Personality Cafe banner

21 - 40 of 79 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
I have gone through an experience in the past with someone who married me on the basis of a list of 5 things her father told her to look for any man. It was a weird list because while I was too young to truly understand what it meant (and wrapped up in my infatuation to consider its impact on me), her list eventually turned me into a "slave-like" creature whose sole purpose to exist was to fulfill her whims and live up to her fantastical mythical creature she thought I was supposed to be on the basis of her own poor personality and upbringing. She probably matured after our break up as well. So I'm glad that she's happy now. But we weren't happy together.

One of the things that I "passed" on her list of superficial nonsense was that I was handsome. The other shit was "well educated", "high income earner" ... and a couple of other things I forgot.

I wanted someone who was capable of love. For me it was that simple. She couldn't even live up to that :laughing: but I apparently was just someone who fulfilled her stupid "requirements" so that was supposedly good enough... "Marry him now, change him later". A lot of women do this (especially in my desi culture). But they don't realize that it's because they are incapable of loving someone and instead fall in love with their list.

It's not an experience I will ever want to repeat and given what happened in that relationship, I decided right here on PerC and categorically stated that I was much more willing to live my life alone than live it being a slave for some random woman's fantasies.

I was lucky that I found someone where we are a partnership based on loving each other for who we are. It is possible, but it's not likely for everyone to find such a relationship so I'm always appreciative of what I have now. Being loved by someone unconditionally is an incredible feeling - but given how many break ups and divorces happen, I don't think it's possible for everyone to find it.
Sounds like things I've experienced, word by word. In my case I didn't get married. I understand what you say, things could sound "so sweet" but there are times when the angle, the words, everything sounds like "you are a great tool, or rug for me to stand on it", it's not an easy topic to discuss, it is but it takes several words to delimit the meanings.

Great post, I don't think you are fully aware the many threads you could copy and paste your words and it would be a direct hit, I've been mentioning on several threads how a lot of people don't realize they are following their parents path, or acting on their reflection and not their own (related to the term marrying their list), it's sad how many people in this world can't see the real person. I'm glad you found that great companionship, that great partnership. I have some other things to say but it's late and this is quite valuable as it is,.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2015
Joined
·
10,473 Posts
  • How can one evaluate their own attractiveness, or attraction level?


  • I don't know if you really can. Even if you're used to receiving compliments, that focus on looks will tend to generate criticism on them as well. Women who put themselves out there in the public eye as sex symbols come to mind, but in lesser cases it can be totally unsolicited. If you draw attention (intentionally or not) be prepared for both the good and the bad and all. What of that is true?

    It's also more fragile the more deeply ingrained in your self identity it is, I think. I don't believe that this is necessarily due to vanity, but if you're continually being told that you're attractive, and benefiting from it in various ways, there can be an insecurity in losing that. You might assess it more than others would, which can breed additional insecurity.

    I get told that I look like a celebrity a lot. (Apparently I "have a look" lol... whatever that means). Sometimes from random strangers. It's rarely the same one. I honestly brace myself when someone does the - "do you know who you look like?" It can be flattering, but it can also shake my self perception if it's someone I don't personally find attractive. It also just reinforces the fact that everyone else's perception is unique too, when I want attraction to be more of a science to either feel confident in or not. Recently in person I got Evangeline Lilly (but specifically as Kate in Lost... which was very flattering imo), and Anne Hathaway... which, I can maybe see some similarities there? But then I also got Nicole Kidman (from some cashier at a gas station), and I'm not sure how she fits into that.

    I knew a regular at a bar who would refer to me as the Sofia Vergara look a like (yes, please, go on xD), but then another guy simultaneously thought I looked like a young Elisabeth Shue (had to look that one up). Pretty sure they look nothing alike. Cue a strange moment in the mirror - who am I?

    [*]How can you know, how attractive you are, to potential partners?
    I have no idea unless they tell me and it sounds-seems honest. I recently got a backhanded compliment from a guy friend. He told me that he thought I had the face of a top model, and the proportions of one, so why don't I just lose fifteen pounds, get super hot, and fully tap into that? ("This guy's a friend?" lol, yea, I kind of find his radical honesty entertaining). I'm more confident about that now (this time last year was pretty much an obsession with about ten pounds, and the journey was sort of freeing), so it didn't really bother me, but it has been an insecurity. (Does ten or fifteen pounds Really matter? Especially if it would put me on the verge of underweight? And for some guys, yea, it really does. Was kinda funny to just hear it from someone who wasn't purposefully being a dick).

    When guys ask me my body type I tell them "I don't know" lol. Guess you'll have to judge for yourself dependent on your standards.

