraid of an actual relationship and prefers to daydream about one. At times I suspected him to be attracted to me, but he became avoidant when I tried to get closer. I came to the conclusion he was neither interested nor healthy and that I'd better move on. But you know... feelings do whatever the f**k they want! The other guys I meet/know or not half as awesome as him, despite his issues (he's quite negative and frustrated).

In fact, I've barely dared anything with him for fear that our friendship becomes awkward. I was just a bit tactile and flirty. At the moment we talk a lot, our conversations are more "sexualized" and sometimes we share sensual music. I'm way too curious to move on without actually trying to ostensibly seduce him. I need things to be clear.

Oh and of course I meant "daring" in an ENFP awkward-not-so-extraverted way, not in an ENTJ or ESTJ way :wink: I completely understand the need for alone time, and cuddling in bed is awesome (with a plaid and lots of cushions preferably). I hope I'm not bossy, but I like to motivate people into taking part in fun activities and random trips, for instance, running together, rock climbing, going to concerts, trying new cafes and restaurants, walking in the woods, attending conferences... And especially if I see a cute and sad INFP! In this case, I just want to cheer him up and share my immense love of life with him!
Haha I feel honoured by such a seal of approval! Your magnificent blue bird deserves one too!



@Plumedoux It's interesting... I've noticed that it's always when we don't care about someone that we are the most attractive to them, and that it's indeed easier to flirt! Whereas when we fear to be broken hearted we send mixed signals and mess up. I guess it's why it's better to quickly show our slightest interest from the beginning (instead of nurturing feelings on our own), and to stay confident no matter what, at the risk of being delusional. If we assume we're loved, we're loveable.
Does the internet change something for you? Are you more audacious behind a screen?


@Coldmist thanks for your reply! So you are the one who makes the first move? How do you show a girl you like her?

 

[Zeta Neprok]

Not an INFP but...

I don't mind the thought of a girl asking me out because it will at least be obvious that she's interested in me. I don't mind asking girls out either but in all circumstances it ends up being a "no" from them. I usually have crushes on girls who are either taken or are way too good for me (it's not hard for them to be too good for me), so I tend not to follow through on them very often.

I tend to prefer more extroverted girls and I like them to be at least somewhat adventurous.

 

[nicoloco90]

hmmm ... @mangosloth - reminds me of @NewMango - also considering the type of threads. Then again it may be coincidence.

 

[mangosloth]

@nicoloco90 I'm not this person! Mangoes must be the ENFPs' favorite fruit! Orange, energetic and tasty!
@TheSonderer noone is "too good" for you! You may just have a different way of life, different rhythms. Often, the most extroverted people tend to prefer the company of other extroverts or "party animals" but it doesn't mean introverts aren't worthy of their love.
And well, even if a "no" hurts, it was a good thing to try anyway! It helps moving on and, paradoxically, being more confident/not fear failure anymore. The fear of pain can be way more important than the pain itself!

 

[Kito]

I'm bisexual but anyway, most guys love it when girls make the first move, INFP or not. It's a lot of pressure for men to make the first move all the time and there's nothing at all wrong with girls doing it instead.

Generally I think it's good to complement someone's personality, ie. have different features that allow you to help each other grow. Such as one person being genuine but self-pitying, another being 'fake' but skilled at selling themselves.

I can't speak for all INFP men because I act more assertive and extroverted than most of them, but in general it's best not to push us to be something we're not. And very typically we're not caricatures of a stereotypical man in society, so putting those masculine expectations on us will push us away very fast.

 

[Plumedoux]

@mangosloth As a matter of fact, I'm more comfortable interacting in real life than behind a screen.
I love one on one interaction, I'm energized by it and I feel better but I despite group of people talking (more than 3 people), they drain my energy out and I can f*** up everything with a girl in a group.

