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ISTP 9w8
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On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoyed/angry/infuriated/pissed off are you when people are late to appointments or meetings with you? I'm talking 10 or more minutes late, without advanced warning. Discuss. Also, how do you respond to it, if at all? Feel free to vent.

And yes, I am guilty of these things I mention. I'm trying to change it but as messed up as it sounds, I haven't cared enough make a serious effort. It would help if I understood better how it makes other people feel.

The reasons I'm posting this here:
- this subforum is pretty active
- you guys write nice, detailed posts
- SJs scare me
- I have a few INFJ friends who I'm kind of a dick to without intending it and they're too nice IRL to say anything

Thanks in advance!
 

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Do the advanced warning. It is a sign of politness. "I'll be a late because XXX"

I usually hate it when people are late because I am very punctual. If you warn me, however, I will be much less inclined to dislike you for it. As long as it doesn't happen every time.
 

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i feel the same way. if you tell me its going to happen, i can prepare. if not i feel disrespected.
recently a friend told me that minor things like (lack of) punctuality shouldn't matter in a friendship like ours and i should just get over it and expect him to be late every time. i don't agree. being late from time to time is no big deal, but one should always try and communicate what's going on
 

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I generally don't mind if someone is late unless I am the first person at a meeting and I have to wait alone; otherwise I can wait for a long time while having a conversion with who already get there.
 

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I'm normally a stoic, placid person; but when someone is late, I'm internally volcanically angry at the 10++ level because the personally obviously knew he/she was going to be late, it would have been easy enough to give me a heads up, I feel disrespected, and . . . um . . . what else? Oh, yeah: it's nice to keep in practice being angry, otherwise you lose your edge. Outwardly, the person will just get a pretty chilly reception from me when he/she deigns to show up, with nothing said by me, because [haughty snuffle] that's what being professional is all about. But later, when choices have to be made for various thisses or thats, Mr. Lateperson is not going to come out a winner. One can't overlook everything. Do try to be on time, or to warn the person (warning me removes the "disrespect" factor, and also gives me a chance to say "Ah. I see" in a way which pretty well conveys "Don't do this again," so I'm satisfied that justice has been served).

It also can matter where you are, for cultural reasons. Corporate Swedes, for some reason, and maybe it's all Swedes (I'm half Swedish), believe in promptitude. Don't be late for a Swede. Just don't. Life will become unpleasant. You will cry during fika.
 

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Being that we can't always control certain factors, I usually don't mind if people are late. Sometimes I may be uptight if it is holding up my entire schedule but I won't read people the riot act. I will keep in mind that they have a life beyond the appointment or whatever it is they are late to. It really bothers me when people nag me for being late so I don't want to bring that on others. I've had this problem especially with SJs. I guess that I can understand why people get angry when I think of it from their perspective but I don't get terribly angry about that kind of thing. I remember I was late to my first job for reasons I couldn't control and my supervisor wouldn't let me hear the end of it. I got it the first time. I'm late and I should be ashamed of myself. Okay? :frustrating: I try my best to be on time myself and get angry at myself when I am not but I understand if other people are late.
 

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I don't really care - I don't plan for things to be a 'tight squeeze', never have - so I've never been in a position where someone running late would affect the rest of my day in any real way.

I'm ridiculously good at just 'knowing' how long things will take.
This is kind of how I live my life.
It doesn't feel very "J" like.
 

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Being that we can't always control certain factors, I usually don't mind if people are late. Sometimes I may be uptight if it is holding up my entire schedule but I won't read people the riot act. I will keep in mind that they have a life beyond the appointment or whatever it is they are late to. It really bothers me when people nag me for being late so I don't want to bring that on others. I've had this problem especially with SJs. I guess that I can understand why people get angry when I think of it from their perspective but I don't get terribly angry about that kind of thing. I remember I was late to my first job for reasons I couldn't control and my supervisor wouldn't let me hear the end of it. I got it the first time. I'm late and I should be ashamed of myself. Okay? :frustrating: I try my best to be on time myself and get angry at myself when I am not but I understand if other people are late.
This is basically it for me too! Except I usually don't feel overly guilty unless someone puts the guilt on me. If I'm late to an appointment or outing then I'll feel guilty if I'm like 15+ mins late but late arriving to a friend's house I would be very unlikely to feel guilt regardless. But, I'd apologize several times still I'm sure.

I notice myself getting marginally frustrated when people are late, like doctors to appointments. But, it's not a big deal and I don't make it personal. As soon as they apologize then it's cool and if they are only few minutes late then they wouldn't have to even mention it. My therapist was about 30-35 minutes late the other day and the whole time I was more so checking the work I had done since last seeing her and writing down what I planned on talking about during the session. I saw her rushing and I felt bad that she was going through all that stress for me. I could have waited longer within much complaint (maybe a negative thought but I wouldn't be vocal about it).
 

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I actually have a tendency to be late myself to many things, particularly in the morning (I hate mornings), so you would think I'd be more understanding. But the thing is, I'm not late when someone is specifically waiting for me or relying on me; in those cases I'm rarely/almost never late, and when I am late it is usually because of circumstances beyond my control. .

The reason I consider being late bad manners, is because it shows that the late person values their own time more than yours, i.e. usually they have been faffing around with whatever caused them to be late, because they don't want to risk wasting their own time waiting around for you (yet they are happy for you to waste your time hanging around waiting for them).

In my early twenties (I'm 40 now), I decided to work out a way to overcome my extreme irritation at people's lateness, because I realised this (and my attempts to conceal my extreme irritation) tended to ruin any time I would spend with the respective late people when they finally deigned to show up.

