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Discussion Starter #1
Now i know we don't fit the stereo type image of a man, myself, i would say i do have what some would call 'female tendencies Such as deep thinking, caring, loving, gentle, affectionate. I do think i portray a sense of conviction with can come across as confidence, and pretty sure of myself, can be assertive, and by no means bad in the bedroom haha. I tend to have this image thou of the INFJ male struggling with getting a girls attraction and keeping it, it worries me that i'm going to be sort of cast out for more confidence alpha males. In a sense, i feel like i'm more of a long term partener, and not a one night stand fun, although i have had plenty of one night stands:rolleyes:
 

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I'll speak from experience. Not all women are the same. There are women that find this quality attractive.

I have a hard time trying to attract women (or they don't really show it); but it wasn't as difficult to find a woman who'll like me the way I am and respect my space. It's really easier for me to keep to myself rather than to stand out for many people. I slowly get to know people, gradually forge a strong bond with them individually, and just like that, I found someone.
 

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I'll speak from experience. Not all women are the same. There are women that find this quality attractive.

I have a hard time trying to attract women (or they don't really show it); but it wasn't as difficult to find a woman who'll like me the way I am and respect my space. It's really easier for me to keep to myself rather than to stand out for many people. I slowly get to know people, gradually forge a strong bond with them individually, and just like that, I found someone.
Interesting how u say u have a hard time then say u dont find it diffucult to find a women who likes u the way u are?

I find a lot of the time, i don't have to do much for a women to be attracted, its like they are pulled towards me, i always get the 'you're mysterious' 'there's something behind the eyes'
 

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Interesting how u say u have a hard time then say u dont find it diffucult to find a women who likes u the way u are?

I find a lot of the time, i don't have to do much for a women to be attracted, its like they are pulled towards me, i always get the 'you're mysterious' 'there's something behind the eyes'
Perhaps they find you attractive that way! Good for you. There are some INFJ men here that seem to attract more women too.
:proud:


I don't attract other women (many women) because I avoid people in a covert way. I don't know if people realize I'm distancing myself from them; but I think the women I've seen didn't find that attractive. From where I come from, I sometimes wonder if the women whom I meet are abundantly sensors and I don't seem attractive to them because my actions aren't always consistent, and I'm difficult to understand and get along with in their opinion - I've been told that sometimes. This country is also quite conservative; so I find out that a girl likes me after quite some time (months to years) since I've met her. I don't attract the attention of multiple women though, like other guys that seem to be athletic, handsome, rich, very confident and other qualities I don't have. I don't mind though. I attract a woman, just one at a time - I don't recall when I've attracted more than one...

There was that time I buffed up, changed the way I walk and my gait, and women suddenly liked it and wanted to be around me, but it seems quite superficial for attraction. Some women do call me handsome... it's a matter of taste I believe... but I don't know if they were attracted to me, because nothing ever happened after that, except us being better friends. It's a shame that nothing happened between us because some of these women were quite attractive to me, and I even admitted it to them. So yeah... just one woman at a time. I'm guessing being pleasing to the senses might be one way. If someone likes me for me, and starts being around me more and trying to get to know me as a person, I feel that attraction. I've attracted just one woman like that so far.
 

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the INFJ male struggling with getting a girls attraction and keeping it, it worries me that i'm going to be sort of cast out for more confidence alpha males. In a sense, i feel like i'm more of a long term partener, and not a one night stand fun
Getting someone attracted is actually not that difficult, just put on a show, and project things. We're great actors and can project what people want to perceive in us... qualities they want to latch onto and love, even if it's fake.

Then keeping them attracted, as I've come to understand, is probably impossible with the above advice. Unless, you are very dedicated to image maintenance and putting on a show for your partner out of love, to keep them attracted. This is what is called "romance" I think... It's where we do things that aren't in our core nature, but we do it out of love to keep the other person's flames alight. This is my current theory on how to keep a woman interested long-term, since the qualities that are generally wanted by women are not male INFJ qualities, for most of us at least.

That is unless you are with a very solid and mature woman, who actually wants the sort of guy most INFJ men are... I just don't think that's possible long-term though, as there are more appealing alternatives. Men that have at least elements of the alpha-male without being total jerks, and having a romantic loving side. That's probably what 80% of women I meet want.

Many have to settle for less, and I suppose that might be where we come in... if we're someones compromise and they're never presented with anything better, I suppose that's sustainable as well. Some people like to stick with what they've decided on, as well, and that can help keep things long-term.

