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Discussion Starter #1
Hello
I recently have had my boyfriend test for his type, I thought it might be interesting due to the fact that he has scored ISTJ, but also has scored INTJ and ISFJ...so...yeah not sure why.

However Ive read more about ISTJs and come to realize that it does fit him fairly well. Way more accurate than the INTJ profile. So I guess I was just wondering what I could do to better understand him?

If there is anyone whos had a relationship with an ENFP/ENTP (I score both) what were your concerns, problems or...on the opposite end, why was it good and what was beneficial?

Our home life is really nice. We get along really well and he enjoys my humor a lot. The only problems we have is our view on how to deal with problems.
He has a very unique but strangely different outlook than I do. That is the basis of all of our issues. Id really like to better understand where hes coming from so any advice would be really great.

If you have experience with any ENF/T type that would suffice.
 

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I would never date an ISTJ. I've heard from other ENFPs that are in relationships with them that they are cold, controlling, and unwilling to compromise.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Hmm...


I dont know why he's getting ISTJ if hes suppose to be that way. Its totally opposite, hes really relaxed and extremely sweet and caring. If anything I get angry at him for being so lovey dovey with me all the time.

I dont know. Hes gotten it more than once along with INTJ and INFJ, but only the latter was once and he was really not interested in taking the test at all because he thought it was silly and he had just gotten home from work.

But..thanks for the comments though.

Weve been together for three years so I would definitely note that we disagree on everything if that were the case.
 

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nobody ever likes us ISTJs ::sad face::




I have never been in a relationship with an ENFP- I am friends with one though- at first I was a little overwhelmed by him because he was just so friendly and open and, as an introvert, I don't normally let people in so quick and he seemed to pry his way in- but I was glad he did because he is a great guy. I personally prefer Thinkers for relationship partners because I find the communication easier, but if the right ENFP came along I don't see why it couldn't work out. I welcome the liveliness because I don't get much of it when I am by myself.


I know there is at least one ISTJ on this forum who is married to an ENFP and, from what I know, it looks like he is happy with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
nobody ever likes us ISTJs ::sad face::




I have never been in a relationship with an ENFP- I am friends with one though- at first I was a little overwhelmed by him because he was just so friendly and open and, as an introvert, I don't normally let people in so quick and he seemed to pry his way in- but I was glad he did because he is a great guy. I personally prefer Thinkers for relationship partners because I find the communication easier, but if the right ENFP came along I don't see why it couldn't work out. I welcome the liveliness because I don't get much of it when I am by myself.


I know there is at least one ISTJ on this forum who is married to an ENFP and, from what I know, it looks like he is happy with her.
Aw, well if my boy is an ISTJ I like him very very much. Hes freaking awesome.
The only thing I notice about him is like I said before.. our problem solving techniques are REALLY different.

He goes into FREAK OUT mode and honestly, doesnt think very logically. Hes all about revenge and all this crap I could care less about but...I try and calm him down. He takes this personally a lot, which is weird for a T because I thought he'd be more ok with it. Hes not.
 

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yeah ISTJs (or at least me) have irrational fears when stressed out

and he might take it personally because he feels like he is being misunderstood or misrepresented and that his intentions are in question... at least that's why I would ever take something personally


I found this article recently that an ISTJ wrote on his stress process if you are interested:

- What's the BUZZ? - In the Grip- Stress and theMBTI



hope this helps, and good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
yeah ISTJs (or at least me) have irrational fears when stressed out

and he might take it personally because he feels like he is being misunderstood or misrepresented and that his intentions are in question... at least that's why I would ever take something personally


I found this article recently that an ISTJ wrote on his stress process if you are interested:

- What's the BUZZ? - In the Grip- Stress and theMBTI



hope this helps, and good luck!
Wow thats great thanks so much.
I wonder if this over exaggerative stress is from over use of Si? Se?
 

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I have liked many ISTJs and have had SEVERAL close ISTJ best friends. I am exhausted and can't think now, but I will write some soon!

I want to represent some good with them :laughing: hun!
 

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You will disagree about everything. He'll be really close-minded and obnoxiously critical and risk-averse.
I would never date an ISTJ. I've heard from other ENFPs that are in relationships with them that they are cold, controlling, and unwilling to compromise.
Sorry, but I have to disagree with both of these assessments. I am an ISTJ married to an ENFP for 25 years. Our experience is very different from the descriptions above as the statements are very broad and general in scope.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Sorry, but I have to disagree with both of these assessments. I am an ISTJ married to an ENFP for 25 years. Our experience is very different from the descriptions above as the statements are very broad and general in scope.
Yes weve been happy and living together for 3 years so far.
We get along really well for most of the time.
We have issues only when it comes to his stress...he tends to go off on tangents, wants revenge, is always talking about physically wanting to do something or taking a stride that I think goes beyond the means of the situation.

