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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ever do something you ultimately, in the end, regret? Whether it's hurting a loved one, losing out on an opportunity, or whatever regrets you may have from previous actions.

I'm having that moment right now. We lock our emotions away at times and when we are not in a good state of mind it can get incredibly unhealthy.

Have you been brooding over something you need to get out?

Here's my internal conflict:

I'm horrible at showing affection. Horrible at it. I don't rightly know why either. All I know is, I hurt my boyfriend with the smallest things, not noticing the detail he left in our meal...noticing his compliments when they are directed at me and I'm working. I feel as if I have let everything else consume my time and I am not putting it towards what matters. Which is my relationship. I analyze everyone else and hardly do I reflect inwardly or with those closest to me. Instead it's like I have a pair of binoculars and everyone else is in sight, whilst the most close and dear things to me are out of my vision. Slowly but surely, it all peels away, and when I notice I'm cold and alone -- that's when it hits me.

I hate it. I've been seeking help for it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I wish I knew what to do but I know that change can only occur if I will it to. My heart is not allowing it but my mind is screaming for it.

Why do I have to be so in my head? Strange for an Extrovert to exclaim that, no?

Sigh. :(
 

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Chatterbox, MOTM August 2013
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No point in brooding over it.

If you make a mistake - admit it, apologize for it, repair any damage, learn from it, resolve not to repeat it, move on.
 

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Ever do something you ultimately, in the end, regret? Whether it's hurting a loved one, losing out on an opportunity, or whatever regrets you may have from previous actions.

I'm having that moment right now. We lock our emotions away at times and when we are not in a good state of mind it can get incredibly unhealthy.

Have you been brooding over something you need to get out?

Here's my internal conflict:

I'm horrible at showing affection. Horrible at it. I don't rightly know why either. All I know is, I hurt my boyfriend with the smallest things, not noticing the detail he left in our meal...noticing his compliments when they are directed at me and I'm working. I feel as if I have let everything else consume my time and I am not putting it towards what matters. Which is my relationship. I analyze everyone else and hardly do I reflect inwardly or with those closest to me. Instead it's like I have a pair of binoculars and everyone else is in sight, whilst the most close and dear things to me are out of my vision. Slowly but surely, it all peels away, and when I notice I'm cold and alone -- that's when it hits me.

I hate it. I've been seeking help for it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I wish I knew what to do but I know that change can only occur if I will it to. My heart is not allowing it but my mind is screaming for it.

Why do I have to be so in my head? Strange for an Extrovert to exclaim that, no?

Sigh. :(
I recognize this.

You are about to build your Fi. In other words, spend time in what you value.

This is what I do: I plan every week in roles. I want to be a good friend for example. So what I do is think when to call who or suprise someone etc. That way I hope to be good in my role as friend and it focusses my energy towards something I care. Moreover, it prevents me from tripping into the same fault again and again, which is neglectic personal emotions/relationships/etcetc.

GL.

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How to fix this going forward? Not sure.

But when your mind dwells on the past, it's because there is no closure. Your mind wants to understand... Wants you to find the lesson in it. You need to identify what happened and why. Why is my mind still thinking about this? What does it want me to take away from it?

I agree. This is your Fi learning to take its first steps.
 

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I agree with Bossy here. Life shouldn't be about regrets. Learn and move on in all honesty.

What if the end of your life was just an infinite replay of the events of your life. Living with regret is basically just saying that you're going to make your own hell. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Don't dwell on the past because that's the past you. Present you isn't past you.
 

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agreed with all the rest-welcome to growing pains. Sorry :-(

Do the things that make you uncomfortable. Find out why you are doing what you don't like so you can better learn from it. This will help to curtail the repetition. It's not easy, but congratulations on recognizing it.
 

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I'd say @Nighty88 has a good idea, planning it in roles. Also set expectations of your significant other; tell them if you're focused or working on something, you simply aren't wired to deal with or respond to personal interaction.

Expectations are key.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all for your insight.
@wiarumas you explained it perfectly, it's because I have no closure. Because I don't understand why it is happening.

Happy to hear that I may in fact be learning to develop my Fi, as you and @Nighty88 pointed out. Very valuable to recognize that amidst all of this volatility around emotions.

While I would be inclined to agree with your method @MsBossyPants, if the answer or reasons were very obvious, I'd be executing this very thing. Learning and moving on. But I'm clearly not learning from these experiences because I don't know why.

To clarify @Devil my life isn't about regrets. I just happen to have this one regret that is eating my alive. And this regret tends to come back again, from time to time.
@Revenant, yes expectations are often set, but if I don't say them in the right way he feels rejected. Not really sure how to get around that sticky situation but I feel as if that is a personal problem of his we will need to work on together.
 