I find a lot of the time, i don't have to do much for a women to be attracted, its like they are pulled towards me, i always get the 'you're mysterious' 'there's something behind the eyes'
And don't ever tell them what that is, this is part of what I'm talking about in projecting... we naturally do it, without even realizing it. It's who we are. Yet when you allow someone into our inner mystery, they're more likely than not to shit on it and dump you by the wayside because they wanted the mystery, not who you really are.

PS - And ignore all the advice I've given if you want your heart broken repeatedly. Personally, I wont ascribe to my above advice, I just realize that's how it works, even if it opposes the person I am. Yes, if you're willing to churn through enough relationships and can maintain that level of turnover, you might actually find a relationship gem... so there's hope, if you keep your innocent heart going at it year after year, with many attempts, without letting them ruin you, you might just find someone... or at least you'll die trying. :)

Me, I'm too much of a realist to go on believing I'll win the lotto.
 

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  1. Getting someone attracted is actually not that difficult, just put on a show, and project things.
  2. We're great actors and can project what people want to perceive in us... qualities they want to latch onto and love, even if it's fake.
  3. Then keeping them attracted, as I've come to understand, is probably impossible with the above advice. Unless, you are very dedicated to image maintenance and putting on a show for your partner out of love, to keep them attracted.
  4. That is unless you are with a very solid and mature woman, who actually wants the sort of guy most INFJ men are... I just don't think that's possible long-term though, as there are more appealing alternatives.
  5. Many have to settle for less, and I suppose that might be where we come in... if we're someones compromise and they're never presented with anything better, I suppose that's sustainable as well. Some people like to stick with what they've decided on, as well, and that can help keep things long-term.
  6. And don't ever tell them what that is, this is part of what I'm talking about in projecting... we naturally do it, without even realizing it. It's who we are. Yet when you allow someone into our inner mystery, they're more likely than not to shit on it and dump you by the wayside because they wanted the mystery, not who you really are.
Thank you! I admit you've worded it well. I think the way I view attraction is erroneous; and much too idealistic, so I don't count people who are attracted to the image, the fake person I act out, are attracted to me at all.

After I reveal myself slowly to them; I get sudden withdrawal responses; as if the only person they were initially attracted to was the person they saw; not who I really am.
 

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After I reveal myself slowly to them; I get sudden withdrawal responses; as if the only person they were initially attracted to was the person they saw; not who I really am.
How about revealing yourself slowly from the beginning when there's a mutual attraction before falling in love with them?

Sometimes I know INFJ has the tendency to build the wall so high up there that they ended up portraying a completely different persona such as cold, independent, unemotional and logical (of course I realised this is merely based on the stereotypical description among INFJ types) that might backfire their love of interests.

Just don't hold on to keeping people distant for too long if you can see them as a potential love interests as people do prefer to fall in love with what they see in stead of things that's under the mysterious zone (perhaps the only exceptions are among most xNTP and XNFP types as they are less quick to judging from the start with their Dom/Aux Ne).

I noticed from myself that most people who first started to fall for me is really based on the image I created behind the protective walls. And little did they know that when it comes to emotional issues, I'm actually the opposite of what they see in public sphere (tough-and-cold exterior in professional life vs. emotional fragility and dependence in personal life in particular).

All in all, the trick is to reveal your true self in smaller portions and baby steps once you felt the connection is there, and then fall for the person slowly but surely based on his/her reaction to your truer self. Just don't fall hard right from the start nor revealing your whole book-of-my-dear-life during the early intimacy phase from any potential and romantic relationships. Then I think INFJ men can score far greater than they might realise because this world does need more sensitive, sentimental, caring, and deep men as male INFJ.
 

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After I reveal myself slowly to them; I get sudden withdrawal responses; as if the only person they were initially attracted to was the person they saw; not who I really am.
Yep. You see this is how the INFJ mind works, and it's basically wrong behavior when analyzed under the scrutiny of society.

Society wants us to be open about ourselves and 100% forthcoming. If we assume that we could behave this way; then the people who ended up being attracted to us, would actually like us for who we are. Yet it's not in our nature to be this way, partly because of introversion and partly due to how Ni functions.

ENFJ's are more open, but the result of this is drama-life... when I observe my sister, it's like watching a walking soap opera. What she believes has to be out in the open... and if it conflicts, it conflicts in her interactions and external environment. I think many INFJ's realize this, and make a choice not to try and push their visions in to the external world... some do like Hitler and Ghandi, but to go down that path is to adopt a Crusade as the sole purpose of your life. It's more demanding than adopting an argument for how your immediate social group is going to function, as that is the crusade my sister constantly fights.

