Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 33 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,325 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I've never been the victim or perpetrator of home-wrecking, but I have seen it happen amongst acquaintances. I can't help but find myself watching how things unfolds and making a mental note "beware of.. *so and so*".

I have a tendency to, once I realize somebody is in a relationship, back away and respect/admire their relationship. I see couples as a unit. Makes me sad when I witness break ups. I always put my hopes and aspirations into their relationship... cheering from the sidelines that they make it to their happily forever after.

What's your thoughts on home-wrecking (to clarify, I mean it in the sense of trying to obtain someone else's significant other - husband, wife, fiance, boyfriend, girlfriend)?

Have you ever been the victim of or done some home-wrecking yourself?

What are you feelings on the matter?

Curios to see what other INFJs feel about the home-wreckers... and also curious how INFJs have dealt with situations like that! Do you back away immediately? Or do you step in and fight them off? Do you say something? If so, who do you say those things to?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
86 Posts
I've never done it myself, mostly because once I find out someone is in a relationship it's like something clicks in my head that just says "ok, unobtainable goods, time to be friends and move along". However, I did have a friend that had her boyfriend cheat on her several times with different girls. That was kind of sad to watch and of course I was the go-to person to wipe away the tears. It's kind of hard to say...on one hand I think that both parties in said relationship should know what they want but if they deviate then that says volumes I would think.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,325 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
However, I did have a friend that had her boyfriend cheat on her several times with different girls. That was kind of sad to watch and of course I was the go-to person to wipe away the tears.
Agh, that's heartbreaking :sad: makes me angry at the guy!

It's kind of hard to say...on one hand I think that both parties in said relationship should know what they want but if they deviate then that says volumes I would think.
Totally agree with that sentiment. That's why I often wonder if being the victim of a home-wrecking is a blessing in disguise? A cruel one at that :frustrating:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
I have something of a unique perspective here...

I was friends with a girl from my college. I was attracted to her, sure, but she had a long-distance boyfriend and I didn't really believe it was my right to screw around with a relationship.

We clicked really well without me trying to seduce her, or anything like that... she was at a point where she said she couldn't decide whether or not to stay with her boyfriend or break up with him and start dating me. She was torn.

I told her to stay with her boyfriend. I chased her off basically.

Anyhow... that ended up being a mistake. She had a bit of an emotional breakdown, slowly began to hate my guts (to my confusion), terminated our friendship, and terminated her friendsihp with all of our mutual friends and eventually transferred out, when she'd been planning on staying...

So that's maybe a case where I should have been more aggressive... and I should have stepped up and been a home-wrecker. She didn't seem all too happy with her previous boyfriend... and we were really happy together. Maybe I just needed to lead the way.

Of course, what does everyone else think about that kind of situation? :laughing: Sorry to flip this thread on it's head.

I've never done it myself, mostly because once I find out someone is in a relationship it's like something clicks in my head that just says "ok, unobtainable goods, time to be friends and move along". However, I did have a friend that had her boyfriend cheat on her several times with different girls. That was kind of sad to watch and of course I was the go-to person to wipe away the tears. It's kind of hard to say...on one hand I think that both parties in said relationship should know what they want but if they deviate then that says volumes I would think.
It's goo that you did damage control. Some people are just too immature to handle committment. And that really is a shame.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,097 Posts
Interesting topic btw :)

I've don't remember doing any home wrecking(maybe in my younger years), When its at the breaking up stage I try to fix it, compromise on anything. I don't want to break a relationship and wonder what as happened so i stick though to the end even If i don't want to.

It's basically over when when the other person walks away because I don't want any regrets that I didn't' try my best. afterwards i will finish destroying the rest of the remains and move on.

[ I think this is what you meant but I'm not sure]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
543 Posts
Well, No one can wreck a home all by themselves.

But then, yeah i've been really attracted to a military man, who wanted to 'take care' of me
i've posted this on another thread.
When i know someone isn't 'Single' i back off. i wouldn't want that happening to my relationship
so why deal it out.

