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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm 41 years old, and I have had this problem my entire life and it's getting worse now because I am forced to live with my mom, which is one of the worst hells I can imagine (for me). When I was a teenager and trying to be my own person, my dad hindered me every step of the way. He told me what to do, when to do it, he even got me my first job (against my will). He was always telling me to "behave" and was waiting for me with a flashlight on me whenever I came home. I felt like I was being arrested every day! But I also thought 'maybe he's just doing his job, I do still live in his house, after all'. Well that didn't change once I grew older...

Whenever I'd get a new apartment or buy a house, he would act like he wasn't interested. He would grumble and barely say a word, he was just negative about everything. He would never come over to visit on his own, I had to force him and it only happened once in a few of my places, none at the others. He has said a few times that I should just live with my mom, like FOREVER! Yeah, like THAT'S healthy!!

My mom, when i was a teenager, would always go into my room and do stuff with my things, like she would organize stuff on my dresser, throw things away (that I wanted to keep!).

My dad got increasinging overbearing as I got older and now he is worse. He demands that I call him every few days, he has driven by every job I've had just to see if I'm there, and if i'm not, he will call my mom asking if she knows where I am. He did this as recently as 2 years ago!! He can't do it now because I got a job 800 miles away (you can guess why! lol) He also will call me if he sees me drive by his house (I can't help it sometimes, I have a good friend who lives a few houses down from him) and he'll give me a guilt trip for seeing her but not stopping to see him.

About 3 years ago, I got laid off from a good paying job and lost my apartment and had to move back in with my mom. It was one of the worst times of my life. I became depressed. She became TOTALLY smothering, as bad as my dad only in different ways. Like she will hover over me anytime i'm there, telling me things I already know, making random comments that I don't need to be told, hovering around me wherever I am thinking of things to say. It's like she's constantly trying to help me get through the day, I am perfectly capable of figuring out that I can split my laundry in half if there is too much for one load, I am perfectly capable of eating my own food (I always buy my own), I am perfectly capable of taking my car to get an oil change! I understand the need for mothers to help take care of their kids but NOT WHEN THEY ARE IN THEIR 40'S AND HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES FOR 2 DECADES!!

I am a VERY private introverted person, I hate living with people. I hate people knowing my business. I think this all stems from not having any privacy or independence in my life. Even when I lived on my own, my parents acted like I was a child. And now that I'm 41 years old, they are getting WORSE!! I dont know how anyone can possibly think a 41 year old can't get through life on their own! I work 800 miles away but I still have to come home on my breaks (every other month), I can't really get my own place right now because all the money I make is going towards paying off my car and saving up a savings, and also because since I'm gone for 6 or 7 weeks at a time, there would be no point in paying for a place I'm only in for a few days. It would get robbed when people realize no one is even there.

Every time I come home now, I dread it. I delay it as much as possible, i stay in hotels extra nights just so I have some privacy and can feel like an adult. When I get home, every single time stuff has been moved in my room. She will do my laundry, put my clothes away in different places, I have lost many items of clothing because she goes in there and moves stuff around and then can't remember where she saw it last! She goes through my books and movies and uses them and then puts them in different places so I can't find them! So right away every time I come home I am in a bad mood because of this. Then my dad will get mad if I don't call him. My dad has demanded that I spend a day with the family even though I'm only home for a few days and I have errands to run and business to take care of before heading back to work for 6 weeks. And it's OBVIOUS nobody enjoys our family days, my parents always argue, my dad will be negative and crabby to everyone, my 7 year old nephew doesn't even like being around my dad! I can't help but escape into my mind and talk only when I have to and I can't wait to get away from them. One time my dad and mom were arguing and he goes to me, "You're smart to get away from this family, thats probably why you took that job!" BINGO!! The other day he told me I should keep trying to find a job at home, I said "It took me 3 years to find this one, and I love it, I'm not quitting." He just HATES that I'm not closeby for him to monitor! He even used to force me to go to church, even as an adult. When I quit going, he got upset and always reminds me of how bad of a person I am. I don't even consider myself any religion anymore (maybe Wicca), but he just HATED the fact that when he and my mom got divorced, all of us quit going to church except him. He even told me one time "All I wanted is for everyone to keep going to church". How can you force other people to keep doing something as personal as practicing a religion? We are ALL adults, why would adults do what somebody else wants them to do just because they want them to do it? That's another subject though, just thought i'd add that in to show how controlling he is.