I find that behavior to be really immature, our arguments frequently result in two quotes:
Me:"Ohhh I see its the 15th, its your 6th birthday today! Happy birthday! Wow what a stupid idea that was you had about dealing with_____insert stupid idea here and stupid name__"
Him *gradually getting angrier* " Well what ELSE could I have done? NO OTHER idea would work. That was the ONLY way" (even though I had sat for about 40 mins with him telling him various ideas that would solve the issue).

*sigh* Sometimes I think he just wants to be angry so I let him be.

See thats the problem right there. Is that he only sees ONE way of dealing with a problem whereas I see 400 different ways to deal with it. And because he doesnt want to directly confront people, its always some side ways weird plan he has to deal with the problem. I see my way as being "logical" and he sees it as not being logical.

As far as any emotional issues go....everything is very good in that area. Hes extremely sensitive to my moods that I get, hes never been cold to me or told me to stop or that he needs space. Hes always been very awesome in that area respectively.

Like i said, only issue: PROBLEM SOLVING!
 

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That behavior is influenced by more than temperament. It sounds like he lacks self confidence when it comes to confrontations. Most ISTJs I know do not back down from a confrontation if they feel that they are in the right. If they are backed into a corner, they will go and ascertain the facts of the matter and depending on the situation, will come to you and tell you that you were correct and they were wrong, or if the facts bear out the ISTJs POV, they will come back at you full bore.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is to walk away from a conflict, leaving someone else thinking that they were correct, when I had in my possession irrefutable documentation proving them wrong. I did it to leave them their dignity, but it was very, very hard.

So, plotting, vengeful actions do not sound like a healthy anything--ISTJ or otherwise. It sounds more like a person who does not feel that they are in control of areas of their life that are important to them.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
That behavior is influenced by more than temperament. It sounds like he lacks self confidence when it comes to confrontations. Most ISTJs I know do not back down from a confrontation if they feel that they are in the right. If they are backed into a corner, they will go and ascertain the facts of the matter and depending on the situation, will come to you and tell you that you were correct and they were wrong, or if the facts bear out the ISTJs POV, they will come back at you full bore.

One of the hardest things I've ever done is to walk away from a conflict, leaving someone else thinking that they were correct, when I had in my possession irrefutable documentation proving them wrong. I did it to leave them their dignity, but it was very, very hard.

So, plotting, vengeful actions do not sound like a healthy anything--ISTJ or otherwise. It sounds more like a person who does not feel that they are in control of areas of their life that are important to them.
I like your posts a lot niss, thanks very much for this.

When we argue he usually bends and says he was wrong and I was right. There is rarely an occasion when i am the one saying sorry, not to say I wouldnt if I was. Just majority of our arguments that stem from this really weird problem solving this he has end up as him finally calming down and saying Ok yes you were right, I agree that wasnt the way to deal with it.

I often wonder if hes ISFJ, as hes gotten that once, but majority of times hes tested its always been ISTJ, and then once or twice INTJ.

Non of his characteristics really meet the profile of any of those but ISTJ for the most part seem right.

Maybe your right, maybe its beyond a type category and more of an unhealthy problem of dealing with things.
He grew up in a really rough neighborhood on the east coast with three other boys, all of whom dealt with each other very badly. He is very guarded, very judgmental. Refuses to be open to new things. Im not out to change him, because I do love him a lot for what he is. I feel very "safe" from the world when hes around.
I wonder if his upbringing is the cause of this issue.
 

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I like your posts a lot niss, thanks very much for this.

When we argue he usually bends and says he was wrong and I was right. There is rarely an occasion when i am the one saying sorry, not to say I wouldnt if I was. Just majority of our arguments that stem from this really weird problem solving this he has end up as him finally calming down and saying Ok yes you were right, I agree that wasnt the way to deal with it.

I often wonder if hes ISFJ, as hes gotten that once, but majority of times hes tested its always been ISTJ, and then once or twice INTJ.

Non of his characteristics really meet the profile of any of those but ISTJ for the most part seem right.

