Classical 7-ish distraction finding episode...?
How bad's the pain?
Thank you! I needed to feel rather normal about this. The pain is mostly unbearable, and I have to wait for the doctors to find the problem. When they tell me I'll be pragmatic about it. A friend told me that normal people would lay down in a dark cool room, not go visiting and excuse them self for not being able to show how enthusiastic they actually feet for her happiness. But I don't get why people would want to go torturing themselves. Lying undistracted in pain is not my idea of a good time. Visiting her on the other hand. That was nice
A lot of people have the idea that I'm super clever at dealing with pain. And I've felt this is so not true, but haven't been able to put my finger on why. Npw I get it. I find some way to not deal with it. Problem solved. Allthough... I've sort of learned that my body don't agree, my frequent memoryloss and problem speaking is probably not a sign of possible brain damage, it's just that it's on overload. I've been there before. This is frustrating, but I'm going to be ok.
I get afraid this will ruin my New Beginning. Life has so much to offer me right now, and I want to go out and just live it. This also mean I've been wrapping up stuff. Out with the old, so there's more room for new.
I see that I've been terrible confused. I've battled the wrong things and I hate the thought that I've wasted so much time going about problems the wrong way. It's such a downer that it makes me sort of want to keep on going about things the wrong way so it maybe eventually can have some purpose. But I wont - not really. But I do want to share some thoughts right now and maybe someone reads it and it helps them avoid wasting time.
Finding about 7w8 was sort of like the missing piece that made it all come together and finally make some sense. I don't think I really needed to dwell on all the bad stuff when I found my self all grown up and nowhere to go. I said that I didn't think the horrible shit that happened growing up was the reason why I was feeling horrible and that something else whas terrible wrong with me, I just didn't know what. This was so true. I was exhausted and in physical torment. I just didn't knew it because it had become a part of my life that was unbearable, so I completely ignored it. "The show must go on". I needed surgery, and finally got it too. A sadistic surgeant too. He found my way of dealing with pain interesting so he probably found some great amusement in testing my limits and reactions. This happening to me has terrified me until I understood that there really are crazy f*d up people and that they have to camouflage their actions because it's not acceptable. And they have to make you cooperate so they don't get caught. Understanding this was what I needed from therapy. I needed to hear: you're not wrong, there are monsters out there and you should use your experience to notice them and learn to stay clear of them, because they're not willing to change their ways. Instead I got confusion. I think there's some sort of victim blaming going on in psychology. Like they try to change something that makes completely sense, like me fearing other people, especially not being strong around them - into that must be painful, lets focus on getting you so depressed you can't function. It's like they try to get you to feel optimistic about things like bullying, instead of moving on. I really needed to learn that even though I'm coping with the world in a way who makes me not wanting to add to the misery, other people copes differently. Some people doesn't stand me. They get jealous of my happiness and bringing me down makes them actually feel better about themselves and their place in the world. While my experience of putting other people down isn't something that makes me feel good about anything. I wasn't aware of my supersubjective view. Knowing some people are down to the core different from me, helps me find the resources to deal with this. And here I find my feelings very useful. I do see some good in all people, and this lures me into thinking "well, since there's goodness in them, it must be my problem" and I stay in f*d relationships with people trying to figure out how to behave instead of accept that they keep making me feel bad, that I don't like it - and move on and spend my time with people who's nice to me. This is not avoiding reality, it's actually a natural acceptance of reality and deal with it in a responsible non-manipulating way. I hate the fact that I was so much on the right track to a happy life and that I let other people confuse me to think that all this positive thinking I had going on was just an act, a way to not deal, that I needed to get out of the sky and stop being shallow. I've never been shallow all my life, but a lot of people mistake my optimism. They really think I don't know that the world can be a f*ing cruel place. That I'm all about picking strawberries and enjoying them. Well that's what you're supposed to do when you're hanging from a cliff. Is that really so hard to understand?!
Ehm... well... blablabla. I actually have to go do stuff. I know this totally screws with the web concept of keep it short and simple. I just wanted to say that seeing that there are other people living by the same principles as I do deep down, really released some freedom of being me that I've been longing for. Thank you! My anger (between the lines) are mostly that it irritates me that I've wasted so much time trying to change me into something else. We're lucky, being able to be happy on our own terms. It's something worth holding on to.
Also... I saw that some people struggles. Sometimes it helps to know that other people have been told that "you just gotta learn to live with your anxiety" and gotten through so they don't have to (it did feel like telling me to go kill myself back then, seeing I'm a core 7 I get that the sympathy that may be in that sentence somewhere is completely lost on me). Things changes all the time. People seldom do though. If you're a seven trying to be a four in hope it might lead to a better way of living, which is sort of what I've done, I can be the voice that may suggest this may not be the best idea. And also: I had a terrible reaction to the antidepressiv stuff. I felt suicidal. Understand me here. This is not me telling the right way to do things, it's an argument sort of. Sometimes it's wise to stop for a minute and ask: "is this making me better or worse?", though other times it's not so wise
I have no real clue about life, but I'm going out there to shine anyway
Exactly. *daydreams* wouldn't it be nice if it were tangible.
Yes
I'd dress my fears up as monsters and beat the crap out of them
oh... I'm so behind my f*ing schedule.. gotta gooooo