So has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? I know it sounds bad but I can't help but feel that I won't even be able to be a true adult until after they die. I moved away and it got worse, no matter where I go in the world, I will always have this issue with them. Or I should say, they will always have this issue with ME.

I guess there really IS no solutions then, I've tried moving away, I've tried telling my dad that I am indeed an adult, i've tried telling my mom not to mess with my stuff, I've tried telling her I don't need any help with things, I just feel like as long as they are alive I will always be treated like a child and I can't stand it!! This can't be good for me mentally or emotionally. I feel trapped by them. I often fantasize about being an orphan or waking up one day and finding that i'm the only person left on the Earth (to me that would be pretty close to heaven, since I am an introvert and need my privacy). So I just don't know what to do or if anything else CAN be done. Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this! Thanks!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I am actually at work for 6 weeks at a time. I work at a lodge where the oil workers stay, there isn't much housing here for the massive amount of workers that came into this area because of the oil, so the company I work for builds temporary housing for them. I work in the kitchen so i'm not literally out in the oil fields.
 

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Maid of Time
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I'm 44 and it sounds like hell. I can't imagine living with my parents and their own brand of crazy at this point.

But I'm not sure what to tell you. It sounds like to truly get away from them, you would need to completely break off all contact and not respond to anything. I also would be asking myself whether I had any other option in the world (including living in the street) versus going back to live with my mother, if I had to deal with that. Friends? Contacts? etc?

Thailand is a pretty cheap place to live.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm 44 and it sounds like hell. I can't imagine living with my parents and their own brand of crazy at this point.

But I'm not sure what to tell you. It sounds like to truly get away from them, you would need to completely break off all contact and not respond to anything. I also would be asking myself whether I had any other option in the world (including living in the street) versus going back to live with my mother, if I had to deal with that. Friends? Contacts? etc?

Thailand is a pretty cheap place to live.
Well since all my stuff is at my mom's, that's pretty much where I have to go back to. I don't want to pay for storage when it's all already there for free. None of my friends have room for me, one is living in a friend's sister's house temporarily and one is in a small apartment with her 2 sons and another runs a foster home that is already maxed to capacity. I have been trying to buy an RV and tow that behind my SUV but I found out it doesn't tow as much as I thought so it's pretty much useless for doing that with. Hotels get expensive too. I can't live on the streets, it's the midwest, winters here get -40 sometimes.
 

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Maid of Time
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Well since all my stuff is at my mom's, that's pretty much where I have to go back to. I don't want to pay for storage when it's all already there for free. None of my friends have room for me, one is living in a friend's sister's house temporarily and one is in a small apartment with her 2 sons and another runs a foster home that is already maxed to capacity. I have been trying to buy an RV and tow that behind my SUV but I found out it doesn't tow as much as I thought so it's pretty much useless for doing that with. Hotels get expensive too. I can't live on the streets, it's the midwest, winters here get -40 sometimes.
I know. It sucks like you're in a sucky situation that is not going to change unless you take drastic measures. Very drastic. Finding yet different work, moving to another area of the country or even the world, cutting off all contact (no family days, no contact, no nothing).

Right now, it sounds like living with your mom for you is still the lesser of the evils, or you'd be taking some of these more drastic measures. If that's the case, then it sounds like you somewhat need to learn how to deal with her shenanigans and the issues with your family.

what does your mom do when she is not with you? I know you hate it when she hovers and is constantly trying to take care of you (and I hate that kind of thing too -- my mom used to do that until I was about 30 and really had to lock her out of my life for awhile, until I was my own person). BUt it sounds like on some level she cares and this is how she shows it, although it drives you batty. With my mom, it helped when she got used to the idea that my sister and I were both adults, and then she found other things to do with her time, so she no longer needed to try to take care of us in order to find validation in life. Is your mom in a situation where she has other ways to find fulfillment other than looking after you? Or other relationships where she can have meaningful interaction with people aside from you? If not, maybe that is a reason why she is so eager to hover about.
 