    I never know how I'm being perceived if I meet someone online either. I don't think I photograph fantastically, and I've been told that I'm better looking in person, but that puts additional pressure on the in person meet up. I've also been told that I have a presence that's attractive, but it makes me overthink what that is. I like dates with beers and such. Get me outta my head pls.

    [*]Is it based on who finds you attractive; the types of people, you are attracting?
    Is the question really who though? Or why? I've gotten crap for my online dating profiles from a couple friends who've looked at them. They say the photos aren't my best, why don't you have any info, etc. I tell them, no, you don't understand. I match with literally basically everyone I swipe on, and I'm picky. But hey, you know, thanks for the vote of confidence! I mean they're dudes, who tend to be swipe happy, and that isn't a super accomplishment, but still.

    I've had guys I thought were hotter than me admit they thought I was out of their league, and guys I didn't think were hotter than me act like they were... like, discovering me or something. Like I was the girl next door no one else had noticed yet, but with their keen eye, well... you have something special missy, don't let 'em tell you otherwise (they... don't xD. I'll eat you for breakfast, stfu). Makes me think I attract a lot of on the fencers. Like, well, she's out of my league, but not so much so that I don't have a shot! Or, you know what, that'll do. Sure, why not. It's really a guessing game trying to figure out who may be who. Apparently this could be because I'm on the precipice of being really hot, but not quite there according to radical honesty. (Also, I'm getting old. So old. Sexual Market Value proponents love to remind me of this. So that takes me down a few notches too).

    How can you make yourself more attractive, naturally?
    [/B]As opposed to plastic surgery, or drastically changing your appearance?
    For example, a sincere smile, can enhance anyone's appearance. :wink:
    How about small adjustments, can we be more approachable?
    Should we work on our body, through fitness, & diet regimens?
    Would teeth whitening, hair dyes, contacts, make a difference?
    How about with makeup, clothes, etc...?
    Just genuinely engaging and being engaged are big in attraction, I think.

    I do work out (well, sometimes) and whiten my teeth, go for higher end make-up, etc though. But I get asked out in sweats too, so I don't know if it makes a huge difference. Honestly, I think it makes more of a difference for me. Putting the time and energy into things like appearance adds some romanticism, a certain spark... it heightens the situation. And that's all sexy.

    What are your physical attributes?
    Should we highlight those attributes?
    Yes! Highlight for sure.

    Have you noticed something that you did, that was favorable, in attracting your desired demographic?
    If so, please share your secrets, we promise we won't tell.
    My exes have been sought after, and I suppose I succeeded in attracting them over other people. They told me at various times that they thought I'm funny. I don't really think that I'm that funny (well, no, I personally find myself hilarious, but I'm not sure how common of an opinion this is), so... idk. Maybe my self amusement catches on.

    Though they found me physically attractive as well. At least at first, because break-ups and their lead up's and who knows. I dated a guy who would survey a bar and announce that I was still the most attractive woman anywhere we went. It wasn't a compliment so much as a challenge. Like, don't let it slip though girl. He was a dick xD I've had especially weird appearance complexes since. I used to be more meticulous about it.

    So, erm. I don't really know what exactly I'm looking for anymore. Prob why I like to cast a wide net. I just try to keep myself excited, which can be a chore at times. I drink about it sometimes. That helps. So does crafting it all as some entertaining story in my mind. Or to people I make listen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,951 Posts
I appreciate your insights. I just wanted to address this part, from the people I attract IRL, a high percentage of them are much older men, like old enough to be my father. I don't mind even up to 15 years older, but past that, is a little gross to me.


I went to the store with my friend, I kid you not, this older man (late 60's- early 70's) asked me, if I would go home with him, to have sex! :shocked::confused: My answer was, NO, no, no, no, no, no! I was dressed modestly, in business attire, so I don't know what gave him the idea, I was that type of woman. Plus my friend is this cute, petite, Japanese woman, who looks 19, why me, & not her? When we left the store, she said, "you always, get the freaks." :dry:


I'm not sure why older men are so drawn to me, it's been happening since I was a teenager. Any suggestions, on how to attract men, my own age?
My guess is you look accommodating and innocent.
 

·
Registered
♂️ INFJ 5w4 (593) // IEI-Ni
Joined
·
4,427 Posts
In a world where people fap to pictures of My Little Pony, I reckon I'm probably not the strangest thing someone could find attractive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,951 Posts
I think you hit the nail on the head, no pun intended.
I like observing people.

It's a pattern I have noticed with older men - that's what they go for. After all the inexperienced might mistake their mediocrity for brilliance.

