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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sup ENTPs. So i know a SYMPTOM of being an ENTP is having difficulty opening up to people emotionally. I know I am like that at least...We really shouldn't flaunt it first of all, it is likely a defense mechanism we have created early on due to a specific event or events.

What im saying is, that this is a negative "trait" of the ENTP temperament. Do you wonder why you get that strange awkward type anxiety when your put in a situation that requires you to "open up"?

Im curious...How did you come to form this defense mechanism? The reason we formed it could be the root to our current personality type now, leading to a number of different ways to cope with the anxiety of emotional openness.

This "trait" most likely formed when we were young and innocent, and we opened up to someone who we respected greatly, and they poked fun at us for opening up...you see many ENTP girls running around? Only a handful. Could this be because girls are allowed to open up emotionally, more so than boys? At a young age,a girl opening up emotionally would be much more acceptable.

A young boy might open up, telling someone he loves something (only one word for love in english, maybe he didnt mean actual love), and then his mom or dad would tell him to not do that, its for girls. I saw this in action, with my little brother,who is 12 now. I feel bad for him when i think about this, like, a genuine feeling sad type feeling for him.

- He was doing something at age 3, imitating my sister, who was 9 at the time, and my sister and cousin made fun of him for doing it. It was something like, making a colorful sand sculpture at the NY state fair, or something more "girly". He was so fuuuuckin excited because he wanted to be like my sister, who he looks up to, almost as much as he does to me hah. My sister and my cousin started making fun of him for wanting to make a sand sculpture, and he just looked so fucking...distraught with sorrow......holy fuckin shit. Fuck, i cant think about this shit anymore, its too fuckin sad, and ironic. Such a vulnerable, innocent child, getting his happiness and emotional security torn from him....maybe like many of us.....

my brother is developing into a hyperactive, neurotic ENTP. Its painful to see him so confused, and i know its my fault too, something i didnt see back in my earlier days, same with my sister of course.

Like right now, i feel really uncomfortable writing this because my mind doesnt want me to meet that part of myself, resulting in the response of anxiety. So, i know how you feel, but whatever you feel, don't feel threatened. My parents always gave me shit when i resisted them exploiting me to gain security themselves, which i now know is abusive, but luckily i was really fuckin smart and introspective as a child, being the first born, having better resilience factors than my bro. He us more vulnerable and impulsive than i was

Tell me why you cant open up to people on an emotional level, IF you know why of course. We wouldnt last 1 second in a Carl Rogers type therapy session.
 

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@King_Moonracer I'll get in on this one even though I'm one of the most "anti-feeling bastards" here. I'd say for me it was a conditioned repose rather than a singular event. I mean I never had the same emotional output as the people around me, but being married 3 times managed to purge me of just about all that was left of any type of emotional stimulation I ever had. Oddly enough I still feel positive emotions (although still not as strongly as others), but "negative" emotions are just about all but foreign to me now. I can trace back specific emotional responses that were conditioned out with each of my 3 wives. It's gotten so bad that when me and my most recent wife split up I just shrugged my shoulders and said "meh ... whatever" .... literally.
 

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I can do a pretty uncanny resemblance of someone who opens up. There are very few issues that I care enough to conceal though, and that self monitoring about "how am I living my life?", and being honest with myself is a pretty strong key. No one can hold anything over your head if you've already made peace with it.

The main reason why I usually don't open up about issues I care about, when I do hold back, is that I want people to like me. It'd be hard to achieve that goal if anyone knew about my chinchillas in stockings fetish (please note use of humor as deflective device).
 

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I have been married three times too. But Im still married to the third one, third time is a charm for me. :)

I have no problem opening up emotionally. So, maybe I am the abnormal one....But I just realized this for ENTP and not ENFP. I should go to bed so I don't confuse anyone else or myself. ha
 

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I have been married three times too. But Im still married to the third one, third time is a charm for me. :)

I have no problem opening up emotionally. So, maybe I am the abnormal one....But I just realized this for ENTP and not ENFP. I should go to bed so I don't confuse anyone else or myself. ha
It was "three strikes and you're out" for me :p
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I can do a pretty uncanny resemblance of someone who opens up. There are very few issues that I care enough to conceal though, and that self monitoring about "how am I living my life?", and being honest with myself is a pretty strong key. No one can hold anything over your head if you've already made peace with it.

