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I was abused when I was younger....the worst part is that at the time I kinda liked it. That bothers me so much. It wasn't forced on me, so it was partially my fault. Now I'm all jumpy when someone touches me and nervous around people. Any advice on how to deal with this? Thx:proud: |-/
 

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There is no shame in "kinda liking it" or even "completely enjoying the hell out of it" during sexual abuse. Our bodies are conditioned to like sex, it is a natural thing. Don't feel guilty about that. Even if it wasn't forced, it was still abuse.

You were young, inexperienced with life still, it is not fair to blame yourself for whatever decisions you made back then. Forgive yourself. Give yourself a chance. There are beautiful things to be experienced out there.
 

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I was abused when I was younger....the worst part is that at the time I kinda liked it. That bothers me so much. It wasn't forced on me, so it was partially my fault. Now I'm all jumpy when someone touches me and nervous around people. Any advice on how to deal with this? Thx:proud: |-/
The reality is that people with more power are tempted to take advantage of those with less power, but when you are older you can use meditation and develop your own habits to condition yourself thereafter and create boundaries to prevent abuse from happening again. Also the part of the brain that controls urges tends to get better with age for most people. It's not your fault. A lot of people who abuse have their own major psychological problems that are unresolved.

I recommend books by Beverly Engel, especially Stopping the cycle of abuse.

 

Focus on your psychological healing with understanding the cause and effect of what you wanted at that time and know that people can develop and look at things differently. The big take away is that people often transport their current thinking with an older brain back to the younger brain and judging as if the older and wiser brain was at existence back then. It wasn't.

You're not alone. Just make sure not to go into self-hatred and fall into that pit. That can create shadow problems for yourself. Heal and forgive as many unconscious impulses as you can. Good luck.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201501/healing-the-shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion
 

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I'm an INFP that has dealt with sexual abuse. My situation is different from yours, but truthfully I think the way to heal is not different at all. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, and I know what it feels like. You're not alone :hug:

For one, it is natural to blame yourself, to find the ways in which you provoked it, whether or not they're the truth. Shame and self-blame are two of the most common thought patterns revolving sexual abuse. I agree with what others have said, I think it's important to take apart the situation and try not to focus on whatever you feel were your contributions to it's cause, because it just fuels the "bad feelings", especially with shame.

I highly recommend therapy...I know that many haven't had great experiences with it, but it's important to ensure that you get the type of treatment that fits your goals with therapy, and it's important to find the right therapist (don't settle!). Personally, I went with EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) where it more or less seeks to reshape your memories of the event, especially your sensory-based memories. It's difficult, but worth it, I feel tremendously better about the whole thing, and I think it's put me in a better position to start rebuilding trust in all of my relationships.

If you can't afford therapy, then there are always books! Bessel van der Kolk has a really wonderful book on how to adjust your somatic memories, explaining how forms of exercise like yoga can help with your heart rate and such, you can find his book here, and a podcast episode where he talks about it here. He is a big proponent of EMDR. There's also a book called "The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse" by Wendy Maltz. She focuses on providing guidance in how to overcome issues with touch and intimacy in sexual-romantic relationships after abuse. I haven't read it in full yet, but the parts I've skimmed seem quite thorough and she recommends a ton of exercises that can help reawaken a more healthy outlook on one's sexuality. She does seem to talk about feelings of guilt surrounding arousal/enjoyment of sexual abuse as well, so quite fitting for what you went through.

Overall, I think the biggest thing that has helped me in my journey was talking about it...I think the habit we tend to have is pushing it all down and away from us. The more I talked about it, the more it allowed me to find new ways of making sense of it, how it connects to who I am today, and ultimately, how to surpass the experience, instead of letting it have control.
Wishing you the best of luck with this :lovekitty:
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I'm an INFP that has dealt with sexual abuse. My situation is different from yours, but truthfully I think the way to heal is not different at all. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, and I know what it feels like. You're not alone :hug:

For one, it is natural to blame yourself, to find the ways in which you provoked it, whether or not they're the truth. Shame and self-blame are two of the most common thought patterns revolving sexual abuse. I agree with what others have said, I think it's important to take apart the situation and try not to focus on whatever you feel were your contributions to it's cause, because it just fuels the "bad feelings", especially with shame.

I highly recommend therapy...I know that many haven't had great experiences with it, but it's important to ensure that you get the type of treatment that fits your goals with therapy, and it's important to find the right therapist (don't settle!). Personally, I went with EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) where it more or less seeks to reshape your memories of the event, especially your sensory-based memories. It's difficult, but worth it, I feel tremendously better about the whole thing, and I think it's put me in a better position to start rebuilding trust in all of my relationships.

If you can't afford therapy, then there are always books! Bessel van der Kolk has a really wonderful book on how to adjust your somatic memories, explaining how forms of exercise like yoga can help with your heart rate and such, you can find his book here, and a podcast episode where he talks about it here. He is a big proponent of EMDR. There's also a book called "The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse" by Wendy Maltz. She focuses on providing guidance in how to overcome issues with touch and intimacy in sexual-romantic relationships after abuse. I haven't read it in full yet, but the parts I've skimmed seem quite thorough and she recommends a ton of exercises that can help reawaken a more healthy outlook on one's sexuality. She does seem to talk about feelings of guilt surrounding arousal/enjoyment of sexual abuse as well, so quite fitting for what you went through.

Overall, I think the biggest thing that has helped me in my journey was talking about it...I think the habit we tend to have is pushing it all down and away from us. The more I talked about it, the more it allowed me to find new ways of making sense of it, how it connects to who I am today, and ultimately, how to surpass the experience, instead of letting it have control.
Wishing you the best of luck with this :lovekitty:
Thanks! All you guys are so supportive!!!
 

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Abigail Zuger: Dr. Clancy figured she knew what she would find: “Everything I knew dictated that the abuse should be a horrible experience, that the child should be traumatized at the time it was happening — overwhelmed with fear, shock, horror.” […]

But many carefully documented interviews revealed nothing of the sort. Commonly, the abuse had been confusing for the child but not traumatic in the usual sense of the word. Only when the child grew old enough to understand exactly what had happened — sometimes many years later — did the fear, shock and horror begin. And only at that point did the experience become traumatic and begin its well-known destructive process.

Dr. Clancy suggests several reasons her data aroused such passion. For one thing, a whole academic and therapeutic structure rides on the old model of sexual abuse; her findings had the potential to undermine a host of expensive treatment and prevention projects.



Meanwhile, she argues, it is her model that may really help victims. Adult survivors of childhood abuse are commonly mortified by their own behavior as children. By not fighting back or calling for help, they blame themselves for effectively colluding with their abuser. It can be intensely comforting for them to hear that their reaction, or lack thereof, was completely normal.

Dr. Clancy’s model also makes some sense of the whole sticky question of repressed memory. Most traumatic events are likely to be vividly remembered. But if instances of sexual abuse are simply among the many confusions that characterize childhood, they are perfectly forgettable: “Why should a child remember them if, at the time they happened, they were not particularly traumatic?” Only when reprocessed and fully understood do the memories leap into focus.

Even without all these practicalities, the moral of Dr. Clancy’s story is clear: science should represent truth, not wishful thinking. When good data fly in the face of beloved theory, the theory has to go.

Dr. Clancy writes with the precision and patient repetition of a good teacher on complicated terrain. Her prose could not be clearer, and her points are restated many, many times over. But at Amazon.com, an outraged customer-reviewer has already pounced. (S)

Susan A. Clany, The Trauma Myth: The Truth about the Sexual Abuse of Children—and its Aftermath (2009)
 
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