In my case they give me a look and turn up their nose. Not that innocent looking I suppose.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,480 Posts
Discussion Starter · #28 · (Edited)
IRL I'm invisible to most men, one guy almost backhanded me once, because he didn't see me standing there. :dry: *Edit: I think the right term here is "wallflower".

I'm probably a cross between the "Plain Jane", & the "good girl", stereotypes. I get why the good girl, might be appealing, but is any guy ever attracted to a Plain Jane?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,113 Posts
I get why the good girl, might be appealing, but is any guy ever attracted to a Plain Jane?
"The good girl" is boring AF ime.
"Plain Jane" is where unexpected fun can be found.

Why is Jane fun and the hot one boring? Simply put: Jane puts in effort when being noticed and appreciate it so much more -> making me feel self-worth. I get something out of it, Jane gets something out of it.

I personally don't categorize people like this. I only see boring people and fun people. :p
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mmmm

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
IRL I'm invisible to most men, one guy almost backhanded me once, because he didn't see me standing there. :dry:

I'm probably a cross between the "Plain Jane", & the "good girl", stereotypes. I get why the good girl, might be appealing, but is any guy ever attracted to a Plain Jane?
Bits of the discussion don't sound like attraction anymore (to me), sounds more like identity stuff. Just like when we are teenagers and we want to choose and be "one" person-projection-of-personality, when in fact we are many of them, this becomes easier as we grow older and grow comfortable on our own skin. Anyone can be the good girl, or good guy, but our experiences can change our reaction to it as we find negative or positive meanings on the term.

Being the good girl or good boy is actually "good", but sometimes depending on our environment, we might dislike it because it sounds more like "innocent as in inoffensive-type" like more related to the things you do and don't do, instead of what you are as a person. Many of us have experienced this transition at diff ages when "good guy / good girl" becomes something we reject as persons ourselves.

INTJ to INTJ, this is not something easy to solve theoretically, or researching, it's a matter of interaction and breaking barriers until one feels confident on the broken limits.

Plain Jane? I mean, how many guys go nuts for the "girl next door" like personality? a lot. Same with the "good girl", so this sounds tome more like the person being comfortable with what this suppose to mean. And no you don't seem plain to me.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,480 Posts
Discussion Starter · #31 ·
I think that beauty should not only be external. A man should be beautiful inside. Do you agree with me?
Yes, I agree with you 100%



@changos I think you make a good point. I think the "good girl" persona might be someone's first impression, of a person because they have an air of innocence to them. I speak for myself, in that a person can see, I'm not trying to manipulate them, & that I don't have any ulterior motives. But of course we are all multi-dimensional, & can't be good all the time.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,480 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 · (Edited)
Guys, when you see a woman blush, do you automatically think, she must like me?

Guys, when you see a woman blush, do you automatically think, she must like me? :blushed:

It seems to be the common denominator among men, thinking that a blushing woman, equals attraction.
(I'm posing this question because it came out on another thread.)

 

However, this is not always the case. Especially with those of us who blush easily. I have a light complexion, so many things can trigger a red face. Heat, cold, alcohol, nervousness, embarrassment, anxiety/stress, can all, trigger blushing. Honestly, if a baby, were to stare at me, it could cause blushing, so don't flatter yourself, it's not you, it's me. :tongue:

FYI -please don't point it out, we (I mean me) hate that! :dry:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
I can guess that I'm attractive in general based on the many women who tell me so, and on how I look in photos, but I'm likely not "girlfriend material" which is an entirely separate entity. I know what I would need to do to change that:

-Let my hair grow out. It's shaved right now.

-Wear at least minimal makeup every day I go out. A lot of men say they'd rather women not wear any, but fact is they don't really know what that looks like.

-Wear clothes that don't hide my body for the most part.

-Have a more feminine attitude overall.

None of these things would really make me more or less attractive, though, when it comes down to it. If the foundation is good, then it would be difficult to change that. I've seen women covered in acne with their hair a mess who I still considered beautiful, because of bone structure/genetics. But I know most guys probably wouldn't think they were beautiful because of those things. Which is silly when I think about how attractive Jimi Hendrix was despite having acne and crazy hair...lol

Either way, I feel that the real question shouldn't be "How attractive are you to potential partners?," unless your only goal for the way you choose to present yourself is to attract someone. There's really no reason to suggest someone should ask themselves that question if that's not the case. It should simply be "Are you confident in yourself?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
866 Posts
I don't know how one can evaluate their attractiveness.
I've heard a lot that I'm attractive- both from guys and girls- however am hardly ever approached and haven't been in any long-term relationship up to this day.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,134 Posts
How can one evaluate their own attractiveness, or attraction level?
physical health

How can you know, how attractive you are, to potential partners?
achievements, talents and potential.