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Ok, I'm just really confused about this whole situation. So where do you live when you're at work and why can't you live there on your breaks also? How long are your breaks? Also, wouldn't it make more sense to stay somewhere near your job on your breaks so you don't have to spend the money on plane tickets to visit your parents?

If other people at your job are in the same situation of having to move back with their parents on breaks, or not having anywhere to go, could you maybe find some sort of group solution to this with them?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Finding yet different work, moving to another area of the country or even the world, cutting off all contact (no family days, no contact, no nothing).
Well I think drastic measures seem almost cruel...I mean is it any reason to cut off all contact with my mom just because she needs to baby me? It isn't like my parents hit me or deserted me or stole my money or did anything like that. If they did, it would be so much easier, I would have left them in my 20's. But the way they are I don't think merits having their children cut them out of their lives.

Right now, it sounds like living with your mom for you is still the lesser of the evils, or you'd be taking some of these more drastic measures. If that's the case, then it sounds like you somewhat need to learn how to deal with her shenanigans and the issues with your family.
Lesser of the evils is right!! But it still doesn't seem like a good choice, I mean obviously not, since I am unhappy no matter what option I choose.

what does your mom do when she is not with you? I know you hate it when she hovers and is constantly trying to take care of you (and I hate that kind of thing too -- my mom used to do that until I was about 30 and really had to lock her out of my life for awhile, until I was my own person). BUt it sounds like on some level she cares and this is how she shows it, although it drives you batty. With my mom, it helped when she got used to the idea that my sister and I were both adults, and then she found other things to do with her time, so she no longer needed to try to take care of us in order to find validation in life. Is your mom in a situation where she has other ways to find fulfillment other than looking after you? Or other relationships where she can have meaningful interaction with people aside from you? If not, maybe that is a reason why she is so eager to hover about.
She left my dad over 20 years ago and has been mostly single all those years except for one boyfriend she had like 10 years ago. She wants to find someone else but she never gets out. All she does is watch tv and do stuff out in the yard in the summer. I have a brother who is there every day working on his cars (he has like a tool shop in the shed and he keeps all his cars there and works on them), and he has a son who is 7 who comes over with him so my mom will babysit him and play with him a lot. She has 2 friends that I know of and sometimes she goes shopping with them but that's rare, like once every few months. She has a lot of sisters so she sees them too. My dad has a long term girlfriend but he doesn't like to do things, all he does is watch tv. He has had bad health in the last 2 years though but even before that, he is very lazy and doesn't want to take vacations or leave town, really. He hates when I leave town just for a few hours! My parents are both very much homebodies and I'm the opposite. I love to take vacations and be away from home as much as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Ok, I'm just really confused about this whole situation. So where do you live when you're at work and why can't you live there on your breaks also? How long are your breaks? Also, wouldn't it make more sense to stay somewhere near your job on your breaks so you don't have to spend the money on plane tickets to visit your parents?
I don't fly, I drive. It's just one state over, like a 10 hour drive. I live at my job when i'm there, we have trailers where we each get a bedroom. I can't stay there through my breaks because of many reasons, the main one being I only have a tiny bedroom there, so I can't keep all my stuff there. There is only enough room for like 3 outfits in the little closet we have. So I come home to get different clothes and a few different books and movies each time. I also need to go there to get my mail, we can't get mail at work. I need to technically live there for tax purposes and because you need an address. I have thought about getting a place closer to where I live but it would be the same issue, it would be empty for 6 weeks at a time and my mail would pile up and people would know i'm gone and it would probably get broken into. I was looking at mobile homes last week and got excited because i found a few I could afford and 2 of my friends both warned me not to do that because they used to live in trailer parks and kids always broke into the ones where the owners weren't home very often. And an apartment around the area where my job is would be at least $1500 a month which is insane, that's half my monthly income. Most of the reason why i took this job was to pay off my car and save up money but i'd never be able to do that if I was paying for an apartment, especially one in that area where they are so high because of high demand and lack of housing for all the workers that came in here.

