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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so when I first moved to my town for college, I went to this reggae concert. I met a guy there, and we clicked immediately. He kissed me and we talked for hours, and we went on a date that night and he bought me a burrito. He was pretty sweet too. He walked me home, and after that we went on a couple more dates as well. We stopped texting as much though, but his friend got my number (I don't know how) and he's been flirting with me non-stop for months, even though I have not texted him back.

He literally sent about 23 texts in a row, and I ignored his snapchats religiously. So this was all fine with me, but last night when I was walking home from a party alone, I walked by a restaurant where the guy I like (along with his friend) were sitting. I quickly said hi and continued walking.

They caught up with me, and followed me home. I would be fine with the guy I like hanging out with me like this, but not the friend.. lord not the friend. It was so uncomfortable. They hung out in my room watching soccer videos, but there's only my bed and the chair, and the friend took the bed and occasionally tried grazing my leg with his hand.

Then when they left, the friend texted me at 4am saying "Want to come over and do homework? It's silent here. Today?" uhhhhhh no thank you. What do I do? I never want to see that guy again, but I like his friend who lives next door.
 

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Did you tell the creepy friend that you're definitely not interested?
Be firm with him about your lack of interest and after that go back to ignoring him completely.

I don't know the level of intimacy you and the guy you like have but I think that suggesting to go on date alone could be a good start. If you really like him, once you get closer, you can be honest and explain that his friend's behavior is making you uncomfortable and you don't want to hang out with him around. Obviously you can't ask this guy to stop his friend but you can voice your uneasiness.

I know it can be scary and there's fear of rejection. But hypothetically, if his friend kept bothering you after you told him to stop and your crush dismissed your feelings then it wouldn't be worth it.

Of course, it's easier to stick with a friend but this guy sounds like a human version of an OkCupid profile.
Obviously a (potential) SO is free to hang out with whoever they want but that doesn't imply excusing harassment. I understand social awkwardness which is why you need to be more straightforward.

I know it's hard and redundant but sometimes you need to establish your boundaries more explicitly.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Did you tell the creepy friend that you're definitely not interested?
Be firm with him about your lack of interest and after that go back to ignoring him completely.

I don't know the level of intimacy you and the guy you like have but I think that suggesting to go on date alone could be a good start. If you really like him, once you get closer, you can be honest and explain that his friend's behavior is making you uncomfortable and you don't want to hang out with him around. Obviously you can't ask this guy to stop his friend but you can voice your uneasiness.

I know it can be scary and there's fear of rejection. But hypothetically, if his friend kept bothering you after you told him to stop and your crush dismissed your feelings then it wouldn't be worth it.

Of course, it's easier to stick with a friend but this guy sounds like a human version of an OkCupid profile.
Obviously a (potential) SO is free to hang out with whoever they want but that doesn't imply excusing harassment. I understand social awkwardness which is why you need to be more straightforward.

I know it's hard and redundant but sometimes you need to establish your boundaries more explicitly.
What do I do if i've told the friend that i'm not interested, and his response was "No worries we'll just be friends," and then he continued acting the exact same way with the flirting, but just denying his feelings every time I brought it up
 

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What do I do if i've told the friend that i'm not interested, and his response was "No worries we'll just be friends," and then he continued acting the exact same way with the flirting, but just denying his feelings every time I brought it up
He's being creepy and dishonest so you can either call him out on it, ask your crush to not include him in your hangouts while explaining why or just avoid him as much as possible. Calling him out on his creepiness would be the best option but it really depends on your confidence levels.
 

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I'm not sure I get rapey from what you've said, but he does sound like he has boundary issues and might be a bit creepy?. Does the creepy friend know you're interested in the guy next door? Because if he doesn't know, it might seem to him like he has a shot. He has your number somehow and you have hung out with him. Just a thought. He might not even be a creep, maybe he is just a bit clueless. I doubt he is planning to rape you...
 
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Either the guy you like isn't that interested in you and gave his friend your number. Or his friend used some mad ninjutsu to grab your number from his friend's phone and is stalking you on his own initiative.

Have you asked the first guy how his friend has your number? Does he know his friend stalks you?
 