Is it based on who finds you attractive; the types of people, you are attracting?
not necessarily but they serve as some sort of confirmation, but likewise so does people in general wanting your time or attention in any context.

Is it based on body image? Is that even reliable?
partially, depends on the individual though so it might as well not matter.
yes there is general overlap but there's evolutionary reasons for that which are likely politically incorrect to explore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
I work with the human body, my clients are mostly women and I rarely find one that's is happy and proud of the way she looks. When I tell the how beautiful they are, how firm her bum is, how nice her skin looks or how toned her body is, they never acknowledge it, they tent to replied with a very shy 'thank's' fallow by a clumsy explanation on why they are not pretty enough. On the other hand, my male clients, not that many, when I compliment something the glow with proud, say 'thank you' and most of them proceed to explain how did they achieve what ever I complimented. I want to see more females like that.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,075 Posts
  • How can one evaluate their own attractiveness, or attraction level?
So the answer is yes.

To the extent that you made this thread to figure out whether you are, I thought I'd figure it out for myself and look for a pic - looked for one in the INTJ picture thread but I didn't find one, so to put a plug in my newfound curiosity about what you look like I decided I am going to imagine you as the answer to the question of "what if harley quinn was a syrian refugee".

This presented all sort of problems, because Harley was very much a product of Gotham - so for her to be a Syrian refugee you'd have to imagine a syrian Gotham. That means commissioner Gordon likely works for the Assad regime, the Wayne family would be oil barons with soviet-age weapon smuggling on the side, Batman is probably a member of the Syrian intellectual elite which mostly means a commie with a side dish of nazi propaganda, and you'd pretty much have to assume that the Joker would be a terrorist (Alfred would still be British though, because he's Alfred). If the Joker is a terrorist, that would make Syrian refugee Harley an on-again / off-again schizo terrorist with deep ties into human trafficking who screams jihadist war cries in her on times and reads manuscripts about how the real enemies are the jewish elite in her off time. And I am jewish, so neither of those things bode well for me.

And yet, despite imagining that you look like a schizo jihadist terrorists with neonazi inclenations and hobbies involving human trafficking, my mind still reacts to this with thinking, I want to help. And that is not my usual reaction to schizo jihadist terrorists with neonazi inclenations and human trafficking hobbies. I can say with a high degree of confidence that I do not want to help with the sexual frustrations of the majority of the schizo jihadist terrorists with neonazi inclenations and human trafficking hobbies.. Not judging or anything, it's just not my usual demographic.

So yes, you probably are. I have no idea what you look like, but you have a sex appeal in addition to whatever you look like. That's a good thing, and it's not a common thing - the vast majority of schizo jihadist terrorists with neonazi inclenations and human trafficking hobbies don't have that thing.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,480 Posts
Discussion Starter · #39 ·
@Tropes I'm not really sure what to think, about your little narrative. :laughing: Thanks? I'm a sexy terrorist, wait what!? I appreciate the sentiment. You won't find any pics, because I have clients, & employees, in the real world, who don't need to know, my inner most thoughts. However, I gave a pretty good description of myself, but I don't think it was anywhere as exciting, as Harley Quinn. :wink:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
I work with the human body, my clients are mostly women and I rarely find one that's is happy and proud of the way she looks. When I tell the how beautiful they are, how firm her bum is, how nice her skin looks or how toned her body is, they never acknowledge it, they tent to replied with a very shy 'thank's' fallow by a clumsy explanation on why they are not pretty enough. On the other hand, my male clients, not that many, when I compliment something the glow with proud, say 'thank you' and most of them proceed to explain how did they achieve what ever I complimented. I want to see more females like that.
Good to read a woman posting this, some women are so dumb whenever a guys says what you say: something true (real life based, directly), and they tend to attack. I fully understand what you say and yes this is very common. Some women just hate themselves and live pretty unhappy lives, others act that way in order to push people into trying to give more compliments and make them feel good (it's a reverse fishing thing). The logic is quite interesting but unhealthy: someone who tells you good things based on bad things, imagine the reaction when good things are done.

A lot of times out in the open I've seen and interacted with women who attack other women because their appearance (usually big) and target their clothing stating "she shouldn't wear that she looks terrible". I usually prefer the woman they are attacking, just like David Lee Roth explained several times (Van Halen lead voice) -it's about confidence more than looking good-, those women have the confidence others just wish to have (and that's not just good, it's attractive to many men).

Also reminded me a thread on intjforum where I posted "can women really be happy?" stating how unhappy most women are (based on their own statements) and OMG the thread grew in contradictions and ended in flames, specially by aggressive comments from lots of women only to prove they are unhappy, it was hilarious but also something to worry about.
 
21 - 40 of 79 Posts
Top