If other people at your job are in the same situation of having to move back with their parents on breaks, or not having anywhere to go, could you maybe find some sort of group solution to this with them?
There is one guy who is living with his parents but it's only temporary, he's got an apartment lined up with his 2 brothers. I don't know anyone to get an apartment with, all my friends already have houses (remember my age LOL it's hard to find friends who are single and free like I am).
 

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If other people at your job are in the same situation of having to move back with their parents on breaks, or not having anywhere to go, could you maybe find some sort of group solution to this with them?
From everything I've read so far, that's the best sounding advice. Find someone in the oil biz that is having similar issues or just wants to split a place with someone else. See if you could find someone working the opposite shift as you who wants to split an apartment. That way it's like you each have your own place when the other person is gone on their month/6 week job.

Also... not sure if you would consider something like this, but sometimes you can find a cheap "Park model" recreational home in a camping area. They are like little mobile homes, often with electrical and sewer hook up. The "catch" with them is that you can't live there full time. You have a maximum amount of time you can stay, which is often MUCH more than you would ever be using since you are gone for so long while in your camp.

To find one, look in your area's Craigs List for "Park Model" under RV's.

If you find one, it would be a flat out purchase and the monthly land rent is often very inexpensive (compared to having a home, etc...)



-ZDD
 

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Maid of Time
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Well I think drastic measures seem almost cruel...I mean is it any reason to cut off all contact with my mom just because she needs to baby me? It isn't like my parents hit me or deserted me or stole my money or did anything like that. If they did, it would be so much easier, I would have left them in my 20's. But the way they are I don't think merits having their children cut them out of their lives.
Exactly. Then it does sound like you've made the decision to stay involved, which is important to note consciously. It's just hard, because you have no control over your parents and how they treat you. So if you stay, you will end up having to figure out ways to deal with their behavior; you probably won't be able to stop it.

Lesser of the evils is right!! But it still doesn't seem like a good choice, I mean obviously not, since I am unhappy no matter what option I choose.
Honestly, I would not be sure what to do either. Neither route is preferable/happy, as you said. But maybe if you can change your mindset on how you view your mom (one parent at a time, and she's the one you're living with), maybe it can help you accept her a little more and thus she won't annoy you as much...?

She left my dad over 20 years ago and has been mostly single all those years except for one boyfriend she had like 10 years ago. She wants to find someone else but she never gets out.
Why did she end up leaving him? You don't have to share personal stuff, but were there extenuating circumstances or did she just realize she needed to take care of herself? Was there any amount of courage in that decision by her -- something you can connect with?

All she does is watch tv and do stuff out in the yard in the summer. I have a brother who is there every day working on his cars (he has like a tool shop in the shed and he keeps all his cars there and works on them), and he has a son who is 7 who comes over with him so my mom will babysit him and play with him a lot. She has 2 friends that I know of and sometimes she goes shopping with them but that's rare, like once every few months. She has a lot of sisters so she sees them too.
That's good at least that she's getting out with some people, although it sounds like she is mostly just sticking to family and the "safe areas" that she knows well.

My dad has a long term girlfriend but he doesn't like to do things, all he does is watch tv. He has had bad health in the last 2 years though but even before that, he is very lazy and doesn't want to take vacations or leave town, really. He hates when I leave town just for a few hours! My parents are both very much homebodies and I'm the opposite. I love to take vacations and be away from home as much as possible.
They both do sound like they like to have a safe protected environment to stay in, and then expect you to stay in it with them. Which isn't really fair to you. How much of that could you say to either one of them?

I mean, I'll just be clear -- I don't know what you should do, I'm just asking questions to see if something gets brought up that might be helpful to you in figuring out how to cope with them, since I can tell it's frustrating. My mom got much saner in her middle age, which helped me immensely.
 
