Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello...

I've an ISTP friend, who used to think that it was okay to be single, and with kids.
He used to date me for a while, and although he tried to appear proper initially, eventually tried having sex with me.

I recently found out that he has been dating his friend's girlfriend in secret, while seeing both me and another girl all at the same time. He has even been going on trips with her.
They are very close, and most likely have had physical relations with one another.

Ever since I confronted him about it, he has been trying to avoid me in every way possible. I know that it is biblically a sin to have sex before marriage, and worse, to be cheating with his friend's girlfriend. He says that he believes in Jesus and God too, and that girl whom he is cheating with, claims to be a Christian as well.

However, they seem to not want to stop doing the wrong thing, and I really feel very frustrated that he is choosing this wrong path to take.

As ISTPs, what would help you to turn around from the wrong thing?
I really want to help him, and have been posting many articles online to warn him of the negative consequences of his behavior. But as far as I can tell, he seems to not want to stop cheating with that girl.

Are there any proven ways that I can use to help him turn around for good?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,990 Posts
Let him be, that's it. It'll save you a lot of time by leaving him.

He knows what he's doing and he doesn't care about your opinions. My view is the one doing wrong is his friends girlfriend. She is the culprit cheating. If you're single, you can't cheat.
 
  • Like
Reactions: islandlight

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for your response!

But he could have told her that it's wrong, and stopped letting her cheat with him too...

Btw, do you think it's possible for an ISTP to be led down the wrong path by someone else's bad example?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
203 Posts
She's providing him with sex. Why would he tell her to stop cheating when he's getting sex out of the deal? Sorry, but that's not going to happen with 99% of men.

I wouldn't waste my time with either of the cheaters. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!
 

·
Code Cracked
Joined
·
7,722 Posts
Hello...

I've an ISTP friend, who used to think that it was okay to be single, and with kids.
He used to date me for a while, and although he tried to appear proper initially, eventually tried having sex with me.

I recently found out that he has been dating his friend's girlfriend in secret, while seeing both me and another girl all at the same time. He has even been going on trips with her.
They are very close, and most likely have had physical relations with one another.

Ever since I confronted him about it, he has been trying to avoid me in every way possible. I know that it is biblically a sin to have sex before marriage, and worse, to be cheating with his friend's girlfriend. He says that he believes in Jesus and God too, and that girl whom he is cheating with, claims to be a Christian as well.

However, they seem to not want to stop doing the wrong thing, and I really feel very frustrated that he is choosing this wrong path to take.

As ISTPs, what would help you to turn around from the wrong thing?
I really want to help him, and have been posting many articles online to warn him of the negative consequences of his behavior. But as far as I can tell, he seems to not want to stop cheating with that girl.

Are there any proven ways that I can use to help him turn around for good?



You may want to brush up on ISTPs if he is one. Good luck sweetie
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
32 Posts
Listen, I'm a Christian as well, and a big part of living in this world is accepting that not everybody believes what we believe. Even among Christians there are varying beliefs on certain things, even when it comes to how to live your day to day life. Much of the time, you have to approach someone and reason with them based on what THEY believe, and a lot of the time it won't be the same as what you believe. "Believing in Jesus and God" says almost literally nothing these days, and it definitely is meaningless when it comes from a guy with three different girlfriends. So don't approach it anymore as being something God doesn't like, because he clearly doesn't give a damn about that. Also, probably stop posting religious stuff hoping he reads it and has a change of heart.

Now, having said all that, I do believe God created the world and everyone in it, and he did it according to certain principles. A lot of times the wisest course of action is to speak in terms of these universal principles rather than explicitly quoting scripture. One of those principles that almost everyone will agree to: One romantic partner at a freaking time. Another one most people agree to in theory if not in practice is the golden rule... this guy would definitely not appreciate being cheated on, so whatever he believes about God's laws, he can't be a decent human by hardly anyone's standards without treating others the way he would want to be treated.

