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Discussion Starter #1
I guess I'm just looking for a bit of sympathy.

I met a friend for lunch. I don't know her type, but this specific friend tends to get angry fairly easily. She's very intelligent, and when she's in a good mood I really enjoy her company. However, when she's in one of her bad moods, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells; it's inevitable that I will somehow offend her. Today, everything I said, she challenged. Because she was so argumentative, I found that I was not fully explaining what I was saying, and often I would just stop speaking altogether. At one point I was speaking, but I could tell I had upset her, so I didn't finish explaining myself. She left abruptly. I asked if we were ok and she said yes, but I could tell we weren't. Later she left me an angry voice mail. I e-mailed her an apology because I was too upset to speak to her.

I hate fighting with people, and I hate that I hurt her feelings, but I also feel hurt myself. Why did she treat me the way she did? How could I not offend her when she came in such an antagonistic mood?

Does anyone else have a friend (or any kind of relationship with someone) like this? If so, how do you deal?
 

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I guess I'm just looking for a bit of sympathy.

I met a friend for lunch. I don't know her type, but this specific friend tends to get angry fairly easily. She's very intelligent, and when she's in a good mood I really enjoy her company. However, when she's in one of her bad moods, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells; it's inevitable that I will somehow offend her. Today, everything I said, she challenged. Because she was so argumentative, I found that I was not fully explaining what I was saying, and often I would just stop speaking altogether. At one point I was speaking, but I could tell I had upset her, so I didn't finish explaining myself. She left abruptly. I asked if we were ok and she said yes, but I could tell we weren't. Later she left me an angry voice mail. I e-mailed her an apology because I was too upset to speak to her.

I hate fighting with people, and I hate that I hurt her feelings, but I also feel hurt myself. Why did she treat me the way she did? How could I not offend her when she came in such an antagonistic mood?

Does anyone else have a friend (or any kind of relationship with someone) like this? If so, how do you deal?
Very sorry to hear about your friend, Britt.

Sometimes I find analyzing people helps me cope.

If I were in your shoes I'd probably think along these lines. Argumentative people generally are very frustrated on the inside and she probably entered the situation with a deep sense of frustration.

It's retreating from my Fe to my Ti. Maybe it'll help you too.
 

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I do that too^ I am pretty sick of meeting people like these but when I do, I try to detach myself.. Sometimes the person actually has issues in their past they haven't resolved and they are remembering them at the moment, and taking it out on everyone. And I've also met a few where it's just something they can't control in themselves. They're also quick to say I don't want to 'control my emotions', they see it as bad. One I know to be a very good and loving person, and she feels bad if she hurts someone..but she does it anyway. :frustrating: In the end I've sort of decided that I'm going to stay away from these people as much I can because it does have an effect on me, and anyway some of them are hopeless even if you try to help them
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks both of you. I think you're both right. I know this friend does have some issues in her past that she hasn't fully overcome. Plus, she's one of the only black students in our graduate program, which I know makes her feel a bit outcast at times. I try to keep these things in my mind, but at some point I can't help but think, "Problems or no problems, I just can't take this! It isn't fair to me!" I feel selfish then, but I have to protect myself at some point.

In the past when this sort of thing has happened, I've thought that maybe it would be best to distance myself from her. However, we're both students in a small program, which makes it difficult not to encounter each other frequently. Plus, we're in a small town and there aren't a lot of other people my age to connect with. I feel like I don't have enough friends to start people out.

However, I think she's going to be upset by my apology. I was upset when I wrote it, so although I stand by what I told her, it was not as sympathetic or accommodating as my apologies to her usually are.
 

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In the past when this sort of thing has happened, I've thought that maybe it would be best to distance myself from her.
That'd probably be my next move. But as you said... there are complications. Maybe you could be friendly when you see her... but not really go out of your way to see her outside of classes?

Stay warm enough and she might want to talk to you... and this time... with a more positive attitude.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
You're right, BTmangan. I have a tendency to want to completely cut ties with people when things turn out poorly or I feel I'm continually getting hurt. I really hate conflict, especially when it's recurring. But perhaps an all-or-nothing approach is not best here. Do you guys tend to run from bad situations, even to the point of actively avoiding certain people?
 