I was very shy before like I was always the most shy of the class at school everytime and I was not very aware of my sex appeal until the age of 16 when I had a crush on an ESTP girl.
We were at a technical high school together, this high school had just 3 girls for 300 boys at this time lol, and I didn't quite understand why she was interesting in me and she was the one who was initiating the flirt with me.
But I was too shy despite the fact that she sexualise a lot and everything. I remember one time she said something like "I'm sure if you were not shy, you would be worse than jean batiste (a guy who was at my class known to be a bad boy)". I think it was quite silly and she was probably projecting what she likes.

Now I'm more active in seduction, I even picked up girls a few times on the street.
But I'm looking for an emotional connection and I had feel this connection a few time with ENFP girls mostly.

Concerning your INFP, I think your relationship with him make me think that it can goes to the next step but it's just need to be triggered by action. I mean you are sexualizing and you exchange both sensual music, you are already in a more intimate stage of your relationship. I think is into you too, otherwise why does he will sent you sensual music. Be more tactile, touch his hands and see his reaction, If you want more go for it.

 

[nicoloco90]

I've had a crush on INFP guys a couple of times and they happened to be really shy and passive. All they did was sending really subtle hints, subtle to the point I didn't even know if they actually were hints or if I was projecting my desires in what was only friendship. All I can tell is that my INFP friend acts like this with girls he has a crush on. It's always girls who come to him and not the other way around, and even when he's interested he doesn't dare making a move or even becomes distant or manages to screw things up.

So I was wondering:
When you have a crush on a girl, do you expect her to make the first move? Would you like it or on the contrary, would you find it unattractive or less attractive than subtlety?
And do you like daring girls in general, energetic girls who have many goals and an adventurous temper?

Girls barely ever make first moves so I do them. It is actually a lot more comfortable because I don't like it when they move on me. I am a very picky person and I like having some control on who I want to be closer with. If girls move on me then I might have to disappoint them, and disappointing people is something that is very hard for me (as a 2). It's hard to say 'no' or to reject someone. So yeah, let me do the pursuing
When I really like someone i'm not shy to come clean about my feelings, it's always worth the try right, otherwise it's no point in feeling these feelings if they are never acted upon.

I am quite a flirter, a people pleaser in general. However, no, I won't make moves on very adventurous, daring and energetic girls though, simply because I don't trust them one bit. Sorry. It is not that I don't like these traits in a girl in itself, but yeah ... long story, I probably get beaten if I speak out on that - At the moment i'm more busy flirting with a guy anyway. Currently not really that interested anymore in girls. Try again later.

 

[Riven]

Hmm, maybe, but I have a ton of issues to sort out before I start dating anyone.

 

[Amphoteric]

I like when girls approach first. There's enough pressure on guys to initiate, and I think dating someone bolder than myself would be more beneficial to helping me get out of my comfort zone.

 

[piece in quite]

Thanks for your answers!

@Coldmist thanks for your reply! So you are the one who makes the first move? How do you show a girl you like her?

If I am honest, I do not really make the first move. I need to be totally assured that whoever I am talking to genuinely likes me as a person (isn't talking to me just to burn time or talking to me even though she really just can't stand me). I have had trouble with this because I am the type of person with a lot of self doubt and self criticism. If a woman does hint to me that she's interested, then there onwards I am happy to be the persuer (I guess I wouldn't really be the persuer since she hinted first) or rather the one 'leading' if you get what I mean.

Unfortunately, my experiences with women have not been great. There have been women who have blatantly shown interest in me, and then once I really open up and begin to ask them out, they strangely shut me out. I just don't know anymore and can't really bothered to explore again just to feel awful again. These days I just retain my feelings as much as possible when around potential partners until they have truly proved that they want to be with me, so I guess at the moment, I am not the one to make the first move.

I don't really know exactly how to describe the way I show I like a woman. I guess just keeping in contact in a daily basis and trying to arrange interesting outings for the two of us. They'd get to see my soft side for one. I'd go the extra mile if she was upset and do something like buy her favourite pizza from her favourite pizza place and take bring it to her house unexpectedly (well not completely unexpectedly, I'd text her about it, but they'd usually think I'm kidding) or take her to walk on a beach or a walk in a park or to see some fireworks or anything that I know she loves.

 

[Little Gum]

And this is what I hate about our men.