Also, if he is friends with the guy that the one girl is cheating on with him... his supposed friendship ought to motivate him to not do that to his friend. People said you can't cheat if you're single, and I do agree with that in principle. But in practice, first of all I wouldn't be with someone who is cheating with me, because first of all I deserve someone that treats people in general with respect. Also, I ought to be enough of a priority to be an official romantic partner, IE break up with the dude or you don't get to ride this train just yet lol. And second of all, if I am with someone who is cheating on someone and I know it, I am morally on the hook partially because of what I know we're doing to that person. But all of the things in this paragraph fall on similar lines to quoting scripture, if he wants to be a bad friend and to sell himself short by being with someone who won't dump her boyfriend first... that's his business and it's no use trying to change his mind for him.

Which brings us to the important parts:

1) I hope you aren't still with him now... you deserve much better, the end. Dump him fast if you haven't already.

2) depending on how strong your friendship is with these other girls, or the guy getting cheated on, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to consider telling them what's happening. A lot of people would say that's underhanded somehow, but personally I've never been down with that logic... who is it you're mistreating by sharing this information, the guy cheating? He deserves it. The girl cheating? She also deserves it. Best argument you could make is the one where it's gonna temporarily break the hearts of the people getting cheated ON, so it's arguably sparing their feelings to leave them in the dark, but since I would personally want to know, "do unto others" dictates that I tell them the facts.

Anyway, those are all just my own opinions, I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you find a reasonable way through this mess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
204 Posts
You can not change an ISTP if you NEED it. An ISTP can change you though in this situation. You will go crazy about him. You will build your life around him.

Just leave him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,402 Posts
Hello...

I've an ISTP friend, who used to think that it was okay to be single, and with kids.
He used to date me for a while, and although he tried to appear proper initially, eventually tried having sex with me.

I recently found out that he has been dating his friend's girlfriend in secret, while seeing both me and another girl all at the same time. He has even been going on trips with her.
They are very close, and most likely have had physical relations with one another.

Ever since I confronted him about it, he has been trying to avoid me in every way possible. I know that it is biblically a sin to have sex before marriage, and worse, to be cheating with his friend's girlfriend. He says that he believes in Jesus and God too, and that girl whom he is cheating with, claims to be a Christian as well.

However, they seem to not want to stop doing the wrong thing, and I really feel very frustrated that he is choosing this wrong path to take.

As ISTPs, what would help you to turn around from the wrong thing?
I really want to help him, and have been posting many articles online to warn him of the negative consequences of his behavior. But as far as I can tell, he seems to not want to stop cheating with that girl.

Are there any proven ways that I can use to help him turn around for good?
your subjective idea of good/bad needs to stay within you... dont force anybody to become what 'you' think is good. its hypocrisy and bullshit.

do him a favor and leave him alone. hes doing what he wants and likes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,790 Posts
Do you know they’re being physical? In that case you can do his friend a favor and out his cheating girlfriend. It won’t do much to improve the situation, but it’s fair to him to have a conscious choice in the matter.

and have been posting many articles online to warn him
As in posting to him personally or as in posting publicly and hope he takes the hint? If the latter, that’s just bad form and makes you come off as passive aggressive - much like your applying your personal values to other people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Do you know they’re being physical? In that case you can do his friend a favor and out his cheating girlfriend. It won’t do much to improve the situation, but it’s fair to him to have a conscious choice in the matter.


As in posting to him personally or as in posting publicly and hope he takes the hint? If the latter, that’s just bad form and makes you come off as passive aggressive - much like your applying your personal values to other people.
Um, I've been posting those things to him privately, but in an indirect manner.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Do you know they’re being physical? In that case you can do his friend a favor and out his cheating girlfriend. It won’t do much to improve the situation, but it’s fair to him to have a conscious choice in the matter.