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Pick her brain and find out what is bothering her inside. When you notice her getting frustrated back off of the subject or situation at hand a little to keep the situation from getting out of hand and to observe. Try to give her some kind of gratification when she gets argumentative usually that is what people are seeking when this happens. This can help make her feel better and less argumentative while in the mean time you have been collecting information about her. If she lightens up you can subtly try to let her know you care for her. Another words go all INFJ on her, don't fight her fight make her fight your's...
 

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What I like to do is, sincerely apologize... and then just avoid.

After being so accommodating and going as far as to apologize, I really don't feel like she's a mature enough person to handle this relationship with you. It sounds like she's still in highschool.

I had these girl friends in middle school who were extremely... controlling. They were immature, and it's the typical 'pecking order' scenario in most middle school cliques. I wasn't really allowed to express my own opinion without being ostracized for it, I was kind of forced into group-think... if I didn't agree, she would be upset at me and ignore me until I apologized for having a different opinion. It was so lame and by the time middle school ended I was over it. Her behavior reminds me a bit of that.

Honestly, you're too old and have too much going on to deal with this. I say give it one last shot, really try to communicate and understand each other. If she seems unchanging, I would just sever the 'closeness'.

I had a friend who was like that too. She was nice to me on her good days, but when she became agitated... things between us got rough. It was like this for 3 years before I decided to move on. In short, I don't miss it.
 
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I guess I'm just looking for a bit of sympathy.

I met a friend for lunch. I don't know her type, but this specific friend tends to get angry fairly easily. She's very intelligent, and when she's in a good mood I really enjoy her company. However, when she's in one of her bad moods, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells; it's inevitable that I will somehow offend her. Today, everything I said, she challenged. Because she was so argumentative, I found that I was not fully explaining what I was saying, and often I would just stop speaking altogether. At one point I was speaking, but I could tell I had upset her, so I didn't finish explaining myself. She left abruptly. I asked if we were ok and she said yes, but I could tell we weren't. Later she left me an angry voice mail. I e-mailed her an apology because I was too upset to speak to her.

I hate fighting with people, and I hate that I hurt her feelings, but I also feel hurt myself. Why did she treat me the way she did? How could I not offend her when she came in such an antagonistic mood?

Does anyone else have a friend (or any kind of relationship with someone) like this? If so, how do you deal?
This is sad. I was commenting a lot on a friend's stuff on FB. She didn't "unfriend" (what a ridiculous word!) me, but she cutoff my ability to comment on stuff... or even to "like" the stuff she wrote.

I was SO sad. Well, the first thing I did was ask myself "Well, would you have done the same thing if you had someone who was posting all over your stuff?" And, of course, I came up with "No because I would have asked them to stop before I did something like that." Then I sent her an apology.

I have not received a reply or anything and I have to confess I'm very very hurt, but I've determined that this person is for sure a T, for sure an E, and for sure a J... That leaves me with one letter that I don't know. If she's an ESTJ I'm screwed... They hate me. If she's an ENTJ I'm prolly not much better off. Sucks.

What can you do, but try to leave the door open for awhile and let her come to you in her own time. I know how much we hate doing that because our relationships are our priority, but we have to let others be in the driver's seats in our relationships, too, and that's not easy for us either.

Sorry you're going through this.
 
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This is sad. I was commenting a lot on a friend's stuff on FB. She didn't "unfriend" (what a ridiculous word!) me, but she cutoff my ability to comment on stuff... or even to "like" the stuff she wrote.

I was SO sad. Well, the first thing I did was ask myself "Well, would you have done the same thing if you had someone who was posting all over your stuff?" And, of course, I came up with "No because I would have asked them to stop before I did something like that." Then I sent her an apology.

I have not received a reply or anything and I have to confess I'm very very hurt, but I've determined that this person is for sure a T, for sure an E, and for sure a J... That leaves me with one letter that I don't know. If she's an ESTJ I'm screwed... They hate me. If she's an ENTJ I'm prolly not much better off. Sucks.

What can you do, but try to leave the door open for awhile and let her come to you in her own time. I know how much we hate doing that because our relationships are our priority, but we have to let others be in the driver's seats in our relationships, too, and that's not easy for us either.

Sorry you're going through this.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, too. There are so many ways to unintentionally get into trouble on Facebook! Anyway, I hope your relationship works out.
 
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