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you have the right to protect yourself emotionally, this is your time now. Emotional black mail only prevents you being in your flow. I hope you can find your true path where you can breathe and feel the bliss
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
From everything I've read so far, that's the best sounding advice. Find someone in the oil biz that is having similar issues or just wants to split a place with someone else. See if you could find someone working the opposite shift as you who wants to split an apartment. That way it's like you each have your own place when the other person is gone on their month/6 week job.
Well like I said, I only know one person in a similar situation as me and he already has people to get an apartment with. Everyone else already has a house in another state. But we don't need a place to stay while we're working, only when we're home, so it wouldn't matter what shift they worked, when you're off, you're off all the time. But yeah, there's nobody else I can do this with anyway.

Also... not sure if you would consider something like this, but sometimes you can find a cheap "Park model" recreational home in a camping area. They are like little mobile homes, often with electrical and sewer hook up. The "catch" with them is that you can't live there full time. You have a maximum amount of time you can stay, which is often MUCH more than you would ever be using since you are gone for so long while in your camp.
Oh these are in campgrounds? I've never even heard of that! I will check that out, thanks!

If you find one, it would be a flat out purchase and the monthly land rent is often very inexpensive (compared to having a home, etc...)



-ZDD
I have already checked into living in an RV park but not in a campground. Although i'd still be worried that it would get broken into when people realize no one is living there for such a long period of time. It's a regular pattern too so people would know my schedule, so that would kinda scare me. Plus my mail would pile up, at least at my mom's, she can bring my mail in for me. Actually...can you even get mail at a campground?
 

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I don't fly, I drive. It's just one state over, like a 10 hour drive. I live at my job when i'm there, we have trailers where we each get a bedroom. I can't stay there through my breaks because of many reasons, the main one being I only have a tiny bedroom there, so I can't keep all my stuff there. There is only enough room for like 3 outfits in the little closet we have. So I come home to get different clothes and a few different books and movies each time. I also need to go there to get my mail, we can't get mail at work. I need to technically live there for tax purposes and because you need an address. I have thought about getting a place closer to where I live but it would be the same issue, it would be empty for 6 weeks at a time and my mail would pile up and people would know i'm gone and it would probably get broken into. I was looking at mobile homes last week and got excited because i found a few I could afford and 2 of my friends both warned me not to do that because they used to live in trailer parks and kids always broke into the ones where the owners weren't home very often. And an apartment around the area where my job is would be at least $1500 a month which is insane, that's half my monthly income. Most of the reason why i took this job was to pay off my car and save up money but i'd never be able to do that if I was paying for an apartment, especially one in that area where they are so high because of high demand and lack of housing for all the workers that came in here.
You could get a PO Box for mail; I don't think that's particularly expensive. And a storage unit for your stuff. Even if there isn't a post office and a storage facility aren't close by, you could have them in the nearest town to where you live and visit that on your breaks to get stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Exactly. Then it does sound like you've made the decision to stay involved, which is important to note consciously. It's just hard, because you have no control over your parents and how they treat you. So if you stay, you will end up having to figure out ways to deal with their behavior; you probably won't be able to stop it.
While it is true I have "made the decision" to stay involved, I am doing it more out of necessity and because I am too nice of a person to cut people out of my life. I am so loyal that I will actually stay friends with someone for decades even though I don't really enjoy hanging out with them. I feel bad, and how do you explain that to someone, that they just don't feel right in your life anymore? So yeah doing that to my parents would definately be impossible since I can't even do it with friends! Actually the more I think about this "decision", it's not even a decision really but rather a lack of one. It's just the default, and since I can't decide what to do about it, it stays the way it was by default. So I don't feel like I chose this, because there is no better option to choose.

Honestly, I would not be sure what to do either. Neither route is preferable/happy, as you said. But maybe if you can change your mindset on how you view your mom (one parent at a time, and she's the one you're living with), maybe it can help you accept her a little more and thus she won't annoy you as much...?
I wish this was easy to do! I've tried. I've even gone so far as to imagine my parents being killed or dying, then I feel sad of course but then it isn't long before one of them upsets me and I just can't keep feeling sad when I'm irritated or angry.