As in posting to him personally or as in posting publicly and hope he takes the hint? If the latter, that’s just bad form and makes you come off as passive aggressive - much like your applying your personal values to other people.
And I'm not so sure if they're being physical... I only know that they've been talking every day, going out on regular dinner and movie dates, and even trips, alone. The physical part is something I'm assuming, since the istp had a crush on her, and she is reciprocating for he seems to be her ideal type (a pretty boy whom she shamelessly finds "delicious", and who fulfills her fantasies)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Listen, I'm a Christian as well, and a big part of living in this world is accepting that not everybody believes what we believe. Even among Christians there are varying beliefs on certain things, even when it comes to how to live your day to day life. Much of the time, you have to approach someone and reason with them based on what THEY believe, and a lot of the time it won't be the same as what you believe. "Believing in Jesus and God" says almost literally nothing these days, and it definitely is meaningless when it comes from a guy with three different girlfriends. So don't approach it anymore as being something God doesn't like, because he clearly doesn't give a damn about that. Also, probably stop posting religious stuff hoping he reads it and has a change of heart.

Now, having said all that, I do believe God created the world and everyone in it, and he did it according to certain principles. A lot of times the wisest course of action is to speak in terms of these universal principles rather than explicitly quoting scripture. One of those principles that almost everyone will agree to: One romantic partner at a freaking time. Another one most people agree to in theory if not in practice is the golden rule... this guy would definitely not appreciate being cheated on, so whatever he believes about God's laws, he can't be a decent human by hardly anyone's standards without treating others the way he would want to be treated.

Also, if he is friends with the guy that the one girl is cheating on with him... his supposed friendship ought to motivate him to not do that to his friend. People said you can't cheat if you're single, and I do agree with that in principle. But in practice, first of all I wouldn't be with someone who is cheating with me, because first of all I deserve someone that treats people in general with respect. Also, I ought to be enough of a priority to be an official romantic partner, IE break up with the dude or you don't get to ride this train just yet lol. And second of all, if I am with someone who is cheating on someone and I know it, I am morally on the hook partially because of what I know we're doing to that person. But all of the things in this paragraph fall on similar lines to quoting scripture, if he wants to be a bad friend and to sell himself short by being with someone who won't dump her boyfriend first... that's his business and it's no use trying to change his mind for him.

Which brings us to the important parts:

1) I hope you aren't still with him now... you deserve much better, the end. Dump him fast if you haven't already.

2) depending on how strong your friendship is with these other girls, or the guy getting cheated on, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to consider telling them what's happening. A lot of people would say that's underhanded somehow, but personally I've never been down with that logic... who is it you're mistreating by sharing this information, the guy cheating? He deserves it. The girl cheating? She also deserves it. Best argument you could make is the one where it's gonna temporarily break the hearts of the people getting cheated ON, so it's arguably sparing their feelings to leave them in the dark, but since I would personally want to know, "do unto others" dictates that I tell them the facts.

Anyway, those are all just my own opinions, I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you find a reasonable way through this mess.
Thank you for your kind words, and for your advice!

I've stopped trying to contact him, and only have been communicating indirectly with him via private social media posts that only he has access to. I've been trying to cite biblical consequences of the sins he has been committing, hoping that he will take heed of the consequences of his actions, and thereby turn around from his sins...


Btw, one thing I really don't get is... why that girl had to lead this istp on from the very beginning, even though she already had a boyfriend. and why she can't just choose between one of them, but juggle the both of them at the same time, just for her darn needs. It is very selfish of her >< And why the istp just can't choose the right thing to do, and keep a distance from her until she becomes single again. :/
 

·
Registered
ISTP 9w8
Joined
·
670 Posts
You can't change him if he doesn't want to change. Unless he's a total numbskull, he'll learn his lesson once his friend finds out and beats his ass and the girl leaves him eventually too. Karma's a bitch.

But if you really want to do something about this, I think you should just tell him, clearly and directly, just what you think of the situation. It might at least make him feel embarrassed.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Top