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One of those see-saw days I get:

Started out getting up right after I swallowed my medication (surprising, good); then while sitting down after making tea I noticed I felt weepy, sad, tried to come up with reasons.

When the medication kicked in the weepiness and sadness went away.

My husband came home from church and when I told him how I had felt, I started crying a little.

Also, I ranted some about being in so much pain, broke, fed up with pretending I don't care if we can't celebrate our anniversary. He misunderstood, thought I had a specific thing I wanted to do.

(He was, however, noticeably pleased and appreciative that I didn't lose control; just expressed how I felt, mellowed out instead of amping up.)

No, it was not about having some specific place I wanted to go.

It was about not having the health, being so isolated I don't have friends or any family who would throw us a party (he has church people; I have online friends--too ill to go out and make any face-to-face, one-on-one friends--and in this small town with my interests, other than the University, where would I have a chance.)

It wasn't my choice to move back here. He knows that.

I pulled it together, literally could not stand up straight from pain and lethargy--bent over like a crone in a film.

I went out for errands with my husband; we went grocery shopping at Walmart.

I had to be in one of those old people electric carts after getting my hair cut really short--first time in months as I did it last time, and figured we couldn't afford for me to get it done "professionally."

My husband will have to pay bills late to make up for it, and he is always cheery, never blames me for not being able to do... just that, do [fill in blank].

My hair looks cute; hell, I look cute, which is so weird: I'm old, disabled, overweight, what the hell.

But even in a bad mood I can see it today, and know my husband isn't being kind when he walks in the bedroom, glances my way, eyes alight and says, "You're cute!"

I made sure to get Pickles out after changing the bedding, and covering everything on the bed to protect it from mess; she's old now, can't hold her bladder any longer, so it's extra work; she's worth it.

I wasn't up to getting her out yesterday so no way could I go another day leaving her in the cage except for minutes here and there--pain or no pain; energy or little left--she gets out!

I got everything on the floor put around too for her pleasure, which gives me pleasure watching her: She's a lovely dovey girl.

Then I took photos of the Yoga/Meditation room.

Oh! I did range-of-motion and then 30 minutes of meditation this morning after drinking my tea--hard to concentrate with the neighbor saying Fuck! to a child I could hear crying, "Just breathe... be gentle..." I told myself after I had started the session with Loving Friendliness.

Well, we didn't celebrate, and I don't usually mind, but this ill and isolated, in this town, I do mind--and I need to say it, not intellectualize away my disappointment "one more time" over one more thing.

Good day, over all.

See-saws. I never enjoyed or understood the point of the actual kid apparatus but this kind of see-saw I live daily. I understand it better, but it doesn't mean I accept it most of the time:

When I get to that point; IF I get to that point, I'll be further along the road to Enlightenment than I ever thought (or think) is possible; and further along compared to now?

I'll gladly accept the growth.
ADDITION: A few photos, up to four (maximum allowed) I couldn't add to another entry.



Only thing on the Meditation/Yoga Room Walls
- I call it "Empty Pockets."




Seiza meditation position; this is how I sit; the only difference is the zafu I use.





One closet in the Meditation/Yoga room: All that is in it is the clothing shown here; nothing on the top shelf or floor inside.




My clothes; mostly warm weather: All from Goodwill or discounts from Walmart, end of the season.

I like the cheery colors regardless of the time of year--in large part because I am isolated, and this town, area of the country, is gloomy compared to San Diego which I called "Home" for so long.
 
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