As for how can you tell--- well, I'm always miss- typing INTJ's as ENFJ's. I also talked to an ISTJ woman over in their thread, and she done the same thing.
I can tell you how
I seem IRL but can't speak for the rest of us. I think a lot of the qualities in our description are not necessarily on my shirt sleeve for the world to see. All of the warm thoughts and empathy is inside me. I do want the best for the whole world. Of course, that's my version of what is best. So when I first meet a new group of people in a boundaried situation, I likely hold my cards close to the vest or act in a guarded manner--- or at least I think I do. I am being cautious. I may even be shy and hesitant to talk. *So you might not label someone as "not ENFJ" immediately based on shyness or aloofness.
That being said, I can sometimes be guilty of opening up to people too soon in non-boundary situations. In my case, I've had quite the bundle of bad luck this year (several loved ones dying in unexpected ways, E.R. with mom on Christmas day, major surgery on my birthday, etc). So sometimes, I may be prone to sharing this news with strangers on an internet forum or with people I just met--- since I moved by myself across the country for a job less than a year ago, there are a lot of people I just met. *So sharing of personal information soon might be a sign. Then again, it's possible that it just may feel to me like I am sharing too much--- we do have that tendency to blame ourselves. It's hard to know.
Other times, like most ENFJ's, I probably give a lot of my time to others. Look for that--- someone who is constantly giving up themselves for everyone else. I may be smiling at everyone and listening really well. You will see me in teaching roles. In those roles "the last is the first" phenomenon does apply to me. I make sure to make eye contact with everyone and to try to call on everyone. I listen. But I have to work to make sure that the person who is asking me a question now does not lose his or her turn to the next person who also wants my attention. I have a tendency to make time for everyone. My office is always full of people who are wanting my help. I'll give up my weekend to coach students and to answer their emails. *So you might look to see whether the person is often making time to help people.
In a lecture by someone else, I am one to raise my hands and ask a few questions/make some observations.
Sometimes I have to work not to take over the group as though I have been elected the leader or the boss when I am not the person in charge of the group. I have to remind myself that I not necessarily always "the one who is here to teach you all."
When someone asks me for advice for something, like say, "how do you identify an ENFJ," I am going to go into everything that I think could possibly be helpful. *I wonder whether that might be a way of informally testing someone for ENFJ irl. Ask them a question--- ask for advice about something in their expertise--- particularly something to do with human relationships. If they try to be extremely helpful, then it's possible that might be a sign of ENFJ.
Fastidiousness--- I am a very J,ENFJ. It's not that I never get messy, and organizing papers is my biggest area of mess. But my decor is very specifically chosen, and everything has its own specific place where it belongs--- and that place makes logical sense-- at least to me. If I am going out of town, I typically have to clean the whole place before I leave. When I had my surgery, I organized the area where I would be recuperating at home. I set out the pail, the pills, wipes, a towel, bottles of water, the remote, changes of clothes, etc. I'll shell out money for something like a roomba to make sure my place is clean. If I am going on a big trip, I will sometimes plan months in advance and do a color-coded tabbed travel notebook. Since my schedule has become more hectic and since we have iphones, I have not done that in recent years. I have eaten the same shake for breakfast nearly every day for ten years. Most of my clothes are the same three colors and are mostly solid. *So planning, cleanliness, and possibly even a fastidious appearance could be a sign of a very J ENFJ.
A few times a semester I will tell an "inspirational" story to my students where I share something that happened in my own life. The personal details are included only insofar as they enhance the story, and my own short-comings may be mentioned. I try not to make it into "look at what a hero I am," but I do think that might be one of the failings I have to be careful of. Afterwards, I get the flood of responses from students thanking me for sharing and saying how it inspired them. *So look out for someone who tells inspirational stories that may include themselves. But be aware that it will be only once or twice in a year period. MM is right--- I get scared to share myself on account of the whole sensitivity thing.
As for what we find attractive, if you spend any time here, you will see that we vary a lot from one another and are each attracted to different types. INFP is a frequently nominated type though. I personally love Edward Scissorhands in theory too.
In my case, I am attracted to people who show empathy. By showing empathy, I mean that they hear and echo what I am saying with active listening and they try to understand things from my point of view. I have had a friend who said that she did feel empathic towards me when she was telling me that I was totally wrong about something--- she may have cared about me--- but to me, that was not empathy. She was not trying to understand where I was coming from. For me, that's a leaping off point that I need first before I can change. The people who are my closest friends always give me empathy. Those closest friends are two ENFJ's and one INFJ. I do have some INFP friends too. I think they empathize with me. The only thing is that they don't verbalize it as much and aren't as verbally available. So I love them, but I do not feel I can turn to them quite as much. But other ENFJ's say that it's a match made in Heaven, so I do not think you can go by what ENFJ's vote on--- it's what your ENFJ wants in a partner.
PS, King of Dreams, you look like an ENFP.
I have some ENFP friends and family who are dear to my heart.
Good luck!
