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I've always thought of INFPs as softy, bottle it up and walk away types but my mother, who has tested as infp consistently over the years, has a RIDICULOUS temper. For example:

Today, she texts me asking if I want to take the dog swimming at the beach. "ok, sure" I say.

So, we go to the beach, she throws a tennis ball for the dog to swim after, dog gets in the water and immediately takes a shit. This is an empty beach, no one saw, who cares, right? He's a dog, he had to shit. She starts practically screaming at the dog, cursing "GodDAMMIT we JUST GOT HERE! You STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!" She "shoves" the dog with her foot. Dog doesn't give a shit, he's wandering around smelling stuff, peeing, whatever. "Get the ball, asshole! God you're so STUPID." The water is salty, dog doesnt like the taste of the ball so he doesn't want to get it. She's sitting off to the side, pouting with her arms crossed. "God we came all the way out here and now we have to go home. Never again will I do this, never again" I'm like "Dude, why are you freaking out, he's a fucking dog. It's a goddamn tennis ball, who cares?"

So we stay for another few minutes and she's making it clear she wants to leave. I don't care, I barely wanted to go to begin with.

Back home, I decide to make some food. I decide to make my portion of the meal in a specific way that differs from hers because she doesn't like new and weird food items on her food.

She notices I didn't add the other ingredient to her portion. "What the fuck, why didn't you add it to mine?" "Because everytime I make you food you bitch about the stuff I add to it. Literally everytime." "UGH!" she starts slamming shit around, goes into her room and slams the door. I'm thinking, "Oh, great. Now she's going to act like a fucking psycho at me." I go to another room.

She starts messaging me on facebook. Here's the actual conversation:

Her:

View attachment 649706
This is how you treat me

Me:
because I didnt put chicken on your side of the nacho and you started huffing and puffing about it? okay.

Her:
How many times have you talked to me like I'm a piece of shit then you say you were joking...I'm too sensitive? This has nothing to do with the nacho. You were just a straight up bitch about that.

Me:
about what???? what did i say to make you feel like shit? exactly what did I say that was wrong
have i ever called you stupid? ugly?
do i ever curse at you and call you a bitch?
no

Her:
Doesn't matter what I say, you will NEVER admit or think that anything you have ever said to me is wrong. What would you do if I told you that you can't live with me anymore?
I feed you, clothe you, shelter you...literally every single thing and yet you're incapable of being nice or respectful or the least bit thankful.
You make me feel like shit.


Me:
You have been in a ridiculous mood since you came home. flipping out and ***kicking*** the dog because he shit in the water, and then flipping out because I didn't put fucking chicken on your side of the nacho because you ALWAY BITCH AT ME WHEN I DONT MAKE THE FOOD RIGHT.
Like what did i do wrong here
You make yourself feel like shit.
Im not doing this with you, take your anger out on someone else.


Her;
I think it's time to put a date on when you're moving out.
six months is more than enough time, don't you think?
I'm an awful bitch, you should probably go.
September 1st.
We can't live together.


What I want to say is: YOU'RE A GODDAMN PSYCHO BITCH FROM HELL AND I WISH YOU WOULD FUCKING CROAK ALREADY.

But of course, I would never say that. But she baits me. Shewants to argue with me. Anytime she's in a bad mood, she flips out about some inane bullshit and tells me that I'm the piece of shit.

What the fuck is really going on here? Am I the crazy one? I didn't do anything wrong. One day she's super nice and wants to help me out, and other days she absolutely goes insane at me for the smallest shit.

She's the most passive aggressive person I've ever met. She enjoys reminding me that she could throw me on the street whenever she wants because I'm not on the lease. As soon as she's done acting psycho, she walks around all smug like "haha, you feel bad now, hmm hmm hmm"

I understand this is one side, but does anything here jump out at you? I have never had to deal with an adult who acts like this ever in my life and I dont know what her problem is. I get along with most people fine. And yes, I generally loathe her everyday of my life but it's not for no reason.
 

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I can't say that's an infp thing. Or any type really.
She appears to be manipulative ("I feed you, clothe you etc." and that she wants you to leave if she doesn't receive respect) so it seems like she's got some other issues going on. Is she recently under a lot of stress? If something happened then I might explode on people. But that only happens if I've bottled things up for a very long period of time. Honeslty, it might not even be you that is the issue but the whole dog and nacho thing could just be the single event that really triggered an outburst even though it isnt the underlying issue. It's like one thing happened and it had this negative domino effect.
Is this a common thing for her or is this uncharacteristic for her? If she's an infp then she's probably unhealthy.

Not much else I can offer. But I am interested in other responses about it
Hope the situation improves for you and her! Maybe calmly talking in person where you both talk about how you feel and offer to listen and try to understand why she feels a certain way (and she should do the same for you too) might help.
 