I have a friend who keeps collecting stuff from a married dude. Even though she says she doesn't intend to get 'involved' with him, I've told her to be careful if the man wants to wreck his home, don't let him add you to the equation.

finito.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,990 Posts
It's kind of hard to say...on one hand I think that both parties in said relationship should know what they want but if they deviate then that says volumes I would think.
I'm getting really good at guessing correctly if a certain individual is prone to such behaviour, or what exactly he might do in a relationship

the trouble (for me) starts when I see them in a relationship with a girl I know (like from dance class) and I really want to tell her that the guy seems shady, but I might be wrong every 1/10 cases, plus I don't want to seem like an overly controlling nutter with people I don't want for myself

so I have to sort of fight the internal tyranny of preemptively ruining relationships aaaaaaaaaaaa

my head hurts, this is overly complicated

anyway, people who do this are, quite simply, deranged and have major problems in playing well with others

also, if a man can be taken over easily, what does that say about him? I think it says his value drops tremendously
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
One has no rational obligation to protect the relationship of someone they desire. If the individual inside the relationship if enabling and fostering intimacy outside of their relationship, the relationship means nothing anyways.

I find it odd that people try to protect broken things. And, unsurprisingly, the morality of the situation escapes me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
86 Posts
One has no rational obligation to protect the relationship of someone they desire. If the individual inside the relationship if enabling and fostering intimacy outside of their relationship, the relationship means nothing anyways.

I find it odd that people try to protect broken things. And, unsurprisingly, the morality of the situation escapes me.
Haha I love thinkers. I actually think it's good that you've put an objective spin on things. It's hard to explain why we try to protect and fix "broken" things. I think in a sense we're very optimistic and hopeful, and that combined with our empathy and sympathy it's like we want to see nothing but that person get up and keep moving forward. I remember when I used to confuse this feeling of being happy and proud that someone is helping themselves with love.

Gosh being an INFJ is freaking confusing sometimes...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,553 Posts
I am a homewrecker by accident

To date I've broken up 3 couples

Mind you, they were trashy relationships to begin with, so it's nothing to be proud of really :/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,097 Posts
One has no rational obligation to protect the relationship of someone they desire. If the individual inside the relationship if enabling and fostering intimacy outside of their relationship, the relationship means nothing anyways.

I find it odd that people try to protect broken things. And, unsurprisingly, the morality of the situation escapes me.
Its not meant to be rational only meaningful to want to protect a relationship given I do desire to be more rational.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
One has no rational obligation to protect the relationship of someone they desire. If the individual inside the relationship if enabling and fostering intimacy outside of their relationship, the relationship means nothing anyways.

I find it odd that people try to protect broken things. And, unsurprisingly, the morality of the situation escapes me.
I agree on how people seem to try to protect and hold together broken things. This is a poor metaphor (but the only one I can think of at this moment). Let's say there's a shattered glass cup (that symbolizes the relationship). Some people will try excessively to put the pieces of the glass cup together and in the process of doing so, they'll hurt their hands with the pieces of the glass. They'll arrange the pieces so that the pieces best resemble the cup (relationship) the way it used to be. But bottom line: the pieces arent' perfect, there are pieces that flew off into the floor that are too small to pick up, and you'll keep hurting your hands by holding the pieces together, not to mention, that you can't do anything, because you're so busy holding together the cup.

I think I spend a good deal of time at first trying to put the pieces together, but once I realize that I'm in the process of trying to rearrange the pieces, I realize that the relationship is broken and beyond repair. I'll sweep up the pieces and throw them into a trash can - but this is the hardest part. There's always pieces (the small, sharp ones) that don't get swept up and every so often, I step on one and have a painful reminder. And I always dwell on how I threw the cup away, and it will take me a long time (maybe months, years) before I can dump the contents of the trash can into the dumpster, to be taken away to a land dump, forever out of my mind and sight.