Maybe your right, maybe its beyond a type category and more of an unhealthy problem of dealing with things.
He grew up in a really rough neighborhood on the east coast with three other boys, all of whom dealt with each other very badly. He is very guarded, very judgmental. Refuses to be open to new things. Im not out to change him, because I do love him a lot for what he is. I feel very "safe" from the world when hes around.
I wonder if his upbringing is the cause of this issue.
I would think what you have described of his upbringing would influence tendencies to seek revenge as a method of problem solving. I personally believe that the influences experienced in your family of origin can cause you to act outside of your normal type. If this is the case with your boyfriend, then he may vacillate between types until he comes to grips with problems in his upbringing.

HTH
 

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Discussion Starter #17
i'll help if i can in some way. i was with an istj for forever.
what about problem solving is difficult for you?
Its just the arguements we get into tend to be so heated. They arent often, thankfully, and everything else in regards to how we get along is fine.

For example, he comes home, obviously angry about something. I say Whats the matter, he goes off on a huge thing about someone saying something behind his back at work. He keeps getting angrier and angrier and keeps saying hes going to do something about it tomorrow...and all the while Im sitting there thinking,.."for fucks sake what is the importance of this it just sounds so incredibly petty" so Im progressively getting angrier because he cant SEE how stupid it is to get all worked up.


So Im getting angry because Im thinking, "jesus christ your completely incompetant. Who cares? people talk shit all the time no big deal"
and hes mad because I dont have anything valuable or insightful to say, I just sit there and try and say something nice like, "Im sorry, that sucks" and give him a hug. But then eventually as hes gone for another 40 mins about it I eventually blow up and say what i really feel and that I think hes insane for even being upset about it.

This then turns into me not being able to just let him "vent". Well...id let you bloody vent but youve been "venting" for about an hour now and quite frankly Im bored with it. I give him a lot of patience when hes like this, so dont think Im being insensitive, Im not. Seriously its god awful listening to someone go on like that for an hour, its an hour of PURE HELL i will never get back.

So thats a typical situation when we argue. Again, last time this happened was several weeks ago. Its flowers and butterflies and kittens in between..
 

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sure...i understand that. i always thought the things that upset him were petty. he was just so tightly wound...i would constantly say you're making me miserable here!! i don't want to listen to you bitching about how stupid everyone on the road is every time we're in the car! can we just talk or turn the music up and have some fun!

so...lots of things like that...the stupid person at the store...or at work...or whatever!!

so my best advice is to just talk about each others world views...pet peeves and all that. find out how you would like each other to respond in certain instances because i don't think your natural response styles are very complimentary...so you love each other...figure out how to bend...say...i'm not going to see eye to eye with you on everything because my priorities are different but let's see how we can compromise.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
sure...i understand that. i always thought the things that upset him were petty. he was just so tightly wound...i would constantly say you're making me miserable here!! i don't want to listen to you bitching about how stupid everyone on the road is every time we're in the car! can we just talk or turn the music up and have some fun!

so...lots of things like that...the stupid person at the store...or at work...or whatever!!

so my best advice is to just talk about each others world views...pet peeves and all that. find out how you would like each other to respond in certain instances because i don't think your natural response styles are very complimentary...so you love each other...figure out how to bend...say...i'm not going to see eye to eye with you on everything because my priorities are different but let's see how we can compromise.
This is lovely advice, and I also agree on the above comment with niss63 about his bringing up.
There are definitely times where we connect immensely. I tend to be slightly judgmental on peoples life choices. I dont say anything to them because that goes against my whole "let people be" zen crap but to him I freely talk about it and we always bond on how we think choices should be made regarding life. We both live on principles of fairness, we both feel dutiful I suppose to what we think is important and we agree on that which is really great.

Its the problems as I said we cant agree on. How to deal with people and how people treat us. How to respect others space and leave them alone. Im not a vengeful person and he is. I want to confront the problem and let is dissipate after confrontation but he wants to stew in it and be angry about it and not confront it. Thus: this whole cycle seems incompetent to me and then Im the bad guy.

You both have given me a lot to think about.
 

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right...some shared fi values and then some very conflicting ones....you're probably also very empathetic and absorb his mood but it's really uncomfortable for you to hold negative emotion for very long...right? that was my experience...it was like...okay...let's discuss the problem so we can solve it quickly and then let it go because i can't bare to be upset for too long about it.

so...tell him that if that's true for you...say...i'm good for about 20 min of this...i'll offer my advice but then i have to let it go...try to get him to be lighthearted and accepting about this...make a joke of it...say go get the timer you've got 20 min! haha mostly kidding but really...if you're 7 also...negative emotions are the enemy!! you've got to make him understand that.
 
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