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Edgelord
INFP 5w4 - ILI - Chaotic Good
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Your mom seems more like an unhealthy ESxJ (reminds me a bit of my ESFJ mom)

But... admittely, I do have an explosive temper, but it manifests as not wanting anyone to talk to me.
 

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I am quite temperamental but not in the way you describe. I am described as being almost excessively patient, even as people will say I have a bad temper. I would never lose my temper with an animal that way. I am regarded as gentle with animals and children.
I have worked with kids, including those with special needs, and you must be very patient and gentle.
People also say I am very understanding. I accept a lot of flaws in people and don't get angry when they make honest mistakes.

When I blow my top it often boils down to
- a value of mine has been violated, especially after I have asserted a boundary repeatedly and the person fails to respect it
- related to the above, my personal space is invaded and/or people try to control me, especially when they use underhanded methods like trying to ostracize you socially if you don't conform to their wishes
- being misunderstood & portrayed in a way which maligns me, especially when someone insists I have an attitude or feeling or intent when I am directly telling them that I do not; not being given any benefit of the doubt
- connected to all of the above, having my perspective & needs invalidated, often because someone just doesn't understand them and they don't even want to try; someone totally disregarding my feelings when they are supposed to be a friend or someone who claims to care about it

I can also be argumentative in intellectual debates, but I may experience it as stimulated, not angry. People who are uncomfortable with debating may see me as angry though, and I can suddenly turn angry if they don't keep it to the debate and start throwing low blows. Most of the time, this comes out of frustration at the person making it personal instead of being able to try and follow a different line of reasoning.
 

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I call my dog stupid all the time. Amongst other things of course.

Why is chicken 'new and weird' food?
 
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Discussion Starter #6
I call my dog stupid all the time. Amongst other things of course.

Why is chicken 'new and weird' food?
its vegetarian chicken substitute. and it's not new and weird, she just doesn't like to experiment with food and every time gives me hell when I don't make things the way she expected it to be made. I'm convinced that if I had put it on she would've bitched just the same. No win situation.
 

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I have a temper and only thrice in my entire life that i became explosive. I guess my patience reached its limit. Infp usually just bottle things inside, and as with any bottle, if it's already full, it will either leak out (temper) or explode.


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Can't relate.
It's hard to read too much into this situation as clearly there's waaaaay more history to how you and her got to this position than what's been said in this thread.
All i know is there's plenty of resentment fueling this. When hurt I have said things deliberately in order to hurt back, but not like that, and it never burst out that quickly. I also never take out my anger on people or things that aren't the cause of said anger.
Seems childish to me.
 

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I certainly have a temper, but I wouldn't exactly call it 'explosive'. I'd call myself irascible.

I get mad at inanimate objects mostly however, not really at animals or people.
I'm verbally abusive toward my computer. I'm sure neighbors who overhear me when I'm trying to format something in Word or Excel feel extremely sorry for my husband: "You idiot! Why can't you do a simple thing I tell you too! Why did you change this! Did I ask you to change this??" etc.

I do have a pretty explosive temper with people, but only when I'm really at the end of my rope with someone. Usually, it's just a few sharp words and then I'm back to normal, but it shocks people because it's so different from my usual easy-going manner.
 

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I'm verbally abusive toward my computer. I'm sure neighbors who overhear me when I'm trying to format something in Word or Excel feel extremely sorry for my husband: "You idiot! Why can't you do a simple thing I tell you too! Why did you change this! Did I ask you to change this??" etc.

I do have a pretty explosive temper with people, but only when I'm really at the end of my rope with someone. Usually, it's just a few sharp words and then I'm back to normal, but it shocks people because it's so different from my usual easy-going manner.
My worst explosive anger was when i was 2nd or 3rd year high-school when I was reviewing for exams and my cousin accused me of stealing her wallet. I told her many times i didn't (cos I really didn't) and she won't stop. I really really got angry and lashed out sharp words while crying and throwing the typewriter's hood (it was heavy but for some reason I threw it like a paper. Maybe I was that angry) and she had the nerve to come near me, so i grabbed her shirt and it tore (maybe the force). My mom was soooooo surprised she never saw me that angry and violent. She had to step in and separated me from my cousin. That was the only time i got violent.

I never spoke to her after that incident.
Well after a few days she apologized shyly. She saw her wallet it was burried deep in her cabinet!!! I forgave her but i couldnt forget that incident.


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My INFP dad has a pretty bad temper. It's not as bad as it used to be, but sometimes he'll just lose it without thinking about it. I think your mom might have other things going on besides being an INFP... it sounds like she's really manipulative.
 

