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Do you think I'm a 4w5, 4w3 or 3w4?

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Hey! This is my first post on here so I'm a little unsure if this is how this site works, but I'd really like to hear opinions
from you guys on what my enneagram type may be. I'm a female INFJ, and a recent test I took told me that my Enneagram type is 4w5, however, after looking into it a little more I have a feeling that I may be closer to the 3 side, in terms of a wing. I wrote the following diary entry this morning, so I wanted to show that (my most raw, unedited, hopelessly self-absorbed self) in the hopes that by being honest I can actually get to the bottom of this. Here's the entry:


"I feel so conflicted and anxious right now, and it’s because of this whole identity thing. I feel like everything about me is so contradictory that I can’t tell if I’m a 4 or a 3 or a 4w5 or what. There seems to be so much to take from each set.

Obviously I’m very, very, VERY 4-leaning.
- I am very motivated by the idea of creating an identity, of being different. In my wildest beliefs about myself, I tend to feel that I have a special purpose, that will in some way benefit both myself and the world at large in a spiritual way.
- I feel in some ways inherently superior AND inferior to others. (My inherent low self esteem combined with my desire to be special sometimes means I tend to look at myself as I WISH I were rather than how I am; I glean some kind of false/fragile yet desperate ‘self esteem’ from those grandiose beliefs about myself and pass that off as my ‘superiority’; basically, it’s not real, deep self-esteem, it’s just like… a weird off-shoot of my actual terrible self esteem plus the desperation to be special.)
- I look for someone to rescue me, to understand me. I'm preoccupied by the idea of "soul mates" and romance.
- In my truest, most authentic self, I don’t actually care about money and luxury items and prestige and stuff, but I am very very motivated by beauty and aesthetic. I'm a very visual person, and also very perfectionist, often to my own detriment.
- I do value authenticity and saving the world and deep, real meaning and God and having a PURPOSE for living beyond just culture and material things.

But I feel like I am also basically the opposite of that at the same time:
- I do want to create an identity, but not primarily for MY own understanding of myself: so that OTHER people will see me and approve of me. (But maybe that ties right back in to the fact that THEIR perception of me helps to validate MY idea of my own identity, therefore actually making it entirely about me?)

What I’ve kinda come to feel is that I have two motivating forces, that correspond DIRECTLY to my inner world and my outer world. My inner world (4 side?) is a LOT more soul/authenticity/God focused (although still highly motivated by my own personal aesthetic preferences and ideas of beauty).

My other force (3-ish side?) is the thing that comes out when I’m around other people: I basically instantly switch from being my actual authentic self to socially accommodating, maybe a little phoney, and in particular, I become OBSESSED with my looks and whether or not people find me valid, beautiful, interesting, different, special. I become more interested in things like using my age, my university degree, my job, the way I look in order to be considered “valid”, whereas my more “4 side” couldn’t care less about those things and is more concerned with how God sees me than how people see me. I guess that when it comes down to it, I look for real/lasting validation from God and doing things that I think are actually meaningful on a spiritual level, but when I’m unhealthy I tend to look for it from other people based on things that I place some value on in the material plane of existence: beauty, intelligence, etc.

I feel like the first force (the “ME” which is motivated by God/my soul) corresponds more to 4, whereas the second force (the “ME” for 'Them'/my corporeal self?) corresponds maybe more towards 3 or possibly 4w3.

But maybe I’m just confusing this. I had a feeling right now that maybe my desire to present a certain way that is more universally appealing and focused on perceived ‘achievements’ (looks, uni degree, job; i.e, 3-ish traits) actually stems from an underlying desire to be validated, so that I can then re-affirm within myself that I am different and special (4). I’m definitely feeling that I’m leaning more towards a 4w3 than a 4w5."





So, there it is, in all it's narcissistic, neurotic glory lol. I feel scared to post this because as a 4 I do realise how vapid and inconsequential these thoughts I'm having are, but at the same time I feel a deep need to understand WHY I feel this way and possibly how to fix it. That being said though, at least during my corporeal life, I do find validation and a reason to kind of "go on" with the world/life (which I find largely pointless) by deriving pleasure from those earthly pleasures and ego-driven feelings of validation and purpose.

I would really really appreciate any opinions anyone has.
Thank you so much for your time :)
 

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I cannot tell you how much I 100% have so many of these same beliefs, feelings, and ways of looking at things, and my enneagram type is so different than yours. During so many of these parts I actually felt like you were describing me (*whispers* don't tell anyone *shifty eyes*) and can you be my friend, oh my gosh, who said that, what, and then when you mentioned your concerns with God, it hit me like a freight train with some of the things I've been trying to get in touch with myself. I feel like I almost ignore what I need, and it's become a concern especially lately. Although since I have Fi as my Id function, I just know about it, but can't feel it all that well, but I mean, I still can't ignore it; it's important.

One thing that helped me narrow down my enneagram was determining my possible tritypes. At first, I though I was a 1w9 (which is very hard and unlikely for an ENTP to be, but I didn't realize that then), then I realized after a while that it was because I was trying to describe myself in a state in which I was extremely stressed (basically in the Si grips for 3 years), which lead to my integration into a 1.

So I was kind of wondering, and I really don't mean to confuse you even more, but if you were to consider your tritype (because of the array of influences multiple types can have), do you think you're moreso a 4w3 5wX XwX or a 4w5 3wX XwX. Tbh, I hate thinking about the similarities myself of my own type because my logic keeps going around in circles of confusion, but I was hoping maybe this would help a little bit to open up some possible options to look into. Because I don't know it it's the Ne in me or what, but when options are low and it feels like your options are leaving you stuck at a dead end, I find that new ways of looking at things and new ways of thinking or doing things kind of opens up your mind and allows you to relax and process things a little better and even help you find ways through thinking something even possibly better than you could have done before.

Because what would you think about 4w3 5w6 XwX or 4w5 3w2 XwX. It could even be 4w3 5w4 XwX or 4w5 3w4 XwX (this is the part I hate and don't like to think about because personally for mine, it get's really confusing. So plz, ignore that if you want.



Edit: So apparently my brain decided to desert me. You cannot have two heart types in a tritype. As obvious as that is, that's what I did. I am not in the right frame of mind, it's almost 3am at the moment, which is very far off from my sleep schedule, and I'm just bleh. I'm not going to fix that; too much brain power required. Sorry.
 

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@Jest_Please it's impossible to have both 4 and 3 in tritype because they are both heart/image/shame types, you have to have one heart type (2,3,4) one head type (5,6,7) and one gut type (8,9,1)
 

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@Signorina Misteriosa =.= Oh my.... I wasn't thinking, was I...? Sorry about that, thanks a lot for the catch!
 
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