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What do I do if i've told the friend that i'm not interested, and his response was "No worries we'll just be friends," and then he continued acting the exact same way with the flirting, but just denying his feelings every time I brought it up
Sounds like you are being a tad ambiguous and that he is not good at reading between the lines (or won't take "no" as an answer.)

You have to initiate no contact. Tell him in a straightforward manner that you are not interested in him and won't be interested in him. Tell him that you don't appreciate his flirting and texting and that he should not contact you again. Be firm and leave no room for doubt.

Be prepared to lose the friendship of the other guy - the one that you like - if necessary.

Don't play games with this. Don't be coy or ambiguous. Establish clear boundaries. If those boundaries are ignored, call the police and get a restraining order. This is how stalking starts. Don't be a statistic.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sounds like you are being a tad ambiguous and that he is not good at reading between the lines (or won't take "no" as an answer.)

You have to initiate no contact. Tell him in a straightforward manner that you are not interested in him and won't be interested in him. Tell him that you don't appreciate his flirting and texting and that he should not contact you again. Be firm and leave no room for doubt.

Be prepared to lose the friendship of the other guy - the one that you like - if necessary.

Don't play games with this. Don't be coy or ambiguous. Establish clear boundaries. If those boundaries are ignored, call the police and get a restraining order. This is how stalking starts. Don't be a statistic.
Thank you. It's true, this is what I need to do..
 

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As has been said, tell him clearly that you do not want to have any kind of relationship or contact with him and then ignore him completely.
Do not ever respond to any of his messages after you told him to stop because if you answer after the 25th message, then he will think "if I send 25 more messages she will answer back". If possible avoid the places where you are likely to meet him for some time. Considering your gut feelings and his attitude, never ever stay alone with him, even if it means having to seem rude.
 

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Kinda mean to say he's giving you rape vibes when, so far, his only offensive is an inability read social queues. Tell him you're not interested in him straight up. I don't know if you don't want him to be around you at all any more or just to dial down the flirting but make sure he understands whichever one it is. Be prepared to potentially lose the interest of the friend though, c'est la vie.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Kinda mean to say he's giving you rape vibes when, so far, his only offensive is an inability read social queues. Tell him you're not interested in him straight up. I don't know if you don't want him to be around you at all any more or just to dial down the flirting but make sure he understands whichever one it is. Be prepared to potentially lose the interest of the friend though, c'est la vie.
ehh.. I know it's mean.. but the last text he sent at 4 in the morning asking if I was free to come study? Also I did not mention that I did hang out with him once. He refused to leave the apartment and insisted that I stay at his place, with only him, get incredibly drunk, and go to his bedroom.
 

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It is not mean. If you feel like your safety is endangered "being mean" means nothing. So many people end up being assaulted because they decided not to listen to their instinct because "it's mean", "I must be imagining things", "I have no proof", "it s not fair for this person".
You don't own people anything. You don't have to be nice or spend time with people who make you feel uncomfortable, don't respect your boundaries or try to control you. Never overlook your personal safety to spare someone's feelings.
Better safe then sorry, especially in this kind of cases.

Also, I am sorry to have to say this, but I would take advices coming from males with a grain of salt in this kind of situation because they are very likely to think "if I liked a girl and she started to ignore me I would feel sad" and thus advice you to downplay your reactions without really taking your safety into account. When we women walk in the street we can generally tell in advance which males are going to harass us or not. We feel it, we know it. It does not come from nowhere.
You probably have more experience in profiling potential dangerous people then you realise, just trust your instinct.
 

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so when I first moved to my town for college, I went to this reggae concert. I met a guy there, and we clicked immediately. He kissed me and we talked for hours, and we went on a date that night and he bought me a burrito. He was pretty sweet too. He walked me home, and after that we went on a couple more dates as well. We stopped texting as much though, but his friend got my number (I don't know how) and he's been flirting with me non-stop for months, even though I have not texted him back.

He literally sent about 23 texts in a row, and I ignored his snapchats religiously. So this was all fine with me, but last night when I was walking home from a party alone, I walked by a restaurant where the guy I like (along with his friend) were sitting. I quickly said hi and continued walking.

They caught up with me, and followed me home. I would be fine with the guy I like hanging out with me like this, but not the friend.. lord not the friend. It was so uncomfortable. They hung out in my room watching soccer videos, but there's only my bed and the chair, and the friend took the bed and occasionally tried grazing my leg with his hand.