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Wow. That sounds like an Axis II disorder which, ironically, is a personality disorder, but doesn't have anything to do with theories of personality like MBTi, Socionics, Enneagram, etc...

Check out Axis II disorders and that will go much further to explain why she acts this way.

There's also this thing with Axis II disorders - they have very little awareness of their core self, so she would be more likely to answer a Myers Briggs test the way she wants to be perceived.

I just want to also add that not all people with Axis II disorders are this dysfunctional because I don't want anyone at all to think that I'm generalizing the people who suffer from this.
 

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Ah man this sounds exactly like my mother, but instead of threatening to kick me out, she threatens to call the cops. (Well I'm african american so seeing unfair justice in the justice system nowadays generally makes people on edge (not for me at least) She uses this as a leverage to threaten me in situations, because literally she could lie about a situation to the police and make it sound like I committed a crime, and poof I'm gone. I also just turned 18, so that also doesn't help either. She has done it before but I fled the scene to avoid the trouble.)

If I had to give some advice to you, it's to try to stay away from her as far as possible. I know this hard considering you two live together but if it means staying in another room all day or leaving the house for extended periods of time do it.

I think you hit the nail on the head when she says that she "baits" you, people like that will always take the opportunity of starting an argument just for sake of it. Most of the time though, at least in my experience, my mother starts these arguments as a means of relieving stress she might have, because these people thrive in chaos. Their whole validation for themselves are created in the chaos they bring, because they are so masterful at manipulating people that any opportunity to justify their position (their self) they take wholeheartedly. In other words, its a means of keeping themselves sane, as a reminder to say that they themselves are not the problem but rather the people around them. And when this fragile, fake reality of theirs is broken, they will take everybody down with them in a last attempt to justify that they are not the problem.

I don't think this is something an INFP exhibits, I do have an explosive temper, but that temper can only be seen in situations in which my mother has crossed my boundaries. In fact, I rarely if ever do get upset with people to a certain point. I think more than anything I will get annoyed or extremely agitated, but never ferociously angry. It's because these people have not known you long enough to know exactly where your boundaries lie, so in the event that they do cross it I give them the benefit of the doubt. No use getting upset at someone who doesn't know what exactly made you upset.

Also, another piece of advice, as much as it is silly, do not make yourself believe you are crazy. I made the mistake at a very early age of listening to my mother because I thought I was the problem and needed to change, just to end up depressed and on the verge of suicide because I couldn't fulfill her impossible demands (also a combination of other things she indirectly caused).

And the most important piece of advice I can give is to you is just ignore her. (as easy as it sounds). Like I said, people like that thrive for attention and chaos. Not giving her an excuse to behave this way is the only thing I could probably say is effective. It very much means that your mother is a narcissist.

I hoped that helped, for I am in a very similar situation as well.
 

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@_Ionic

My INFP dad has a pretty bad temper. It's not as bad as it used to be, but sometimes he'll just lose it without thinking about it. I think your mom might have other things going on besides being an INFP... it sounds like she's really manipulative.
Mine is similar but worse in some aspects, can't well whether she is an unhealthy INFx or ESxJ.

Raised me in a very outdated way(You won't believe it) with some even Feudalistic or so outdated social values/views. Tried and still tries to micromanage every 'major' aspect of my life and choices. Peeks at my text messages and sometimes writes down my contacts. Attempted to impersonate me once in text messaging when a friend contacted me. Taught me it was normal, no concept of personal belongings because "I paid for this home you live in" and doesn't allow me to set a phone password because "I payed for your phone, it's my property. I can do what I want with it."

Punished me severely for the accidents/mistakes half the time physically when I was little which sometimes included pulling my hair. Now yells at me or does it psychologically/emotionally when it happens. Often following firstly by loudly + sobbingly screaming "Why are you as my son doing this to your parent?! So heartless." with threats to evict or leave me to the financial issues affecting my city or country when I kept resisting and arguing back at her attempts to regulate me?

Thing is I forgave them for whatever happened before each time they showed their caring/compassionate side which convinced me they still have some good character then everything goes back to normal until somehow the process repeats again over something else?

Other examples: "Without me you would be dead." Also tries to regulate who I interact with irl and told me their desire to also regulate someday 'whoever I am going to settle down with' should that situation or person ever come up someday. "I am going to check them out when that time comes, you must bring them to me" in which I suppose they would use my financial instability to give themselves the authority of saying yes or no in that.

Also they try to decide my career path.

I would most likely never try to hit a dog, they are such loving and pure beings. But I have maybe somewhat of a powerful rage that will come out if I am faced with a great injustice or pushed off the edge somehow.
 

