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Extreme anxiety attack that began last night, triggered moderate vertigo, somatizing worry and frustration... still with me today:

Nightmare in the morning, balance still off. I had to borrow a lorazepam from some one. Well, I didn't "borrow it"; I mean, I don't have any to return, but I took it--along with my regular scheduled meds for cervical/lumbar spine pain, other problems, and I still can't easily move.

I planned to straighten up, do some vacuuming, other stuff but staying put in a chair or lying down in a bit is a better plan--safer, I mean. OK, "possible."

I'm working out some serious shit related to being back on Ohio where I was reared, neglected, abused, attacked (rape when I was nine), and otherwise lived an impoverished life in most ways.

And working it out is taking a long time, requires hard work, facing ugliness I'd rather not remember, let alone keep in front of me to work "through," but that's the only way.

So, it's a difficult day.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, having the flat to myself.

Tomorrow is also my big weight training day, and unless I am still struggling with the somatized stress, I'll get some stuff done that decreases chaos, increases hope, is satisfying and pushes me further toward a couple ongoing and longterm goals.
 
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