While they could go for somebody who understands them, they're distracted by shiny things, class acts that they misinterpret as authentic and then they burn themselves so hard. I say this from a strictly personal POV - looking at an INFP man I'm attracted to doing that kind of stuff and the most recent time he burnt himself epically. And got a lot of public shaming for it, which was not the case before. And then, yeah, he's probably been stuck in his Fi Si look and eventually, the Si will be gracefully pushed out of the way for whatever super-impressive naughty girl comes along next. To break boundaries, get him out of the shell 'n stuff.

I get it that we appear boring. We won't be like "Hi, these are my breasts, let's go to bed!", "Your inner child is sad, let's paraglide!", "You're so old-fashioned, I can think of incredible euphemisms and be dirrrrrrty for no reason. Is that your hose? Get it, hose?", "I'm deep like you, now see me rhyme truck, f..k and luck!" and "OMG I AM SO RANDOM, TOO."

And then we wonder where the manic pixie dream girls came from? Misunderstanding of both INFP men and INFP women.

This is where you miss some of the things right there in your face:

- Yes, an INFP girl, woman can be daring. But not for the sake of being daring. There's usually something bigger in our dares. One of my best days this year was the one where I rode bike on a dangerous road, on a cliff above the sea in another country. Freedom, but freedom with beautiful nature, a gorgeous sunset and a detached view of my spiritual home on my way back.

- Yes, an INFP girl can be silly. But once again, our silliness masks the love that we are awkward about expressing - just like you, the things that we want to share about some other time, long ago, which might feel shameful to us and insignificant to others - just like you...or maybe we feel like we don't need permission to be ourselves. There's always a point to being silly.

- I'm an ace, so I cannot speak much about this, but I'm pretty sure that, when people are truly comfortable with one another, it's pretty easy to be a freak. But why display that side to people who don't deserve it? Unless we're fascinated by the whole deal of freakiness and live it as one of our many fun roles, it's a privilege for the selected few.

Gonna tell it to your face, I rest my case.

 

[Belzy]

I've had a crush on INFP guys a couple of times and they happened to be really shy and passive. All they did was sending really subtle hints, subtle to the point I didn't even know if they actually were hints or if I was projecting my desires in what was only friendship. All I can tell is that my INFP friend acts like this with girls he has a crush on. It's always girls who come to him and not the other way around, and even when he's interested he doesn't dare making a move or even becomes distant or manages to screw things up.

So I was wondering:
When you have a crush on a girl, do you expect her to make the first move? Would you like it or on the contrary, would you find it unattractive or less attractive than subtlety?
And do you like daring girls in general, energetic girls who have many goals and an adventurous temper?

Oh, that's quite similar to me.

I seem to fall in love with whoever gives me most (positive) attention, but I never flirt (back) but am hoping for more in the meantime. Just by continiouing the lots amount of interaction, time being together and connection that ..... more will happen, but...

Even with girls who don't fit me.

 

[mangosloth]

And very typically we're not caricatures of a stereotypical man in society, so putting those masculine expectations on us will push us away very fast.

That's exactly what I like about you! I don't like essentialism and to me gender roles are a pure social construction. As a child, kids made fun of me by calling me a tomboy, because I dressed like a boy, played "boyish" games, and prefered my boy friends. In my teenage years I changed and became physically "feminine" because I wanted to, but in my mind it doesn't change the fact that I despise these pre-built roles. I don't mind making the first move, and to me the most attractive guys are sensitive, creative, and can tolerate my independance. INFPs are the best at this.

@Plumedoux thanks for your insight! Hmmm I'm not sure he likes me, but I'm gonna try anyway! We share a lot of music, so when one song/track is sensual, I'm not sure I should take it personally. Except once, the lyrics were accurately relatable, although erotic. But I don't want to focus on this kind of details and I'd rather see him face to face, his reactions and his gaze talk a lot more.