The main reason why I usually don't open up about issues I care about, when I do hold back, is that I want people to like me. It'd be hard to achieve that goal if anyone knew about my chinchillas in stockings fetish (please note use of humor as deflective device).
Thats really what so many people lack, the ability to be honest with themselves, and being able to give yourself constructive criticism and being okay with it. Being aware of your own defense mechanisms. Very important for self development...More irony haha.

Could I be projecting parts of myself onto you? I also am aware of my own forms of defense, emotionally. I am proud of it, and by telling you basically "good job", am i telling myself good job. Why am i proud of it? Do i take pride in these dumb little things to compensate for other things i lack in? Fuck...why am i feeling embarrassed for telling someone else that they are awesome?

Look at this video. we all need to get an ENTP convention going, and do the shit in the video. I cant even imagine what would happen hahaha.

 

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Thats really what so many people lack, the ability to be honest with themselves, and being able to give yourself constructive criticism and being okay with it. Being aware of your own defense mechanisms. Very important for self development...More irony haha.

Could I be projecting parts of myself onto you? I also am aware of my own forms of defense, emotionally. I am proud of it, and by telling you basically "good job", am i telling myself good job. Why am i proud of it? Do i take pride in these dumb little things to compensate for other things i lack in? Fuck...why am i feeling embarrassed for telling someone else that they are awesome?
Give it time. Like me and @Psyphon, you'll eventually develop a form of emotional cauterization from getting burned. It will be unique to you, but as you noticed, you take a lot of pride in your ability to control your emotions when you do it. On some level, it's probably all about compensation. None of us are perfect, you shore up what you can with what you got.
 

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I think we are definitely taught to be keep our emotions to ourselves, not as a literal rule, but through our interpretation of the reactions of others we form the theory that next time we'll keep it to ourselves. personally, I am very guarded emotionally, to the point of people calling me cold hearted (especially my ultra-emotional mother who can't understand my lack of the usual crying female emotional irrationality), my nan told me that even if I was slapped for misbehaving as a child, I would force myself not to cry. I have always seen crying or the irrationality that is produced by a lack of emotional control as a weakness in myself. In other people I am learning not to judge. After much self-analysis, I have worked out where it comes from, I'm well aware that it is terribly cliche: I grew up in a divorced family and went from mum to dad to nan routinely every week, Dad is unemotional, mum was TOO emotional and too busy with my stepbrother from hell and the rest of my half brothers, so I took care of myself, I learned not to need anybody, you don't need a shoulder to cry on if you don't need to cry. So I am very happy to be open about most things, shockingly so to some people who feel I should get all teary and sad, but for the most part I don't assign things emotional significance. There are some things that I keep close to my heart, but I don't let people get at those, ever, because even I don't go there. Ooh yes I do love being screwed up, it is fabulous :)
 

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For it it was a combination of things. I'm the oldest of four and have three little sisters who I was always expected to be strong and grown up for. From the time my first little sister was born (I was 2), I was supposed to be a protector and an example and act in a mature manner for her and then for my other sisters as each was born. Any tantrum I had would be met with "You're too old for that" or "Your sisters are watching you" or something like that. So while they were allowed to be as emotional as they wanted (they're all feelers now), I had to be a pillar of strength.

In public, I wasn't seen as strong at all. I've always been overweight and I'm pretty short and have a baby face, so, especially in sports, I've always been viewed by my classmates/teammates as a weak link. Now I'm very intelligent, including having a high kinestetic intelligence. I may not be able to run for an extended period of time, but I'm a freakin sniper when it comes to accuracy. Once they realize that, I become a star player. I become the one who can make the three pointers with ease, always hit my mark when serving in tennis or volleyball, throw over 50% ringers in horseshoes, hit the ball exactly where I want it in baseball and also catch and throw with great accuracy-- I can do it all when it comes to body mechanics. But before they realize I can do that, I'm always picked last and expected to be horrible at sports because of my body type. Because of that, I've always been one to hide all my weaknesses lest I be thought of as "that fat kid who's always trying to get out of phsyical activity". I got literally yelled at by my volleyball coach once for breaking my finger and continuing to play because I didn't want to be seen as weak. I also had a Navy doctor screaming at me during Sea Cadet bootcamp for gashing my ankles open with my boots and not telling anyone and continuing to wear them. Apparently if I had gone for another hour or two, I would have needed stitches.