Why did she end up leaving him? You don't have to share personal stuff, but were there extenuating circumstances or did she just realize she needed to take care of herself? Was there any amount of courage in that decision by her -- something you can connect with?
I am not sure why they broke up, we never talked about it. It wasn't even until a few decades later that she told me why she left my dad! (oh wait, did you mean my dad, when you asked this question? LOL)...She left my dad because of how he is, he is just a controlling negative judgemental condescending belittling person. He made my mom feel like shit, just like he makes me and my brother feel like shit, that's why we avoid him as much as possible. He is verbally abusive, like he'll tell us we are worthless and stupid and we're not doing something right, etc. One time I actually said to him "I'm a great kid, I've never done drugs, or been in trouble with the law..." and he cut me off with "Don't you remember that time in high school when you skipped religion class?!" Dear lord...yes I did forget and leave it to him to remind me of that!!

They both do sound like they like to have a safe protected environment to stay in, and then expect you to stay in it with them. Which isn't really fair to you. How much of that could you say to either one of them?
I have told them this, it doesn't matter to them how I feel or what I think. One time I went to California with a friend and when I came back I was so excited to tell them about it and show them my pictures, I told them we have to all go there sometime, I wanted to go back so bad and I wanted them to see the ocean and Hollywood and stuff, I even said we should move there...my dad barely wanted to see my pictures, he said "That's the kind of place you can visit, but you don't want to live there." How can he tell ME what I don't want?! That reminds me of the time I told him I wanted to try stormchasing, he looked at me like I was crazy and asked me why and I said "I love storms!" and he walked away all crabby and said "Nobody likes storms!" Yeah ok whatever. He feels like nobody can like things that he doesn't like. Whenever me or my brother goes on a vacation or even drives a few hours away for something, he gets all upset and says, "Why do you have to go there?!" and just bitches about it for the next hour.

I mean, I'll just be clear -- I don't know what you should do, I'm just asking questions to see if something gets brought up that might be helpful to you in figuring out how to cope with them, since I can tell it's frustrating. My mom got much saner in her middle age, which helped me immensely.
Thanks for trying to help! :) Maybe something will come up, like in therapy, sometimes it takes years until something clicks! LOL I'm glad your mom got more sane, that's actually backwards! lol But awesome! Maybe she just finally realized you are an adult.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You could get a PO Box for mail; I don't think that's particularly expensive. And a storage unit for your stuff. Even if there isn't a post office and a storage facility aren't close by, you could have them in the nearest town to where you live and visit that on your breaks to get stuff.
But then where would I live? There's still that issue!
 

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Granted that it is within financial means: rent an appartment and get a roommate that you can live with without going nuts and whom you can trust to take care of the mail and not trash the place while you are away. Alternatively you could find out about people in your area looking for roommates. Having a roomie isn't ideal for a person who values privacy, but it doesn't have to be as much of a burden as you might fear.

Obviously it will cost more than living rent-free at your mother's place but from everything you've written it might be imperative that you don't live with her in order to maintain some sort of friendly relationship with her. So if living with her is too much for you to deal with then you need to scrap it off your list of options.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Granted that it is within financial means: rent an appartment and get a roommate that you can live with without going nuts and whom you can trust to take care of the mail and not trash the place while you are away. Alternatively you could find out about people in your area looking for roommates. Having a roomie isn't ideal for a person who values privacy, but it doesn't have to be as much of a burden as you might fear.

Obviously it will cost more than living rent-free at your mother's place but from everything you've written it might be imperative that you don't live with her in order to maintain some sort of friendly relationship with her. So if living with her is too much for you to deal with then you need to scrap it off your list of options.
I thought of this too, I don't know anyone already who I could live with so my only option would be to find a stranger, and that idea doesn't appeal to me at all. I wouldn't know them AT ALL, and i'd be trusting them to "take care" of my mail and my stuff for 6 weeks at a time? That just sounds too risky to me.
 
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