And yep INFPs and ENFPs get along well! We're quite similar. But as @Kito said, we also complement each other: for instance, my friend is pessimistic and quiet while I'm energetic and absolutely optimistic. He's a great listener and he understands deeply everything, he makes me feel comfortable and free, while I entertain him and try to boost his confidence. He seems rather depressed these days, he sleeps at random hours, thinks about giving up college, smokes weed and feels bad because he doesn't manage to make music anymore I want to hug him and help him recovering his creativity, it hurts so much to know he's suffering.

@nicoloco90 yeah indeed it's really hard to gently reject someone! I fear that too. Haha it's okay, I understand this kind of attitude can be threatening, especially if it hurt you in the past. I hope it has healed, and that this guy is trustworthy!
@Riven you're right, a love relationship can't be balanced under these conditions. But hopefully friends and family can provide a welcome support. Good luck on fixing these issues!

@Coldmist oh I've went through a similar experience and didn't feel able to flirt for years. It's typically when people seduce just to boost their self-esteem, and throw away their toy when they're done with it. Eventually confidence comes back. :frustrating:
Your ideas to show your affection are adorable. The pizza thing would make me feel so special, yet I'm sure I would still think it's only friendship!
As I said, it's veeery subtle between my INFP friend and I. I have no clue whether he knows I have a crush on him or not. We talk everyday, we tease and compliment each other, sometimes I'm tactile with him for instance I put my hand on his shoulder after I jokingly made fun of him. I don't hide I find him handsome and fit, I don't explicitly say it either (I should. On the next occasion I do it!). We played with facebook tests and astrology saying we were meant to date. But it always comes off as jokes or silly stuff between friends, I don't know if it's a shield.
What can a girl do so you know she's into you? At which point do you think "ok I guess I have a chance with her"?

 

[mangosloth]

@Little Gum I'm not sure where you're coming from but of course INFP girls can be daring, every type can be, and in itself it's not necessarily a quality, but it's neither a flaw nor an equivalent of naughty. Some shy guys feel more comfortable with a shy girl. On this forum I checked a topic about INFP relationships and the results of the poll showed that most of the time INFPs dated other INFPs, or other introverted types.

But I guess I can relate to some things you said. My INFP friend has a fetish for nymphomaniac ENTP girls (one he's had an affair with a couple years ago, before we met, and most recently a girl who contacted him through the internet and who hasn't met him IRL since she lives far away. Half a year ago, he claimed to be in love with her without really believing in a relationship, then kind of gave up. It was before he became closer to me, but they're still in contact and I don't know what's going on between them. I chose to ignore it and focus on what happens between us).

He perfectly knows this kind of girls aren't made for him and would probably break his heart, but it's as if he wanted to be used and hurt. There's like an underlying masochism in his affection. That's why sometimes I really doubt about him and I being together. I genuinely care for him and try to help him overcome his current depressive state. I hope he likes me the way I am, anyway I don't want to (and I couldn't) play the role of the naughty kinky girl. I only plan to be more seductive and show him I also see him as the sexy, grown-up man he is. It's obviously flattering to feel desired, and after being single for years I bet he needs this more than being understood (he already understands himself). No problem if it's a huge fail, our friendship is strong enough to overcome an eventual awkwardness, and I feel strong enough to put up with rejection.

"Your" INFP man seems similar to "mine", they must have the same kind of issues. We can't blame people for being attracted to whoever they want, but yeah unfortunately if they seek what harms them instead of what benefits them, there's nothing to do except staying true to ourselves, let them get the pain they were looking for and kind of deserved, until they finally want to fix their own problems :/

@AAADD Edison you should try to flirt back! If people hit on you in the first place it's for a reason! You'd be surprised by the results. We often imagine the worst but these thoughts shouldn't prevent us from trying something new. I wouldn't recommend it with girls who don't fit you though.

 

[Little Gum]

@mangosloth - Funny enough, I was typing a post to quote you because I could relate to the gender roles part, and then I got so anxious that I somehow lost it.

I'll clarify one thing - I did not mean that all these qualities attribute to being perverted or a nympho, just that they commonly go in the same package. Hope that makes more sense.

And I can only nod to what I know about what you said and say "yes, that kind of stuff".