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Chatterbox, MOTM August 2013
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... I hate it. I've been seeking help for it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I wish I knew what to do but I know that change can only occur if I will it to. My heart is not allowing it but my mind is screaming for it ...
This stood out to me. If your concern is that you truly want to be able to open up and to be more attentive and able to express affection, but something is stopping you, shouldn't it be the other way around:

My head is not allowing it, but my heart is screaming for it.

...Here's my internal conflict:
I'm horrible at showing affection. Horrible at it. I don't rightly know why either. All I know is, I hurt my boyfriend with the smallest things ...
It sounds like your head is holding you back, not your heart.

So what's your head telling you that's holding you back from showing that affection?
 
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Sounds like there's a bunch of factors in play.
Firstly it doesn't sound like you don't know what you have to because you know what you have to do however you don't know how to work on his reaction. Sounds like he is very sensitive - I mean you just said that 'if I don't say it in the right way he feels rejected' that's pretty much walking on eggshells there.
As Bossy noted what seems to be stopping you is your head not your heart. So does putting both of them together mean that you have expressed something from your heart and he's not able to accept the way you've said it and thus got hurt and the reaction has left you confused/upset and you're unsure of what to say the next time (or maybe there's a repeat cycle)?
There seems to be something missing here because your regret here doesn't come purely from you but from his reaction to how you express yourself - which ultimately upsets the two of you.
Closure requires patterns not to repeat but is it that the patterns just repeat because it's just interaction?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Sounds like there's a bunch of factors in play.
Firstly it doesn't sound like you don't know what you have to because you know what you have to do however you don't know how to work on his reaction. Sounds like he is very sensitive - I mean you just said that 'if I don't say it in the right way he feels rejected' that's pretty much walking on eggshells there.
As Bossy noted what seems to be stopping you is your head not your heart. So does putting both of them together mean that you have expressed something from your heart and he's not able to accept the way you've said it and thus got hurt and the reaction has left you confused/upset and you're unsure of what to say the next time (or maybe there's a repeat cycle)?
There seems to be something missing here because your regret here doesn't come purely from you but from his reaction to how you express yourself - which ultimately upsets the two of you.
Closure requires patterns not to repeat but is it that the patterns just repeat because it's just interaction?
Eggshells is an appropriate way to describe the way I have to tiptoe around everything.

I also have a slight case of anxiety, which he likes to pin point and claim is the issue of our problems rather than self reflecting and see how he can improve. "It's more your issue than mine.", and yet he never tells me if he is upset until it is too late. What room is there for a relationship, period if he can't even communicate the problem. Seems like I'm stressing over something, when the answer is quite clear. It's in my head and he's making me feel guilty and feel as if I am completely at fault, when I'm the only one trying to fix things.
 

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@Miso I think you need to address this with him alright. It does seem like you've figured the cause which is good. Compromise is needed but it seems like you're crossing over to his end of the bridge rather than meeting in the middle.
 

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@Miso I think you need to address this with him alright. It does seem like you've figured the cause which is good. Compromise is needed but it seems like you're crossing over to his end of the bridge rather than meeting in the middle.
+1
 

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It's hard to say what your real issue is without talking to you more and getting to know you some. So in place of that, I'm going to talk about my roommate, because I think you might be able to relate some and understand.

She's very introverted. Doesn't talk much, never says hey unless I do, has never once asked how I am, never thanked me for a single dinner I made, never looks me in the eye, never listens to me in conversations and can only talk about herself, hides in her room most of the time, doesn't have friends, etc.

She's completely wrapped up in her thoughts. Focused on how she doesn't like the apartment, doesn't like that it's small, doesn't like that she has to have a roommate, doesn't like that school is taking her so long, doesn't like that she's in her thirties and in school, so on and so forth.

So when we look at her, what's important to her? Getting a job, getting money, finding happiness by having life go perfectly according to plan and giving her what she wants. What happens when someone does that?

They miss the moment.

What's in the moment? Someone taking time to make us dinner. Someone being interested in us. Someone showing us affection. Someone saying hey and asking how we are everyday without fail.

Life isn't about the end. It's not about the destination and it most certainly isn't about your thoughts and plans. It's about the journey. And on the journey we have the chance to walk alongside others, and if you're focused on the destination, on hiding yourself, on trying to hold on to what little peace you have because you got issues and can't be open to life with other people, you're going to completely miss the opportunities to walk with amazing people. When you stop appreciating the things you have, you've already lost them. When you stop connecting to other people, you can hardly expect a relationship to grow.

I hope you could find something useful in that.
 
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