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My brother's an INFP and he's overall a very gentle soul. Sure I've seen him mad, but not unnecessarily so, and he gets over it quickly. He's definitely more of a bottler. Just don't ever use all the hot water though...oh man.
 

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Hmm I don't think this is an INFP thing, I can't really relate to your mom.

In real life, I can easily be mistaken for a thinker as I tend to appear quite unemotional on the outside. I often bottle up my emotions rather than expressing it.

If I'm feeling mad at a person, I'm more inclined to just avoid being around the person until I'm no longer mad at them. I supposed this is my way of calming down myself, I didn't want to do or say anything rash that I might end up regretting lately. Once I have managed to calm myself down and I'm no longer mad at the person, then I'll start talking to the person again.

I don't really try to "bait" people's emotions like the way your mom does. That's a rather shitty way of treating people you care about.
 

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Hmm, I'm a very calm person on the surface, though I definitely do have a temper. But my temper is rarely the explosive kind, mine is more like negative slow cook stew of bitterness. And I'm very precise about where I place my anger, I don't just get mad and aimlessly lash out at the nearest living thing.
I might get snappy if I'm just cranky/not feeling well, but its not really anger so much as frustration and discomfort.
 
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Wow-- @Sun Bear

That sounds like a pretty horrible experience.

I didn't really read all of it because what you initially described was super upsetting. I will read the rest later, though I doubt it will change my opinion.

But I would advise you spend as little time as possible with your mother, and you also avoid giving her genuine emotional reactions or much information at all about you.

That story about the dog sounds really horrible, and no--it's not a typical INFP trait to verbally abuse animals for pooping in the water--what the actual fuck? But I've definitely been around people like this. It's emotionally draining, and it's really not fair to you unless you want to be around that kind of thing (not fair to the dog though, for sure--and it doesn't sound like you want to be around that).

I am very sorry. I have a strained relationship with my mother and it can be very uncomfortable too. But what you describe just sounds emotionally draining for you, it also sounds kind of scary too.

I would just try to lay low and cultivate your interests elsewhere, and not to really genuinely engage too much, but rather get a grasp of what you want in your life.

[removing this part] though she really doesn't sound like she's considering others' feelings in the situations you've described.

Whenever I've been around someone with a very very different moral code, who could threaten me or the things I love, I try to avoid giving them much 'ammunition' by opening up to them or trusting them.

She's you're mother, and so not much you can do to change the fact that your relationship is kind of intimate, but I would just advise you focus on blocking her out for time for yourself when you can, laying low, not starting shit with her or challenging her, or really expressing much of anything personal and genuine aboutyourself to her, but rather more so focusing on expression with people who you feel comfortable and happy around.

All I can say is I tend to test as INFP and am pretty certain NFP, and I know INFPs who I really like and am comfortable with, and I would not feel comfortable around your mom. I do not see her behavior as anything related to INFP personality type.

'does this scream anything to you?' To be honest, it screams something like abusive or at the very least something I wouldn't want to be around.

I'm super sensitive though sometimes, but no. Screaming and yelling at a dog for shitting in the water--um no. I am sorry, but she sounds like someone I would not trust--including someone I would not trust with my actual feelings or emotions. I don't think it's very useful to try to argue with her either.

My mother screams sometimes too--I learned as a young child to try not to let her in emotionally. It took a toll for sure, but I like to think there are healthier relationship dynamics, and I personally do not like to scream or yell. I do not want to scream or yell at other people, I do not want to be screamed or yelled at, and I do not want to be around people who scream at, yell at, or kick other creatures, especially for something like pooping. I mean what the actual fuck--not trying to insult your mother, but it sounds like you are in a very uncomfortable situation and I really hope you're taking the time for yourself, away from influences like hers, around people who you flourish and thrive with.

Eh--I guess she reminds me of people I've known, but it sounds to me that you are feeling uncomfortable with the way she is acting, and I hope you can find space away from that kind of influence to cultivate some peace and happiness, and y'know, not have to deal with the stress of what sounds to me like ridiculous emotional drama coming from her.

Edit:

I feel kind of weird telling you that you should not trust your mother with your feelings, but I guess I am just saying that I wouldn't personally want to trust someone who criticized me and other creatures for seems like almost anything, and screaming and yelling can bother me.

But like with the dog--like why not then just take the dog somewhere else to poop? The dog isn't trying to do anything bad--it's just pooping. I mean, come on. We all poop--the dog doesn't have a toilet, and the ocean is probably the closest thing to the toilet. I think some of our sewer pumps to the ocean anyway.

I guess it would make me uncomfortable, and I would also feel sad if someone I were around a lot constantly criticized my cooking too.

I wouldn't want to be around someone who made me that uncomfortable, so I guess maybe I'm assuming you wouldn't either, at least in those situations.
 
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