As to how I'd deal with a potential home-wreck situation... my immediate instinct would be to keep my distance, regardless of which actor I am. If I am a part of the couple, I would have to reassess my relationship with my SO. After all, it takes two for a home-wreck to occur and such occurs when there are things that need to be fixed or thrown out in a relationship. If I were the "other," I'd still distance myself and reassess my position with this person. I would most likely INFJ doorslam them before feelings could develop, because I've experienced first-hand how powerfully emotions can sway an INFJ from doing the right thing sometimes; it will also most likely result in an emotionally complicated and painful experience for me. It might be hard at first, but I would keep this distance so that the couple's relationship will play out on their own; thus it is laissez-faire on my part. This is because if I meet someone in a relationship, I start viewing the couple as a "unit" comprised of two equal people and I don't want to be implicated in any shattering of this identity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
Haha I love thinkers. I actually think it's good that you've put an objective spin on things. It's hard to explain why we try to protect and fix "broken" things. I think in a sense we're very optimistic and hopeful, and that combined with our empathy and sympathy it's like we want to see nothing but that person get up and keep moving forward. I remember when I used to confuse this feeling of being happy and proud that someone is helping themselves with love.
Understandable, I suppose. And, you made me laugh at the phrase, "objective spin." :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
543 Posts
One has no rational obligation to protect the relationship of someone they desire. If the individual inside the relationship if enabling and fostering intimacy outside of their relationship, the relationship means nothing anyways.

I find it odd that people try to protect broken things. And, unsurprisingly, the morality of the situation escapes me.
If...that's the key word anyway.
Not all relationships are 'broken' at first
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
394 Posts
Well homewrecker is a strong word when there isn't a marriage, but I've been on the wrecking side of a relationship sadly.

Though in rhetrospect had I not been around it would have been someone else. Basically the girl in that reltationship started flirting with me, and I knowing she was in a relationship resisted all romantic openings and gestures for about 6 months.

Of course I, and I learned from this, not being smart enough thought it's ok if I'm her friend though. And for whatever reason our personalities clicked and we spent more and more time together. Eventually I couldn't resist her other advances any more.

Of course things went down hill from there. The guiltiest person in a homewrecking situation, I'd actually argue is not the outside force but the inside force.

It takes two to tango, and it's the person on the inside whose job it is to respect their current relationship.

BUT, from my point of view, the lesson learned was respect yourself enough to demand a legitamate relationship from the start, none of this other man crap.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
If...that's the key word anyway.
Not all relationships are 'broken' at first
Well of course. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to have any kind of intimacy or romantic feelings without the other person reciprocating. If the other person was truly happy in their relationship, I wouldn't get anything back, I don't think. There's that word again though.

One may not know it's broken until something better comes along, sure. In the end, the one in the relationship must make a choice: fix what they're in, or try someone new.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
Well homewrecker is a strong word when there isn't a marriage, but I've been on the wrecking side of a relationship sadly.

Though in rhetrospect had I not been around it would have been someone else. Basically the girl in that reltationship started flirting with me, and I knowing she was in a relationship resisted all romantic openings and gestures for about 6 months.

Of course I, and I learned from this, not being smart enough thought it's ok if I'm her friend though. And for whatever reason our personalities clicked and we spent more and more time together. Eventually I couldn't resist her other advances any more.

Of course things went down hill from there. The guiltiest person in a homewrecking situation, I'd actually argue is not the outside force but the inside force.

It takes two to tango, and it's the person on the inside whose job it is to respect their current relationship.

BUT, from my point of view, the lesson learned was respect yourself enough to demand a legitamate relationship from the start, none of this other man crap.
100% truth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
59 Posts
Fifteen years ago this topic would have seemed very black and white to me. I would have said... If you are cheating on your spouse or if you are the "other" man/woman, than your morals suck! I thought that any man that would cheat on his wife was a chronic loser. Turns out that is not necessarily the case. Sure, I still think there are some people who are chronic cheaters - they get some sort of sick pleasure from cheating on their spouse or hunting down and winning over a married conquest. These people I would call "homewreckers". But I now feel pretty certain that most cheating occurs because one or more of the parties in a commited relationship is profoundly unhappy. Sure, the mature (and right) thing to do is either fix the relationship, or leave it if it can't be fixed. But sometimes, people just aren't that proactive, they don't even realize how unhappy they are, and/or they feel that they can't leave their spouse for some reason.