Then when they left, the friend texted me at 4am saying "Want to come over and do homework? It's silent here. Today?" uhhhhhh no thank you. What do I do? I never want to see that guy again, but I like his friend who lives next door.

You probably dont want to be the yoko ono of the situation, but honestly, his friend is crossing the line, invading your space, and you shouldnt have to put up with that crap. I dont like to give advice, as I dont know all the details and I dont want to be the cause of something. But you have the right to make boundaries, tell the guy to cut that shit out, that you do not like him in that way, and you do not appreciate the sexual harassment. But if his eyes are too rapey, then you should probably confide in the friend you like, to be safe.. tell him about it, and see what his reactions are. If he addresses it to his friend and the behavior stops, than you know he is a quality person and worth your time, but if he doesn't do this, because his friendship or whatever, than he really isnt worth your time. I dont know how this guy is you like, but i once heard a saying, judge a person by the company they keep, he maybe rapey too, but he hides better. I don't know anyone in that situation, just giving things to consider.
 

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Trust your instincts. Shows up up instincts are often spot-on. Seriously, better safe than sorry. If you feel a 'rapey vibe', stay away. There is a huge difference in taking care of yourself and telling everyone you know about a 'rapey vibe'. The latter is unfair to the guy in question, the former is fair to you.

I think that you should take this as an opportunity to learn to set boundaries early on and to not be too trusting.
For example:
- when you give someone your phone number, make it a habit to say "My privacy is very important to me. I don't share my X (phone number, address, place of employment, what have you) lightly. Please do not share any of my personal information with anyone else." No excuses or explanations needed.
- do not show people who you don't know well where you live, work, study, hang out, etc.

It's not dishonest, paranoid or impolite to guard your privacy. It's your right to do so and many times just common sense.
 

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This is how so many stalker stories begin on the subreddit True Stories of Creepy Encounters


Trust your gut, lady. You're smart to not succumb to "being nice"; keep ignoring him like you're doing.

Unfortunately, some guys are kind of stupid and delusional, so going the direct route and making it clear that you have someone else in your life and are not interested might help you out.

Does your man friend know about his flirtatious advances?
 

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If you're ever in a situation like that again, call him out on it. He tries to touch you? You can say, "Hey, hands off." Slap his hand away. Something as simple as, "Yo dude, boundaries." or "Hey, personal bubble." Say it loud so others can hear.

Just stop responding to his texts all together. Block him in necessary.

You need to be firm and clear.
 

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MOTM May 2011
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Trust your instincts. Shows up up instincts are often spot-on. Seriously, better safe than sorry. If you feel a 'rapey vibe', stay away. There is a huge difference in taking care of yourself and telling everyone you know about a 'rapey vibe'. The latter is unfair to the guy in question, the former is fair to you.

I think that you should take this as an opportunity to learn to set boundaries early on and to not be too trusting.
For example:
- when you give someone your phone number, make it a habit to say "My privacy is very important to me. I don't share my X (phone number, address, place of employment, what have you) lightly. Please do not share any of my personal information with anyone else." No excuses or explanations needed.
- do not show people who you don't know well where you live, work, study, hang out, etc.

It's not dishonest, paranoid or impolite to guard your privacy. It's your right to do so and many times just common sense.
It is unsettling to me that it is necessary to advise others not to randomly pass out your phone number (or other personal information.) That should go without saying.

For any that are reading this and are unsure how a request for someone's personal information is handled, the answer is to say, "I will pass on your information to them so they can contact you."

That, and use BlackBerry Messenger. No personal information is exchanged and you can block them if it gets weird.
 

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Also, I am sorry to have to say this, but I would take advices coming from males with a grain of salt in this kind of situation because they are very likely to think "if I liked a girl and she started to ignore me I would feel sad" and thus advice you to downplay your reactions without really taking your safety into account. When we women walk in the street we can generally tell in advance which males are going to harass us or not. We feel it, we know it. It does not come from nowhere.
You probably have more experience in profiling potential dangerous people then you realise, just trust your instinct.
Really?!? I'm one advising caution in this thread... your comment comes across as sexist.
 
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