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What do you wish you could tell INFPs in this respect?

I am an INFP and am trying to be better.
 

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Listen more. Really that's all there is. I have an INFP aunt who just won't listen long enough to let other people's opinions sink in. She doesn't gather data or try to compare that data to her own values and change them. I'll through a whack of Te facts and figures at her and she can't handle that, freaks out or ignores it.

She's unhealthy, delusional. So I try to prove her internalised fears wrong with facts and it never lasts.
 

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There's nothing wrong with being selfish and self centred. It's definitely better than being too concerned about other people. I know, society tends to give advice like, "put other's needs first" and honestly, I think this is why we're all so unhappy. Just take care of yourself. You have no obligation to be kind or considerate of others. If you have to force yourself to be considerate of others, then you know it's going against your own nature. Is it really worth it?
 

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exploring space
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@nowmary You have to find the right balance between being selfish and selfless. That's true for anyone, not just INFPs. You have to take care of yourself and be there for others when it's right. Gotta weight the prons and cons of each situation to see what you have to do. I struggled for many years with putting other people first, even to the point of depression and not knowing myself, which was horrible.


Listen more. Really that's all there is. I have an INFP aunt who just won't listen long enough to let other people's opinions sink in. She doesn't gather data or try to compare that data to her own values and change them. I'll through a whack of Te facts and figures at her and she can't handle that, freaks out or ignores it.

She's unhealthy, delusional. So I try to prove her internalised fears wrong with facts and it never lasts.
Dario Nardi's research showed INFPs are the best listeners of all types and in my experience that's true. People always come to me for their problems and love to talk to me for hours. I also had an INFP therapist and she was superb, my favorite one so far.
If your aunt is unhealthy and delusional, throwing "facts" at her is never going to help her. Your approach is likely wrong and maybe even more damaging to her because she might not feel supported and loved which is likely going to push her away further. The only people I've seen get mobilised by "facts" are INTJs.
 

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They need to be born again as another type. Just kidding. Maybe.

I wouldn't mind being self-centered myself.
 

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Dario Nardi's research showed INFPs are the best listeners of all types and in my experience that's true. People always come to me for their problems and love to talk to me for hours. I also had an INFP therapist and she was superb, my favorite one so far.
If your aunt is unhealthy and delusional, throwing "facts" at her is never going to help her. Your approach is likely wrong and maybe even more damaging to her because she might not feel supported and loved which is likely going to push her away further. The only people I've seen get mobilised by "facts" are INTJs.
Maybe. On average. That doesn't mean all INFPs or at all times.

There's no way my aunt is healthy and I've tried everything with her. I've tried a gentle Fi approach and a Te factual approach. So I don't think I'm doing the 'wrong' thing. The only way your approach would work is if I give in to her ideals and give her what she wants but she doesn't understand enough of the world and can't see a perspective beyond her own to understand how damaging it would be if she got her way... If she did then I'm sure she would change her mind... So yeah, if my way is wrong then I'd rather go with the wrong way.
 

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Maybe. On average. That doesn't mean all INFPs or at all times.

There's no way my aunt is healthy and I've tried everything with her. I've tried a gentle Fi approach and a Te factual approach. So I don't think I'm doing the 'wrong' thing. The only way your approach would work is if I give in to her ideals and give her what she wants but she doesn't understand enough of the world and can't see a perspective beyond her own to understand how damaging it would be if she got her way... If she did then I'm sure she would change her mind... So yeah, if my way is wrong then I'd rather go with the wrong way.
Of course not, but we are supposed to give general advice here and having the example of your unhealthy aunt isn't exactly 'general'. Maybe it is for those unhealthy types sure but even so, it seems like a rather extreme case.

What I meant was that there's probably nothing you can do to improve the situation, perhaps only support her in getting professional help.
 

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Of course not, but we are supposed to give general advice here and having the example of your unhealthy aunt isn't exactly 'general'. Maybe it is for those unhealthy types sure but even so, it seems like a rather extreme case.

What I meant was that there's probably nothing you can do to improve the situation, perhaps only support her in getting professional help.
Uuuh, sure whatever. I thought an example might help... I'm sorry I don't know what the average INFP is like, don't take it personally that I used a personal example, it was never intended as a general brush of INFPs, obviously, only intended to show how an INFP could become selfish. This topic isn't about all INFPs being selfish either but helping those who are... So I was providing an example of an INFP I know who is on the chance that the OP or someone else reading might even be able to relate... There was no harm in that. The advice was pretty non-offensive too, right?

As for my personal issue, that's not a solution either.
 
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There's nothing wrong with being selfish and self centred. It's definitely better than being too concerned about other people. I know, society tends to give advice like, "put other's needs first" and honestly, I think this is why we're all so unhappy. Just take care of yourself. You have no obligation to be kind or considerate of others. If you have to force yourself to be considerate of others, then you know it's going against your own nature. Is it really worth it?
Exactly. An Fi dom would hate doing something if the intention isn’t there anyway. So it’s not worth it.
 

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Plague Doctor
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@nowmary

First thing I'd say is that it's your responsibility to take care of yourself; not anyone else's (as long as you're legally an adult as, obviously, myself and his dad are the responsible parties involved with my 6 year-old son). What comes natural to you might look like these words to others, but if you cannot take care of yourself, there's no way you'll be able to branch out for others or even be in a frame of mind where you can listen to others.

Second, engage your imagination and Ne (you'll understand it better than me) with other people. Ask them about something you find interesting, essentially, put your mind and others minds together to generate ideas as that's the way you connect with the world. If you have social anxiety or are really uncomfortable in public, you could do that places like here, but it's generally better that people - especially introverts - get out every so often, even if it's just for a bit.

Also, I'd advise coming up with alternate words with positive connotations to describe this. I have found that INFPs can be incredibly selfless, myself. They just need to take care of their own sh*t first. So, instead of selfish, for example, find a different word, like "self aware", "interpersonal", or just whatever puts a positive slant on it. Because I don't think that there's much that will come out of calling yourself those things and it is found that positive incentives (inner and outer) are much more transformative than negative incentives.

Lastly, really consider what ponpiri said. If you want to change, examine why you do. Also, examine some of your beliefs that lead to undesired behavior. Challenge them. Find out if they are serving you or if you need to replace them with healthier, more accurate beliefs.

Good luck with all of this.
 

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Uuuh, sure whatever. I thought an example might help... I'm sorry I don't know what the average INFP is like, don't take it personally that I used a personal example, it was never intended as a general brush of INFPs, obviously, only intended to show how an INFP could become selfish. This topic isn't about all INFPs being selfish either but helping those who are... So I was providing an example of an INFP I know who is on the chance that the OP or someone else reading might even be able to relate... There was no harm in that. The advice was pretty non-offensive too, right?

As for my personal issue, that's not a solution either.
It's okay I'm not taking it personally. All's good. Maybe it is what OP needs.
 

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Stop putting so much emphasis on how unique you are.
Listen to other opinions you disagree with.
Try to not focus so much on whatever petty issues you have.
Don't get so triggered easily.
Actually learn how to handle constructive criticism and valid advice.
 
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