This realization came to me when I became "the other woman". I fell in love with a married man. It just happened - we worked very closely together and so we were together all the time. I never pursued him. In fact, I actually in good faith tried to help him improve his relationship with his wife. I pushed him into going into counseling (including couples counseling with his wife). This man and I were in love with each other for several months and at that point had not been physically intimate. But despite the lack of physical intimacy, I felt horribly guilty at first. But as my emotions for him grew, my feeling of guilt lessened. Eventually though, I felt that I could not be happy being in love with a person that I could never have a commitment with, so I broke it off. He eventually left his wife. I know I triggered that, but I have no more feelings of guilt. The way I see it is if I had never met him one of two things would have happened 1) someone or something else would have prompted him to realize how utterly unhappy he was and he would have left her anyway or 2) he would still be in that marriage and would continue to be emotionally dead.

From this experience I gained an appreciation for how complicated these kinds of situations can be. I'm no longer quick to judge others when I hear that they've cheated. I'm also much more aware now of how easy it is to be controlled by your emotions instead of your head. Granted I'm an INFJ, and we are supposedly ruled by our feelings, but that J had always given me an amazing amount of self-control. I never imagined I could get to the point where my emotions would rule out over my good judgement. So now I realize the risk of getting too personal with someone of the opposite sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
Fifteen years ago this topic would have seemed very black and white to me. I would have said... If you are cheating on your spouse or if you are the "other" man/woman, than your morals suck! I thought that any man that would cheat on his wife was a chronic loser. Turns out that is not necessarily the case. Sure, I still think there are some people who are chronic cheaters - they get some sort of sick pleasure from cheating on their spouse or hunting down and winning over a married conquest. These people I would call "homewreckers". But I now feel pretty certain that most cheating occurs because one or more of the parties in a commited relationship is profoundly unhappy. Sure, the mature (and right) thing to do is either fix the relationship, or leave it if it can't be fixed. But sometimes, people just aren't that proactive, they don't even realize how unhappy they are, and/or they feel that they can't leave their spouse for some reason.
Yeah. Sometimes people feel trapped.

I remember one of the things that she said to me in my case... she looked me dead in the eye and said... "How do I know that things will be any better with someone else?" I answered frankly "You don't".

it was clear she was considering leaving him... but she was afraid she'd leave the evil she knew for the evil she didn't.

This realization came to me when I became "the other woman". I fell in love with a married man. It just happened - we worked very closely together and so we were together all the time. I never pursued him. In fact, I actually in good faith tried to help him improve his relationship with his wife.
Same.

We do do our damnest to help :D and for me it was with a growing sense of guilt that rather than solving the problems of a relationship... I was being use as a temporary band-aid to deal with the shortcomings of it.

And we face the threat of people becoming dependent on our support... or our advise.

I pushed him into going into counseling (including couples counseling with his wife). This man and I were in love with each other for several months and at that point had not been physically intimate.
In all likelihood he was allowing the intimacy to develope between you two because he was lacking it elsewhere.

I hope it didn't end badly
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,229 Posts
Home wrecking simply comes from within the home. There is something dreadfully wrong with the relationship...be it one or the other straying or both in some way...another person, work, hobbies, alcohol, drugs. etc. There are many mistresses. Both parties end up having issues with each other. Sometimes it is fixable, sometimes not. Very hard to say. It depends on their personalities, and the situation they are in. There are so many factors that can cause a very unhappy & unhealthy relationship. A relationship is full of colors in many shades. It is in no way black & white.

As for the other person senario, both male & females are capable of this. If you are the one to be the other person, I suggest walking away if you can. If you don't wallk away, you will have to prepare yourself for pain whether it works out for you or not. How to know if it will happen to you? There is no answer. How can you stop it from happening? Give all that you have to give is the only answer I can come up with. But once in a relationship, don't dwell on the possibility that it may happen...this in its' self could destroy the relationship. I started to write a ton more, but I went around in a huge circle! Look deeper into a relationship that is in trouble. The issue of "the other" in place is a blatant sign of something wrong in said relationship, but there is much more to it than just that. If a friend of yours comes to you for help, be there for them by helping them to figure out what way they want to handle their situation. Give no judgment of the other person in the relationship.

As for someone who is separated & showing interest toward me, I might be inclined to pay attention...watch and see how both sides develop...but still one needs to prepare for the pain that surely will come. Divorce is almost equal to death. One must walk through the 5 stages of grief.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ethanol
1 - 20 of 33 Posts
Top