I just do NOT want to be seen as that weak fat kid, so I keep all pain, physical or emotional, bottled up in me.
 

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I rarely mind being open about my emotions with people, I don't know if that makes me an odd one out in the context of the ENTP. I only keep to myself complex emotional quandaries that I either can't verbalise, or that I doubt people would be able to relate to(like my Ti tendency to reduce everything to binary, followed by melancholy reflection over the actual pointlessness of every-bloody-thing).

But hell, I've no trouble shedding tears in front of others if I'm moved to it. I find it somewhat comforting to be able to show emotion, it helps me assert that I'm capable of feeling :p
 

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I can relate. I was the short kid who got beat by his dad and made fun of by others. Our defense mechanism is to build up walls. Honestly I was a pretty tender kid, and then I resented being tender when I got hurt, and then missed it when I got older because I was so damn cold. Being underestimated was my favorite thing in the world though. I remember getting picked last in basketball, just to be the star player. Or humbling cocky guys in front of others while wrestling. I could do a back flip at 13 and could play guitar better than most. I'm not sure how much of that was a personal challenge, and how much of it was proving others wrong.

When I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year, things kind of came to a turning point. I was going to put up walls for good but I got a phone call from a pastor who gave me some incredible advice. He told me to let it hurt. Let myself feel things and don't run from the pain. I reluctantly took his advice, had 2 months of hell and came out on the other side far more tender than before. I'm more sensitive now than I ever was in high school and working on getting better.

I've learned that a true man isn't afraid to be vulnerable, because a true man can take it when he gets hurt. Avoiding pain isn't manly, taking a risk that might be painful is though. After going over a year without crying, I was finally starting to feel something and my quality of life has gotten way better because people see the softer side of me more now.

I don't know where you guys are at, but it's certainly worth the effort to feel something.
 

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I'm at some sort of cross-roads right now actually. A few weeks ago I actually made a similar thread on how I'm kind of emotionally retarded when it comes to romance, seeing as I haven't actually felt something for someone since I was about 18 (I'm 23 now). Ironically, a couple days after that I met a girl who I think I am very compatible with. In the last few years, I basically chose quick and easy (consensual, of course) sex over actually connecting with girls, and none of them have stuck around, but it didn't matter to me, because I basically chose not to feel anything for them.

But now I met this girl who I actually like and who I want to be a part of my life, but I'm not exactly sure what people typically do to get "close" to other people. The emotional walls I have built up over my lifespan have been great for business purposes, focusing purely on logic and strategy, but counterproductive for keeping people emotionally invested in my life. Most of my friends are NTs as well, so "emotions" never come up in conversations, it's mainly witty jokes and intuitive thinker discussions about ideas for the future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I think we are definitely taught to be keep our emotions to ourselves, not as a literal rule, but through our interpretation of the reactions of others we form the theory that next time we'll keep it to ourselves. personally, I am very guarded emotionally, to the point of people calling me cold hearted (especially my ultra-emotional mother who can't understand my lack of the usual crying female emotional irrationality), my nan told me that even if I was slapped for misbehaving as a child, I would force myself not to cry. I have always seen crying or the irrationality that is produced by a lack of emotional control as a weakness in myself. In other people I am learning not to judge. After much self-analysis, I have worked out where it comes from, I'm well aware that it is terribly cliche: I grew up in a divorced family and went from mum to dad to nan routinely every week, Dad is unemotional, mum was TOO emotional and too busy with my stepbrother from hell and the rest of my half brothers, so I took care of myself, I learned not to need anybody, you don't need a shoulder to cry on if you don't need to cry. So I am very happy to be open about most things, shockingly so to some people who feel I should get all teary and sad, but for the most part I don't assign things emotional significance. There are some things that I keep close to my heart, but I don't let people get at those, ever, because even I don't go there. Ooh yes I do love being screwed up, it is fabulous :)
good shit haha, Im in a different room on the same boat. My mom is this over emotional crazy person who cant reason properly, and she thinks that im going to become a schizophrenic because her brother is all fucked up from drugs and a really bad childhood, and i am not a "normal" person. Makes sense she would choose my dad as a husband, he is the most emotionally guarded person you will ever meet...and i get a kick out of getting into his head, which pisses him off.