So what society expects from us, is not something we can generally deliver, unless we are exceptionally special. We have too much going on in us to bring it to fruition in the external world... and be 100% genuine in outward action. This means we withhold actions and beliefs in order to have a more peaceful life... we decide where are boundaries are at, and if people violate our beliefs outside the boundaries, we don't care. If they cross them, they've pissed off an INFJ, and they'd better look out. So this is the mystery... the fact that we've created this boundary, beyond which lies all sorts of reasoning and belief... but such things aren't presented outwardly.

I don't know what the solution is, other than luck... someone who we reveal things to, and they just happen to find that fascinating, as opposed to repulsive. It's why I compared it to winning the lotto.

Then I think INFJ men can score far greater than they might realise because this world does need more sensitive, sentimental, caring, and deep men as male INFJ.
The world may need us, but it does not want us. What people lust after with their hearts, and what they actually could use are two different things. But thank you for the vote of confidence. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Getting someone attracted is actually not that difficult, just put on a show, and project things. We're great actors and can project what people want to perceive in us... qualities they want to latch onto and love, even if it's fake.

Then keeping them attracted, as I've come to understand, is probably impossible with the above advice. Unless, you are very dedicated to image maintenance and putting on a show for your partner out of love, to keep them attracted. This is what is called "romance" I think... It's where we do things that aren't in our core nature, but we do it out of love to keep the other person's flames alight. This is my current theory on how to keep a woman interested long-term, since the qualities that are generally wanted by women are not male INFJ qualities, for most of us at least.

That is unless you are with a very solid and mature woman, who actually wants the sort of guy most INFJ men are... I just don't think that's possible long-term though, as there are more appealing alternatives. Men that have at least elements of the alpha-male without being total jerks, and having a romantic loving side. That's probably what 80% of women I meet want.

Many have to settle for less, and I suppose that might be where we come in... if we're someones compromise and they're never presented with anything better, I suppose that's sustainable as well. Some people like to stick with what they've decided on, as well, and that can help keep things long-term.



And don't ever tell them what that is, this is part of what I'm talking about in projecting... we naturally do it, without even realizing it. It's who we are. Yet when you allow someone into our inner mystery, they're more likely than not to shit on it and dump you by the wayside because they wanted the mystery, not who you really are.

PS - And ignore all the advice I've given if you want your heart broken repeatedly. Personally, I wont ascribe to my above advice, I just realize that's how it works, even if it opposes the person I am. Yes, if you're willing to churn through enough relationships and can maintain that level of turnover, you might actually find a relationship gem... so there's hope, if you keep your innocent heart going at it year after year, with many attempts, without letting them ruin you, you might just find someone... or at least you'll die trying. :)

Me, I'm too much of a realist to go on believing I'll win the lotto.
If u dont mind me saying, your post to 'me', feeling quite negative. Although a lot of the points u bring up i can relate too. The post comes across like black and white thinking, like, 80%? Where do u get this figure from? And what exactly is an 'Alpha Male type?' Football, Gym? Muscles?. I think a lot of it is about confidence in yourself, tbo, screw all this alpha male stuff.I bet when you think of an 'Alpha Male' U think, stronger? More confident? More masculinity? Yes women are attracted to this, but, these are things that are not out of your reach. I think think male INFJs do have like a sort of 'Inner confidence' anyway. I think we def could be work on becoming less dependent, and more emotionally strong, which maybe gets better as we get older i don't know.That along with out sensitive, caring side, is a lethal combo imo
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
How about revealing yourself slowly from the beginning when there's a mutual attraction before falling in love with them?

Sometimes I know INFJ has the tendency to build the wall so high up there that they ended up portraying a completely different persona such as cold, independent, unemotional and logical (of course I realised this is merely based on the stereotypical description among INFJ types) that might backfire their love of interests.
Yes i do this, and it does make me very insecure when then pursuing more into the relationship

"Who do they like? Me, or that person i projected? Who is the real me? Dam i can feel them being less attracted as i open up more, this sucks" Now when this happens, i just run and hide. I'm very weary now of when a women is attracted to me, i will get looks, but it seams as soon as i open my mouth, it all messes up, but i think this is true for a lot of men, not just INFJs. A lot of people put on social masks, in fact, i would say most people do. The fact that, if we are a minority, and therefore its less likely to attract someone who 'gets us' Means a lot of dates might not go well, i think this also applies to a lot of people too. IMO, women are attracted to - Humor, confidence, Intelligence, Someone who i emotionally strong.