My trick would be to imagine that the person I was waiting for had died in some horrible accident. This conjured up such feelings of compassion and concern for them, that my feelings of irritation would dissipate, and when they finally showed up I'd be so relieved and genuinely glad that I could disregard their lateness and proceed to enjoy the time we had together instead.

Of course, I've never said to anyone "I'm only glad to see you because I imagined you were dead". But, that's sort of the case...

I actually came up with a little phrase to say to myself at the time when I was waiting for late people; "Value the person you're waiting for more than the person who's waiting'. I know. Cheesy. This is why I don't tend to share my thoughts out loud.

These days, I don't tend to get too wound up anymore when people are late, and tend to preoccupy myself with my own thoughts, or read something instead. Also, it's not so bad anymore when people are late because everyone has mobile phones so you can always call them. I'm sure it was worse in my early twenties because not everyone had mobile phones then (I know, I know, this also makes me feel ancient, but it's true. I got my first mobile phone when I was 23/24(?)). I remember on a few occasions waiting almost up to an hour for late people, I would never do that now. So, you young people have it easier, basically XD
 

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Being late when it is in your control to not be late is disrespectful of me and my time. Back in the day there was no way to let the waiting person know you are going to be late but today there is no excuse except disrespect which basically says my time and hence my life is of no value to you therefore I am of no value to you.
You may have guessed that I hate wasting my time waiting for someone who is late although I will not say anything the chances of my being willing to meet with the person again, unless absolutely necessary, is reduced rather drastically. Why should I bother throwing away my time on someone who shows so little value in that time
 

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I'm never really annoyed by it all that much. I'm late sometimes, though I usually make a point to be on time. But still, things happen, people are different. If I get annoyed by people that are late I'm not going to be doing anything other than hurting myself and hurting whatever the task at hand is.

The only time I do get annoyed by it, I'm still not annoyed by the fact of them being late, but their excuses/reasoning. It gets annoying to me when someone is late every day, for over six months, but gives the same excuse of "traffic" or "held up by a train" or whatever every single time. To me, that's really weird, because it means that all they have to do is account for the extra time that holds them up every single day, or at least be honest why they're late instead of making things up or sticking with the same excuse every time. :dry: But even with this, the fact that they're late doesn't bother me, just the way they make up odd excuses that are obviously not true.
 

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I'm never late. Well... unless something outside of my control influences me to be so, but then I always call. (I even called to say I'd be late whilst trapped in my car after a very bad car accident in 2002)

That being said... I'm one of very, very few people I know who are not habitually late. Most of my friends, my bil, my niece and all of 1st shift at my facility (and most supervisors) are late everywhere they go, every single time. So... knowing this, I don't care that people are late because I don't ever expect them to be on time in the first place.

The ones that amuse me are the ones who are always late and have an excuse for every time... like they're actually trying to get to where ever on time and their tardiness isn't intentional. By the law of averages, if you're putting forth effort, once in a while you'd get there on time.

OP, at least you're honest about it.
 

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Depends on how late for me. If under 30 minutes then it's fine. I don't really care. But if it's an hour or more late I get pretty peeved. I'm usually on time to things actually. I leave very early knowing that i'll get distracted, side tracked, or lost half the time so i'm usually early to things and wander around if I'm bored.
 

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"Listen, we agreed on 15:30 in front of the shopping center. It's currently 15:45 and I've been waiting out here in the scorching sun for roughly 15 minutes, while you spent those same minutes comfortably sipping your tea and lazing around your home. I don't know if you were counting on time itself warping to your convenience allowing you to perform a 9-minute commute under 30 seconds, but it obviously didn't happen.

You're dead to me, buddy, and next time I see you I'm going to eat your spleen."


"Oh, don't worry, you weren't actually late at all. Let's get going."

Oh, if only I had so little common sense that I'd actually speak what I think...
 

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Always a pleasure to scare forum users.

I am often late and as a result, am patient regarding lateness in others. However, my cut off time is 20 minutes. After that I will ask to reschedule.
 

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I used to get furious now I just leave, my mom taught me that when I was like a minute late. She obviously has even less patience for lateness than I do, as I used to get grounded for a week or two as a teen whenever I was a minute late home!

These days I sort of have in my mind what is acceptable and what is not..if a friend said they would meet me at my place and we’d go out somewhere together, I have to remember beforehand that if I’m super antsy to get out of the house, to do that beforehand, as waiting there will drive me crazy, and them too probably.

So then it’s timing. I have started prefacing my get togethers with a “Hey, can you give me a call if you’ll be more than 10-15 minutes late?” It really helps as everyone seems to have cellphones and it’s just nice to know what’s happening. No call and more than 20-30 minutes late and I’m outta there. Might try to call THEM to see what’s up. No contact, I leave.
 

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In the past, I used to be very strict about being on time. If we had an appointment at 10.00 A.M., it's 10.00 A.M. You may arrive before the actual time or on time, but I'll be a bit upset (but I won't tell you or show some sign that you upset me) if you're too late (1-15 minute late is the most that I can spare you).

Now, people around me are naturally late and don't seem to care about it, so I just let them slip away because If I get angry every time they're late, I'd be admitted in a psychiatric hospital right now
 

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I read once that someone is not truly late until they are 20 minutes late. I think some folks just function on Hawaiian time.

I used to be chronically late. I had a good hard think about it, and realized it was because I HATED being early and sitting there bored. So I asked myself which was REALLY worse, being bored or being late? And I decided being late was worse. From then on, I told myself that I was planning on being early and bored. After that, I was never late again.

Do you know what late it? Late is my brother showing up six hours late to the family Christmas gathering, as the first family members are leaving.

He got paid back when on Christmas day, one of his friends showed up late for his own Christmas get together, and dinner was over, and he had nothing to feed his friend but cold leftovers.
 
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