But ya, my mom has the emotional intelligence of a 4 year old...INFP i would say...And i tend to like people who are all screwed up, gives em character haha.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
For it it was a combination of things. I'm the oldest of four and have three little sisters who I was always expected to be strong and grown up for. From the time my first little sister was born (I was 2), I was supposed to be a protector and an example and act in a mature manner for her and then for my other sisters as each was born. Any tantrum I had would be met with "You're too old for that" or "Your sisters are watching you" or something like that. So while they were allowed to be as emotional as they wanted (they're all feelers now), I had to be a pillar of strength.

In public, I wasn't seen as strong at all. I've always been overweight and I'm pretty short and have a baby face, so, especially in sports, I've always been viewed by my classmates/teammates as a weak link. Now I'm very intelligent, including having a high kinestetic intelligence. I may not be able to run for an extended period of time, but I'm a freakin sniper when it comes to accuracy. Once they realize that, I become a star player. I become the one who can make the three pointers with ease, always hit my mark when serving in tennis or volleyball, throw over 50% ringers in horseshoes, hit the ball exactly where I want it in baseball and also catch and throw with great accuracy-- I can do it all when it comes to body mechanics. But before they realize I can do that, I'm always picked last and expected to be horrible at sports because of my body type. Because of that, I've always been one to hide all my weaknesses lest I be thought of as "that fat kid who's always trying to get out of phsyical activity". I got literally yelled at by my volleyball coach once for breaking my finger and continuing to play because I didn't want to be seen as weak. I also had a Navy doctor screaming at me during Sea Cadet bootcamp for gashing my ankles open with my boots and not telling anyone and continuing to wear them. Apparently if I had gone for another hour or two, I would have needed stitches.

I just do NOT want to be seen as that weak fat kid, so I keep all pain, physical or emotional, bottled up in me.
Thats fantastic, you sound like a very interesting person.

I kinda know what you mean with the sports thing, because im very kinesthenically intelligent too. Im 6'3 and 275 lbs though haha. People who dont know me pick me near last in sports because im kinda fat, and people are shocked at how fast i can run. On my high school baseball team i had the fastest time to first base, and on my college team, i was one of the faster kids. But like you, i cant run for long haha...soccer kicked my ass. But ya, people would always say to people running against me, "dont let the catcher beat ya!!" I was also the goalkeeper for soccer, which got me into shape for basketball...Been too long since i played sports.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I'm at some sort of cross-roads right now actually. A few weeks ago I actually made a similar thread on how I'm kind of emotionally retarded when it comes to romance, seeing as I haven't actually felt something for someone since I was about 18 (I'm 23 now). Ironically, a couple days after that I met a girl who I think I am very compatible with. In the last few years, I basically chose quick and easy (consensual, of course) sex over actually connecting with girls, and none of them have stuck around, but it didn't matter to me, because I basically chose not to feel anything for them.

But now I met this girl who I actually like and who I want to be a part of my life, but I'm not exactly sure what people typically do to get "close" to other people. The emotional walls I have built up over my lifespan have been great for business purposes, focusing purely on logic and strategy, but counterproductive for keeping people emotionally invested in my life. Most of my friends are NTs as well, so "emotions" never come up in conversations, it's mainly witty jokes and intuitive thinker discussions about ideas for the future.
Cool. I dont even think I have ever felt something legit for a girl.

But i think that society is so focused on the idea of "true love at first site", and we, as NTs, have no fukin idea what people are talking about, and i think that is a good thing. In my honest opinion, i think that true love doesnt actually exist in the way we think it does. We expect this crazy emotion to hit us in the face, but what it really is, is just a really good friendship, and having someone to care about who cares about you.

I remember when I had my first "intimate encounter" with a girl a few months ago haha. I was expecting some hidden aspect of my emotional self to emerge. But it was just a normal thing, hardly any emotion at all, unless anxiety is an emotion haha. Then after that, i realized that it wasn't the big thing i expected, and now isnt a real problem anymore. In fact i regularly turn the girl down when she wants to get together again....probably because she is annoying as fuck.

Psychologically, the main things that produce love are intimacy, commitment, and romance. Romance is sexual stuff, intimacy is knowing the person and them knowing you, and commitment speaks for itself. Im guessing that intimacy and romance create love, and commitment sustains it. I know i have more "love" for girls that i have known and opened up to than for girls i just fuck.
 
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