Not really sure what you can do other than be his friend and help support him. The only person that can change himself is himself. It's quite possible he acts the way he does because he's young. Perhaps he was raised not to question parents and authority figures. I feel a lot of this is his raising rather than his type.
How can I help my ISFJ friend who is being controlled?
Hi guys, my friend is an ISFJ who is currently being controlled by his family. They passively control him and turn him into literally a robot. Now he is 17 and all he does is eat, sleep, rest, study and spend time with family, that is, for real, all he does. I met him at June and he has no friends at all because all his friends see him as boring, blank and has no personality or individuality at all. He just stick with whoever let him stick with despite that they didn't consider much of him, like an dispensable follower. Not a single one person want to get close to him since they believe he is what he is showing, well some did but that is solely because he is hot but they get bored eventually.
However, he has his own feelings, needs, wants and desires. He didn't validate most of them until I come and talk with him about it. He has buried them all under his family's demands from big things such as what he wants to study or what hobbies he has passion for to small things like what he wants to eat or hanging out with friends. He sacrifices everything for his family! He has no feelings that he is being a victim though he agrees with me that his family is controlling him, he wants to live as who he is and he is changing to achieve it. But the thing is everything is still the same, well he does open up a little and hang out with me and the group more but that just it, he is still his family's puppet. I don't know what the cause is, may be he is stuck in the rut of doing the same things for his family, may be he just can't *hurt* them (it obviously not hurting them if he wants to live how he wants) or may be he is just too weak-willed?
Are all ISFJ so nice, accepting and then live a meaningless life like this, sorry I'm an ESFP but if you live a life serving others without it even being your own choices then you should start your next life asap. I know another ISFJ whose father is a cheater that bring his new wife home to live and treat everyone bad but the ISFJ still accepts it and obeys despite feeling hurt and other negative emotions.
So is there anyway that I can help him? He is very important to me and I want him to change and enjoy life so please help me! Thank you very much for reading this post and helping me.
However, he has his own feelings, needs, wants and desires. He didn't validate most of them until I come and talk with him about it. He has buried them all under his family's demands from big things such as what he wants to study or what hobbies he has passion for to small things like what he wants to eat or hanging out with friends. He sacrifices everything for his family! He has no feelings that he is being a victim though he agrees with me that his family is controlling him, he wants to live as who he is and he is changing to achieve it. But the thing is everything is still the same, well he does open up a little and hang out with me and the group more but that just it, he is still his family's puppet. I don't know what the cause is, may be he is stuck in the rut of doing the same things for his family, may be he just can't *hurt* them (it obviously not hurting them if he wants to live how he wants) or may be he is just too weak-willed?
Are all ISFJ so nice, accepting and then live a meaningless life like this, sorry I'm an ESFP but if you live a life serving others without it even being your own choices then you should start your next life asap. I know another ISFJ whose father is a cheater that bring his new wife home to live and treat everyone bad but the ISFJ still accepts it and obeys despite feeling hurt and other negative emotions.
So is there anyway that I can help him? He is very important to me and I want him to change and enjoy life so please help me! Thank you very much for reading this post and helping me.
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He's got you.... and he has no friends at all ...
Thanks guys for your answers, I guess this is a hard case right since hardly anyone answers :bored:.
@WhataM: you are right, it is from his raising, his family is very dominant.
@AAADD Pumpkin Rupsje: well back then I'm just a stranger, I befriend with later though.
@WhataM: you are right, it is from his raising, his family is very dominant.
@AAADD Pumpkin Rupsje: well back then I'm just a stranger, I befriend with later though.
You can't. As much as it pains me to say this, it's what I've learned over years and years of experience: You can only "help" those who are willing to "help" themselves. "Freeing" someone of something as delicate as oppression (perceived or not) is an extremely complicated matter; especially when it comes to matter involving family and/or religion. It's one thing to reach out and welcome someone into your fold. However, It's an entirely different matter to become overly involved and meddle in affairs that are of little or no concern to you to begin with. The best thing you can do is be a role model; be someone he feels the need to emulate. And if others decide to trash talk him behind his back within ear shot of you, it's up to you to let it continue or nip it in the bud.
Unfortunately, for your standard ISFJ, they change at their own pace, that is, when they decide to do so.So is there anyway that I can help him? He is very important to me and I want him to change and enjoy life so please help me! Thank you very much for reading this post and helping me.
What you can do is continue to be a good friend and allow him to "be himself" when in your company. An ISFJ needs a safe environment to start getting those cognitive wheels to slowly click into place. It is apparent that his home environment is not conducive to his growth. Encourage your friend to suggest a hangout place/activity that he likes and go do that with him.
I think for your friend, he needs to be physically away from his family to fully "bloom". If he hasn't thought about college, he should. And at least a couple hundred miles away at that. That would give him the space to start figuring things out on his own and pave the way towards his own independence and focus on his wants and needs.
Perhaps start planting the seed of growth in him by casually mentioning how he is good at X or maybe he should pursue a degree in Y that he happens to enjoy. While presently, he may be stuck in his current situation, subconsciously pointing out positive "what-ifs", would help stimulate him into laying down the foundation towards a particular goal if he feels strongly about it. An ISFJ does take awhile to reach a goal, but they do steadily take small steps forward, once they decided to do so, until they reach the end.
He is 17 and living with his family - give him time to grow up, go to the college, or find a job to support himself - then he can move out and start figuring things for himself - if he wants to. Sometimes your needs are not that important - I met people who let the life make all the decisions for them - never to take their own way - and being contented. If you placed them in position where they would have to start solving themselves they would fall apart. Doing your own thing can include not to take action and just go with whatever is happening - that can be your very legitimate thing.. And if he is unhappy in this and if it was imposed on him - you do need to hit the rock bottom before you are able to move away from it - sometimes the oppression must reach high enough level for you to not be able to live like that any more and break from the habit of: this has always been like this and there is nothing else.
Good friends are everything. And people who live differently and organize their life differently - so that you can see there is other way than what you see in your family or surroundings. Maybe to help him connect to other groups of people so that he can see all the different shapes and ways of life - if you live in isolation - what you isolate yourself with is what you will take as a norm - nothing else exists. You cannot break from existing family into non-existent world..
Good friends are everything. And people who live differently and organize their life differently - so that you can see there is other way than what you see in your family or surroundings. Maybe to help him connect to other groups of people so that he can see all the different shapes and ways of life - if you live in isolation - what you isolate yourself with is what you will take as a norm - nothing else exists. You cannot break from existing family into non-existent world..
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
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