For some reason, i also get this picture of an old couple on a plane, wife and husband. The women is sensitive, caring, trusting, lovely. The man is a hard worker, he doesn't do abstract thinking, irrational thought, and his wife sometimes annoys him! He is the strong one, but she is in charge. This is the way i would like it to be in my relationship, but, tbo, im not majorly strong, i have an emotional side, and i am abstract so i have trouble in thinking, where will i fit in with a women? Do i need to change? Do i want to change? Yes i do, i want to become stronger, less dependent How one goes about doing that i don't know.

U cant blame a women for being attracted to a stronger guy, its in her genes, its survival at the end of the day. But this tbo, i feel is bull in todays world. We not longer get chased by massive animals, or have to be the biggest male, strongest male to beat down that animal, we now have 'supermarkets'. I think it takes an intelligent women, to realize why he shes attracted to these alpha male types, become its just in built. If she can find one of these types that isn't a complete asshole, and is trusting, then great! Sex will be great for her. I think a lot of women think the sex will be crap with the other types, when infact, i think its can be better, more intense, a different kind of sex. Im not strong, im not what u would call an 'Alpha male' But (Sorry to blow my own trumpet) I do get good feedback from the bedroom apartment. A lot of women, seeing me thou, and me not projecting that alpha male vibe, would think i'm a complete wet lattice in that department

So yeah, if u too can tame your emotional side, become stronger, i don't see any reason why a INFJ male carn't satisfy a women completely Shes still going to be attracted to the alpha males, she might point some out on the TV for fun ' Goddd, luck at his muscles ' but just laugh, and have confidence that u have strong points and weaknesses, and so do other types of men. I'm sick of hearing, INFJs are doomed, grow some bloody confidence, this thinking is exactly what will make u doomed! self fulfilling prophecy

So yeah, have some confidence id say INFJ males and get your emotional shit together and u can have any women u want

So yeh, to sum up

1.Research 'Attraction'
2.Grow some confidence
3.Take care of yourself
4.Project that 'mysterious vibe' but let then slowly know the real u also
5.Become less dependent and more emotionally strong
5.Research 'Attraction'
6.Research 'Attraction'

Did i say, Research 'Attraction'?
 

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I just gotta say something to this since I was ENFP before and changed to INFJ just recently due to big changes in my life.

When I was ENFP, INFJ males were the most interesting type in this whole damn world. My best friend was (and is) INFJ (I haven't actually seen him after my change since he lives in Japan and I live in Finland) and to be honest I had a weird crush on him but didn't want to have anything sexual since we live in different countries and I was afraid that could affecr our friendship. He's just a person I wanna hang out with even when I'm like 80 yrs old.

Anyway, in my ENFP times most of my deepest crushes were INFJ. They were soooo mysterious! So deep. So interesting. Yet, they weren't like open books like ENFP people. INFJ were closed and I had to give a lot of work to "open" them up. That was really inspiring.

So I bet that ENFP girls would find you attractive. I know other ENFP girls also who find the INFJ males the most attractive type that there is. I remember when I was ENFP and I cried because I felt that INFJ is the only type I could have a really serious and deep relationship but there are only 1% INFJ in the whole population and 8% of ENFP so the other ENFPs gonna steal all the INFJs from me :D
 

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I bet when you think of an 'Alpha Male' U think, stronger? More confident? More masculinity? Yes women are attracted to this
I think you answered your own question.


And there's nothing wrong with this, it's just not generally who we are. I make my assertions from observation and years of conversation on personality forums. They are not correct in any absolute way; I just discuss trends and generalities. It doesn't apply to any individual, especially if they choose to buck the trend and work at doing so.

Just if I think an INFJ who tries not to be an INFJ, will likely find themselves attempting to fake things to a greater degree than they normally do.

But it's very black and white yes... that's a problem with knowing anything, as it's always subject to holes and exceptions. And I did say that I don't recommend following my advice... meaning I think being who we are is best, even if it doesn't result in anything good. It may for some, but there aren't a lot of old INFJ men on this forum. Their opinion would likely be the most valuable in further assessment of our relationship situation.
 

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I also gotta say something more.

I'm not attracted to the "strongest" or the "funniest guy". Maybe in physical level, which means I find them sexually attractive... for one night? But I'm not interested in one night stands so basically it means NOTHING. It means that I'm not interested in them only because of that.

