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Woke up angry, knowing I didn't have the energy--and was in too much pain--to do the most basic tasks. I didn't meditate as I have for days; no tea, either. But I did read from MIndfulness in Plain English, then watched myself eat breakfast which meant I couldn't doing sitting meditation for at least two hours; read some more, ate some more--watching, naming "aversion"; "anger"; "pain" and so on.

I got the idea that there might be recommended books at the end of Mindfulness in Plain English, so I checked, and not only were there three or four more of Bhante Gunaratana's but also one written by someone named Toni Bernard on mindfulness and dealing with chronic pain and illness.

I read some, and started crying, part with recognition, part relief: This woman is writing from experience with chronic pain and illness; she is writing from experience with mindfulness meditation.

My husband is putting $23 in the budget so two weeks from now--his next pay day--I can buy the books. And he asked me to tell him which one would be best for him to read, so he can understand my situation better.

Toni Bernard started feeling intensely ill the same year I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, though it would turn out I have much more wrong, it doesn't matter: I have someone who doesn't just understand--she lives it, and all the isolation and others thinking we look fine, and the rest...

But best of all?

She's further along with her Vipassana practice.

I need that, a Big Dharma Sister. I need that very much.

Patience: Two weeks and a few days I may have the books. Until then, I'll keep being mindful to the best of my ability of whatever comes up, no matter how averse I feel toward being "that" weak, or whatever...
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