I'm interested in the kind guys, the sweet guys, the guys who want to get to know themselves and me, and the people and the world around us. The guys who want to have a deep spiritual connection with me. Those who understand how much there is in this world that we know nothing about. Those who seek for the spiritual growth. I wouldn't be able to date an S type. I did in the past and it was a disaster. I think N is the most important function for me when it comes to guys. INFJ are very good at sensing how the other person is feeling. I'd love to have a bf like that.
 

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I just gotta say something to this since I was ENFP before and changed to INFJ just recently due to big changes in my life.

When I was ENFP, INFJ males were the most interesting type in this whole damn world. My best friend was (and is) INFJ (I haven't actually seen him after my change since he lives in Japan and I live in Finland) and to be honest I had a weird crush on him but didn't want to have anything sexual since we live in different countries and I was afraid that could affecr our friendship. He's just a person I wanna hang out with even when I'm like 80 yrs old.

Anyway, in my ENFP times most of my deepest crushes were INFJ. They were soooo mysterious! So deep. So interesting. Yet, they weren't like open books like ENFP people. INFJ were closed and I had to give a lot of work to "open" them up. That was really inspiring.

So I bet that ENFP girls would find you attractive. I know other ENFP girls also who find the INFJ males the most attractive type that there is. I remember when I was ENFP and I cried because I felt that INFJ is the only type I could have a really serious and deep relationship but there are only 1% INFJ in the whole population and 8% of ENFP so the other ENFPs gonna steal all the INFJs from me :D
Funny, the last girl i dated was an ENFP. I just lost my job, and went to a bar and was drinking. I was with a friend and she was there. She kept offering me her drink and fags, i kept sensing her looking at me and i was just quiet and didn't want to reveal that i was interested, because i was nervous. Anyway, she kept chasing and i didn't give much away. She seamed really into me. She told me, i was the first guy she couldn't read. I was afraid thou she was only attracted because she couldn't work me out, and once she did, she would be gone! haha
 

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I also gotta say something more.

I'm not attracted to the "strongest" or the "funniest guy". Maybe in physical level, which means I find them sexually attractive... for one night? But I'm not interested in one night stands so basically it means NOTHING. It means that I'm not interested in them only because of that.

I'm interested in the kind guys, the sweet guys, the guys who want to get to know themselves and me, and the people and the world around us. The guys who want to have a deep spiritual connection with me. Those who understand how much there is in this world that we know nothing about. Those who seek for the spiritual growth. I wouldn't be able to date an S type. I did in the past and it was a disaster. I think N is the most important function for me when it comes to guys. INFJ are very good at sensing how the other person is feeling. I'd love to have a bf like that.
Yes, i can see how u are attraction to the strong guys as a sex thing, like i said before, its kind of built in to women i think, that attraction. Yes i do find i can sense another persons feeling, sometimes its annoying, don't know how i do but, suppose it can be a good thing
 

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I will say aswell, its important we dont generalize on this topic. Attraction is a very subjective thing, but if u ask most women if they find confidence attractive in a man, she will say yes. I think that's a truth. End of the day, if u want to become more attractive for women, u will connect the dots, and find a way. Its possible even for INFJS.

I found a good artice on Alpha Males here if any of u want to read it, it explains the 'Nice guy syndrome' and why this can turn a women off and how its not about becoming an 'Alpha male' But becoming more of a leader

http://uk.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/137c_dating_advice_a.html
 

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I think INFJ are good just the way they are. But because they are quite shy, they don't always realize how much the girls like them. I believe the girls prefer such abilities as kindness, caring, the will to understand each other etc. over the masculine strenght and stupid things like that. I prefer cute guys over "handsome" guys.

My best friend from Japan who's INFJ was REALLY popular by girls when we were at high school. He never realized that. I knew he was because all my female classmates had a crush on him. But he was so hard to get close that they kinda gave up before even trying. They thought he was out of their reach or too good for them.

We just wondered why is that he never had any serious relationships or why is that he still haven't got that many relationships in his life. I told him this and he was really surprised and suspecting if that was even true.

INFJs also need someone who's patient enough to wait them to open up. Some girls are too impatient and can't give INFJ the time he needs. Once I had a really bad crush on an INFJ. I waited about 4 months and he left to travel for 4 months. I gave him a love letter hidden in a book that I lent to him for his trip. I told he shouldn't open the letter before he's coming back... But yeah, I would've needed even more time :D
 
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